Winter’s Awakening (12 page)

The line was going slow because of Jacob’s grandfather. Old Mr. Kempfs never failed to spark a conversation wherever he went, and the line for lunch after services must have seemed as good a time as any to catch up on the latest news.

As everyone waited in a long line around the perimeter of the barn, the weather was commented on as well as a new remedy someone had heard about for toothaches.

Gretta tried to look as if the minor interruption didn’t bother her at all, but in truth, she was more than a bit chilly, standing as near as she was to the barn’s opening. The metal building, so much easier for the farmers to install nowadays, was in most ways a mighty good spot for church services and a luncheon. But there was no insulation against the cold.

In addition, her head was aching something fierce. All
she wanted to do was have her bowl of soup and sandwich and go sit down.

Finally Jacob’s grandfather patted a youngster on the head, said goodbye, and went off to sit with the other men at the far back table and the line started moving again.

Beside her, Miriam was chatting to her sister, Ruth, about a dinner Ruth was hosting for her in-laws. Usually, Gretta would be eager to hear the details of the meal, and to offer some suggestions, too. Used to be, every so often she’d put herself to sleep at night imagining all the kinds of dinners that she’d cook for her own in-laws.

But now her future was all topsy-turvy, like someone had pulled a rug out from under her feet. She was finding it difficult to keep her bearings. All she wanted was to get her lunch and sit down.

The line inched closer. Ahead of her, she heard her mother exclaim over the potato salad of Jenna Seitz. Gretta frowned. Jenna always did know how to put just the right amount of sugar and vinegar in her salad. She, herself, had never mastered that. Hers was always too sweet or too tangy.

Most days her failed attempts didn’t bother her. Now, though, it seemed to be yet one more source of aggravation.

Finally they approached the two long tables where everything was spread out. Gretta picked up a bowl and plate. Following the others, she passed over the peanut
butter spread put out for the children. Instead, she ladled in a portion of vegetable soup and placed some trail bologna, freshly sliced bread, pickles, relish, and salad on her plate, then followed the others to the women’s row of benches.

In the summer, many of the young people liked to sit together outside. More than once she and Miriam had brought along a quilt and sat with girlfriends under the trees, enjoying the day and the opportunities to visit and catch up with friends. The day would be made perfect when Joshua would join her—sometimes with his siblings Judith or Caleb, and sometimes with friends.

Of course, in the winter it wasn’t near as easy to find a quiet place. And here in the Seitz barn with the metal walls, there could surely be no louder place around for miles. The noise from everyone’s chatter felt deafening.

And all the talk—at least to Gretta’s way of thinking—seemed to be centered around her and Joshua. Everyone seemed to know that they weren’t a courting couple anymore.

Though she tried not to turn her head, she couldn’t help but look Joshua’s way when she walked by his table to her own. He was sitting next to his brother Caleb and a few other boys. His cheeks were rosy and he was laughing at someone’s joke.

As she passed him, he conspicuously put his head down and averted his eyes. Gretta wondered if it was in retaliation for her frosty attitude when she’d visited his family’s store.

All the elation she’d felt from turning down his offer of a buggy ride had faded when she’d walked home alone, carrying that big bag of rice.

At first she’d been so proud of herself for being aloof and strong in the store, but as each foot stepped in front of the other, she’d known she should have given Joshua a chance. She knew she should have graciously accepted his offer. They could have used the time to visit. And Gretta could have asked a few more questions about his relationship with the
Englischer
, to see if all the newest rumors about him going walking with Lilly Allen were true.

But she’d been unwilling to have her parents see that Joshua was driving her home once again. She’d known that her mother would ask a dozen questions and she would be forced to answer them. Then there would have been a good chance that a fight would erupt between her parents and they’d end the day in silence once again. Just like it had ended the evening before.

Yes, that had been the main reason, but not the only one. She’d also let her cursed pride take over.

Of course, giving into such sins had come with consequences. She’d been lonely walking by herself, and had quickly discovered that even five pounds of rice became a burden after a few blocks.

Now, walking by his table, Gretta, too, kept her head averted. There was no point trying to make things better at the moment. Especially not in front of their entire community.

“How can Joshua sit there, looking so happy?” Miriam
said a little too loudly once they’d seated themselves and said a quick prayer of thanks. “Everyone knows he broke your heart.”

“He didn’t break it all by himself. He had some help from me,” Gretta whispered. “We need to be quiet about it here, though. I’ve no desire for anyone to hear our private conversation.”
Again
, she silently added, remembering how their “private” conversation had eventually found its way to Joshua’s ears. Unfortunately, her girlfriend didn’t have any desire to either lower her voice or stop talking. “I’ve heard Joshua is much sadder when he’s not here, among friends.” Looking superior, Miriam added, “I heard the news from Jenna, who heard it from Judith Graber herself.”

“Well, it’s
gut
to know our community’s gossip mills are running well.” Listlessly, Gretta took another bite of potato salad.

Miriam ignored the jab. “What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.” Hoping to turn the tables, Gretta asked, “So, who has caught your eye lately? I didn’t notice who you paired off with during the last Sunday’s singing.”

Completely ignoring the question, Miriam’s voice rose. “But you should know who you fancy now, Gretta. This is an important thing, jah?”

It was too important for her to speak about it in the middle of their luncheon. “Let’s not speak any more of this.”

“But Gretta—”

“Please, Miriam. You don’t know how badly my head is
pounding. Besides, my mamm has already taken to darting a half dozen looks my way. She’s going to pepper me good with questions for the whole buggy ride home.”

“Ach, she will.”

Little by little, the din in the room slowly subsided as a few of the older couples began to take their leave. Since Gretta had been one of the last to be served, she stayed put, slowly eating her lunch though she didn’t taste a bit of it.

But then, as another hush flowed around her, and as Miriam giggled behind a napkin, Gretta looked up.

And only saw those lovely grayish green eyes of Joshua. He was standing before her, calm as you please. “Maybe I could take you home, Gretta?”

She was tempted. But she was afraid of those temptations. Before, she’d felt her future was secure with Joshua. Before, she’d never doubted her feelings for him…or his for her. But now things had changed. She no longer felt blind devotion toward him. Now she realized that things with Joshua might never be without conflict.

And that sometimes he could be terribly selfish.

And sometimes…so could she.

Now she needed some space and time as well. She needed to determine what would be best for herself. She couldn’t do it sitting next to Joshua.

If she gave in to her desires, if she took a turn with him in his buggy, chances were good that she’d soon be forgetting everything that was wrong between them. If
she sat by his side, sharing a quilt and exchanging laughter, in no time at all she’d be eager for his smiles. Start eagerly waiting for him to stop by her home. To compliment her on her cooking. Anxious to plan her future again.
Their
future again.

She didn’t dare accept his offer.

“Not today, Joshua.”

“Oh. Well, all right.” Rocking a bit on his heels, he murmured, “Gretta, how about we sit together for a bit right now? We have some things to talk about, I imagine.”

Around them, time seemed to stop as everyone listened for her reply. Gretta knew what would happen if she did accept Joshua’s offer. Someone would somehow find a way to eavesdrop on them. All people needed was snippets of their conversation to start gossiping. Living in their close community, everything that happened was fodder for speculation and interpretation.

And everything always had a way of getting back to her mother.

“Joshua, I don’t think sitting with you would be a good idea.”

“You sure?”

“I am. We needed a break, yes?” He looked so confused, so helpless, so handsome, she almost changed her mind. His eyes always did find a way to pierce through any resistance. To penetrate her heart. It reminded her of how much Joshua always was able to see and understand beyond words.

After a moment he nodded. “All right, then. Maybe another time.”

“Maybe so. Or…maybe not.”

When he looked at her in surprise before turning and walking away, Gretta almost blushed. Being so snippy was not her way. But at the moment, she didn’t think she wanted to be any way else.

Certainly not a person to be played games with or pitied.

Definitely not to be pitied. She had some pride. She still remembered just how she’d felt when Joshua had said he wanted a break between them. She’d felt like her heart was breaking.

She just hoped he missed her sometimes, as much as she knew she missed him.

She’d just placed her napkin on her plate when Miriam coughed a warning. “What now?”

Miriam’s eyes were gleeful. “Oh, Gretta, looks who’s walkin’ your way!”

Following her friend’s not-so-subtle finger point, Gretta inwardly groaned. Oh, for heaven’s sakes!

To her consternation, there was Roland Schrock, making a beeline right for her.

“Hi, there, Gretta.”

“Hello, Roland. Good day.”

“The weather is nice. It’s not too cold. Perhaps you’d like to go for a buggy ride with me?”

She’d been cold all morning. She had a headache. She was confused and irritable.

But as she looked into his brown eyes, Gretta recalled his kindness the other day. In addition, she remembered just how she’d defended him to her mother. Surely she hadn’t defended Roland simply to give her mother trouble?

Was she at all interested in Roland? She should at least try to be, Gretta supposed. He was the type of man she’d been praying to have in her life. He was so stable. He didn’t ask much of her. Not like Joshua, who made her mad and anxious. Who could make her heart beat a little too fast with one slow, meaningful look.

Who could also crush her spirits with one unkind comment. Who also had been seen spending time with that English neighbor of his.

Sternly, she told herself that it was most definitely time to think of the future instead of the past. “Why yes, Roland, I would like to take a ride with you. It sounds mighty nice.”

Roland smiled and lifted his chin a bit more. “I would like that. You can tell your mother that I’ll bring you home, too.”

Well, where else would he be bringing her? She thought somewhat peevishly. Then she recalled she was trying to encourage him. And that she wanted to be a good Christian woman, too. “I will tell Mamm that.
Danke
.”

Around her, the air was thick with anticipation. Well, perhaps it was time to give the gossipmongers some of their wishes. “When would you like to leave, Roland?”

The outside of his eyes wrinkled a bit as he smiled. Those lines gave her a bit of reassurance. They surely showed that he was a man who liked to be happy. “Now?”

He didn’t seem to notice that she still had a full bowl of soup and needed to help gather and wash the dishes, too. “After I finish my soup and clean up, yes?”

“Oh. Of course.”

“I imagine I’ll be ready within the hour.”

“I’ll be waiting.” When he smiled again before turning away, Gretta caught sight of Joshua looking at her very curiously.

“What are you doing?” Miriam whispered as soon as Roland was out of earshot. “The way you were smiling at Roland caught everyone’s notice! You’re tempting fate, I think.”

“I most certainly am not. I’m doing my best to follow the Lord’s advice.”

“Which is?”

“He’s obviously put Roland in my path for a reason. I need to see what that reason is.”

“Maybe he put Roland there to remind you of just how wonderful Joshua Graber is.”

“Joshua is wonderful-
gut
,” Gretta agreed. “But I don’t know if he’s wonderful-
gut
for me.”

“Roland only wants something Joshua had.”

Miriam’s words hurt her feelings, even if they might be true. But Gretta vowed to not let her hurt show. She knew Miriam had not meant the statement in a harsh way. “I best finish my soup now. I’ll need to help with the clean up, too.”

Miriam rolled her eyes. “And we canna forget that Roland is waiting. Waiting and watching you.”

At the moment, Gretta knew he was only one of many.

After giving up any hope of eating her soup, Gretta stood up and looked for her mother. Finally she found her near a back table, eating snickerdoodles and visiting with a trio of her lady friends.

After greeting the ladies, she bent toward her mother. “Roland is going to take me home today.”

“Not Joshua?”

“No.” Sneaking a peek at the other women, who weren’t even trying to look like they weren’t eavesdropping, Gretta lowered her voice. “I’ll explain things to you and Daed later.”

“But Gretta—”

“It’s done, Mamm.”

When her mother reached out a hand to halt her progress, one of the other ladies clucked. “Let her go, Deanna. Watching her dilemmas makes me feel young again.”

Gretta smiled gratefully, then went on her way.

When Roland’s buggy left with Gretta inside of it, Josh pretended to be inspecting his horse’s bridle. But in truth, he found if he adjusted his body just so, he could watch the buggy go down the lane for just a little bit longer.