A Journey of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 9) (5 page)

Out from Isolation

The species did come,

To ogle this strange new specimen

Breaching each nation

With an expression so dumb

Son of a Man, this peculiar human.

                               
-From the Epoch of Enauck

“Golly gee whillikers, Mr. Legolamb, sir, you don’t reckon ol’ Enauck could have been talking about us, do you?”

“Though the evidence before my eyes rebels at the thought, yes, I can only conclude that somehow, you three visitors are the prophetic indicators of change in this world. World-wide cataclysm will not be fashioned from this hut. You must be delivered unto an enclave of Elvish lineage. There is no telling of the state of the world and where such Elves, if they indeed exist, might lie. We must go on a journey.”

“I say, how delightful. I for one find myself enthralled by Middle o’ Earthhe’s intrinsic beauty, dear Legolamb.”

“Your are an enchantment yourself, Persephone. Let me see, this is my first time leaving these woods in many an Age. I shall prepare a few things for travel.”

“Gee, these sure do appear as ingredients one might use to produce some sort of magic spell, Mr. Legolamb, sir. Are you sure you ain’t no wizard of some sort?”

“Perhaps I am a wizard of some sort as you say, but I am not altogether confident that you are not a wizard, oh, Ichs of the Bod. Tell me halflet, what dost thou port in thy purse?”

“Purse? Oh, you mean this shoulder bag. If you don’t mind, I prefer the term ‘haversack’. Anywho, it just contains a few gears, springs, valves, couplings, wire, thumb-drive dynamo and various contraptual whatnots what might come in handy should I need to knock something together.”

“Let me see what you have. By My Pointy Ears, these are interesting! Ah, yes, these things remind me of dwarf magics. Tell me, art thou a dwarf?”

“Nossir, I ain’t no dwarf!”

“Of course not, you’re far too small. What arms does your group carry?”

“We ain’t got narry a spitball between us, sir.”

“This shan’t do. Here, I shall bequeath to thee an Elvish dagger. It is very nearly a sword for one as you.”

“Uh, gee, thanks, Mr. Legolamb, sir, but to tell the truth, I ain’t really one to go sticking nobody. I’ll just get by as best I can until I find something I like.”

“I say, I am not one to suffer under the same squeamish apprehensions as our Mr. Temperance. Might I be the one to wield this stylish blade, eh hem?”

“Of course, Persephone. You, the unpleasant one, wouldst thou arm thyself?”

“Of course I wish to be armed! I too, do not suffer from a silly wish not to do harm. Temperance, build me a pistol at once!”

“Sorry Mr. Morganstern, sir, but I ain’t got the facilities at hand.”

“Don’t give me excuses! Bah, very well, since we are stuck in this primitive culture, I will have to make do with your security efforts, boy.”

“Yessir.”

“Ichs of the Bod carries his wizardy bag of tricks, and I carry mine. I shall also bear my battle sword of ancient times. Once more, Julienne the Dicer, hangs at my side.”

“I say, where are we off to, Legolamb?”

“How didst thou findest me, Persephone?”

“Mr. Temperance’s intuition brought us to your door.”

“Then let us allow the halflet to be our guide.”

~~~

“Bah, blast it, Temperance, can’t your ridiculous intuition pick a direction besides uphill?”

“Golly, I’m sorry Mr. Morganstern, sir, but my innards are fairly conclusive.”

“Pay no attention to our annoying nay-sayer, Mr. Temperance; you are doing splendidly at finding a course over this difficult terrain.”

“Ichs of the Bod, I possess a fair amount of intuition myself. I encourage you to proceed with caution.”

“Yessir, Mr. Legolamb, sir.”

“Bah, I am not happy about this course of action!”

“Shh! Be quiet, Mr. Morganstern, I think we might be getting into a bad spot.”

“Did you just ‘shush’ me,
boy? Nobody
shushes Jehosephats Piscindesup Morganstern!”

“I say, you would do well to follow Mr. Temperance’s advise, Mr. Morganstern, lest our Elven companion manually restrict your speaking capabilities, eh hem?”

“Ah, I see, well then, let us proceed in a more stealthy manner then. Harumph.”

“What say you, halflet?”

“Uh, I say everybody just stop. Hold still and try not to make any noise.”

“Verily, I hearest a small tumble of rocks to our rear.”

“I say, quite so, and I am cognizant of a slight disturbance to our leeward side, eh hem?”

“Burbity, I saw a bit of movement to my right!”

“Oh my Goodness, I think we’re surrounded, y’all.”

“Blast it, do something, Temperance!”

“Um, yessir.
Howdy!
Hello? I am calling out to address the party that is surreptitiously keeping an eye on us. May we speak with you?”

“I say, one hears a low grumble of conversation beyond these many trees and rocks. Ah, here we are. An envoy of our welcoming brethren makes himself known, eh hem?”

“Golly, he sure is a fearsome feller, ain’t he? He ain’t no more tall than I am, but his head is
really
big. He ain’t really fashioned in a proportional manner, but he is built more stout than a New York tug boat. That studded metal war bonnet, perched atop his glaring countenance, grants this old boy a fierce impression and that’s a fact. That knotched shield and over-sized battle axe ain’t particularly friendly looking at all, neither.”

“I say, Mr. Temperance, I do believe this gentleman to be a great dwarf!”

“Hold fast! Fleench wunse, an’ ye’ll be stroock dow-oon.”

“Nay, you stand down, dwarf! Verily, we are a mighty war party and will move through your land unmolested!”

“T’is an elf! Wicked creature! Go away, ye’re no welcome here!”

“Not just any elf. I am Legolamb the Great! I am a powerful wizard! Withdraw and let us pass, lest I burn thee to bacon.”

“You try it, elf wizard. Let us see how your magic protects thee froom a hundred battle axes floong in unison.”

“Er, let thee not be hasty, dwarf. I am not of the evil elves of your distant lore. I am of the Forces of Reclamation.”

“Ye words mean naughtte to me, wizard. No one may pass this way. Withdraw or be withdroon.”

“Yoo, hoo, my good dwarf. I say, might I make an interjection, eh hem?”

“Whoot manner o’ creature are ye, m’lady? Thou art a splendor and a woonder. Explain thy presence, fair child.”

“Thank you, good sir. My name is Plumtartt, Persephone Plumtartt. What is your name, my dwarven friend?”

“My name is Anguson Strongenfight, Plumtartt, Persephone Plumtartt.”

“I say, I must learn to be more careful when introducing myself. My dear, Anguson, Fate has seen fit to send myself and our party on some sort of quest, you see. Our path lies over yon mountain ranges, though I am of a mind that we may amend our route. I say, would you happen to know of a path through, or rather, under this impassable grouping of steepled steeps?”

“No.”

“Oh, pooh.”

“There was wunse an underground network of tunnels, but nae, no moore.”

“Might we inspect this subterranean causeway, eh hem?”

“Nae, Plumtartt, Persephone Plumtartt, ye moost turn and leave these lands at once.”

“Nae, Anguson Strongenfight, ye have nae the authority! These outsiders moost be slain immediately. There is no trafficking between the kingdoms, ye know it. Slay the evil elf and his horrid little wizard army!”

“Stay ye’re axes, my dwarf brothers and sisters. Very well, Gustavius Killin’glee, we shall take them prisoner and present them to our king.”

“I’ll not be taken thy prisoner, dwarf. I was once an elf of the High Council!”

“It is thine own choice, elf. You will be presented to our king. Whether it be whole or in pieces is entirely up to you.”

“Very well. I concede to your terms, Dwarf Strongenfight.”

“Wise decision, elf. Remove their belongings. You, the older, fatter, bespectacaled one with a constant distasteful grimace. What manner creature art thee?”

“Harumph. I, you filthy dwarf,... Eep! I mean, my good, er, fellow, I am an American citizen! I demand to be shown to the nearest consulate! Harumph. What’s this? Get your hands off me! Ouch, not so rough! You’ll hear from my lawyers! Give me my keys! Hey! That wad of cash belongs to me!”

“What is this ‘wad o’ cash’ the creature wails over?”

“Small, coloured pieces of paper, Strongenfight. These appear to have no value. Ah, what is this?”

“Harumph. That is my watch. I instructed my staff to award me that watch for my diligent service to the company. It is made of real gold.”

“’Gold!”

“Be silent, my dwarves. What is this ‘watch’, Killin’glee?”

“This gold device is quite extraordinary, dwarf Strongenfight. By the King’s Hammer, this is a mighty dwarven artifact! It is a clockwork design, not heard of from dwarven workshops in Ages!”

“What about you, Plumtartt, Persephone Plumtartt? Art thou a witch or a sorceress?”

“My word, I should think not. You will find that I am burdened by no more than my parasol, eh hem?”

“What is it that the elf wizard carries?”

“A heavy staff: it is marked with Elvish runes. The elf wizard must wield this thing in battle. I believe it is a conduit for his foul spells. No doubt it is loaded with some insidious atrocity, ready to do his traitorous deeds. He was wearing this long, curved, elven sword. The cursed thing is very ancient. The rune covered blade smacks of the old magic. His shoulder bag is full of the ingredients of the wizard’s arts, more so than I would have given him credit! He carries devices of incredible occult wonder. He is a powerful wizard without doubt, Anguson Strongenfight.”

“Yea, I am in agreement. Keep your crossbows aimed at him and be ready to slay the beast at a moment’s notice.”

“Now we have this last one. It’s a pitiful little creature, is it not? Remove its belongings, lest the nasty little beast try some deviltry.”

“Hey, give me back my hat! I bought that derby in London and it means a lot to me! Ouch, gee, not so rough, y’all!”

“Here, on a chain, is a similar device of the other creature; what the peculiar monster designated as a ‘watch’. This, though, is not constructed of precious gold, but is made from more base metals. It is, however, equally remarkable in its construction. His pockets reveal a hanky, string, glass marble, button, wire, pecans, bird egg, steel wool, screw, small lens, a pink, fruit scented chewable substance, and this.”

“Kiss My Axe, what is this device, halflet?”

“It’s a combination can opener, fingernail clipper, and potato peeler.”

“I am impressed by this device, halflet. What did thee say thy name were?”

“My name is Ichabod Temperance, Mr. Strongenfight, sir. Hey! Well, I reckon you boys are wanting to see what I’ve got in my utility belt too, hunh?”

“What are these contents?”

“The halflet’s belt has a sheath for carrying a vessel of water. He possesses a coiled length of thin rope. Here is a compartment for carrying food. It contains half of a sandwich. Here is a compartment with rudimentary healing supplies. Another with candles and matches. This compartment contains...
hunh!
Strongenfight, he carries priestly sacraments!”

“What? You’re right! Chisels, picks, and files! Wrenches and pliers! You murderous little robber! You must have struck down a mighty dwarf priest to attain these holy relics!”

“Nossir, it ain’t true! Them tools are mine! I bought ‘em with my own money!”

“What dost the creature have in its purse?”

“That ain’t no purse, it’s a haversack, y’all.”

“Let us see what is in the bag.
Hunh!
Magics! Dwarf magics! Gears, valves, and couplets. What’s this? Springs! Ichs of the Bods, thou art a dwarf!”

“Dwarf!”

“I ain’t, neither!”

“Ichs of the Bods, you must be a great dwarf wizard! We must hurry and present you to our king! Let us hurry these creatures back to our beloved Duunnejonia!”

“Duunnejonia!”

“I say, it would appear we are suddenly caught up in a rapid, forced march, yes? These stout dwarves are certainly adept at sweeping over this rugged terrain, eh hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. I reckon the measured cadence of their marching song helps them to maintain this outrageous pace.”

Fee-fie, ~  Fee-foe,

to Duunnejonia we go.

Out of the sun’s unending light,

to our beloved city of eternal night.

Fee-fie, ~  fee-fie,  fee-fie,  fee-foe!

“I must admit, the tune does get into one’s bones, does it not, eh hem?”