Winter’s Awakening (15 page)

As Lilly looked from one shocked expression to the next, she felt as if her world was falling apart. What in the world had
possessed
her to blurt that she was pregnant? To a bunch of Amish no less! Now they’d probably really wanted Joshua to have nothing to do with her.

Lilly stood up. The sudden movement caused her chair to scrape the wood floor with a loud screech. Wincing, she looked at Josh, at Mrs. Graber. “Sorry. And, um, I’m so sorry about the news, too. I don’t know why I said that.”

“You don’t?” Mrs. Graber’s brows drew downward. “You aren’t really expecting?”

Oh, this was getting worse. “Oh, no. I am. I just never intended to tell you all.”

“I’d like to know why not,” Joshua said grimly.

Before Lilly could figure out what to say to that, Judith
came to the rescue. “I think it’s fine and good that you told us. We would have found out sooner or later, yes?”

Thoroughly miserable, Lilly nodded. “Yes.” Peeking again in Joshua’s direction, she inwardly groaned. He was glaring at her in distrust. Like she was an invader in his home.

She supposed she was. Here, they’d invited her into their home, and she’d ruined things by shocking them. Stepping backward, she held up her hands. “Listen, I think I’m just going to go on home now.”

“But you haven’t finished your hot chocolate,” Mrs. Graber said.

“It’s okay. I’m sure you don’t want me here.”

Judith looked at her in confusion. “Why would you ever think that?”

“Because of what I just told you. Because I’m not married.”

Judith’s cheeks turned rosy but it was Elsa Graber who clucked a bit and smiled. “We might be Amish, but we know how
kinner
are made, Lilly Allen. What you said isn’t so shocking.”

Joshua took a deep breath. “Yes. Please sit down, Lilly. With you standing there, it feels like you’re hovering over us.”

Warily, Lilly sat. She supposed there were benefits to sitting and seeing this moment through. If she ran from the room, Lilly knew she’d very likely do just about anything to avoid her neighbors. She might as well finish up the conversation. Tentatively, she sipped her drink. Finding it deliciously hot, she sipped again,
the liquid comforting her insides. At the moment, she felt so cold from the raw embarrassment of what she’d just revealed. So cold, and so exposed.

Mrs. Graber watched her and smiled in a tender way. “There, now. Drink up. Milk’s always gut for the
bobbli
,
jah
?”

“Bobbli means baby,” Judith said helpfully.

“Oh. Yes…milk is good for the baby,” she replied slowly. Lilly tried to recall a meal when her parents mentioned something like that. She couldn’t. Her entire family struggled to forget her secret. “Mrs. Graber, you seem to be taking my news better than my parents.”

“Your parents aren’t pleased?”

“Uh, no. Not at all.”

“What about your man?” Judith asked. “Is he most pleased?”

“No, he isn’t. Actually, he’s out of the picture.”

“What picture is that?” Josh asked.

His question almost made her smile. Almost. “I meant, uh, he, Alec, didn’t want much to do with me once he found out.”

Alarm crossed Mrs. Graber’s features. “Well, my goodness. Now that sounds terribly harsh.”

“It was.” Then, thinking that wasn’t near the whole story, Lilly amended her words. “He doesn’t want the baby, but I can’t say I’m all that upset about that. Alec and I…well, we’re not well suited. I’d love to say I did everything right, but I did many things wrong. I liked a guy who I knew wasn’t right for me. And I let myself be talked into something I wasn’t ready for.”

Judith looked at her compassionately. “You made some mistakes.”

“I did. It’s hard to explain, but I didn’t want to make any more by forcing this boy to pretend to care for me and the baby when he didn’t.”

“No, you can’t force relationships,” Josh said, looking lost in thought.

“No, you can’t.” Then, because it felt so good to just talk about everything that had been going on instead of being lectured, Lilly added, “My parents want me to put the baby up for adoption.”

Mrs. Graber blinked. “Ah.”

“And will you?” Judith asked.

“I can’t decide,” she said impulsively, giving away to the usual half-truths that she’d been teasing herself with over the last few weeks. But as the caring feelings of the Grabers circled her heart, Lilly knew she could no longer lie to herself, or to everyone else.

“Actually, what I just said…that’s not true. I have made up my mind. I don’t want to give the baby up. Even though there are plenty of good reasons to do that.” Flushing, she added, “I’ve even called Ms. Vonn, the adoption agency lady, and told her the news. So everything’s pretty much settled. I just haven’t told my parents.”

Judith whistled low. “Oh my. They’re going to be mighty surprised.”

“They sure are. They’re going to be surprised and disappointed that I’m not listening to their advice. See,
they have a whole future planned out for me. And college, too. Plus, they’re going to be upset that I didn’t tell them that I changed my mind right away. That I called up Ms. Vonn without letting them know first. It’s a real mess.”

She looked Josh’s way again, but felt the lump in her throat build when he still seemed shell-shocked. Recalling how he’d spilled his secrets to her about Gretta, Lilly knew he was feeling like she’d been less than truthful with him.

Tentatively, she said, “Josh, I really am sorry I didn’t tell you the other day. But being pregnant is a really hard thing to talk about. Especially to you.”

“Why me?”

“You’re the first friend I’ve made here, and I didn’t want to ruin things. I knew you’d be shocked. I was afraid you’d hate me, and then I’d be all alone again.”

“I am surprised, that is true,” he said slowly. “But I could never hate you, Lilly. I could never do that.”

“I’m glad you don’t hate me.” Relief and her old friend, guilt, washed over her. When were things going to settle down?

When you start being honest with yourself and other people.

Hearing that voice guiding her—advising her—made Lilly lift her chin. Yes, she’d been slow to accept the Lord’s will, but now that she was embracing the truth, she did feel a little bit better.

After studying her carefully, Mrs. Graber patted her
on the shoulder. “Well, now we have no secrets, do we? You’ll have to come over more often so we can hear how the baby’s doing. Please say you will.”

“I’d like that, but I assumed you didn’t want me and Josh to be friends.”

Looking from Lilly to Josh, Elsa Graber nodded. “It is true that I’ve been worried about my eldest. I didn’t like to think of his eyes straying. I wanted to hold him tight to our ways, thinking if I put up boundaries then he would never be tempted to cross them. But that was a mistake, ain’t so, Joshua?”

Slowly, he nodded. “I’m old enough to know my mind, and to know my needs. Telling me to not do something that I know is right isn’t going to stop me from doing it.”

Judith smiled. “Well said, Joshua.”

Mrs. Graber continued. “Maybe I, too, have been needin’ some learning. Your being here has reminded me about the importance of relationships and friendship, too, Lilly. Nothing’s so bad when you have friends to support you. I’ve been so anxious that I might lose Joshua, that he was gonna stray from everything I believe in that I gave no room for other ideas.” She sighed. “To my shame, I even let my worries stray to your family, Lilly Allen. I didn’t want to get to know your kin. I didn’t want to make friends with your
mamm
, even though she’s invited me over for coffee. I do feel bad about that.”

“Please don’t,” Lilly said. “I know my parents have been worried about things between Josh and me, too.
They don’t trust my judgment anymore. They thought I would never look to a boy simply in friendship.”

“And that’s all Lilly and me have been, Mamm,” Josh said softly. “Just friends. I didn’t want to stray from our way of life. I still do not.”

“I think I am understanding that now. Now that we’re all getting to know one another, I see my mistakes. And I have noticed that there, indeed, is something between the two of you that is strong and solid. But now I see that the something is friendship, yes?”

“Yes,” said Lilly. “I’m really thankful for Josh’s friendship.”

“I think he appreciates you. I’m sorry to say I let my fears close to my heart. I had a mother’s worry that your friendship was going to change things. That he would jump the fence and I’d lose him. But I think differently now. I think you need us, Lilly Allen. And once more, I think maybe we need you.”

She was shocked. “You might need me?”

“Oh, yes. I need you to remind me about how strong a mother’s love is. How it’s okay to make mistakes.” With a lovely smile she added, “And I do so love babies.”

“Now that I’ve told you all, I wish I’d told my parents the truth, too.”

“You should tell them today, yes?”

Lilly stared at Mrs. Graber, touched by the acceptance in the woman’s eyes. Oh, if only things with her parents were that easy. “I should tell them, but I’m afraid.”

“You should just sit them down and tell them what you’re feeling in your heart. They’ll understand.”

“It’s just not that simple. I don’t know how to tell them everything I’ve been thinking,” Lilly admitted. “Through all of this, my parents really have been trying to make things better for me. They think by contacting the adoption agency, moving away from our old neighborhood, and keeping everything a secret, they’ve helped me.”

“But it’s hard to help when you don’t listen, yes?” murmured Mrs. Graber.

“Exactly. Every time I try to talk about my future they start talking about their dreams for me. I hear their words and then feel terrible. Because their dreams are great. I hate to disappoint them.”

“Now you will have dreams for your own child,” Judith interjected. “You will be a mother with hopes and dreams, too.”

“That’s true.” A sense of wonder filled her as she contemplated the miracle that had been happening inside of her, but she’d been too blind to see. “Those thoughts will be so nice. But maybe they won’t all come true either.”

Mrs. Graber chuckled. “I can promise you that they won’t all come true, Lilly.
Kinner
have a way of growing up and speaking their minds.”

“I’m going to do it. I’m going to tell my parents the truth. Tonight.”

Nodding in approval, Mrs. Graber said, “Getting things out in the open is the best. Even if at first things are hard.”

“Oh, this will be hard. I’m sure of it.” Standing up again, she scooted out her chair and picked up her coat.
“Well, wish me luck. I’m off to go tell my parents the truth before I lose my nerve.”

“Good luck, Lilly,” Josh said as he stood up and walked her to the door.

“Yes, good luck,” Mrs. Graber said with a smile. “But I have a feeling you won’t be needin’ any of our good wishes at all. The truth is the best thing. With the truth, everything will work out like it’s supposed to.”

“I hope you’re right,” Lilly said before she slipped on her coat. “I certainly hope you’re right about this.”

When Lilly got home, Charlie was still out, but her parents were sitting in the living room. Her father was on the couch with a paper spread across his lap and her mom was sitting at the bench of their upright piano. Both turned her way when she entered the room.

“Where have you been?” her mom asked.

“Over at the neighbors’ house.”

“The Grabers? What for?”

“I was waiting for Josh. We talked for a while, then he invited me over and we drank hot chocolate.”

Her parents exchanged glances.

“I see,” her dad said. “Lilly, I thought you understood our worries about you and that Amish boy. We really don’t want you getting too close to him.”

Since their words of caution were so much like Mrs. Graber’s, Lilly smiled. “It’s too late for that warning. We’re already close. Really close.”

Her mother closed the cover of the piano keys and walked to the couch. “Oh, for heaven’s sakes.”

Her father picked up the thread. “Lilly, don’t you see? You’re in no condition to start a new relationship. And even if you were, I think it’s a mistake, timing wise. You’ll be in college before you know it.”

There was that word again.
Condition.
Her irritation at the euphemism gave her all the courage she needed to finally say what was on her mind. “This
condition
is called pregnancy. I’m pregnant, Dad. And, well, I’ve decided that I’m not going to go to college anytime soon.”

“You’ll feel differently after you deliver,” her mom said. “Once you pick a family for the adoption and have the baby, you’ll be thinking about all kinds of new challenges.”

“Next year I’ll…I’ll be raising the baby myself,” she stated, flushing because she heard herself stutter. Straightening up a bit, she tried to instill some control over herself. “I—I mean I’ve decided not to give it up.”

With a heavy sigh, her dad rubbed his head like she was giving him a headache. “Lilly, we’ve been through this before.”

“No, we haven’t. You’ve told me what to do and think and I agreed with you because I didn’t want to make you mad. But…I can’t do it. I tried to see things your way, but I can’t. And once more, I don’t think I should have to. I’m keeping the baby.”

“Did all this thinking come from Josh? Did he tell you that giving your baby to a deserving home was a sin or something?”

“He didn’t tell me anything! He and his mom listened
when I told them and said they were glad I’d made my decision and was at peace with it.”

“You’ve already told the Graber family? You told them before you told us?” The injured look in her mother’s eyes matched her tone.

“It just came out. I’ve been meaning to tell you what I decided, but I was too nervous. I knew we’d start arguing.”

“Stating our opinions isn’t arguing.”

“I don’t think we need to talk much about it, anyway. I’ve made my choice and I’m sticking to it.”

Her mother’s lips pursed. “Well, we’ll see how you feel when Ms. Vonn stops by on Friday.”