Winter’s Awakening (16 page)

“Actually, she’s not coming. I called her a few days ago and told her that I was keeping the baby.”

Her mother threw up her hands. “Who else knows this big, monumental decision? The folks at the corner market? All your old friends?”

“Only you and the Grabers and Alec.”

“You’ve already called Alec?” her dad blurted, his voice raising. “What did he say?”

“He pretty much said he didn’t care. I don’t think he will either. I mean, as long as he doesn’t have to pay for the baby.”

After a moment’s silence, her parents exchanged long glances. “Somehow that doesn’t surprise me,” her dad said.

Lilly hovered next to the chair across from them. In her dreams, they held out their hands and offered her
hugs. In her dreams, they told her that they loved her no matter what. That they understood.

But obviously, those dreams were as much a fantasy as fairy tales.

Both looked mad as could be, and hurt, too. “I’m sorry,” she murmured. “I’m sorry I told other people before you. I’m sorry you’re disappointed in my decisions.”

A bitter laugh escaped her mom. “You’re sorry. I can’t even talk about this with you right now. You might as well just go to your room or go back over to Josh’s house, or do whatever you want since that’s what you’re doing, anyway.”

“You don’t want me here?” Lilly felt her bottom lip tremble. She knew they’d argue. She knew her parents would be upset. But she’d never imagined that they wouldn’t even want to see her.

“We want you. But I’m in no hurry to talk to you right now.” Glaring at Lilly, her mother said, “You know what that’s like, don’t you?”

Lilly turned away. Behind her, she heard only the strained silence of her parents. Their disapproval seemed to burn into her back.

And that made her angry. Turning around again, she said, “You know, all these decisions were never about you. It was never about Josh or the Grabers or even about all our friends in Cleveland. It’s been about me and what I can live with.”

Glaring at them both, she continued. “Whether you two want to believe it or not, in thirteen years, I’m going
to have a teenager of my own. I’m going to have to help him or her with all kinds of things. But at least I’ll be able to look at my child in the eye and say that I know all about hard decisions and following your heart. Because if I only know one thing—it’s that there’s no way I’m ever going to be able to look at some kid in the eye and say that I just didn’t want to give up my college dreams for him.” Glaring at them both, she whispered, “I’m never going to be able to do that.”

When she turned back around and started up the stairs to her room, Lilly finally let the tears fall.

Elsa Graber had been right. The truth was all that really mattered. She was hurting and mad and disappointed. But the heavy weight that had plagued her for the last three months was gone.

The truth had set her free.

The restaurant was full and there was a waiting list for tables when Lilly arrived for work the next day.

“I hope you’ve got your track shoes on,” Mrs. Kent teased as she gave Lilly directions. “A bus load of tourists is here for lunch and we need them seated, served, and sent on their way as quickly as possible.”

“I’ll do my best,” Lilly promised, thankful for the full dining room. She needed as much work as possible so she wouldn’t think about the previous evening.

After leaving her fuming parents, she’d gotten ready for bed. Then she’d succumbed to a crying jag, which left her body exhausted but her mind full of worries. She’d woken up early, feeling tired and achy.

Now, though, she felt like an Energizer bunny, eager to get as many tasks accomplished as possible. She liked being at work; it was a welcome break from all the drama in her life.

As the tourists ordered chicken soup, looked at maps, and commented on how cute and quaint Sugarcreek was, Lilly took their orders, served them piping hot bowls of soup and plates of pies, then handed them their checks the moment they were finished.

Back and forth she went, fetching coffee, iced tea, hot rolls, and treats. Each time she passed the kitchen, she saw Gretta and Miriam hard at work on pecan pies and batches of peanut butter cookies.

By three o’clock, the tourists were on their way and the regulars had come and gone. Feeling worn out again, Lilly stopped at each empty table to refill sugar containers and wipe down chairs. Wonderful smells emitted from the kitchen made her stomach growl.

And no wonder, Lilly realized with a bit of a surprise. She hadn’t eaten a thing since a quick bowl of cereal at eight that morning.

Poking her head into Mrs. Kent’s office, she said, “I’m going to take my break now.”

“Take an extra ten minutes if you want them, Lilly. You deserve some time off your feet.”

“Thanks.” She was just about to go search for a snack in the kitchen when Gretta met her at the door with a hearty slice of blueberry pie and a steaming mug of coffee.

“I thought I’d save you some trouble,” she said with a tentative smile. “You like berry pies, don’tcha?”

“I love them. Hey, want to join me?”

“You know what? I just might.”

When Gretta returned with a piping hot cinnamon
roll and sat down across from her, Lilly said, “Can you believe how busy it was?”

“Oh, I can! The tourists are wonderful-
gut
, but they cause quite a stir. They used to bother Donna so much. She found them to be too noisy and rude.”

“I don’t mind those folks at all.” With a shrug, Lilly added, “They’re easy for me to serve. Maybe because I’m pretty much a tourist myself.”

“You’ll get used to things soon enough, I imagine,” Gretta said. “After all, you’ve made some friends among the Amish.”

Lilly knew what Gretta was talking about. Obviously she was worried about her relationship with Josh.

“Listen, I promise, I don’t feel anything but friendship for Josh. And even if I did, the last thing in the world I want to have is a boyfriend.”

Gretta still looked skeptical. “And why is that?”

Lilly figured she might as well get it out in the open. “Because I’m pregnant.”

“Oh my.” Eyes wide, Gretta murmured, “But…who? I mean, where is the baby’s father?”

“His name is Alec, and well, I’m not with him anymore. I thought we were in love, but I guess we weren’t.”

“So now?”

“Now I’m going to be on my own.” Wincing, Lilly said, “And my parents aren’t happy about that. Actually, they’re really mad at me. Last night they sent me up to my room, like I was ten years old or something.”

“Your eyes are red.”

“I guess they are. I, cr…cried myself to sleep.” As
she heard her voice crack again, Lilly shook her head in frustration. “You know what? Maybe they were right to send me off to bed. I’m acting like a child, huh?”

Instead of looking at her like she was a scarlet woman, Gretta scurried around the table and hugged her. “No, Lilly. You’re acting just fine, I think. Just fine.”

Tears came to Lilly’s eyes when she felt the other girl’s reassuring hug. So far, Gretta was the one person who hadn’t peppered her with questions or offered her opinion about what she should do.

After a moment’s pause, Lilly hugged her, too. “Thanks for that,” she murmured. “Thanks for not saying a thing.”

“I haven’t been in your situation, but I do know all about arguing parents,” Gretta said. “They can be terribly hard. My parents aren’t too happy with me at the moment either.”

“Why? You’re perfect.”

“Oh, surely I’m not that! I don’t need to be perfect neither. But I have been in a hard way. See, I’ve been wanting a future for myself. A good future, and I’m not sure what the right choice is.”

“I thought you liked Joshua.”

“I do. Well, I did. But now there’s Roland, too.”

“The other day Miriam said he was nice.”

Gretta chuckled. “Yes, ‘nice’ is really the only way to describe Roland. He’s a safe person for me, you see. Roland never makes me feel too much.”

Lilly understood where she was going. “And if you don’t feel too much, you won’t get hurt.”

Blue eyes widened. “You understand!”

“I do. But since we’re sharing so much, I’ll tell you another secret. When you protect yourself from everything, you don’t get hurt, but you don’t get anything else either. No reassurance, no help. No advice. You’re just alone.”

Gretta looked at her in surprise. “Is that how you’ve been feeling?”

“Yes. See, we moved to Sugarcreek because my parents wanted to keep the pregnancy a secret. I was going to have the baby, give it up for adoption, then go to college. I messed everything up when I changed my mind.”

“Now everyone knows?”

“They’re starting to. I seem to be telling everyone I know these days.”

“I bet you feel better now.”

Lilly looked at her in some shock. “You know what, I think pretty soon I just might. I think when I’m done crying and feeling sorry for myself I might start to realize that what matters is that I can look in the mirror now. I’m happy with my choice. I feel freer.”

“I’ll feel better when I know what to do about Joshua. Sometimes we argue.”

“That’s perfectly normal. All couples argue at least a little bit.”

“Well, I don’t want to be like that. See, my parents, they haven’t gotten along too well in years.”

“I don’t know Josh like you do. But I have gotten the impression that he’s the kind of person who says what he means. He seems to share his feelings with care, but
I don’t think he’s the cold, silent type. Maybe your arguments with him won’t be too bad.”

Gretta’s eyes widened. “I never thought about his silences as anything but a bad thing. Lately, I’ve been mistaking Roland’s ways as better. But it might be far better to know what Joshua is thinking instead of imagining that Roland is never upset.”

“That would be easier for me to take,” said Lilly. “Plus Josh is so cute.”

Gretta’s lips twitched. “Lilly Allen! You said you didn’t think of him that way.”

“I don’t want him as a boyfriend, but I’m not blind. He really is handsome.”

“I have always admired his looks,” Gretta mused.

“Guess what? I have a feeling that Joshua Graber has always liked your looks, too. And your heart and loving nature. In fact, I think he likes a lot of things about you. He’s said he admires your steadiness, Gretta.”

“I hope so.”

“Listen, your hug made my day. If I was Joshua, I’d want to grab hold of a person who could make me feel good and never let her go.”

Gretta stared at her new friend. Such fervent words were mildly shocking, but they made her happy, too. Recalling Judith Graber’s words, about heat and passion, Gretta supposed she’d feel sad if that was never a part of her life. If she’d given it all up for safety’s sake.

At four o’clock, Josh dropped by. Gretta was making a
batch of sour cream cookies when the front door opened with a little jingle. Like a deer in the glade, she stared at him, frozen.

“What do I do?” she murmured to Lilly who was making a new pot of coffee.

“Don’t worry. I’ll take care of this,” Lilly volunteered. And before Gretta could say another word about it, Lilly had walked around the counter with the day’s pies on a neatly written list. “Hi, Josh.”

“Hi.” Cheeks flushed, Joshua was all tense. “I’m here to see Gretta.”

Gretta gasped. Oh, but Joshua looked so determined!

Beside her, Miriam giggled.

Out in the dining room, Lilly acted cool as a cucumber. “Why don’t you go have a seat? I’ll go check to see if she’s available.”

Joshua looked extremely ill at ease when he placed his elbows on the table.

“Do you want to see Josh?” Lilly asked when she entered the kitchen again. “If you don’t, I’ll go tell him you’re too busy.”

“I’m not too busy.” In spite of her doubts, Gretta was eager to see him, too. She dusted her hands on her apron and walked out to the dining room. She smiled a greeting before pulling out a chair. “Hello, Joshua. It’s nice to see you.”

“I’m glad you think that. Lately, I haven’t known whether to approach you or not.”

“I’ve just been busy,” she lied.

“But you have some time now for me?”

If she’d learned anything over the past few weeks, it was to not be too eager. “I’ve got a little bit,” she said offhandedly.

He cleared his throat. “So, how’s the kitchen today?”

“The same as yesterday, busy. I made some sweet bread and berry pies, too. And you? Has the store been crowded?”

“Some.”

“And your family? How are they?”

“They’re fine.” He sighed. “Gretta, I keep hoping things will get better between us, but I don’t know how to do that.”

“It takes two of us, yes?”

They stared at each other for a moment longer. Gretta found herself admiring his eyes, not because of their depth of color but because of the new faint lines that had formed around them. They’d given him some character, and showed that he wasn’t perfect, not like she used to think he was, anyway.

“Yes,” he said softly. “It does take two of us. And I’m willing to try, if you are.”

This was her time. This was her choice.
Help me, Lord
, she prayed silently.
Help me know what is right
.

As if someone was directing her mouth, she heard herself saying the right words. The words coming from her heart. “I think I am,” she murmured.

“That’s wonderful, yes?”

“Yes,” she said hesitantly. “Just don’t push too hard, Joshua.”

Pleasure flashed in his eyes before he hid it again.
“Have…have I told you about what Maggie said when she was helping Daed with the horses?”

“I can only imagine.”

“She said that poor old Jim was a right lucky horse, since he was getting new shoes and all.”

Oh, but she did love his sweet little sister! She could imagine the scene with Maggie and Mr. Graber so clearly—just as if she’d been there, too. “That Maggie always makes me smile,” she said fondly. “Tell me another story about her. What else has she been doing?”

Joshua grinned. “Everything you can imagine. She’s been following Carrie around and fussing with her things.” He paused. “I don’t have another story about Maggie, but I do have news about Toby. He’s finally talking and has been repeating everything Caleb says. It’s driving Caleb crazy, of course.”

Leaning back, Gretta chuckled. She was so happy to be talking about usual things. So happy to have things almost back to normal.