Winter’s Awakening (11 page)

And if that meant accepting a man who might be a little quiet and boring, then, well, so be it.

“I think Joshua might be for me, but I’m just not sure. Roland Schrock has many qualities, too,” she confided. It was hard to compare someone she’d been close to for years with someone she’d only spent a few moments with.

“Yes, but Joshua and you are meant to be together. I know it.”

Gretta wanted to believe that, but she wasn’t so sure. “My heart does care deeply for Joshua, but I’m not sure what my mind says about our life together.”

“I have a feeling your life with him will be how our house is now, Gretta,” Judith said softly, letting Gretta
know that she knew far more about Gretta’s circumstances than she’d ever let on. “You’ll have laughter and love. You might have disagreements, but you’ll have other things too. Passion and warmth and happiness.”

Stunned at Judith’s words, Gretta stared at her friend. Were those things important? Would she one day tire of steadiness and peace and yearn for laughter and arguments and…passion?

When Maggie hopped off the couch and ran toward the kitchen, Judith stood as well, to make sure the little girl didn’t run into trouble. “Don’t forget that quiet doesn’t always equal happiness, Gretta,” she said in parting. “Sometimes a quiet home is simply a place where no one has anything to say. And that would be a
verra
sad place to be, I would think.”

“I’ll remember,” Gretta murmured.

As far as Lilly’s family was concerned, she was turning a bad situation into a lifelong mistake. Ever since she’d tearfully told her parents she was pregnant, they’d wanted to take charge of her, to make everything better.

Since she was obviously not capable of doing anything right.

She didn’t agree.

As she stared at the cell phone in her hand, Lilly knew she was doing the right thing for herself, and for her baby. It was time to grow up and respect herself and her own beliefs.

After punching the seven digits in her phone, she pressed Send and waited. Then Ms. Vonn picked up much too soon. “Hi, Lilly,” she said as soon as the introductions were over with. “How can I help you?”

“I just wanted to let you know that I won’t be needing your services anymore.”

In the background, Lilly heard Ms. Vonn’s chair squeak as she got more comfortable. “Why won’t you?”

“Because…because I’m going to keep the baby. I’ve made my decision,” she said quickly, before she lost her nerve.

“Did you patch things up with…” Her voice drifted off as she shuffled papers. “Alec?”

“No. He’s not involved in this decision.”

“What about your parents?”

“This is my decision,” Lilly said firmly, not daring to share the fact that she hadn’t told them about her change of heart. “I’ve made up my mind. It’s final.”

“I see.” After a pause, Ms. Vonn said, “Well, thank you for calling, Lilly. I’ll go ahead and inform those couples that you won’t be choosing any of them.”

Ms. Vonn sounded so sad for the other people, Lilly almost gave in. Almost.

But then she remembered the little flutter she’d felt inside of her belly just that morning. And she thought of how sick she’d felt even thinking about never holding her baby.

Never being its mom.

She hardened her voice. “Well, I guess that’s all I wanted to say.”

“Don’t forget that you can always change your mind…it’s a big decision, no one will be upset if you do.”

But she’d be upset with herself. She knew it as well as she knew she still liked Disney movies and hated the freckles on her nose. “I won’t,” Lilly said before hanging
up. This was one thing she wasn’t going to change her mind about.

After hanging up and taking a deep breath, she pushed the number seven on her phone and waited for Alec Wagoner’s familiar ring tone to sound.

“Lilly?” he said as soon as he picked up.

“Yep.”

“Hey. What’s going on?”

In the privacy of her room, she rolled her eyes. He sounded so casual, like they’d just seen each other that morning. “Oh, the usual. I’m still living in Sugarcreek. Still finishing up high school online.”

“And…are you still, you know?”

He sounded so hopeful that she wasn’t that it was almost funny. “Pregnant? Yeah.”

“Oh. Well, is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Listen I just wanted to tell you that I’m going to keep the baby, but I don’t need you to be around. Okay?”

“You don’t want to put it up for adoption anymore?” Panic laced his words.

“No. I just can’t, Alec.”

“I’m going to college—”

“I want you to go,” she said in a rush, eager to say her peace and get off the phone. “Believe me, I know we’re done. I just wanted to, you know, tell you. I’ll have my dad’s lawyer write something up so you won’t have to do anything, okay?”

“Oh. Okay. Sure.”

Well, there was nothing left to say. “See you, Alec. Bye.”

For a moment, he paused. Lilly closed her eyes, waiting to hear something special from him. Something about how he really had cared about her. Or how everything that they’d been hadn’t been a total mistake.

Her breath caught. Waiting.

“Well…bye, Lilly,” he finally said.

She hung up, too. Then flopped down on her bed.

Her life with Alec was over.

To her surprise, the realization brought a rush of tears to her eyes. For so long, he had been just one of her brother’s friends who had been especially cute. Then, two years ago, she’d developed the biggest crush on him. Though Charlie had teased her, Alec had merely looked flattered.

And then he’d asked her to the winter dance. From then on, they’d been together all the time. Only after they’d had sex did things start getting confusing. She’d thought they were falling in love.

Alec, she later found out, had been ready to move on. Her pregnancy had propelled him forward even faster.

And now…he was part of her past. He wanted it that way.

Even though she was having his baby.

Josh figured the Lord had been with him and Lilly the other day when they’d met and gone walking together.
He’d needed someone to talk to. And talking to her had made him feel better in a way that nothing else had.

Which was a fair bit disturbing. He was close to his family members and knew he could count and depend on them for most anything. Never had he imagined feeling such ease with a woman. Never had he imagined he could be friends with a woman, and especially a woman so different from himself.

But Lilly Allen was his friend. Her ears had seemed to understand his problems and worries about Gretta. Perhaps because she didn’t know everyone very well, she’d been more free to offer insight than most people he’d known for his whole life. He was glad of her help, but truly confused about why the Lord had placed her to be his confidante.

The few days that had passed since their walk had been busy ones. He’d worked at the store two afternoons and then spent most of the past evening helping to chop more firewood.

And butchering two hens for some
Englischers
who visited the store often. His family didn’t usually provide fresh poultry for their customers, but his parents liked the Olsons very much and had offered the hens when Mrs. Olson had announced she was throwing a dinner party for her newly engaged son.

Joshua had a sneaky suspicion that his daed had sent him to do the butchering as a bit of punishment because of his relationship with Lilly.

And it might have been a punishment, indeed. Every
one in the family knew he got queasy killing chickens.

Now a full week had passed since his walk to the river and he was working at the store’s cash register. Caleb was standing nearby, being his usual difficult self.

“When are you going to ask Charlie for another ride in his truck?” he asked for what was surely the third time that day.

“I don’t know.”

“I hope it’s soon. You said yourself that you and Lilly are
gut
friends. Just go ask him.”

“But I have no need for a ride.”

“Well, I do. I need to go to town. I met some English teens the other day. They like to go to McDonalds.”

Joshua snorted. “You make everything the
Englischers
do sound special. It isn’t, you know.”

“You only say that because you get to do so much.”

“I’ve been killing chickens and working at the store,” Joshua reminded him with more than a touch of sarcasm. “I wouldn’t call it so much.”

“Don’t forget Lilly. You two went walking last week.”

“That was on accident. Our paths just happened to cross. And, you know what happened afterward. Mamm and Daed are still grumpy with me.”

“Maybe they’ll cross again soon?”

Oh, but Caleb’s voice was softly insinuating. “I don’t feel romantic toward her, I told you that.”

“But feelings could change. Do you think you’ll like her one day? One day like her more than Gretta?”

“No.” Joshua felt his skin flush as he realized just how quickly he’d come up with that response. He still did
have feelings for Gretta. Strong feelings. Feelings that seemed to be growing as they’d kept their distance.

What had been wrong with him lately?

“Me and Lilly are just friends,” he said again. “We’re too different to be anything more anyway.”

“Different in ways besides her being English?”

“Yes. Though that’s different enough.”

By his side, Caleb looked for a moment like he was going to dispute that. But he held his tongue.

Joshua was very glad about that. He was tired of everyone in his family weighing in on his love life. What he felt for Gretta was a private thing. As far as he was concerned, no one else needed to know about it.

He was just about to say that out loud when the front door opened and the bells at the handle rang through the store.

Caleb looked like he’d just struck gold. “Well, look who’s here.”

Joshua frowned as Gretta entered the store with her friend Miriam. Gretta’s cheeks bloomed as she nodded in his direction before hooking her girlfriend’s arm and scuttling down toward the dry goods.

As they faded from his view, Joshua felt somewhat taken aback. In the past, she’d approached him the moment she’d walked in. Always before, she’d stood anxiously near him, waiting for his attention, eager for his words.

There’d been many a time he hadn’t been too kind about her attention. He’d be busy and she’d want to talk. Or he’d be taking a breather and she’d act like he
needed more to do. But always he’d counted on her attention—even if he hadn’t been quite so eager to return the favor.

Now he was ashamed to realize that he’d begun to take her for granted. Now he felt bereft because he was only receiving the very slightest of nods.

“You’re in trouble now, brother,” Caleb whispered. “Gretta sure doesn’t want much to do with you today.”

“Perhaps she’s simply in a hurry.”

As they saw Gretta dart along a back aisle, steadfastly not looking their way, Caleb dared to grin. “
Bruder
, no one’s ever in that big of a hurry.”

Before he could weigh the pros and cons of it, Joshua found himself walking out from behind the counter going toward the women. “Stay here,” he ordered Caleb, just in case he got an idea to get in the way.

“I’ll be happy to,” Caleb answered as another pair of customers entered the store.

Feeling better now that Caleb was occupied, Joshua combed the aisles for Gretta, finally finding her with all the sugar and spices. “Gretta, are you finding everything all right?”

She barely looked up. “I am.”

That was all she was going to say? Wordlessly, he looked to Miriam. She stared right back at him with wide eyes. Too innocently, he thought.

Feeling a bit silly, he leaned against one of the wide wooden posts. She’d have to weave a wide path around him if she was determined to leave.

“So, how are things at the Sugarcreek Inn?”

“They are fine.”

“I’ve been meaning to stop by, I just haven’t had the chance…”

Finally looking directly at him, Gretta almost smiled. “Don’t worry, Joshua. You don’t need to visit me. I—I don’t hardly look for you anymore.”

“Oh. I see.” Her words were no more than what he deserved, but still, they felt painful and terribly sharp. Although…there had been a stammer in her voice. Maybe she wasn’t as unaffected by him as she acted?

Blue eyes searching, she murmured, “Do you, Joshua?” Before he could form a phrase to reply, she cleared her throat. “Anyway, Miriam and I only stopped in the store to get some rice for dinner. My mother asked me to stop on my way home to get it.”

“I’ll get the rice for you. You want a one-pound bag?”

“No, we’ll be needing five pounds. A group of us are going to make rice pudding this weekend.”

Not long ago, she used to invite him over for rice pudding. But now, once again, no invitation was issued. “Well, then I’ll go get you your five pounds of rice.”

“
Danke
.” Turning to Miriam, she said, “Did you want anything else?”

“No.”

“I’ll be needin’ nothing else from you.”

“I see.” Just as she was turning away from him, he blurted, “Gretta, are you walking home today?” He already knew Miriam lived only two blocks away.

“I am.”

“I bet I could drive you home in the buggy so you won’t have to carry the rice.”

She almost smiled. Almost. “It’s only five pounds, Joshua. I’m no fancy English girl,
jah
? I think I’ll be fine carrying my load.”

“Oh. Then I guess I’ll be seeing you at church, then.”

“Yes, you will.” After paying Caleb, she put the rice in a sturdy canvas bag she’d brought with her and fastened her cape at her neck a bit more securely.

When their eyes met one more time, she nodded. “
Gut
afternoon, Joshua. Good afternoon, and good day.”

Speechless, he nodded right back, struggling to keep his expression still and quiet. But inside, his emotions were in turmoil. Oh, but he was so confused about his feelings. Now that Gretta was acting so cool, his insides were aching for one of her smiles.

He hoped she’d treat him to one on Sunday.