Winter’s Awakening (10 page)

“But is that what God wants? I don’t know.”

“What’s wrong, Josh?” His questions didn’t seem merely curious. No, something specific was on his mind.

He didn’t answer at first as they followed the trail, walking around a stack of broken logs, passing a thicket of trees barren of leaves. Lilly struggled to keep up with his pace—his legs were longer and he was far more used to the area than she was.

Finally, after stepping carefully over a frozen patch of water, they slowed as the ground sloped down and the ground underfoot became more littered with stones and pebbles.

“See, for years, I’ve only thought about Gretta,” he said softly.

She’d heard the name before. “She’s your girlfriend, right?”

“She’s my sweetheart, yes.” He shook his head. “No, that’s not right. She’s been my almost sweetheart. Everyone assumed we’d be courting in earnest by now and planning our wedding.”

“But not now?”

“I don’t know about now. A few days ago I told Gretta that I wanted some time to think about things. I told her that I wasn’t sure about her. About us.”

“Wow.” Lilly could only imagine how that had gone over. “What did she say?”

Looking completely puzzled, he said, “She said that she understood. That she would like some time, too.” He hung his head. “I think there was more than that, though. I think she was mighty sad.”

“I bet she was. But she might have been telling the truth. Girls have doubts and change their minds, too. So, are you happy that she let you off so easily?”

“That’s the problem, I fear. See, I thought hearing that she understood would be good news, indeed. But it wasn’t. I felt like maybe I wanted her to be missing me. Now, I just learned that Roland took her home the other day. I see that he’s just been waiting for me to get out of the way.” He paused, gathering his thoughts. “Perhaps that is how it’s supposed to be? Perhaps she never really liked me as much as I thought she did.”

He was jealous!
Somehow that made Lilly feel even
more secure in sharing her opinions—jealousy was a universal flaw. It certainly wasn’t as hard to relate to as living an Amish life. “Trust me, if Roland has been around for a while and Gretta ignored him until recently, she only likes you.”

Hope flared in his eyes before worry returned. “I don’t know if Gretta thinks like that.”

“If she’s a girl, she does.” When he frowned, she did a little more prodding. “What about you? Is there another girl that you’re thinking of?”

“For a few days, it was you, Lilly,” he blurted.

In a flash, her mouth went dry. “Me?”

“Oh,
jah
. I looked at you and…wondered.”

She was so completely embarrassed for the both of them, she wanted to run away. Yes, there was definitely something between them, a true connection, but she wasn’t ready to try and figure out what exactly that was. She wasn’t ready to fall in love again. She wasn’t even ready to fall in “like”…“Josh,” she began slowly…“I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I don’t—”

“Oh, I don’t fancy you.” He laughed. “I realized that as soon as I prayed about it.”

In spite of the prim little lecture she’d been about to give him, she felt a little disappointed. “Oh.”

“After all, we wouldn’t suit. You’re English.”

“I know. You’re Amish, by the way.”

Smiling softly, he said, “We could never make a match. I don’t fancy being an
Englischer
…and somehow I don’t see you eager to be Amish neither.”

“Then what were you thinking about me? If, you know, you weren’t thinking that you wanted to, you know…”

“Go courting?”

“Yes. Go courting.”

“It’s like this. Lilly, if seeing you turns my head, if seeing you makes me think of different things, if being with you makes me doubt my future with Gretta…then something’s gotta be wrong, don’tcha think?”

“I don’t know.” Thinking of Alec—and how sweet he was until she asked for more than he could give—she murmured, “Sometimes people change. Sometimes the things we want take us by surprise and then we don’t know how to deal with it.”

“You do understand.”

“I do. Unfortunately.”

They’d finally stopped next to the wide creek. All her worries about the future faded as she gazed at its simple beauty. It was so peaceful. Deer tracks decorated the snowy banks, but that was the only sign that other creatures had visited it as well. Large sections of the creek bed were frozen solid. A spattering of snow decorated the top like coconut on a cake.

But in other areas, only a thin layer of ice separated the water from the outside air. The ice was so thin and transparent, she saw a running current flowing smooth over the rocks.

It made her think of their lives. Of how some parts were so stable and fixed, nothing could penetrate them.
But other areas were far thinner. They might look solid, but the fragile layers were easily broken. In transition. And in those parts, why anything was possible. Ice could return…or it could all melt away.

Next to her, Josh also looked intrigued by the water. Finally, he spoke. “Lilly, I feel it’s as if God gave me a little push into this terribly cold water, shaking me up. Wakening up my feelings.”

“Giving you an awakening.”

He nodded. “
Jah
. And now that I’m so awake, I hardly know what to do. Everything before seems too quiet.”

Thinking of the baby, Lilly realized that she, too, felt the same way. “I’ve had an awakening, too,” she said slowly. For a moment, she was tempted to tell him about the pregnancy, about Alec’s stunned expression when she’d told him. About how embarrassed and ashamed she’d been to tell her parents. About how alone she’d felt when she realized that the new life growing inside her was also ending their relationship.

About everyone’s determination that she should have this baby and move on and forget that she’d ever been pregnant. But she didn’t dare voice the words. It was too difficult.

And too much of a secret. Besides, what would she do if Josh was so shocked by her circumstances that he abandoned her, too? She didn’t think she could bear it. For once she felt like she had someone to talk to.

“What was your awakening?”

She told what she could. “Oh, about what you’d expect. I’ve been trying to figure out the rest of my life.
And, moving here has been really hard, too. It’s really different from Cleveland. Sugarcreek is so small.”

“It has everything you’d ever need, though.”

“I suppose it does…for some people.”

“But not for you?”

“No. Well, at least I don’t think so.” Reaching out, she squeezed his hand. “But it’s not all bad. We met.”

“Yes. Perhaps one day we could be friends.”

“I’d like that, Josh. I could use a friend.” She felt her muscles relax as she looked at their clasped hands. For just a moment longer, she took time to enjoy how secure her mittened hand felt in his heavy, work-hardened one.

After another reassuring squeeze, Josh dropped his hand. “Let’s go back, yes?”

“Yes.”

As they walked along, she couldn’t resist teasing him. “So, you really never thought about dating me? After you prayed on it, I mean?”

“Dating?”

“Come on, you know. Courting.” She leaned closer, nudged him with her shoulder. “Hugging. Kissing. You never thought about kissing me?”

To her amusement he glanced at her lips, and was evidently weighing the pros and cons of his interest in her…right there to her face. “I’m sorry but no. I’ve had no interest in kissing you at all.” His words and tone were solemn.

But his eyes were merry.

“Liar. I bet you’ve thought about kissing me. I’ve thought about kissing you.”

“And?”

“I don’t think we’d enjoy it at all, Joshua Graber. I, uh, hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all. It’s a fair relief I won’t be having to fend you off, and that’s a fact.”

As they continued the long trek back to their homes, Lilly found herself laughing more than she had in six months. Found herself chatting and sharing things with Josh…things she never imagined ever telling another person.

“I best go to work now.”

“Yes. I, um, have things to do also.”

After all the stress and all the arguing…Joshua Graber was making her life bearable.

And for that, she knew she’d always be grateful.

She felt warm and secure…until she saw her mother staring through one of the front windows of the house. And she was glaring at her in disbelief.

“Have a care,” Caleb warned under his breath just as Joshua closed the kitchen door behind him later that evening. “Mamm and Daed aren’t none too happy.”

He barely had a moment to stare at his brother somewhat dumbly before his father marched up to him, eyes full of fire.

“Joshua, you were seen walking with that
Englischer
this morning. Seen walking together hand in hand near the river.”

He couldn’t help but be puzzled by his father’s tone. Trying to unscramble the accusations, he pulled off his black felt hat and rubbed his head. “
Englischer?
Oh, you mean Lilly?”

“Son, don’t sound so confused. You know whom I speak of. Of course I am speaking about Lilly Allen.”

Behind their father, Caleb shook his head in a well-practiced sign of warning.

Joshua still didn’t understand what he was in trouble about. “What about her?”

His father’s usual calm demeanor went walking as his anger roared to life. “What about her? Don’t play such games with me, Joshua. You sit down here and talk to me.”

Joshua winced. Yes, he most certainly should’ve been more circumspect. Hastily, he sat. And waited. After a moment, Caleb kicked his boot. “Say something,
bruder
.”

His father narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. For sure, his patience had neared its end.

So Josh started talking. “I meant to say yes, I was walking with Lilly this morning before I went to work.”

“We told you at supper that we didn’t want you spending any more time with her. She is not for you, Joshua.”

“I know that. We’re just friends, that’s all.”

His father’s steel gray eyes flashed. “You have friends. Plenty of Amish friends. You don’t need her.”

He knew different. When he thought about how well Lilly had listened when he’d admitted his feelings for Gretta…when he thought of how helpful she’d tried to be…Joshua knew that he needed her something awful. She was a friend he wanted to have for many years into the future. “I think otherwise.”

“Should we forbid you to see her, then?”

“No. Course not,” he said slowly, weighing each word with care.

Joshua wished he could see more of his brother than just his profile. Then he’d be able to get a bit more in
formation. The Graber family knew many among the English. They counted more than a handful as friends. Both of his parents spoke often of their old neighbors, the Wilsons. What had set their father off?

“It’s time you became baptized, son. It’s more than past. It’s time you put away your running-around years, and stopped your questions and worries. It’s time you grew up and became part of the community and put childish notions aside. You need to accept your life, and accept your responsibility to it.”

It took everything Joshua had inside him not to counter each of his father’s statements just to clarify things. He most certainly had not been “running around” in years.

Plus, all he did was work at home and at the store. If that was not accepting responsibility, he didn’t know what was!

Oh, but he wanted to speak up for himself, to counter his father’s lists of his failings. However, Joshua didn’t need his brother’s frantic hand signals to let him know that it was time to be quiet.

And, well, he’d been planning to tell his parents he was ready to be baptized soon anyway. “I agree, Father,” he replied almost meekly, when his father finally drew a breath. “I’ll get baptized soon.”

One peppered black eyebrow rose. “You will?”

“I will. I will talk to the bishop and the church leaders on Sunday. I’m finally ready.”

“Gut.”
Looking like a balloon that had just lost all its air, his father nodded. With a small weary sigh, he stood
up, turned on his heel, then walked down the stairs to the basement.

When they were alone, Josh sighed and leaned back in his chair. “Thanks for the warning, but I think I could have used it a little bit earlier. Daed was surely in a fine temper.”

“That’s because Mamm was fit to be tied. She’s been so worried that Lilly Allen has turned your head. Someone saw the two of you together talking by the river and thought of the worst.”

Joshua rolled his eyes. “And the worst was that she and I might like each other?”

“To Mamm, that would be terribly bad. You know that.”

“I’m sorry she was worried, but things will be fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“All we’ve become is friends. Mamm and Daed shouldn’t have any worries about Lilly and I being more than that. Ever.”

“Are you back to Gretta, then?”

Caleb never did watch his tongue! But though Joshua had an urge to tell him to mind his own business, after talking things through with Lilly, Joshua was starting to realize that he’d been trying to do too much on his own instead of praying and waiting for God to lead him to the right path. “Gretta suits me,” he added. “She and I will most likely be happy together.”

“But you’re not positive?”

“No.”

After Caleb thought on that for a bit, he said, “You
know, it is
gut
that you are joining the church now. Finally. It’s time. I mean, if that’s what you want.”

Something in his brother’s tone made Joshua look at Caleb a little more closely. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

This time it was Caleb who looked like he would like to be dodging questions. “No reason. It’s just that some people don’t ever join, you know.”

“Some don’t, but I can’t think of a member of our family who hasn’t been baptized.”

“One day I bet someone will change his mind and won’t.”

“I doubt it.” For his part, Joshua couldn’t even imagine such a thing. Being Amish was who they were. He might have questions about who to marry or what to do, but never about that. “I hope I’m not around to see Daed’s face if that happens,” he joked. “Can you imagine how angry he’d be?”

But instead of grinning, Caleb only stared at him with solemn eyes. “Yes, I can. I can imagine his anger perfectly.”

What did one say about a sweetheart who no longer thought you were good enough? That’s what Gretta wanted to know. She sure was needing that answer something awful, now that her love life was the focus of most every conversation.

The gossips were full of themselves in the shops and in the restaurant, too. Even Miriam had had quite a bit to say about Gretta taking a ride in Roland’s buggy.

Just this morning Gretta had struggled to redirect
most every conversation that Miriam had started. It seemed that all conversational roads began and ended with Joshua Graber.

Or Roland Schrock.

Or both.

She was right tired of it all.

The frosty atmosphere permeating everything at home was not a help either. Though her father had reassured her that they both only wanted her happy, Gretta wasn’t so sure.

More than ever, she wished her mother would step aside and not interfere so much. Lately she’d had something to say about everything and it didn’t matter if Gretta wanted to hear about her opinions or not.

This day was no different.

From the moment Gretta had stepped inside that afternoon, she was peppered with questions about her intentions for the future. It was as if her mother was feeling nervous about Gretta not having a wedding one day! That she would become a
maidal
, an old maid.

Supper had been no easier. Once again her parents hardly spoke to each other. As each bite was consumed, the tension seemed to increase tenfold. And while heavy silence wasn’t unusual, feeling as if she was the reason was new.

Earlier, Gretta had heard snippets of their arguing through their closed bedroom door. Her father had berated Mamm for meddling in Gretta’s life too much. In contrast, her mother had been mighty irritated by her father’s lack of interest in Gretta’s married life.

By suppertime, stony silence had reigned. By the time their four plates were clean, the air was thick and stifling and she and Margaret had been eager to go wash everyone’s dishes.

Later, when her father went out to the barn and her mother sought comfort in her quilting, Gretta took refuge in the peaceful comfort of her room. As she gazed at her quilt, pieced together in pretty shades of pink and violet and yellow, she felt her body finally relax.

As far as she was concerned, she would be happy to stay in her room for the night. Yes, indeed, she could do any number of things in the quiet privacy of her room. During her lunch, she’d gone to the bookstore and bought a new book. She also had a pair of socks she was knitting for the homeless shelter in the community.

And then, of course, there were the sayings she was embroidering on linen napkins for the farmers’ market. If she worked hard, she could certainly complete another one that evening. Those always brought in a good price.

Yes, there was much to do besides moon over Roland and Joshua. Or worry that one of them would bring her to a life like her parents’, where there was little laughter and not much else.

Not ten minutes later, a knock at their front door brought all thoughts of sitting quietly to a stop. Her mother’s burst of surprise to see their visitors, along with Margaret calling for Gretta to join them, brought her to her feet. Hopping up quickly, Gretta ventured out into the hall. Who could be paying them a call?

She came to an abrupt stop when she saw who it was. Joshua’s family?

There was Elsa and Judith Graber and little Maggie Graber, too. When they spied her, Mrs. Graber’s full cheeks lifted into a smile. “There you are, Gretta. I hope you don’t mind, but we decided to come for a visit.”

“She—I mean we—don’t mind at all,” her mother said before Gretta even had time to open her mouth. “I’ll go make a fresh pot of coffee and slice up some banana bread. Gretta take our guests into the sitting room.”

Feeling awkward, Gretta smiled Judith’s way as she led them into the room. Luckily her mother had just lit a fire so it was cozy and warm.

“How have you all been?” she asked.

Judith smiled. “We’ve been missing you. It’s been mighty strange not seeing you every now and then.”

Gretta felt her cheeks heat. Not only had she missed Joshua, she’d missed his wonderful, noisy family, too. “I feel the same way,” she replied, meaning every word. Unable to help herself, she murmured, “How is Joshua?”

Mrs. Graber frowned. “He says he is okay, but I don’t know if that is true. I’m concerned with some of his decisions of late, if you want to know the truth.”

Gretta didn’t know how to reply. Though she, too, had felt a bit worried about their future, she’d never dared to voice her thoughts. Not like he had.

Crawling off of the couch, little Maggie ran over to Gretta and held out her arms. “Hi, Gretta!”

Gretta gave the four-year-old a hug as she settled Maggie on her lap. “Hi. You look like you’ve gotten bigger.”

“Mamm says that, too.”

They chuckled as her mother came back in with a tray full of filled coffee cups and sliced bread. After serving them all, she took a seat next to Gretta. “So what are we going to do about our
kinner
? I keep telling Gretta to do more to try to get Joshua’s attention.”

Mrs. Graber blinked before replying. “I don’t think that is what he needs,” she said slowly with a sweet look Gretta’s way. “After all, Gretta is just fine how she is. It’s Joshua who’s been in a difficult place, I think.”

“He’s found a friend in Lilly Allen, that’s what’s happened,” Judith said bluntly.

“You need to keep them apart,” Gretta’s mother warned. “She’ll turn his head.”

Hearing the blame heaped on Joshua’s shoulders shamed her. “Joshua has not been the only one to want to look around some,” Gretta felt compelled to add. “After all, it is his right. Nothing has been decided.”

Mrs. Graber nodded. “Perhaps you’re right, dear. We’ve heard about Roland. Do you find that you fancy him?”

With her mother, Judith, and Mrs. Graber all looking at her, Gretta felt more embarrassed than ever. Even little Maggie was looking at her curiously. “I don’t know. I want a husband who suits me. Roland might…or he might not. Josh and me looking around is not a bad thing. We’ve known each other a long time. It might be
a mistake to step forward into marriage without considering life with other people. Marriage is forever, you know.”

Her gaze softening, Mrs. Graber nodded. “I wanted to let you know that Joshua has agreed to get baptized soon, praise the good Lord. I think that is a good sign, yes? Perhaps things will get straightened out soon.”

“Maybe they will.”

“If you stop thinking about Roland Schrock,” her mother stated.

Thankfully, Mrs. Graber didn’t acknowledge her mother’s rude behavior. “Gretta, we just wanted you to know that we still care for you. We still want you to come by to visit us. Even if things never work out between you and Joshua.”

“Please do, Gretta. I’ve missed you,” Judith chimed in with a smile.

“I’ve missed you, too. I’m so glad you all came by today.”

“Me too?” Maggie asked.

Reaching out to tickle one of Maggie’s ribs, Gretta grinned. “Especially you.”

Whether on purpose or happenstance, the two older women left the room to look at quilts, giving Judith and Gretta some time to visit more privately.

As soon as the other women were out of earshot, Judith leaned forward. “So, truly…are you serious about Roland?”

“I’m not sure.”

“He’s always seemed a bit dull to me.”

“He’s caring and tries hard.”

Judith wrinkled her nose. “I suppose.”

It was on the tip of Gretta’s tongue to reassure Judith that her heart was only Joshua’s. But she was afraid to hope…and afraid to pass up her chance for a marriage.

She couldn’t deny that she and Joshua had done nothing but argue for the last week or two of their relationship. She didn’t want a future like her parents, full of anger and recriminations and frosty mealtimes. Instead, she longed for a peaceful home. With Roland, Gretta thought there was a good chance she could have that.

But no matter what happened, she didn’t intend to sit and wait and simply hope that things would get better. She wanted to begin her life. To leave her parents’ house and all the painful memories that festered there. To start anew.