A Journey of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 9) (16 page)

Bane of hero,

the heartiest do scare,

harbinger of incinerate death.

Lungs of pyro,

living nightmare,

flames roar upon his breath.

                               
-From the Epoch of Enauck

“Harumph, what a lot of nonsense! I really don’t see why I should continue to monitor this pitiful monster’s clockwork pulse developer. He is obviously never going to recover. It is equally obvious that Temperance and the Plumtartt woman have abandoned me. Those blasted cowards! They should have had me back in my offices weeks ago! I am not going to waste another minute in the company of this filthy dragon. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Harumph.”

“Morganstern...”

“Burbity! Oh, you’re awake. Yes, hello, Mr. Dragon. Now then, let’s not beat around the bush. You are obviously a lost cause. So too, are those ridiculous dwarves and the girl. It is my opinion that the best course of action for this company, is for me to do everything in my power to protect my assets. Therefore, I shall proceed on my own to reconnoiter with this ‘Dark One’ person of whom you speak. By thunder, this fellow knows how to get things done! Yes, I should go and hire him before I am undermined by a competitor. Harumph.”

“Morganstern...”

“Burbity! Oh for crying out loud, what is it now?”

“You were instructed to see to my needs...”

“Yes, well, that unbalanced female is not present and is unlikely to return. I do hereby release myself of all responsibility. Harumph, yes, goodbye, and good luck in your future endeavors. Harumph.”

“Ah, oh well, I suppose you’re right.”

“Of course I am. Harumph.”

“I suppose it’s for the best...”

“Burbity.”

“I suppose all that remains for me is one last meal...”

“Harumph. You don’t expect me to prepare it, do you?”

“Not exactly, you see, I’ve never eaten a human. I’m curious, do you taste good? This will be my final opportunity to explore the possibilities.”

“Burbity! Let’s not be hasty, old boy! No, no, er, let me wind the spring of your heart pulser and insert a fresh solenoid!”

“That might be the wiser course of action...”

“Harumph. This is no life for an important man like me. Harumph.”

“Silence, you fool! Did you hear that? Don’t answer, that was a rhetorical question. I hear the distant beat of dragon wing. The New Nobility returns. How can I face them? I can barely raise my head. I refuse to die on the ground! Somehow, I must gain the strength to get to my feet. Arrrrr-
unh!
I’m up! Augh! I have not stretched my wings since the battle. Oh, they are sore. I have not the strength to get myself aloft. I shall have to resign myself to battle on the ground. By my fangs, I pledge to take as many of them with me as is in my power.”

“Burbity! There, I see an object in the sky. Yes, I can see now that it is an incoming dragon attack. Well then, enjoy this next stage of your retirement, old chap. I will get out of your way.”

“T’is a single dragon that approaches. That’s odd, it does not come from the same direction as before... in fact, it is coming from the direction I sent Persephone, with her halflet servant and dwarven bodyguard in their hot-air-entrapped device. Is it? No, it can’t be... can it? By my clockwork pulse assist, it is! It is she! I’d know that girl anywhere! Lady Josephine Longbellye flies again!”

“Eee-
Aye
-rRoark!!!”

“Ahoy, Lord von Stratusbourne!
Lady Josephine Longbellye requests permission to land!”

“Josie!”

“Lee, Lee, Lee, my darling!”

“Golly, Miss Plumtartt, Miss Lady Longbellye did not waste a moment in dropping our basket aside to run and embrace Lord von Stratusbourne, Ma’am.”

“I say, for cold-blooded creatures, they share the warmest embrace I have ever witnessed.”

“Looky at how they entwine their lengthy necks in several coils to cinch in the titanic hug. That is just about the sweetest thing I ever did see, especially on such a massive scale. Lord von Stratusbourne’s dark green, diamond-paned, overlapping scales and burnt orange, straight, horizontally scaled underbelly are a pleasing contrast to Lady Longbellye’s colouring, ain’t they, Ma’am?”

“Quite so, Mr. Temperance. Lady Josephine’s lemony yellow scales and vivid, bright green underbelly stretching from throat to tail is lovely to behold beside our magnificent Lord von Stratusbourne. Oh, they do make an adorable couple, do they not, Mr. Temperance, eh hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am.”

“Lee, my darling, do not exert yourself. Your representatives informed me of your injuries. Does this dwarvish device really do as I was told? Does it truly regulate your mighty heart?”

“Yes, Josie, it is a remarkable contraption. Very nearly as amazing as the devices that adorn your beautiful features.”

“Ha, ha, my goggles! Yes, the halflet you sent made these amazing glass circles. They act to magnify my vision. I am embarrassed to wear them in front of you, m’Lord. Allow me to remove them at once.”

“Nonsense, Josie, you know I was always susceptible to your enchanting accessories.”

“Oh, Lee, let me get you back to health before you start getting frisky. Persephone, have your dwarves bring me the elixir.”

“Yes, m’Lady.”

“Ah, yes, drink every drop, my beloved Leatherfitz. Good, now then, Persephone tells me that the Age of Darkness has fallen. I truly did not think I would live to see these times. Am I correct that your plan is to make of this the most minimum of Ages? It has always been assumed that the Age of Darkness would last as long as any other Age.”

“I say, I am not one to abide assumptions. A shortened Age, I think, should be our plan, eh hem?”

“Ha! I feel the elixir coursing through my veins! I grow stronger by the moment. With you, Lady Longbellye, at my side, we shall fly into battle once more!”

“Lee, my dear, I think we need to raise more of an army than just you, me, and these mammals. We need greater firepower.”

“Yes, you’re right. We need... Wait, you mean...
No! I refuse! I will not suffer that dragon in my company!”

“There, there, Lee, my pet, it is time to put old rivalries aside.”

“
Rivalries?
That dragon is no rival! He is nowhere
near
to being my equal! He is a braggart! He is a show-off! He is coarse, crass, and unfit to be royalty!”

“He is a terrible foe in battle.”

“You still carry a torch for that old blowhard! I knew it!”

“Lee, my dear, that has always been a misunderstanding. True, I did have a fling with Reggie when we were very young. That was but a young dragon’s fancy. You know that all sixteen chambers of my heart belong to you.”

“Hmmm. I don’t like him and we don’t need him.”

“Lee, you don’t have to like him and yes, we
do
need him.”

“Oh, Josie, I never could refuse you. Very well, we will seek the devil out and enlist his help. I still think it is a mistake, though.”

“Good, now then, this is my first time to fly in a long time. I have lost track of Sparky, I mean, Reggie. Do you know where he makes his lair?”

“No, but it should not be hard to find; just follow the desolation.”

~~~

“Any sign of abject destruction, Josephine?”

“No, Leatherfitz. The earlier barren landscape was unmarred by Reggie’s tell-tale scorch. In truth, the further we search, the more we find of high, green pastures, and wooded glade.”

“T’is the same for me, m’Lady. Tell me, do the creatures you carry report any aerial discrepancies?”

“I am sorry to report, m’Lord, that the dwarf and human do not offer assistance in the least.”

“Burbity! I am accustomed to aerial travel with modern conveniences! I only travel in the finest of Zeppelins. The least you could have done is allow me to fly in private accommodations, but I am forced to share this talon’s grasp with a smelly dwarf!”

“Ach! I’m sorry, Lord von Stratusbourne! I know that ye have commanded me to be searching for the lair o’ this mysterious dragon, but me traitorous eyelids are defying both your orders and mine! They have clamped shut and I cannae get them open again! Dwarves do not fly!”

“What of your friend, Persephone, and her halflet companion?”

“They are of no more use than the worthless baggage you are asked to carry, my dear. Unlike your two, who abhor being aloft, this pair thrill at the spectacular panorama afforded by my wide wings. However, their many ‘oohs’, and ‘ahs’ at the varied sceneries have been of no use whatsoever. Oh! Are you two engaged in kissing again! My word, at least wait until we get back on ground again, you randy savages!”

“I say, I beg your pardon, m’Lord. It seems that Mr. Temperance and I find this to be a romantic setting, eh hem?”

“Of course, Persephone. I was just teasing, my dear.”

“Thank you, Fitzy!”

“Lee, my scaly dove, do you mind if we land on that mountain pasture for a moment? I am not accustomed to this long exertion and my wings grow tired.”

“How inconsiderate of me! I apologize, m’Lady. Of course, let us take a rest in this green valley.”

“Ach! We’re back on the ground! Mmwah! Mmwah! Mmwah! Oh, ground, lovely ground, how I have missed you!”

“Blast it, Temperance, get over here and pry my fingers off this claw! I can’t let go!”

“Yessir, here you go. I know you weren’t scared, Mr. Morganstern, sir, but your death grip on that there lady dragon claw was.”

“Mr. Temperance, I wish you to return and escort me to the edge of that pond. I yearn for a sip of water, eh hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am! Golly this sure is swell, getting to hold hands with you, Miss Plumtartt.”

“Now, now, Mr. Temperance, let us not inflict a public display of affection upon our companions.”

“Yes, Ma’am. Looks like everybody is taking your advice and is getting a sip of water.”

“Ach, this is more like it. I enjoy these high mountains. This vista reminds me of the mountains that surround my home, way back in Duunnejonia, so far away.”

“Actually,...”

“Lee! Shush!”

“Hmm? Oh yes, of course. Never mind, it was nothing.”

“Never mind about what nothing, Mr. Lord von Stratusbourne?”

“Never mind.”

“Yessir.”

“I say, is it my imagination, or is that little island of our pond in a slightly different location?”

“I reckon it must be a floating mass of weeds, Ma’am. I don’t think it is anything to worry about.”

“Not that I am prone to worry, sir, but I do try to be wary of things out of the ordinary. This floating mass of weeds, for instance. I find that it contains points of regularity that defy natural conventions, eh hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am, now that you mention it, there is a standard arch to those high reeds. You know what? They even look familiar, somehow, don’t they?”

“Indeed, Mr. Temperance, so too, the balanced set of points that flank each other in a pattern towards us. Do you agree, Mr. Temperance?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt.”

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking, sir?”

“Yes, Ma’am! I surely am! Let’s have us another smooch-fest! Come here you pretty little thing, you!”

“Mr. Temperance, that was
not
what I was thinking. Please hold that thought for the appropriate juncture.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“No, I observe that these characteristics we describe are not dissimilar to the pointed crest that lines the back of our Winged Nobility; so too, the distinctive, spiked, brow ridge crests. Ah, yes, though grown over by lush plant life, the features now become clear. Of the great nostrils, we are afforded a clear view. Take note of the two large, rounded rocks. Wait for it, wait for i-i-it,
now!
Hah! I knew it! Two enormous eyes open to look at us in vertical-pupiled surprise and alarm.”

“Reggie, darling!”

“Brimstone, you worm!”

“Eep!”

~ploop!~

“Burbity, that dragon head just dropped beneath the surface of the pond.”

“I say, Lady Josephine, is this the dragon we seek?”

“I’m not sure, Persephone; his features were obscured by overgrowth.”

“Something’s coming up fast, y’all! Look out!”

~ploop.~

“I say, you frightened me, Mr. Temperance. It was just a large bubble. Now then...
Oh!
How awful! What an unfortunate odour! Yes, my word. Not jolly good at all.”

“I’d recognize his emissions anywhere! That
is
Reggie!”

“Brimstone, you coward! Come up here and face me!”

“Lee, be silent!”