Read What to Expect the Toddler Years Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
What to Expect the Toddler Years (79 page)
ENIS WORRIES
“Ever since our son saw his new baby sister naked and saw that she didn’t have a penis, he’s been expressing the fear that he’s going to lose his.”
This is an extremely common concern, especially in boys with baby sisters. Such a fear can be quickly allayed with a simple but reassuring biology lesson: Explain to your son that all boys are born with penises, which they never lose, and that girls are born with vaginas, which they never lose. A very simple children’s book about the human body, showing the fundamental genital differences between little girls and little boys and between women and men, will help illustrate these facts for your toddler and put his mind at ease.
ENIS ENVY AND CURIOSITY
“I took a bath with our son last night, and he got upset because his penis is much smaller than mine. We didn’t know what to tell him.”
Tell him the truth—that his penis is little because he’s a little boy. Show him that his hands, feet, legs, arms, nose, and mouth are smaller, too, for the very same reason. Show him in the mirror the difference in size between your nose and his, your teeth and his. Compare your foot sizes, fingernail sizes, and hand sizes.
Explain that as he grows, all these parts of him will also grow, and that when he’s a fully grown man they will be just about the same size as yours. A simple picture book that illustrates the
physical differences between little boys and grown men as well as photographs of you when you were a little boy will also help him understand the growth process.
TEACHING TIME
To a toddler, there’s no time like the present. In fact, there’s no time
but
the present.
Yesterday, this morning, tomorrow, tonight, in a second, later on
are all relatively meaningless terms. Minutes are no different from hours, and hours no different from days. You can’t expect a toddler to rush when you say “hurry” or be patient when you say “wait.” A child this age simply doesn’t have the understanding or the capability—yet.
Midway through the second year, most toddlers are focusing on “now.” Past and future are still beyond their comprehension. “Now” is when they want lunch, want Mommy to come home, want to go out, want to get to Grandma’s house. But as the second birthday approaches, there’s a big jump in time savvy, and toddlers begin to understand when you say “soon” or “later.” By age three, there’s further progress, as such concepts as “today,” “yesterday,” and “tomorrow” become separate (though fuzzy) entities. Many toddlers use “last night” to refer to anything that happened in the past; some will also glibly talk about “tomorrow,” but a true comprehension of tomorrow doesn’t usually come for another year or two. And since it isn’t until about age six that the concept of time as a continuous line really becomes clear, it won’t be until the early school years that a clock will hold any significance for your toddler. In the meantime, you can help the learning process along with these timely tips:
Be a two- (or three-) timer.
When talking time with your toddler use more than one way to describe the same time whenever possible: “We’ll go to the playground in the afternoon, right after your nap.” Or, “Jessica is coming over to play this morning, after breakfast.” With the older toddler, you can begin to add the hour: “We’ll go to the playground this afternoon at 1 o’clock, right after lunch.”
Work on order.
Present your toddler with your planned schedule of activities in order:
“First
we’ll go to the store,
then
we’ll go to the library, and
last
we will have lunch.” Or, “
First
we’ll have a bath,
then
we’ll have some cookies and milk, and
last
we’ll have a story.” You can also begin introducing the concepts of “before” and “after” (“We’ll have a snack
before
we go to the park,” “Sara and her mother will come over
after
breakfast”) and “soon” and “later” (“
Soon,
it will be time to clean up the blocks in your room,” or “
Later
, we’ll make a cake”). But don’t expect your toddler to comprehend the nuances of these words just yet.
Use visual aids.
Concrete examples will help to put the passing of time in perspective for your toddler. Show your toddler pictures of him or herself before (“
Before
, you were this little”) and now (“
Now
, you’re this big”). When you’ve read a story, go back and outline it in chronological order (“
First
, the little boy went swimming;
then
, he played at the park;
later
, he went home and ate ice cream”). When your toddler is going to have to wait for something, try setting a timer to illustrate the passing of time (“I’m going to set the timer for five minutes; when the timer rings, I’ll be ready to paint with you”).
Take the daze out of days.
The days of the week will be less of a blur to your toddler if he or she associates each with a particular activity: “On Monday, we have play group. On Tuesday, we go to the library. On Sunday, we go to Grandma’s.” A large weekly calendar with pasted-on pictures or other visual reminders of regular activities may also help get the idea across. Make a point to discuss the tangible events of yesterday (“Yesterday, we went out to lunch”), today (“Today we had a good time at the museum”), and tomorrow (“Tomorrow, we’ll go over to Brandon’s house”). If your toddler is anxiously awaiting a favorite aunt’s arrival two days hence, make the arrival day tangible: “Aunt Anne will come for her visit after two long nights’ sleep.”
“The last time my daughter went to her play group, she watched one of the little boys have his diaper changed. She seemed disturbed when she saw his penis—and now she’s upset that she doesn’t have one, too.”
To a toddler, possession is ten-tenths of the law—and just about anything that she doesn’t possess, she covets. This goes for toys, cookies, space in the sandbox, and body parts. So when a little girl first realizes that there are “haves” and “have-nots” in this last category, it’s not unusual for her to be disturbed by the inequity.
A detailed account of “the birds and the bees” isn’t called for yet—and won’t be until it’s asked for (but as soon as the question comes, be ready to answer; see page 420). What is called for is some reassurance and a couple of key facts. Explain that boys (and men, like Daddy) have penises, and that girls (and women, like Mommy) have vaginas. Boys and girls are different—and that’s the way they’re supposed to be.
A simple illustrated book written for her age level will help reinforce the information you give her.
ISSING ON THE LIPS
“Is it okay for us to continue kissing our daughter on the lips once in a while? My mother-in-law worries it isn’t ‘healthy.’”
Affection that feels just right to one parent may feel all wrong to another. Personality, social conditioning, upbringing, and other assorted baggage picked up along the way to parenthood combine to determine how parents respond to this issue.
If kissing your daughter lightly on the lips (assuming neither of you has anything contagious) feels right to all of you, it is—particularly when your child is this young. Heavy smooching, of course, is inappropriate. And if you feel uncomfortable about even a light buss on the lips, plant your kisses on your toddler’s cheek or forehead instead.
HOWING AFFECTION
“Our oldest child is very cuddly, and has always enjoyed being hugged. But our younger child is clearly doing us a favor when he lets us hug him.”
Just another bit of evidence that, even within the same family, no two children are alike. Some children are gregarious and some are shy. Some cry at every little affront; others, hardly ever. Some are cuddly and some are not. Such differences are normal and it’s important that adults respect them. So if your toddler (or child of any age) stiffens, cringes, or otherwise shows that he doesn’t appreciate these displays of affection, respect his wishes. Some children don’t mind hugging at home but object to public displays. This preference, too, should be respected.
If, however, your toddler never wants to be hugged or held, seems distant and untouchable both physically and emotionally, discuss this with his doctor.
YOU’RE NOT ALONE
You’re the
only
parent who ever had a toddler collapse, kicking and screaming, in the middle of a busy sidewalk. You’re the
only
parent whose toddler ever refused to wear shoes or a coat on a snowy January day. You’re the
only
parent whose toddler yanked down an entire candy display at the supermarket.
Or at least it feels that way. But the fact is, toddlers are almost universally difficult at least some of the time. Look beyond your own “terrible two-er,” and you’ll realize you’re not alone in your toddler trials and tribulations. All parents of one- and two-year-olds have their share. It’s just that you’re more likely to be upset by unpleasant behavior in your own child and more likely to dismiss it in someone else’s. (After all, when that other child lies kicking and screaming in the middle of the sidewalk, it’s no reflection on you.)
If the hundreds of questions in this book, shared by so many parents, aren’t enough to persuade you that you aren’t alone, you might try joining (or organizing) a support group for parents of toddlers. Meeting with others, watching their toddlers have tantrums or refuse to get their coats on, will be very reassuring. It will also give you a chance to swap not only problems, but solutions.
Recognizing that you aren’t alone won’t make life with a toddler a breeze, but it can help you weather the storms. Reminding yourself that other people’s children have irrational moments, too, is the best way to keep your perspective and your cool when you’re dealing with
your
child’s moments. It may also keep you from feeling persecuted, punished, or guilty, and asking: “Why me?” or “Where did I go wrong?”
“My wife and I are both unsure just what the limits are in showing affection to our little girl. You hear so much about sexual abuse that you begin to worry that a hug or a pat on the bottom may be out of line.”
Touch is a very important part of a relationship, particularly the parent–child relationship. Even among nonhuman primates, the young do not develop normally without regular physical contact with their mother.
But, there are limits. Touching that makes a child uncomfortable—whether it’s a particular type of hug or of a particular intensity—should always be avoided. And, of course, touching that stimulates you or your child sexually is unhealthy. If you find yourself wanting to touch your child in this way, get professional help immediately. Otherwise relax—and hug and pat away.
IFFICULTY LOVING A TODDLER
“I know I love my toddler. But he seems so disagreeable and unpleasant so much of the time, that sometimes I feel like I can’t stand him another minute.”
There is no period of a child’s development (besides adolescence) that can try a parent’s patience and affection like the toddler years. (But on the bright side: at least he doesn’t have a car, acne, or a girlfriend yet.) Contrariness, uncooperativeness, rebelliousness, irrationality—they’re all out in full force, testing your resolve to stay calm and controlled, threatening to dissolve your determination to act your age, undermining your ability to keep your perspective. And—worst of all—causing you occasionally
to question your love for a child you thought you’d always love without question.
Try to remember that you’re not the only parent who struggles with mixed feelings. Some toddlers are easier than others, of course, and some seem a lot tougher. But few parents of young children don’t find, at least once in a while, that their offspring are hard to take, and sometimes even hard to love. So don’t feel guilty, and don’t despair. You will survive these tumultuous times, and you may even look back on them one day with fondness—or at least a chuckle. And just think: you’ll have a good decade or so before that adolescent struggle between dependence and independence starts firing up.
In the meantime, try to give more attention to your toddler’s good moments (few as they may be) and ignore (as much as possible) his bad ones. If he gets more notice for being good, he may come to conclude it’s the better way to go. When he’s driving you to distraction, be sure to focus your anger on his behavior rather than on him. This will help both of you cope with your feelings better. Setting and enforcing limits and using the other disciplining techniques beginning on page 127 will also help reduce unwanted behavior, and make your life easier. As time passes, your child will eventually “grow out” of his toddler behavior.
And don’t forget that popular bumper-sticker slogan: “Have you hugged your child today?” Daily hug therapy—squeeze as many squeezes (and cuddles, and snuggles, and nuzzles, and back rubs) into your toddler’s day as possible. Hug when the impulse strikes, but also when it doesn’t. When you’re feeling particularly hostile and your child’s behavior seems particularly unlovable, reach out and touch him.
A rub on the neck, a stroke on the cheek, a sudden and unexpected embrace can often miraculously dissipate anger and bad feelings, heading off a tantrum or turning an afternoon gone awry onto a happier new course. It may not always work, but it’s
always
worth a try.
Of course, since some children don’t like to be held as much as others, tailor your touch therapy to your child. If he squirms out of your hugs, maybe a “high-five” or some verbal “stroking” would be more appealing. Find something to show him—and remind your-self—that you do love him.
While feeling angry towards your toddler sometimes is normal, always feeling angry, or feeling as though you’re on the brink of acting on your anger, isn’t. Talk to your toddler’s doctor if you sometimes feel angry enough to strike your child or if you feel detached from him. If at any time you feel as though you are about to strike him or even abuse him verbally, see the tips for cooling off on page 754. If you feel you’re in danger of losing control and hurting your child, call a parent hotline (keep the number posted near your phone) or ask a neighbor or care-giver to come and stay with your child while you regain control.