A Journey of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 9) (7 page)

“It’s a locket; it opens up. Inside is a picture of Miss Plumtartt.”

“
Hsssssck!
It is an image of a woman! How
dare
you!”

“Miss Plumtartt, … Miss Plumtartt, … Miss Plumtartt! Oh my Goodness, where am I? What am I doing? Hey, you crazy old hag, get your hands off of me! I am for Miss Plumtartt!”

“You have broken my spell! You fool! You could have had a perfect life and lived happily ever after!”

“No Ma’am, that wouldn’t be right. I already done fell for Miss Plumtartt fair and square. Hey, this ain’t no spicy ginger flavoured fanciful woodland cottage, this here is a dank and scary witch’s cabin!”

“If I cannot have you, then you will die! Feel the wrath of a scorned woman unbound! You will suffer the punishment of Witch Karrion!”

~
Fah
-Whoosh!~

“Ee-yowtch! You nearly burned me up with that there magic fireball!”

~
Fah
-Whoosh!~

“
E-e-eh-h-h
, heh, heh, heh, heh! I’ll gobble you up all gone!
E-e-eh-h-h
, heh, heh, heh!”

~
Fah
-Whoosh!~

“Hey, I see where you have the Pick of the IronEater mounted over the bed.”

“I hope the symbolism is not lost on you, fool.”

“I’m afraid it is, Ma’am. Hey, here’s my dwarvish device I built.”

“You have no power that can stand against me! I am a powerful witch in her own cabin. I have all the magic ingredients I need to destroy you a thousand times over. You can only dodge my bulbous fireballs for so long, Ichabod. They are your destiny.”

“Oh yeah, well when I release the spring on this contraption, it’ll be your goose that is cooked in that oversized oven. Ah, dang it, the catch is stuck!”

“You had a chance at eternal happiness that any male would aspire to. Now you will
rue
your foolish choice in your last moments before being burned away to a tiny crisp. Any last words, human?”

“Yes Ma’am. A clean broom sweeps clean! No, wait, that ain’t it. Cheaters never prosper! No, that don’t quite get it neither. Oh, I know what might be appropriate.”

“What?”

“Aunty Em, it’s a twister!”

~click~

Firb-whuhhurrrrhhhbbbbbbbbb!!!

“EEEEK!
You horrid little man, what have you done? What is this mad magic? It is a whirling cyclone of destruction in my cottage! This wind that spews from your despicable artifact, it casts all my powdered ingredients of occultic badness into the air! You are ruining a lifetime’s work of witch’s magic! Stop! Stop! Stop!”

“No, Ma’am, here’s a big last of air from my spring-driven backpack blower-duster right in your face, you mean lady!”

“Ayiiieee! Stop! Stop! Stop!”

“Oops! I didn’t mean to blow your wig off, Ma’am! I’m sorry!”

“Ayiiieee! No! Don’t look at my terrible baldness! Ayiiieee!”

“Oh my Goodness, I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings, poor thing. That old witch done run off through the woods like a scalded dog. Gee, whiz, I better hurry this pick back to Duunnejonia, double pronto!”

Far underground,

way down deep,

live unspeakables, great and small.

Listening for the sound,

of living souls that creep,

horror steeps, monsters wait, dangers crawl.

                               
-From the Epoch of Enauck

“I trust your mission went smoothly, Mr. Temperance, eh hem?”

“Um, yeah, I mean, um, yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am.”

“Nothing occurred  of an unusual nature, one trusts.”

“Oh no, not particularly, Ma’am.”

“Oh good, I am so happy. Yes, one cannot express how relieved one is.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Oh, but Mr. Temperance, I say, one does have one little question, if one might.”

“Uh, sure, fire away, Ma’am.”

“How did you happen to return with your shirt mis-buttoned?”

“Hunh? It is?”

“Never mind, we will speak of this later. Now close your mouth and sit up straight; here comes yet another chorused battalion of dwarves to sing your praises in celebration of your victory.”

Fee-fie, ~ fee-foe,

Ichabod is our hero.

He did not hesitate a tic,

to defeat the witch and return our pick,

Fee-fie, ~ fee-fie,  fee-fie,  fee-foe!

“Harumph. Will this dwarf parade never cease? Really, what’s the big deal? So the little scamp lifted an ancient curse and enchantment; I don’t see what the fuss is all about. Burbity.”

Fee-foe, ~ fee-fay,

The wicked witch is gone, hooray!

Ruining crops and stealing cow,

she’s in our past and we’re free now.

Fee-foe, ~  fee-foe,  fee-foe,  fee-fay!

“Hear ye, hear ye. I, Your Majesty, King Mountainheart, do hearby proclaim this homely little creature to be an honourary dwarf!”

“Hooray! Ichabod is a dwarf! Hooray!”

“His quest was fraught with danger! In order to show our appreciation of the great service of his mighty deed, I bestow the hand of our fairest dwarf maiden in marriage upon him.”

“Woah! Hey, wait a minute, I already got me a gal in Miss Plumtartt, here!”

“Ho, ho, but Ichs of the Bod, behold, Druscilla CleavageAbyss! She is a good, stout dwarven maiden, is she not? What a beautiful lass. She is but a child really; her beard barely grows past her shoulders.”

“She’s a lot of dwarf gal, that’s for sure. She sure is healthy, especially up top. I can tell she went to a lot of trouble getting gussied up what with all the fancy ribbons tied into her beard and whatnot.”

“Aye, boy, aye. It makes you want to hammer your chisel does it not?”

“Yessir, but I really am stuck on Miss Plumtartt, sir.”

“Suit yourself, halflet. Is there nothing we can do to show our gratitude? How about a nice chest of gold, hmm?”

“Nossir, we’re trying to travel light. Actually, we were still hoping you all would let us pass through your mines under the mountain.”

“It can’t be done, lad. Reconsider the maiden.”

“As an elder elf, I know the olden ways. There was once a passage under these mountains, king dwarf. The UnderRealm of the Maddened Bolgoths was mined by your ancestors. Grant us an escorted passage through Kreepitoporium! Honour the halflet’s successful quest that we may continue ours.”

“I hear you Legolamb, but the truth of the matter is, no one has passed beneath these mountains in time immemorable. Evil lurks in the labyrinth. The unruly maze is infested with creatures most foul. Abandon this foolhardy path.”

“I say, my Good King Mountainheart, we do so wish to make this journey, however perilous it may be. Oh, Magnus, my dear, we beg of thee, allow us to make the attempt.”

~batt, batt, batt~

“Very well, Persephone, I cannot resist those batting eyelashes of yours. You would make a fine dwarf, my child. Ichs should encourage thee to triple thine weight.”

“Time will tell, upon that front, eh hem?”

“Ichabod, my young dwarf, I am thy king. Heed my words, lad; if thou goest into the forbidden mines, thee will face horrible monsters of every description.”

“Gosh, you reckon?”

“I do. I am concerned at your lack of arms. I would have thee carry a dwarf armament in battle.”

“Gee, thanks, King Mountainheart. Do you have any suggestions?”

“I do. The very artifact that you freed from the evil Witch Karrion. I bestow upon thee the Great Pick of the IronEater!”

“Oh my Goodness, do you mean it, sire?”

“I do. Here you are, my boy. May you serve each other well.”

~gulp~
“Thank you, sire.”

“King Mountainheart, you cannot send these poor souls to their deaths in the mines. Even if they are not struck dead by perilous traps, or eaten by foul monsters, as soon as we turn them loose, they will surely wander, lost forever in the bewildering mazes. They know not the realms of terror that await in those forbidding passages.”

“You are correct, Dwarf Strongenfight. That is why you will lead them through. I hereby postpone your horrible detail of being on exterior guard duty, to complete this suicide mission.”

“Yes, my Liege.”

“Let all my citizens of Duunnejonia join in song as we send our doomed, if valiant, friends to their undoubted deaths.”

Fee-fie, ~ fee-foe,

into peril our heroes go.

With traps of daggers and cobra pit,

Long-toothed monsters drool with acid spit.

Fee-fie, ~ fee-fie,  fee-fie,  fee foe!

~~~

“Harumph. Being made to bear my own baggage? Really, I do not understand why we did not press a few of those dwarves into service to act as our porters. I have been on several safaris, and I have never had to carry my own supplies. Harumph.”

“I say, you shall endure, Mr. Morganstern. One might suggest stiffening your upper lip, as it were, and bearing your burdens with good grace, eh hem?”

“Bah, what do you know, you silly female? Temperance, can’t you make that woman behave?”

“I think I do a pretty good job of making her behave.”

“Mr. Temperance!”

“Oops! I mean, she’s all right, Mr. Morganstern, sir. She don’t need no instructions from me. Miss Plumtartt’s carrying her own kit, and she ain’t complaining.”

“Burbity. I thought it was a bit of a laugh to carry this dwarf sword for a time, but it has gotten very heavy, very fast.”

“My word, Mr. Morganstern, if I can exchange my parasol for a dwarven war shield, then you, sir, can carry that sword.”

“At least our dwarf pals back there had these nifty miner’s lamps what run off carbide fumes for illuminating our path.”

“I say, Mr. Strongenfight, might we prevail upon you to expound upon this excavation’s history, eh hem?”

“Aye, Persephone. In an ancient time, before the Age of Plagues, this mountain was mined for her magical deposits.”

“Hunh, magical deposits? Do you mean y’all had mineral deposits of magic, the same as you might run into a vein of gold or copper ore?”

“Aye, Ichs of the Bod. Mining for magic is a tricky thing. The deeper and heavier the deposit, the more dangerous is the extraction. Sometimes, magic doesn’t want to be mined. Brave dwarven miners dug far and deep under these mystical mountains. The magic deposits played tricks on the miners, and they unknowingly carved a dangerous maze. No longer were they digging a mine, but constructing a dangerous labyrinth, to the whim of raw, wild magics. Deadly traps were built in, to defy unauthorized explorers. Eventually, a major mining party could not find its way out. The magic of the labyrinth had turned against them. With a retreat from the death trap denied to them, the hearty dwarves dug their way all the way through to the other side of the mountain range. The city of Duunnejonia was thus founded. We are the descendants of that brave expedition. It is said that in the ancient times, when there was still peace between the races, a combined force of dwarf and elf had once forced their way through the mines of malevolence, but that is a dubious rumour. After the Age of Plagues, hideous and evil creatures most foul took residence in the mines. None have made, nor even attempted the journey since.”

“Gee whiz, you mean we are the first folks to come through here in all that time? Well, maybe these old mines are settled down, and there ain’t nothing to worry about no more, whatcha think?
Woah!
”

“My word, the floor has suddenly collapsed beneath Mr. Temperance! I say, by the whit of his amazing dexterity he is able to scramble back to our side of the hidden trap.”

“Harumph. Good thing we had someone expendable like the Temperance chap up there in the lead position. Just think of what could have happened had
I
been there.”

“By the Great Elders, verily, here is an explorer’s trap.  Looking in, I see that it falls twenty spans into a pit of bubbling lava.”

“I say, you are correct, elf Legolamb. How are we to surpass this hurdle, eh hem?”

“Let us ask dwarf Strongenfight, Persephone.”

“Stand back as I swing my heavy battle axe about me head. Now that I have a good whirlwind of steel built up, I fling it with great strength to the other side like this:
Aaaaahhhhh!
The momentum of the heavy axe head has given me the needed inertia to carry me across the divide. Now Icky, be a brave dwarf and run and jump across. I will catch you if you make it within reach.”

“Yessir.
Aaaah!
Unh! Hey, you got me, Mr. Strongenfight! Thanks for pulling me up, buddy.”

“We will throw a rope across for Persephone. Tie the rope about yourself. When you run and jump, Ichs and I will pull you across and up.”

“Very well. I have the rope secured about my person. Be prepared, for I am running and coming
At you!
”

“We gotcha, Miss Plumtartt!”

“I say, well done, jolly good, yes, hear, hear!”

“All right Mr. Legolamb, secure this rope and we’ll make sure you get across.”

“I am secured. Don’t cross me, dwarf! Oh, very well, here I come.
Aaaahhh!
Unh! Not very dignified, I must say.”

“Okay, Mr. Morganstern, sir, it’s your turn.”

“Burbity, I don’t know how to secure myself into this rope. Temperance, get back over here and tie me in!”

“Um, nossir, you’re on your own this time, sir.”

“Blast it, Temperance! I demand that you save me at once!”

“Here you go, I’ll fashion a lariat, and you just slip it under your arms.”

“Temperance, if you get me killed, you’re fired!”

“Let’s get him done, y’all.”

“Aaah! Ouch, ouch, ouch! This lava is hot! Pull me up!”

“I say, you are a considerable amount of industrialist to be pulling, sir. It may behoove one to put more effort into one’s leaps, in what future ordeals may be encountered, Mr. Morganstern, eh hem?”

“Be silent, female! Now then, let us proceed. Temperance, get up front where you belong.”

“Yessir.”

“Hold please, Mr. Temperance. I say, my dear Legolamb, would you happen to have a spell that might reveal any hidden traps that lie in our path, eh hem?”

“Verily, this is a good idea, our lovely Persephone. This indicates a high level of wisdom on your part. As a matter of fact, I do have a spell that can be cast upon my wizard’s staff that will work perfectly here.”

Let the unseen receive detection.

Let the false be shown as real.

Staff of Truth illuminate deceptions,

and to our eyes reveal!

“Burbity-burb! Soft red light spreads from crevices and points on the floor, walls, and ceiling. Great Scott, there are all sorts of insidious perils lining this passage’s length.”

“Yessir, there are hidden catches in the floors. These will surely trigger the many poison darts that lie waiting in the glowing little round apertures lining the walls.”

“The halflet is right. Everyone must exercise extreme caution, lest we trip a trigger to our own demise.”

“Have a care, Mr. Temperance. I suspect those slender openings in the walls hide pendulums of great axe blades, eh hem? I envision them working in conjunction with their mates on the opposite wall to slice the unwary unfortunate in a criss- cross manner, eh hem?”

“Eep! I think you’re right, Ma’am!”

“Verily, halflet, now that we are through that perilous hallway, I caution thee to pause in this intersection. Let us peruse the three portals that branch out in so many directions.”

“Aye, elf, I confess bewilderment as to which passage to choose. Your staff conjures a vague, red light from each arched doorway. This suggests that each corridor contains hidden perils. What does your intuition say, Dwarf Icky?”