A Journey of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 9) (10 page)

“Verily, we are caught out. Running will avail us not. The Great White Wyrm of Impossible Revulsion has us and there is no escape.”

“I’ll give it a lick with my magic pick!”

“This would be a noble last gesture, halflet, but this fabled monster is of an enormity that will engulf this entire cavern. Your best attack would be negligible at best.”

“Gee whiz, Mr. Legolamb is right! This big old worm is gonna gobble us up all gone! I sure am sorry that I allowed you to become grub for a giant grub, Ma’am.”

“Come now, Legolamb my dear, is there no spell you can cast that will stay this beast?”

“No Persephone, there is nothing I can do to stop it.”

“Dang, y’all, he is here! We are about to get gobbled up!”

“Could you stop time, perhaps, eh hem?”

“No, I’m afraid not. Wait, I may have an alternative! Great stores of raw magic, as is loose in these mines, will sometimes develop an id, if you will. I have a spell that will force the collective consciousness of these mad mines to manifest itself!”

Mines of Madness and Deceit.

Lord of Labyrinth Despair.

These adventurers demand a receipt.

For tolls taken in your lair.

Traps and armies and devilish schemes,

we have answered all.

We have a token we would redeem,

You cannot refuse our call.

By Elven right and Elven might,

manifest for me, spell caster.

Your game is paused, in position tight,

we would parley with Dunjeon Maester!

“Burbity. The stalagmites have ceased to fall.”

“Stalactites, sir.”

“Blast it, Temperance, I’ll call them anything I want!”

“I say, how extraordinary! Our surroundings hang in suspension. Oh, dear, so do we, apparently. We enjoy very little range of motion, eh hem?”

“Ach, the freakish white glow of the colossal wurm sends strange beams of light up from below, illuminating us all in staerk contrasts.”

“Verily, the spell is working! Behold, a swirl of light inside our five person party reveals our other worldly host.”

“My word, a humanoid head is manifesting in strange turquoise hues. I say, are you our host and Dunjeon Maester perhaps, eh hem?”

“Silence! This is not thy turn to speak. Who would be so insolent as to dare this maneuver? Who has the gall to summon me?”

“I do, Dunjeon Maester! I, Legolamb of Upper Austeria. Legolamb of the Elven High Council. Legolamb of the High Arts!”

“Ha, ha, ha, foolish elf! This mighty wurm is moments from snatching you into its bottomless gullet! You are caught out and you have failed in your quest to pass through my domain!”

“Verily, I challenge thee by the Rites of Probability!”

“Dost thou carry the Artifacts of Probability, elf?”

“I do. Behold, Dunjeon Maester, they are here!”

“By my Omnipotent Mind, I didn’t see those coming! I haven’t seen a set of those in Ages! Where did you get them?”

“In my time, they were quite common. Any Enthusiasts’ Emporium was likely to have them. These, though, may be the last in existence.”

“I will use thine occult artifacts to cast your fate.”

“I say, small objects of varying polyhedral design float from Legolamb’s hand. Apparently, they are in control by our host’s telekinesis. The multi-sided pieces spin in a furious whirlwind before being hurled to the bridge’s deck. Our disincorporated Dunjeon Maester’s head does a quick calculation in his blue-green mind.”

“Inconceivable! I have never heard of such luck. You will be allowed to cast for your fate.”

“Verily, this is not fair, Dunjeon Maester! We have successfully passed the Rite of Probability! You must let us pass!”

“Quiet, elf! I am the Dunjeon Maester and I make the rules. It is my decision that you must all cast for your passage! First, you, wizard. My reading of you suggests a robust constitution, but low charisma. You possess moderate strength and wisdom but an extraordinarily high intelligence quotient. You will throw three, ten-sided Artifacts. Thou requires a sum of fifteen or greater to survive this confrontation.”

“Verily, my sweet Artifacts, Big Daddy Wizard needs a shiny new staff. Come on, Artifacts, don’t let me down. Go do thy magics,
now!
Yeah baby, yeah! Verily, seven, four and eight! I succeedest!”

“Next, the dwarf will cast. Strongenfight, I read that thou art of hearty constitution and amazing strength. Moderate wisdom, intelligence and charisma follow. Thou shalt have two, twenty sided dice to cast.”

“What! That’s absurd, that dwarf having more die points to cast than I!”

“Silence, elf, it’s not thy turn! Strongenfight, thou must cast a sum of twenty five or greater.”

“Ye don’t mind if I spit on them for luck, do you?”

“Verily, yes, I do!”

“Too bad, elfie me lad.
~huh-whock a patooey!~
Now then, pull me beard out of the fire, lassies, poppa dwarf needs to buy some baby boots. Aye! A fifteen and a seventeen! I’ve doone it!”

“Next, I choose the strange little creature in the odd black hat. I do not recognize thee as a creature of Middle o’ Earthhe. Tell me, what art thou?”

“Verily, it’s a halflet.”

“Ach, nae, it, I mean, he’s a dwarf! You
are
a dwarf, are you not, Ichs of the Bod?”

“Eep! Um, yessir, I reckon I’m a dwarf, all right.”

“Thou art a pathetic excuse for a dwarf, Ichs of the Bod. I read thee as possessing low levels in all the major characteristics, with the exception of unusual dexterity. Tell, me, pseudo-dwarf, how didst thou survive this long?”

“I have lots of enthusiasm, sir!”

“You are entitled a cast of two, four-sided Artifacts. Thee must achieve a sum of eight or greater.”

“How do I get greater than eight with two four-sided Artifacts?”

“Thou canst. I merely said that to amuse myself.”

“Oh, okay, well, I’m gonna let Miss Plumtartt blow on them for luck. Thanks, Ma’am. Now come on, Artifacts, don’t fail me now, Icky needs a new pair of gaiters! I done it! Double quads, Mr. Dunjeon Maester, how do you like them apples?”

“Silence, fool, thy turn has passed. Female, you are next. What is your name?”

“I say, I am delighted to introduce myself. My name is Plumtartt, Persephone Plumtartt.”

“Plumtartt, Persephone Plumtartt, thou art a beautiful creature, yet thou art not an elf. Of what race are you?”

“I say, I am proud to say that I am of the human race, good sir.”

“And a better example of humanity one could not hope to meet. Incredible, your aura radiates with the astounding levels of your delightful characteristics. In every category, you are as a beacon of perfection, my dear. You will be asked to cast four, eight-sided Artifacts for a sum of twelve or greater to survive.”

“Normally, I do not approve of gambling, outside of church charitable events, though I suppose one must if our entire party is risking larval digestion in the balance. Yes, hear, hear, come along, Artifacts, mumsy wishes to avoid aforementioned appetizer status. Hoiy-yaw! Brava! I have achieved the requisite amount! Jolly good, hear, hear, I say!”

“You are a human also, J. P. Morganstern. Your aura is unlike that of the Plumtartt girl. Yours is a dun-coloured morass. Your major characteristics are abysmal. You will cast a single, six-sided Artifact. Thou needs a sum of four or better.”

“Harumph. I am well versed in removing monies from my companions by way of gambling sport. Whether by cards, dice, or betting on racing and boxing, I have amassed massive fortunes in just this sort of play. Give me that blasted Artifact. Come on, sweet dollar signs, daddy wants to return to my riches! Burbity! A snake eye! That won’t do. I demand to throw again!”

“The Artifact cast has failed! You shall all perish! I suspend, this suspended animation! You are returned to your gruesome deaths, still in progress!”

“Verily, thou canst mean that we should all perish? We who survived the Ordeal of Probability should be allowed to live! Let the miserable human die on his own.”

“No! The decision of the Dunjeon Maester is final! You will all plunge into the Great Wurm’s stomachs!”

“Oh, my dear Dunjeon Maester, might I have just one more moment of your valuable time, eh hem? Yes, now we were all getting along just famously up until this last unpleasantness, yes? Isn’t that right, Mr. Temperance? We were enjoying each other’s charming company and you should apply your entistdays, sistant-ah-ay, eh hem?”

“Hunh? I don’t think we were enjoying nothing about being caught out in this vast cavern over a bottomless abyss what is filled with the impossibly huge bulk of a corpulent wyrm. And I don’t know what you mean by entistsdays sistant-ah-ay, Ma’am.”

“O
O
O
O
O
O
O
Ohh,
isn’t this a charming predicament, eh hem? Yes, you know, those peculiar grips you are always going on about, eh hem? You know, the
entist
s
day’s,
sistant
-
ah-ay?”

“Entistsday’s sistant-ah-ay? … Oh! You mean ‘Dentist’s Assi... oh! Right! Um, I reckon I’ll just nonchalantly skootch out of y’all’s way and work my way behind..”

“Yes, now then, my dear, sweet, charismatic Dunjeon Maester, we are just en
thrall
ed with how you have fung-shwayed the baffling corridor system of your lovely labyrinth, eh hem? The stone and fungus colour schemes are divine, my dear, Dee-Emsy.”

“Thank you, Plumtartt, Persephone Plumtartt, I tried to find a natural flow-
urgllpgh!”

“Good show, Mr. Temperance, keep your thumbs firmly jammed into the Dunjeon Maester’s jaw hinges and use your fingers to hold his mouth open as I scoop up and throw all these bloody multi-coloured, multi-sided, polyhedral Artifacts down this Dunjeon Maester’s throat!”

“Gull-glech!”

“Come on, y’all, we better get on the hoof. This place is being throttled like a rubber chicken in a hurricane.”

~~~

“Burbity. Is there any more of that Troglodyte left?”

“Nossir, it’s all ette up. All the water is gone, too.”

“My word, since crossing that arch, it has been one giant insect attack after another. I had no idea these creatures came in a lava based variety, eh hem?”

“Ach, I’d rather tangle with swarms of lava beetles than have to rescue Icksy from a nest of giant spiders again. Are you sure they did not impregnate you somehow, lad?”

“I don’t think so, sir, but it’s hard to tell with arachnids.”

“Harumph. A short cut under the mountains. What a preposterous idea. Blast it, Temperance, you have gotten me hopelessly lost under ground! I’m too important to die ignominiously!”

“Verily, this passage is bigger than the previous. It is lofty and wide.”

“Ach, it’s quiet, up ahead, Icksy.”

“Yessir.”

“Ach, it bae too quiet.”

~foomp, foomp, foomp~

“Ach, me shield is struck! What is it that attacks us now? T’is elvish arrows sticking out of me shield! Bae me Braided Beard, this can only mean one thing! We are through the mines!”

Evil doth grow,

a Goblin Swarm:

armies massing in secret battalion.

Met with arrow and bow,

rising to the alarm,

soldiers true, stout of heart, warrior’s stallion.

                               
-From the Epoch of Enauck

“By my Wizard’s Staff, these be not the arrows of elves, my friends. Verily, the source of these missiles are those of a terrible beast. I will call out to them. Parley! We come in peace! We surrender our arms!”

“Ach!”

“Burbity! Did we just lose?”

“Halt there, foul beasts! What monsters crawl from the depths of these cursed mines? Answer quickly or be cut down by arrow and spear.”

“That’s a fierce woman’s voice calling her challenge back to us, y’all!”

“Verily, m’lady, we do not come to make war against you! We present you our arms and would appeal to your honourable code of conduct.”

“Make not a move, elf. My sisters have you under their arrows’ eyes. We approach your position.”

~Clip, clop. Clip, clop. Clip, clop.~

“Gee, these gals must be riding horseback, even in this lofty cavern. Here they come, out of the darkness to enter the illumination cast by our carbide lanterns.”

“Great Mythological Tropes, these are centaurian women! Yes, quite, for they stand tall, strong, and imposing from their equestrian forelegs and accompanying hindquarters, eh hem?”

“You, the female of this party: I know an elf and a dwarf when I see them, but I do not recognize the race of you and your male companions, so small and frail.”

“I say, I am delighted to inform you that we are of the human race. Perhaps you have heard of us in your most ancient of writings, yes, eh hem?”

“Humans! By My Galloping Hooves, I had no idea you were real!”

“Yes, my dear, we are quite real as you can see for yourself, from your large, dark, swept-back eyes, yes? If I may, I should like to introduce myself. My name is Plu... Excuse me, allow me to begin again. My name is Persephone Plumtartt. As you are the only young lady among your fierce sisters who has chosen to wear a blouse, however minimal it may be, I am going to assume that you are the leader of this band of dangerous femmes, eh hem? If I may, what is your name, my dear?”

“I am Captain Misty Bountyflanks. I command this squad of warriors. Tawny Gloryglide, take their weapons.”

“Misty, I hear the approach of hoofbeats behind us.”

“T’is an Equidonian soldier from outside. What news do you bring?”

“Captain Bountyflanks, you must evacuate the mine at once! Our positions are being over-run by the enemy. What’s this? You have taken prisoners? Are there dark forces rising from the ancient tunnel? Execute these prisoners and evacuate the mine. War has begun and there is no time for taking prisoners; we must fall back and reform a new battle stratagem!”

“No, Captain Gallanticus, I do not think these creatures are of our external enemies.”

“Very well, we will discuss this later. For now, we must withdraw from this territory to more defensible positions!”

“Get these prisoners out of the mine!”

“Aye, aye, Captain!”

“Burbity, I am perfectly capable of running before your intimidating hooves and do not require the urgings of your spear to my buttocks to spur me forward, young lady! Harumph!”

“I see a light at the end of the tunnel, Miss Plumtartt. Ee-yowtch! We done been in them caves so long, the sun’s bright light is blinding!”

“I say, quite so, Mr. Temperance. Ah, sight slowly returns, eh hem? Yes, I can now more easily discern our surroundings. We have emerged from the mine, high upon a mountainside. Rocky terrain and sparse woods are our immediate surroundings, but we enjoy an incredible panorama of distant plains, with rolling hills. Legolamb, my dear, do you know where we are?”

“Verily, we look upon the Great Southern Plains, Persephone. These lands comprise most of Middle o’ Earthhe’s navigable geography. From the endless mountains behind us, the lands of many kingdoms stretch out before us. Thousands of leagues away, another stand of mountains stretches ever onward. To our North these mountain ranges stretch out to one another, but do not quite touch, forming the ‘Mouth of the Ogre’ pass. The Western arm held the ancient city of Concordia. Upon a time, it was the Capital of Middle o’ Earthhe, until it was destroyed in the Great War. Beyond this lie the wastes of the Northern Plains. This is the realm of Morbidia, the refuge of the Dark One. This desolate land is capped by a thin band of mountains. Prince Gahrrienkzjch’s stronghold was the fortress, Mount Edna. Beyond this mountain lies the North Ocean. Before us we look upon the high, Western ranges of Equidonia. I believe we are on the North side of the Grand Divide. This is a tremendous, river canyon, that splits this country in half.”

“I say, what a breathtaking view, eh hem? To our left, is an approaching raincloud. The line of rain is clearly defined. The fields before us display figures in movement, though they are too distant to appear greater than ant-size.”

“Burbity. I recognize what goes on. Those are cavalry units. Harumph. They are engaged in some sort of drill or another. The participants alternate riding toward and away from the coming storm.”

“Yessir, but I don’t think that is an oncoming raincloud, y’all; I’m thinking it’s a rising cloud of dust. A nameless fear, gripping my heart and filling it with icy dread, tells me that this cloud represents an approaching army of incredible size. Even up here on the mountainside, there is an atmosphere of desperate hurry to vacate before this unstoppable foe.”

“Verily, we are witnessing a hundred thousand or more troops marching in an irrepressible wave. My mind does not want to admit to what my senses witness. Captain Bountyflanks! We have surrendered you Equidonians our weapons. You are obligated to protect us!”

“Thou art correct, elf. We return you your weapons and grant you your freedom, thus releasing ourselves from obligation. Farewell.”

“Good bye, Miss Bountyflanks! Gee, these sintars...”

“Eh hem, ‘centaurs’, please, Mr. Temperance.”

“Yes, Ma’am, these ‘centaurs’ are sure enough a formidable class of warrior, y’all. There are lots of ‘em and they look as if they have seen some heavy duty fighting. I wonder what could push a determined and capable army such as these hearty folk from their beloved homeland?”

“Ach, I am not so curious. I think I shall join the redoubt and hope I never find out!”

“Verily, I side with the dwarf. Flee, my friends, for our lives are surely in danger!”

“Burbity! I hear sounds of battle! An expedition of the enemy is moving on the mountainside. Mortal combat draws near! Heavy strikes of steel against steel ring through the air. Armoured centaurs pass us as they flee from this horrid enemy! Come back! Save me!”

“Oh my Goodness, Miss Plumtartt, Captain Gallanticus and his warriors have fled! Here come a dozen enemy soldiers!”

“Great Fanged Goblins, I say, I cannot claim surprise, when I see that they are of an inhuman nature, eh hem? The hulking brutes’ organic, black armour and blackened steel blades denote evil intention as do their drooling and leering mugs.”

“Verily, you know these creatures, do ye not, dwarf?”

“Ach, aye, though they have not been seen on Middle o’ Earthhe in Ages, no one doubts their existence. Straight out of a Fairy Tale, as we like to tell the wee ones, to scare the peese out of them, we are about to engage combat with a squadroon of angry Oreorcs.”

“Burbity! I can’t outrun them! I will be slain!”

“I say, with dwarven shield and elven blade, I face my oppressive foe, eh hem? Come now, gentlemen, let us die bravely whilst making a good show of ourselves, yes? We are the representatives of humanity, gentlemen, and I do not wish to make a bad impression on our hosts.”

“Ach, come now, Dwarf Ichabod, let us show how dwarf warriors fight, eh?
Awe
-
rawrr!
”

“Oh my Goodness, we are about to have to fight these fellers! Magic pick, don’t fail me now! Dang, I faer feel the fell shadow o’ deathhe pass through me as I gaze upoon me foe so foulle.
Awe
-
rawrr
, y’all!”

“Harumph. Come now, Mr. Elfman, Temperance, the woman, and the dwarf have all entered into combat to save me. Don’t slack about, put down that silly staff and assault some monsters before I have to defend myself! Oh, no, wait, I see. You’re busy trying to cast some sort of spell or another, eh?”

“Verily, if thou do not silence thy tongue, I shall do it for thee. Be silent, you fool, and let me concentrate. Now then:”

Scorch of burning ore,

Sear of fiery burn.

Let these beasts of lore,

A painful lesson learn.

Evil beasts incinerate,

Let grow this funeral pyre,

Mine enemies obliterate,

With a cleansing fire!

“Burbity-burb! That’s more like it! Great balls of fire race out to engulf our disgusting foe. Well done, elf. I’m glad I hired you. I am proud of myself for overcoming my prejudice against wizards.”

“Oh my Goodness, here come a couple dozen more of them murderous monster goblins!”

“Burbity! Let them come! All right, wizard, let’s have another round of those nasty little occultic flame throwing tricks of yours, eh?”

“I have no more such spells at hand, SternMorgan. Draw thy dwarven sword as I draw my elven, Julienne.”

“Ach me Goodness, Meess Plumtartt, Ma’am! I heave me mighty pick in vengeful manners tae keep the Oreorcies frae moonching ye’re innocent flesh, aye!”

“I say, thank you so much, Mr. Temperance. I might observe that possessed magic dwarf pick fighting with overgrown scaly monster soldiers almost suits you somehow, eh hem?”

“Aye, Ma’am.”

“Harumph. Even with Temperance under control by an ancient, mad dwarf ghost, there are still too many monsters for us to fight. Harumph.”

“Mr. Temperance!”

“Meess Ploomtartt!”

~Foomp! Foomp! Foomp!~

“I say, the horrors collapse from archers’ assault. Oh, jolly good, Captain Misty Bountyflanks and her Equidonian Amazons have returned to save us!”

“T’is an ignoble action to leave ye to die as I did. I think now I prefer to save you, Persephone. Take my arm and pull yourself up to ride my back.”

“I say, thank you, Misty!”

“My warriors, we shall bear these creatures from battle.”

“Harumph. I can’t get on this girl’s back without stirrups. Blast it, where is that boy? Temperance, get over here and give me a boost!”

“Yessir!”

“Warrior maidens, withdraw! Wait, someone snatch up the halflet.”

“Roight, I’ve got him, Misty!”

“Gee, thanks, Miss Tawney Glorglide, Ma’am!”

“No worries, halflet, now hold on tight!”

“Mr. Temperance!”

“She told me to!”

“Perhaps she meant to her waist!”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“I say, Miss Bountyflanks, if one may borrow your bow and quiver, I believe I may be able to make a few reductions in the pursuing goblin army population.”

“Certainly, Persephone.”

~TWOING! >>>~~~~> Foomp!~

“Good shot, Persephone!”

~sniff~
“Eh hem, yes, I
was
the captain of the archery team back at dear old St. Agnes the Sorrowful’s Finishing School for Proper Ladies, after all.”
~sniff~

“Ach, Legolamb, look! The Equidonians are mounting a charge against the Oreorcs’ front lines!”

“Verily, these mighty centaurs in their gleaming armour inspire open awe, my friend. Er, I mean, dwarf. With shield and spear, they crash against the brutish monsters with devastating effect. Accompanying archers allow the lancers to withdraw before the monsters’ endless reserves fill the gaps. These cavalry now race to withdraw and another brigade makes ready to repeat the maneuver.”

“Ach, valiant these Equidonians be, Legolamb, but their foolhardy attacks avail them not. The mass of hulking brutes pushes ever onward.”

“This sensation of a rider on my back is new to me. Your ability with the bow doubles my effectiveness in battle. What do you say, Persephone? Do you wish to assist in my country’s defense?”

“I say, I have little doubt that your enemy is mine as well, my dear. It behooves me, if you’ll pardon the term, to join in this fight with all my heart. Yes, quite, I say, hear, hear, and further, I do hereby pledge myself to the defense of Equidonia!”

“I’m sticking with Miss Plumtartt! If you’re gonna go riding into battle, then I reckon I am too. That is, if Miss Tawney Ma’am don’t mind?”

“Ha, ha! I thinks I likes you back there, me little halflet!”

“I say, Miss Gloryglide, my word!”

“Dang, this here pick ain’t worth a hoot as a cavalry weapon. May I borry a bow and arrow set, please Miss Tawney, Ma’am?”