A Journey of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 9) (12 page)

“Ah, one sees. You refer to these many banks of electricity motivated vacuum tubes that wreak your resonance of dissonance, whereas I was making reference to the entanglement of brass tubing that surrounds you like a mad orchestral instrumentalist that had started to make a marching tuba, that is, a Sousaphone, but decided to incorporate a few French horns and a jumbo saxophone during the process, yes?”

“I like things with lots of levers, Ma’am.”

“Oh, be quiet and serenade me, silly boy!”

“Yes, Ma’am!”

~huh-
WAUN-
kuh~

~WAU-WAU-WAU-WAU-WAU!
~

“Ach, give it to them, Icksy!”

“Oh, my word, how distasteful.”

“Burbity. We told you it was revolting.”

“Persephone, your halflet trumpeteer is causing the Oreorcs and trolls to lose control of their bodily functions!”

“Oh dear, I say, I do apologize for the deplorable means of defense my friends have devised, Captain, even if it is proving remarkably effective, eh hem?”

“Huh, uh, huh, uh, huh. Just as soon as I catch my breath, I’ll play them another tune.”

~huh-
WAUN-
kuh~

~WAU-WAU-WAU-WAU-WAU!
~

“I say, our fearsome foes have relinquished control of themselves, all over themselves. The queasiness is rooted deep in their fleshy bellies and the slothful horrors crawl away in soiled defeat.”

“Looky there, Miss Plumtartt, that mean lady elf is just as upset as her army. She is down on hands and knees. One of the dark elf lieutenants has Lady Destructica by the hair and is holding her head up so she can share a few parting words as her vast army stumbles and crawls away in humiliating defeat.”

~huh bleck~
“Curse you, humans! This is not over! Eventually, we will have our victory!”
~blelch~

“That ain’t gonna be anytime soon, Ma’am. Y’all take care now, you hear?”

“My fellow Equidonians, we are victorious! Hooray!”

“Hooray!”

“I say, well done, Mr. Temperance. Your miraculous invention has our terrible foes slinking away in ignominious defeat. I am quite proud of you, sir. In fact, I think you have earned this hero’s kiss as a fitting reward.”

~M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
M
MMMMMM-
Mwah!
~

“Oh my Goodness, we did it! We did it! We have won the battle! Equidonia is saved! Our friends are going to be okay! We have saved Middle o’ Earthhe! Oh, Miss Plumtartt, you are so pretty and this is just about the best moment my life could ever hope to see. I am so happy! ... Hunh? Did you notice that? A shadow quickly passed over the bridge. Everybody has immediately gone from excited jubilation to stone silence. Is it just me, or has the cold hand of fear reached out with its icy grip to chill our collective hearts in blood freezing fear, in this, the moment of our hard fought victory?”

By snatchy claw,

banders the mimsy grove,

all are struck down in great slobberknockey.

Winged draft do draw,

in slithey tove,

all perish before the great Jaubberwauckey

                               
-From the Epoch of Enauck

“Look, up in the sky, y’all, it’s a bird,”

“Nae, t’is not plain.”

“Burbity, it’s, it’s...”

“Great Winged Reptiles! It’s a dragon! Great Pyramids of Giza, the beast is absolutely enormous! Though the monster circles the battlefield, as some great reptilian scavenger, far, far up in the air, there can be no doubt as to the dangerous nature of this creature.”

“Equidonians! Clear this bridge! Fall back to Trottingham!”

“Captain Gallanticus is right, Ma’am: we are all bunched together here. We need to get into an open area where we can dodge an assault if we need to.”

“Ach, we should hurry, my friends; the great beast has fallen into a dive. The monster plunges to Middle o’ Earthhe, gathering tremendous momentum and inertia.”

“Don’t worry, y’all, it looks like he is going to miss us.”

“Nae, get off the bridge, get off the bridge! The huge brute has leveled off his dive as he enters the Gorgeous Grand Gorge. He is using the wide chasm as an assault chute. He means to destroy this bridge!”

“This bridge cannot be destroyed! Nothing can endanger this ancient monument!”

“I say, this scaly dreadnought has lowered his head and intends to crash the bridge amidships in a broadside attack! Impact is now!”

~KER
-BOOOGE!~

“The Great Eagle’s Arch is destroyed! This is a disaster! Warriors of Equidonia, find your Captains! Form up your regiments! We will defy the monster should he make land!”

“Captain Gallanticus, this is suicide!”

“We are honourable soldiers, Persephone, and we will defend our home at all costs.”

“Watch out, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, here comes that big old dragon again, and he ain’t playing around! Those leathery wings extend for hundreds of yards! The sagging, reptilian flesh must be an incredible amount of weight, yet the giant is easily able to remain airbourne. He is intently studying his prey as he readies for attack. He can tell that cavalries are being arrayed against him. That monster is soaring about on his wide wings, choosing his moment of assault. No, he is not soaring; he is violently flapping his wings as he holds himself stationary above us. Oh my Goodness, Miss Plumtartt, he is whipping up a sudden windstorm!”

“Eek! My skirts! Mr. Temperance, hold onto me; the torpal turbulence threatens to  take me thither!”

“Golly, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, the windstorm has knocked all the Equidonian cavalry to the ground and blows us hither and anon uninhibited!”

“Ach, this beast is the most nightmarish vision I have ever seen! Nothing can stand against it!”

“Burbity. Temperance, get over here and help me to my feet so that I can run away!”

“He is landing, right in the center of the centaurian armies! He is daring them to attack. Several regiments are charging at him, now!”

“Eee-
Aye
-rRoark!!!”

“Ach, that terrible roar has knocked all the charging Equidonians to the ground again!”

“Harumph. That beast is raising his heavy tail up into the air in a manner that indicates he wishes to slam it back down again in repeated, angry blows. Harumph.”

~BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!~

“Stand down you miserable creatures! High Nobility,
Winged
Nobility, is arrived! Do not be so presumptuous as to oppose
me!
You cannot hide from me. I know that you have it. My senses quiver with the knowledge. You have found the crystal! It has returned to Middle o’ Earthhe! Give it to me at once! Bestow upon me the
Shard of Essence!”

“I smell battle. I smell Oreorcs! I smell elves, and I smell centaurs. I smell a single dwarf. I smell something else. I smell a creature that is alien to this world. Where art thou? What is this thing? There you are! I spy, with my slitted eye, three miserable little beasts. Speak up! What manner of creature art thou?”

“Oh, woah, woah, woah, m-mn-m-my G-G-G-Goodness!”

“B-b-b-b-b-burrrr--b-b-b-b-bity!”

“These males are obviously struck dumb at my overwhelming magnificence. You, the female, you appear to have your wits about you; tell me, of what species art thou?”

“I say, I am very happy to declare that I am a representative of the human race, Your Grace. I am correct in addressing you as ‘Your Grace’ am I not, for you did announce yourself as ‘Winged Nobility’, eh hem?”

“You are correct in this, gracious human female. Tell me, what is your name?”

“My name is Plum...excuse me. My name is Persephone Plumtartt. Would you be so good as to share your title, Your Grace?”

“Certainly, my dear. I am Lord Leatherfitz von Stratusbourne, Duke of the Great Southern Plains and Marquess of the Dragon’s Maw Mountains. Human, you say... As in old Enauck’s grimoire? By Jove, that cinches it! The prophecies are coming to fruition, once again. Among you must be this fated ‘Son of a Man’. By my Scaly Wings, you
do
have it! Give to me the
Shard of Essence!
By thunder, I’ll destroy you all if I do not get that Artifact immediately!”

“Eep! Don’t kill me, please! I’m too important to be eaten by mythological impossibility! Burbity, she has it! Kill her, not me! The Plumtartt woman has the blasted gem!”

“Mr. Morganstern, shame on you! You ain’t nothing but a big tattler!”

“Rarr! You are for me, Persephone!”

“Mr. Temperance, the dragon has ensnared my bustle; I am trapped!”

“Miss Plumtartt!”

“Mr. Temperance! Save me!”

“I’ve got you, Miss Plumtartt: I ain’t letting go!”

“I am caught fast, Mr. Temperance!”

“Put her down, you big bully! Unh! Unh! Unh! Miss Plumtartt is for me!”

“Silence, halflet! T’is time for my exaunt.”

~whoomp...
whoomp!
..
WHOOMP!!!
~

“Mr. Temperance, save me, the beast means to fly away!The dragon is carrying me up off the ground!”

“I can’t do nothing but hang onto your arms, Miss Plumtartt!”

“I hang suspended by my bustle! We are rising into the air! I cannot support you, Mr. Temperance!”

“Miss Plumtartt!”

“I cannot hold you, Mr. Temperance!”

“Miss Plumtartt! Hang onto me!”

“Mr. Temperance, I cannot hold you! You will fall to your death! We are quickly rising into the air. You must let go, now!”

“No! No, I can’t! Oh, Miss Plumtartt!”

“Let me go, my precious.”

“No, no, no!”

“Release me, my love.”

“No Ma’am!”

“You must!”

“I can’t!”

“Ichabod.”

“Persephone!”

“Let me go.”

“No!”

“Release me.”

“NO
O
OO
OO
OOOO
OOOO
OOOOOOO...        
Unh!”

“Ach, the winds of the massive wings knock us all back to the ground again! The mighty dragon has left with Persephone and his prize! Ichs o’ the Bod chases along helplessly as the mighty beast disappears in the distance.”

Curse
of
Nobility
 

N’eath the inky waters’ face,

there ghastly horrors lurk,

and fogs there do enshroud, things that bite and chomp.

Adorned in wreaths of gray lace,

these shallow shoals you’ll shirk,

lest ye are ever bound, to this cursed swamp.

                               
-From the Epoch of Enauck

“Burbity. I don’t see what all the fuss is about. She was just a foolish woman. Good riddance, I say. Harumph.”

“You hush up that ugly talk, Mr. Morganstern! I’m still put out with you for betraying Miss Plumtartt like you done!”

“Harumph. Don’t bother me with trivialities. No use in worrying with past losses. When life hands you a lemon, you have the company make lemon based products. What I’m trying to say is, that female was just so much excess baggage, anyway. Let’s not lose sight of what’s really important: me. The thing we need to do is to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps, and you get me safely back home. Burbity.”

“Nossir. I got me a compass heading on that big old dragon. He was flying due East with a protesting, but living, Miss Plumtartt secured in his gargantuan gnarly claws.”

“Harumph. Don’t be ridiculous: she is certainly dead by now. ‘There’s no cents in throwing good money after bad,’ that’s what I always say. It’s bad enough that you are wasting time on this foolish expedition, but your infernal insistence that I accompany you is unacceptable. From what I understand, you have absolutely no chance of surviving this intervening ordeal, much less to ever hope of saving the female. Burbity.”

“Ach, our Ichs o’ the Bod is determined to save the gel, JayPee. Ye and I will stand at the side of our questing companion. Whether it be fighting ugly horrors, or building brilliant contraptions as we have here, we are this lad’s mates. These strong centaurs have towed our boat from its place of construction in the city, to this desolate, uninviting beach.”

“Harumph. Well, at least we are getting our wizard back. Here comes a squadron of Equidonians escorting their prisoner to us.”

“Gosh, I sure am glad to see you, Captain Bountyflanks, but you should be resting and recovering from your battle wounds!”

“Thank you for your concern, halflet, but I wanted to see you off on this noble quest. Persephone was a staunch ally to me in time of war. Save her, if thou can, Ich of the Bod.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Captain Gallanticus has something to say.”

“Hail, halflet, we will return you your elf, but we beg you, do not attempt this impossible journey. Equidonia is now safe to you. With the destruction of the Eagle’s Arch Bridge, the Northern accesses are severed. Impenetrable mountain ranges border us to the West and a vast ocean to the South. Our Eastern borders are protected by a vast, marshy expanse. It extends for hundreds of leagues and no one has ever safely made the crossing. It is too shallow to take the draft of a ship, and smaller craft invariably succumb to the unknown horrors that dwell there. Even if you do make it across, the lands to the other side are filled with wicked spirits, waiting to prey upon any hapless victim that wanders into their domain. Beyond this land of spiteful enmity lies the Great Wastes of the Hamonrhybal Desert. Known as ‘The Devil’s BedPan,’ this expansive desert is a veritable ocean of merciless sand. The eternal winds whip the sands into a continuously gnawing grit. The boiling cauldron is barren, except for where it is littered with the bones of dessicated armies. The desert ends against the steep walls of the Dragon’s Maw Mountains. The name comes from the jagged peaks that extend forever from this point. They resemble the upturned fangs of your enemy. It is here that I believe this dragon makes its home. I understand your love and loyalty to the woman, but she is surely dead by now. You are welcome to stay here among us, Ichs of the Bod. Stay with us and live a long, happy life.”

“Gee whiz, y’all sure are hospitable, but that wouldn’t be right. Me and my pals have got to go save Miss Plumtartt and that’s all there is to it.”

“Ho, ho, but me little halflet, just think how happy you would be, riding around on me.”

“Golly, that sounds mighty swell, Miss Tawney Gloryglide, Ma’am, but my first love is for Miss Plumtartt.”

“Then come here, me little halflet, that I can give you one more crushing hug and big sloppy kiss for luck!”

~sahhhhhh-
moooo-chah!
~

“Gee,
thanks
, Ma’am!”

“Ach, ye may untie the elf and remove his gag. I will take responsibility for the elf, me Equidonian mates.”

“Very well, dwarf Strongenfight.”

“Ahh! Verily, this incarceration and ignoble treatment is unnecessary. I assure you, I am not of the dark elf race. I was one of King Wøndärblitz’s most trusted allies! I fought alongside his good son, Prince Gneikllause, in the Great Wars. There are good elves in this world, and I am of them.”

“This matters not, elf. We are at the most extreme Eastern edge of our Equidonian border. The Marshes of Dismalia stretch on for vast distances from here. The ground here is soft, and our hooves sink into the sandy loam. This is as far as we can go. This craft you have devised, do you really think it capable of crossing these expansive swamps? The black fogs are eternal; the tall, thick reeds, baffling; the foul waters, poisonous, and the deathly inhabitants, unthinkable.”

“Burbity. I am skeptical of this boat’s seaworthiness. Why, it has no draft at all! The untrustworthy thing is just a flat, wide, pan, and with only the minimal of gunwales. Is that screw propeller intended to motivate us? Why, the slender thing is not even positioned to sit in the water! The silly, over-sized propeller must be six feet across. The thin, slightly curved thing is supported completely above the water’s surface on the back of our floating pie-plate. Even the rudders are out of the water, positioned behind the completely useless propeller. I feel ridiculous even sitting here, aboard this shallow raft. Blast it, this is another fine mess you’ve gotten me into, Temperance!”

“Now, don’t you worry, Mr. Morganstern, sir, I think this here aero-craft is gonna perform just fine! Okay, me, Mr. Morganstern, Mr. Strongenfight, and Mr. Legolamb are all safely aboard. The furnace is red hot and this here boiler is fit to burst. I reckon we’re ready to shove off. Thanks for all y’all’s hospitality and all.”

“Farewell, halflet. May you and your odd couplings fulfill thy quest to save the girl and recover the
Shard of Essence
.”

“Thank you Captain Gallanticus. Good-bye, everybody.”

“Harumph. Hurry up with your nonsense boat trial, Temperance. The sooner this demonstration is a failure, the sooner I can be back in civilization.”

“Yessir, Mr. Morganstern, sir. Hang on, y’all, I am engaging the prop,
now!”

~whup.~

~whup.~

~whup.~

~whup!~

~whup!~

~whup!~

~WHUP.~

~WHUP.~

~WHUP.~

~WHUP!~

~WHUP!~

~WHUP!~
BUH
-WHIRRRRRR!!!~

~HUHHHH-WHOOOOOOSHHHH!!!~

“Burrrrrr
bity
-burb-burb-burb! We’re going too fast! Temperance, do you want to get me killed?”

“Wooo, hooo! We are dang near flying, y’all!”

“Ach, Icksy! Dwarves were not intended to move this fast!”

“Verily, nor were wizards. This craft does not plow through the water as a conventional boat; it glides along the surface! The speed obtained by the windmill propulsion is phenomenal!”

“Gee, the further we invade this dank swamp, the thicker this fog becomes. I can’t hardly see nothing. The thicker the fog, the darker it is, too. Golly, it is already as dark as midnight in this terrible fog. It is stinky too, like the water that produces it is somehow unclean. Mr. Legolamb, do you know anything about this swamp?”

“Yes, I do. A long life in a centaur dungeon sounds most pleasant right now. Never mind, as long as you have this wondrous boat, we may as well make the attempt. In ancient times, in the Age of Progeny, these were fertile plains. Many magical creatures called this land their home. When the dark prince rose up, these plains, meadows and forests became terrible battle fields. The casualties were astronomical. When the Great Northern Ocean Catastrophe struck and Middle o’ Earthhe was shrouded by poison in the Age of Plagues, these lands turned to fetid marsh and mire. The dead of good and evil decomposed together in a makeshift, watery burial.”

“Golly, I hope there ain’t no ancient spirits to get upset with us as we dash across. Maybe we’ll just slip by real fast in the darkness, and they won’t never know we was here, hunh?”

“Ach, I hopes so, Icksy.”

“This here aero-boat is just pushing along, ain’t it. These marsh reeds that rise up push right over as we zoom across.”

“Harumph. Speak for yourself, Temperance. I am being whipped by passing reeds, unmercifully. Harumph.”

“Ichabod, you have some sort of Dwarvish artifact for maintaining our heading, correct?”

“Actually, it is a human artifact, Mr. Legolamb. My trusty compass lets me know which way is East.
Woah,
I didn’t think there was anything to run into out here, but I think we just sped by a tree. I can’t hardly see nothing in this dark fog. I’m gonna slow this skeeter down before we crash into something.”

“Ach, do not slow too much, Icksy, lad; things lurk about us. Dark, unspeakable things wish to feed upon our flesh. Constant movement is our only hope to cross this forsaken marsh.”

“Yessir, Mr. Strongenfight. Gee, these trees are all draped in thick, gray moss. Golly, I think I saw a snake in one of them. We better not go under none of these bayou banyans; one of them vipers is likely to drop on our heads!”

“Eep! I mean, burbity, I saw movement in the water.”

“Yessir, there’s likely to be wildlife of one sort or another about, but I ain’t in no hurry to meet nothing that lives around here! I don’t think I would eat a fish from out of this pond if I hadn’t ate in a week.”

“Verily, our course is as that of a serpent, as we weave about the many scattered trees that grow in this marsh.”

“Harumph! That blasted tree hit me on purpose!”

“Oh my Goodness, I think you are right, Mr. Morganstern! That tree’s branch reached out to hit you as we sped past!”

“Ach, I never thought I would ever be chopping anything but Oreorcs with this axe, but the next tree that makes a move at this dwarf will get a Duunnejonian Pruning he t’is not likely to soon forget, aye!”

~chop!~

“Eep! That disembodied branch is still squirming! Get it out of here!”

“Halflet, do not let these swampish trees encircle us! Go faster, boy! Verily, thou shouldst maintain an unpredictable course, as that of a frightened snake.”

“Oh, golly, I’m trying, Mr. Legolamb, sir; I’m just a swooping this here boat around as much as I can! Golly, I sure wish Miss Plumtartt was here. Oh, gee whiz, these swampy thingies are really trying to get us!”

~ “EEEEEEEEEEK!”~

~ “EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!”~

~ “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!”~

“Ooooh, I didn’t like that there awful screeching worth a hoot, y’all. That mournful shriek done curdled my blood into cottage cheese.”

“Ach, faster, laddie!”

“Blast it, Temperance, pay attention! These man-like mossy, water-wading trees are attempting to hem us in! Can’t you get this ridiculous boat around them?”

“Halflet, look there!”

“Yikes! Hang on, y’all!”

~woo, woo, woo,
whoosh!
~

“Oh, golly, I had to spin this boat to a sudden stop. Somehow, we didn’t tump over. We are surrounded! Mossy swamp tree thingies menace us from every direction!”

“Ach, we are being boarded by vines! They bind the boat! I cannae chop them with me axe without chopping the boat to bitsies! We are caught!”

“Yes, Dwarf Strongenfight, verily, the vines have trapped our craft. Yet, the anthropomorphic trees have halted their advance, to form an encircling perimeter, several paces’ distance about the boat.”

“Oh, golly, y’all, do you all hear that? It almost sounds like these trees are moaning and groaning at us.”

“Harumph. Unhappy trees, you say? Ridiculous. The wind in the mossy branches merely gives the swaying trees a spooky ambiance, that’s all. Harumph.”

“There is no wind, SternMorgan. The trees move and sway on their own accord. The low chants emanate from their rotten trunks. Silence, you fools, listen! Verily, the ancient warriors chant to us, their hungry dirges.”

Flesh of Living,  

   Stench of Blood.

Yours for Giving,  

   Blend our Mud.

Suck your Brains,  

   Grind your Bones.

Join our Plains,   

   Share our Moans.

“Burbity. My advise is to refuse this invitation. Harumph.”