What to Expect the Toddler Years (80 page)

“We worry that our son doesn’t play with trucks and cars. He seems to prefer make-believe games with dolls and stuffed animals, and little girls for friends.”

At this age, most boys will be boys and most girls will be girls. But it’s not unusual for there to be some crossing of traditional gender lines. In some cases, less-aggressive boys prefer to play with girls because the boys they
know play “rough.” Or they play with girls because they are the only available playmates. They then may favor dolls and stuffed animals because that’s what their playmates favor—though they may sometimes use these toys differently than their female peers (pretending a doll is a superhero rather than a newly born baby, for example). Some little boys cross gender lines in the course of emulating older female siblings, others just to satisfy their curiosity.

By the age of three, children begin to have a stronger sense of who they are and who they are going to be; most boys switch over to predominantly male friendships and traditional male toys and games. But even once they have made this switch, today’s preschool boys—unlike their predecessors in previous generations—may be content to play “house,” at least some of the time. Many of them, in imitation of their fathers, will rock and bathe a baby doll, croon a lullabye and give a bottle, or “cook” a honey stew for Winnie the Pooh. A small boy who displays such nurturing behavior should be encouraged and applauded for being a good daddy, rather than teased or criticized for trying to be a mommy.

Nor should little boys be pressured by their parents into becoming junior jocks. Though all children should be encouraged to be physically active, boys who prefer drawing or books or playing house over tossing a ball around shouldn’t be harassed or punished for their preferences. Real men do read, write, paint, and participate in the care of their children and their households. Real men become authors, doctors, researchers, businessmen, artists, and parents—not just professional athletes.

Many parents who see their little boy straddling gender lines immediately jump to the conclusion that he may be showing homosexual tendencies. But it is too early for such a conclusion. It’s not until around age three that gender-based behavior becomes more entrenched and even at that point, a child’s choice of play things is in no way a sure predictor of future sexual orientation. If, however, parents have questions about a three-year-old boy who plays only with dolls, shuns male playmates, and/or regularly wants to dress in girl’s clothing, a discussion with his doctor may be helpful.

“Our daughter likes to roughhouse with the boys while other little girls her age are pushing dolls around in carriages. She’s even said she wants to be a boy.”

Early childhood is a time for discoveries—scientific, social, and intellectual. But possibly the most important discoveries are those a toddler makes about herself. And for the most part, she makes them through experimentation.

While parents are likely to applaud a toddler’s experiments with scientific or intellectual theories (unless, of course, they involve large amounts of juice on the living room carpet), they’re often disturbed when she experiments with her sexual identity. Yet gender experimentation is just as normal, and sometimes, just as necessary.

Chances are that your daughter just wants to see how the other half lives, not that she wants to live like them forever. It’s possible that her curiosity might have been piqued by spending a lot of time with male playmates—she may well have noticed that boys are often allowed to do things that she isn’t (“Would Sam like to help me build this new bookcase?”). It’s also possible that her gender jealousy stems from being denied traditional “boy” toys that interest her (toy trains, for example, or a block set), or from being forced to wear frilly dresses when she’s more comfortable in sweatpants and overalls. It’s even possible that she said “I want to be a boy” for the shock value alone—toddlers
get a perverse kind of pleasure out of startling their parents—or because her rebellious side has seen that professing that preference raises your ire. Whatever the reason, your daughter’s attitude is certainly nothing to worry about.

Don’t fight—or even comment on—your daughter’s gender experimentation. Provide her with no less freedom than you would give a son. Let her play the way she wants (instead of stifling her with “Girls don’t do that”). Encourage her to fraternize with whom she wants (arrange play dates with boys as well as girls, if that’s her wish), and wear what she wants. At the same time, give her positive female footsteps to follow in, and she’s very likely to discover that she likes being a girl.

If, after she’s celebrated her third birthday (children settle into their sexual identities more solidly at around age three), your daughter still regularly expresses displeasure with being a girl, (as opposed to pleasure in being a tomboy), talk to her doctor about your concerns.

“My son wants to play with cars and trucks, and won’t touch the dolls I bought him—except to throw them around.”

You can lead the average two-year-old boy to a doll carriage, but you can’t make him play “dolls”—any more than you can lead a two-year-old girl to a toy garage and make her play “cars.” (And if the boy does deign to play with a doll, it might be to throw it up in the air to see how it lands; if the girl does play with cars, it might be to take a toy family for a ride.) That’s what more and more determined-to-be-enlightened parents, who buy dolls for their sons and cars for their daughters, are discover-ing—often much to their chagrin. Sexual stereotypes are, in some ways, more valid than we would like to think.

Just how much of what boys and girls are made of comes from nature, and how much from nurture? Certainly, traditional sexual stereotypes receive ample cultural prodding; studies have shown that parents and others tend to pay different kinds of attention to boys than girls from the start, handling newborn girls with a more tender touch than newborn boys, and responding to a baby girl’s cry faster than to a baby boy’s. Girls are cuddled and cooed to, while boys are roughhoused. Girls hear, “What a sweet little girl you are,” while boys hear, “What a big, strong boy you are.” Later on, girls’ activities are more restricted, while boys are given more freedom. Parents are quick to offer problem-solving help to little girls, while boys are encouraged to “figure it out yourself.” Conversations with little girls are punctuated with “emotion” words, while conversations with little boys tend to be oriented to “things,” rather than feelings.

But while certain societal expectations relate to sex roles, there are also certain biologically based leanings, which have led some experts to suggest that the tendency to nurture girls and boys differently actually stems (at least in part) from the the fact that girls and boys by nature
behave
differently. Differences in the brain and in hormones seem to manifest themselves in differences in temperament and behavior that are visible from birth. In general, newborn boys are more physically active and more vigorous, while newborn girls are quieter, and more responsive to faces and voices. Typically, boys are more aggressive, girls more social; boys respond more to objects, girls to people.

As with all stereotypes, of course, sexual stereotypes are based on generalizations. There are plenty of boys and plenty of girls who don’t fit neatly into these stereotypes, or even fit at all. Some girls are particularly skilled at traditional “boy” things (such as
mathematics and mechanics), and some boys are better at “girl” things (such as language and nurturing). But most children do fit comfortably into their respective traditional gender molds—no matter how careful their parents are to raise them in a nonsexist environment, with nonsexist books, nonsexist toys, and nonsexist attitudes.

That there is a difference—and some would say,
vive la différence
—in no way means that one sex is better than the other. On the contrary, society is beginning to acknowledge that men and women are equal but different. Nor does the powerful influence of nature mean that nurture has no influence at all.

Continue to offer your son a wide variety of toys, by all means, but don’t force or pressure him to play with toys that don’t interest him. The more you push, the more likely he is to push back. Give him the opportunity to play with children of both sexes, but don’t fret if he rejects girls. Encourage him to express his emotions as readily as you encourage him to scale the jungle gym. Then if possible provide him with another important ingredient in the recipe for a caring, sensitive, nonsexist male: an exemplary role model. A boy who daily observes that a man can do household chores, change diapers, take children to the playground, read stories, give baths, kiss boo-boos, and hug away hurts as well as he can hit a baseball, fix a bike, and bring home the bacon can’t help but grow up with positive feelings about both men and women and have an open mind about the roles each should play. If there is no such father figure in your family, look for a role model elsewhere—invite a willing male friend of the family or a relative to spend time with your son, passing on those positive feelings. Or find an exemplary role model for your child through a community group or your religious community; your child’s doctor may be able to help you locate the resource you need.

“My husband says that we have to be very tough with our little boy because he doesn’t want him to turn out to be a sissy or a crybaby. But I think my son is too young for us to try and make a ‘man’ out of him.”

Despite the fact that the expression of feelings in males has been squelched for many generations in many cultures, men and boys
do
have feelings, and they should not be discouraged from expressing them. In fact, learning in childhood how to express how one feels is important for normal growth and development. The child, male or female, who can say, “I’m sad,” “I’m hurt,” “I’m disappointed,” or “I’m afraid,” is more likely to grow into an emotionally healthy adult than the one who covers up feelings.

Experts unequivocally agree that it’s not necessary to discourage a boy’s sensitivity or to encourage a tough-as-nails, boys-don’t-cry mentality to produce a young man who’s secure in his male sexual identity. That our culture is beginning to value more nuturing, gentler character traits in men is evidenced by the fact that the hard-hearted, thick-skinned, love-’em-and-leave-’em screen idols of previous generations are being nudged from favor by more sensitive and empathic love-’em-and-stay-with-’em leading men who experience fear and pain—and even cry.

Though there are believed to be some important innate biological differences when it comes to male and female temperament and response (see page 369), it is likely that the ability (or
inability) to express emotion stems at least in part from cultural conditioning that begins in the cradle. Studies show that girl babies generally receive much more verbal attention and comforting than do boy babies, an inequitable pattern that continues through childhood. For example, girls are held and soothed when they tumble from a tricycle and boys are checked for wounds, brushed off, and instructed to get back on.

Comforting a child who’s hurt or upset and encouraging him to talk about his feelings, both good and bad, will in no way diminish his capacity to grow into a strong and assertive adult. Such an approach can, in fact, build inner strength. Nor does it produce a crybaby. Rather, it produces a sensitive, caring individual, one who’s capable not only of receiving tender, loving care, but of giving it to others. In sum, a real man—in the fullest sense of the word. (Beware, however, of coddling or overprotecting a child of either sex; see page 206.)

“Our daughter seems to be very bright. We don’t want to limit her by being unconsciously sexist in the way we raise her. How can we be sure we don’t make that mistake?”

You’ve already taken the first and most important step in raising a daughter whose potential isn’t limited by traditional sexist boundaries—and that is acknowledging that it’s something you want to do. The second step is to encourage your daughter—as parents should any child, male or female—in a wide range of areas, intellectual and physical. When she’s faced with a problem (how to get the book she dropped behind the sofa or which way to turn that triangle so that it’ll fit in the shape-sorter), challenge her to figure out the answer for herself instead of rushing to supply it for her. Broaden her horizons by providing her with stimulating toys and activities—puzzles, simple word and number games, basic science experiments, books that talk about how and why. And don’t put special restrictions on her because of her sex (“You can’t play in the mud—you’ll get your pants all dirty!” or “That hill is too steep for you to climb”). A little girl who is discouraged from touching that “yucky” worm today may be reluctant to participate in “yucky” biology class projects tomorrow; a little girl who’s discouraged from playing ball with the boys today may always shy away from sports.

But while you remember to praise her artwork, her fine performance on the jungle gym, and how well she completed a puzzle, don’t forget to compliment her on how nicely she dressed herself or how pretty her hair looks. Be supportive of any interests your daughter may have in what are considered more traditionally feminine areas: dolls, doll houses, tea parties, babies, clothes. There’s no evidence that girls who play with dolls are less likely to end up in the boardroom than those who play with cars. And belittling “feminine” interests while cheering those in the male sphere will tell your daughter that there is something inherently better about maleness than female-ness—which, of course, there isn’t. It will also make her feel guilty about, or try to stifle, her feminine impulses. Or, if she is more rebellious than compliant, she may just decide to become the most feminine female around.