A Journey of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 9) (4 page)

“Do you mean to say that you have failed me? Temperance, you’re fired! I refuse to allow myself to be surrounded by incompetence. You, woman, the Plumtartt female. I appoint you as my new guide.”

“Patience, Mr. Morganstern. I say, Mr. Temperance, you do appear to be following a particular direction.”

“Yes, Ma’am. I have a compass, and my natural instinct is to travel cross ways to the mountain ranges. That more or less has us moving in a vaguely North Easterly direction.”

“We shall trust to your instincts in this situation, sir.”

“Eep! What was that, Temperance? Did you hear that, Plumtartt? It was a wild animal!”

“I am not normally prone to wilderness misgivings, Mr. Morganstern, but the glowing red eyes of our woodland friends are disquieting, to say the least, eh hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. I usually like having a few hoot owls around, but these faux nocturnal hunters strike me as maybe contemplating predatoring on us.”

“Bah, this clinging fog has our visibility down to negligible levels. This is all your fault, Temperance!”

“Gee whiz, I’m awfully sorry Mr. Morganstern. We’ll just have to blunder along blindly and hope for the best, hunh?”

“Mr. Temperance, I direct your attention to that tall mass of moss.”

“Why is that, Miss Plumtartt?”

“It has a door in it, sir.”

“Good Night Irene, this here must be that hermit’s hut we’re a questing for; whatcha think?”

“Blast it Temperance, stop your infernal babbling and go knock on the door!”

“Why don’t you do it, Mr. Morganstern?”

“Me? Why, there’s no telling what might lurk in that hovel. It might be dangerous! Yes, it is far more sensible if you go.”

“Yessir.”

~
knock, knock, knock~

“Hello? Howdy in there, is anybody home? Please don’t do anything destructive, it’s just me, Ichabod Temperance. Hey, I think I hear someone approaching the door from inside.”

“Eh? Did I hear a rap upon my frame? ~
creak~
Henh? What manner of creatures are you? Verily, I knowest not thy race.”

“Quite so, good sir, for we are equally ignorant of yours. My name is Plumtartt, Persephone Plumtartt. I and my companions are of the human race.”

“Humans! Humans only live in ancient myth! They are not of this world.”

“Indeed, for we freely confess, we are visitors to your world.”

“How can this be, Plumtartt, Persephone Plumtartt?”

“Eh hem, yes, let us please drop the first Plumtartt. As you know this world as ‘Middle o’ Earthhe’, we live upon ‘Outer Earth.’ It is our understanding that we live on a round planet. This, my shaggy robed and lengthy bearded friend, is a recently discovered world within our world.”

“Most folk think this a flat world, with endless sky above and infinite ground below. Only a very few initiates know of this knowledge you possess.”

“Good show, I say, what a relief it is to find someone with a basic understanding of the sciences.”

“You shall be slain for this knowledge.”

“Oh, I say, bad show that I think. Yes, quite.”

“Hmm, I want to have a look at you three humans. You, the fat fellow, what is your name?”

“Harumph! Really! I do not think it proper that this elderly aborigine speak to me in such a familiar manner!”

“
Your
name!”

“Eep! I-I-I had no idea you were so tall, n-nor p-p-prone to sudden anger! I am J.P. Morganstern!
The
, oops, I mean, just, J.P. Morganstern.”

“One sees. You the halflet in the black hat. You identified yourself as an ‘Ichabod Temperance’?”

“Yessir.”

“You are human?”

“Yessir.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yessir! Dang it, I’m a man, honest! When you came to the door, you was all hunched over and the picture of decrepitude, but now that you are halfway riled up, you look like you stand seven feet tall. That conical hat makes you appear even taller. Where the Garden Gnomeys’ pointy red hats made them look like little dunces, no offense intended, the star and moon decorated chapeau that adorns your head gives you a scholarly appearance. Gee, even your long backward swept eyebrows and long pointy ears go a long way towards giving you a taller look.”

“Hmm. A ‘man’, you say.” Hmm. Therefore, you are a ‘Son of a Man’, yes?”

“Uh, yessir, I reckon so.”

“Tell me, halflet, art thou a wizard?”

“Nossir, are you?”

“A proper wizard knows not to discuss such things. No, I am, as you can plainly see, a simple hermit. An extraordinarily long-lived hermit, I admit.”

“Forgive me, my reclusive friend, this intrusive question, but are you by any chance, an ‘elf’?”

“Yes, Persephone, I am.”

“How delightful, I had no idea elves were so tall.”

“Harumph. An elf, eh. Blasted silly if you ask me.”

“Mind thy manners, human, your life may depend on it. You, Ichs of Bod, tell me this. By what magic didst thy arrive in this realm?”

“T’were’nt no magic, sir. We built us a machine what could tunnel through the Earth, lickety split. We lost control of her and popped up here by accident. I think our world may have had some magic, once’st upon a time, but I reckon it’s pert near used up, nowadays.”

“Yes, this world was once scorched of her magic and life for two Ages. We are fortunate that she has been able to regenerate Herself over this vast amount of time.”

“I say, we find that we are not the hearty creatures of this world. We require rest and rejuvenation at more frequent intervals than the natives. Might we rest here for a brief interval?”

“I need to assess you all; one, two, and three. The halflet, the merchant, and the Plumtartt girl: the Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful. Very well, I welcome you into my home. I have lived in solitude for lo’ these lonely Ages. You are the first guests in all that time.”

“I say, thank you for extending this most exclusive of invitations, sir. Might I presume to ask you for your name?”

“Please forgive my manners, Persephone. My social graces have grown rusty with disuse. Living alone, one almost forgets one’s name. Speaking with you reminds me of the old times, before I went into seclusion. In the Age of Progeny, I was an Elf of the High Council. Counselor Legolamb the Brave, of the Charging Guard. Legolamb the Lonely, is a more fitting title after this vast gulf of time.”

“Gosh, Mr. Legolamb, sir, this here ancient hermit hut is sure ‘nough run over with bottles, and jars and heaps of hides and drying plants and luminescent dust motes and glowing fluttery moths and curious owls and squirrels and rats and chipmunks and birdies and forestry whatnots.”

“You humans are a disturbing discovery. There is a brief mention of you in our oldest of tales.”

“Might we prevail upon you to share these mythic tales?”

“There are scattered, vague references to your kind in an ancient grimoire. An old historian by the name of Enauck made a record of this world’s ancient events. He was a true ancient. Enauck was of the First Bourne. He also possessed extended sight. As a seer, not only did he write of our past histories, but of the future.”

“Bah, whoever heard of writing a history of the future. Preposterous. Harumph.”

“Verily, t’is a wonderment, to be sure, SternMorgen. Make yourself comfortable, foul little human, and I shall give you more fodder for derision. For Persephone and Ichs of the Bod, I shall attempt to build a brief reconstruction of this world. Enauck writes of the First Growth under the Eternal Sun. A great flower was born. The first life this world ever knew. This magical botanical wonder grew to an immense size. The greatest bloom conceivable blossomed open to greet the Sun. A mighty wind arose and blew the magical flower petals all about Middle o’ Earthhe. The Genesis Flower’s petals wrought a vast array of magical creatures across this world, for each magical leaf begat an enchanted race. These various species flourished for many eons, yet suffered under many wars. After many great conflicts, an eventual accord was made. A great High Elf, an original Genesis Flower petal, was made king over all Middle o’ Earthhe: King Wøndärblitz. He was beloved by all races. This time came to be known as the Age of Balance. King Wøndärblitz had the longest life of any Elf on record. Who knows, perhaps he would still live, had it not been for the murderous treachery of his son. With the crowning of a king came a royal court. With the court came intrigue. Secret alliances formed to carry out dreadful treacheries. Imperial power was sought by many, and boundless ambitions were ignited. High nobles of many races fell under the spell of the basest conspiracies. King Wøndärblitz had twin sons. Their mother, the High Queen, Queen Bellethistle, favoured one over the other. She groomed him as a pet to ascend the throne. He, though, saw her as an impediment to his ambition. He murdered her and contrived evidence that the twin brother had performed the wicked deed. King Wøndärblitz was blind to the lies and falsehoods. He believed the treachery of the evil son over the good. Evil Prince Gahrrienkzjch insisted that the good elf, Gneikllause, be executed at once. Nevertheless, King Wøndärblitz could not bring himself to kill this royal elf. The king, instead, banished the good son to the end of Middle o’ Earthhe. In time, Enauck’s ancient prophecy came to pass, and Good King Wøndärblitz was murdered by his evil son. Gahrrienkzjch had massive armies at his disposal and his coup d’etat was complete. A massive network of spies kept him in control of the realms. The Winged Nobility were stymied by hostaged eggs. Eventually, even at the furthest reach of Middle o’ Earthhe, Gneikllause learned of the unthinkable betrayal. He raised a mighty army of his own and rode against the Dark One. The evil prince was very nearly driven aground, but he once again sunk to an evil low of which no one suspected him capable. He used Gossling magics to form a gem that would rend the world apart. The artifact was used against the good elf, who was driven under the waters of the Northern Ocean, never to be seen again. With the expenditure of this level of magic, all present were struck down. Death and plague scourged the lands. The volcanoes belched their black smoke such that it blotted out the sun for an Age. This came to be known as the Age of Plague, just as Enauck had precognitized. When the lands finally regenerated, all unity in the species had been lost. The long Age of Plagues slowly transitioned into the Age of Isolation. The various races all formed separate kingdoms and grew remote and distrustful of one another.”

“Gosh, what happened to that bad ol’ Prince Gahrrienkzjch?”

“Astute question, halflet. The dark prince disappeared after the battle. His dream of ruling Middle o’ Earthhe was never achieved. No one has seen him since the moment of cataclysm. The hostaged eggs of the the nobles were never recovered. The scaled beasts were ever on the lookout for the evil one, that they may have their revenge.”

“Bah, silly old rubbish if you ask me. How is all this going to return me to my office? I have a company to run!”

“Oh, pooh, do be quiet, Mr. Morganstern. Now then, please return to your fascinating tale, my dear Mr. Legolamb.”

“Of course, Persephone. Now then, Enauck again rightly predicted that this Age would be known as the Age of Isolation. This has been a long and forlorn time. Enauck spoke of an end to this Age, with the coming of a Second Age of Plague. This would mark the beginning of the Dark Prince’s reign.”

“Gosh, that’s terrible. Are there any portents you should watch for to the mark this occasion?”

“I recall there being mention of a ‘Son of a Man’, to signal these dire times. Let’s see, how did Enauck put it?...”

    
At the end of this Age,

     no force can deny,

     war spreads as a fire ‘fore a fan.

     Good nature turns to rage,

fire roils across the sky

at the Harbinger of Doom, Son of a Man.

                                -From the Epoch of Enauck

“Cave eels, always cave eels in my path. Is this how royalty should exist? One of my few remaining pleasures in life is crushing the life from lesser forms, but these slimy snakes bring me no satisfaction. Worse, they encrust my curly boots.”

“Out of my way, you drooling beast! You filthy Oreorc, don’t you have another tunnel you could be guarding?”

“Extreme annoyance permeates my being. I am even more hateful with my underlings than usual. What is this sensation that drives me to distraction? This accursed omni-empathy. Always assaulting me with the endless emotions of all this world’s creatures. I have trained my mind to put these sensations away, to the deepest recesses of my mind. There is something though that continually grinds away. Actually, come to think of it, this is a new sensation. This single grit of sand, lodged deeply within my mind. It reminds me of something ancient.”

“Great Pits of Lava, I know what it is! There is something
good
in this world! I don’t believe it! What sorcery can this be? It is different than the many levels of evil and good with which I am constantly bombarded. Here is an element of naiveté that unknown to me.”

“Ayieee! Enauck spoke of a human that would mark the end of this Age. His arrival would herald the end of the Age of Isolation, and the beginning of my reign, the Age of Darkness!”

“Ha, ha! This is it! After all this interminable time, this world has regenerated itself. My seclusion comes to an end!These dank dungeon walls shall hold me no more. Where are my Elven generals? Don’t just stand there drooling, MeishMaushe, you Oreorcan imbecile! Bring me General Bewilderbeast.”

“Hrrr, yes, master. Hrrr.”

“You called for me, my Lord?”

“Yes, Bewilderbeast. The time has finally come that your armies will be needed. Step up production; I don’t know how many will be needed.”

“How thrilling, your Malevolence; I thought this time would never come! An entire world to slaughter at my whimsy! How delightful!”

“Where is my cavalry, General? Ah, here she is now. My word, Lady Destructica, where do you come up with these imaginative outfits? The tightly fitted leathers give ample evidence that you maintain your training.”

“Mmm, thank you for noticing, my Lord. Yes, I can never have enough of a semi-para-armoured wardrobe at hand to see to my passing fancies.”

“Your roundly sculpted steel cuirass that secures your bounteous charms seems up to the task. Go and prepare your cavalries. I want their horns sharpened to spears. The time has finally arrived for you to go and conquer this world’s kingdoms.”

“
Hah,
ha, ha, ha! Can it be? This is too wonderful to be true! Absolute wanton bloodlust shall be for me and my armies to revel in! Ha, ha, ha!”

“Leave me, my Generals, and begin your preparations. Let all of Morbidia be on alert! Be ready to march on my command.”

“Yes, my Lord!”

“MeishMaushe, release the informants. I must have my spies fill Middle o’ Earthhe.”

“Hrrr. Yes, my Lord. Hrrr.”

“A human walks this Earthhe, I know it! Beware, puny being, your demise, and my ascension, are at hand!”