What to Expect the Toddler Years (83 page)

To play your Jiminy Cricket role to the fullest, use the following script:

Explain that actions have consequences.
While it’s important to tell your toddler that it’s wrong to throw sand, it’s also important to add the reason
why
it’s wrong (“When you throw sand, it can get into someone’s eyes, and that hurts a lot. See, Danny’s eyes are all red, and he’s crying.”). And while it’s important to tell your toddler that it’s right to wait your turn instead of pushing your way to the front of the line at the slide, it’s also important to add
why
it’s right (“When you wait your turn, everybody gets to go on the slide, everybody has a good time, and there’s no pushing or fighting to get on first”). Developing empathy is key to developing a conscience.

Don’t lecture or preach.
A simple explanation is all that’s required. Go on and on and your toddler will surely tune you out. And remember: You’re there to guide, not to judge.

Ask the right questions.
Involve your toddler from the start in his or her own moral education, and stimulate thinking about the consequences of actions: After your child swats a playmate, ask “How do you think Sarah felt when you hit her?” When you’ve read a book that has a moral to it, explain it in words your toddler can understand, and then ask for his or her opinion on it. Ask for your toddler’s two cents, too, when a character in a story or on television has done something obviously right or obviously wrong.

Fault behavior, not people.
Don’t shame your toddler or make him or her feel bad or inadequate for doing something wrong or failing to do something right; criticize the behavior, not the child (see page 295). Guide your toddler to do the same in evaluating the behavior of others. Instead of, “Cookie Monster is not nice for eating all the cookies and not sharing,” try, “Eating all the cookies the way Cookie Monster did, and not sharing, isn’t nice.”

Set a conscientious example.
As always, an ounce of example vastly outweighs a pound of instruction. Let
your
conscience be
your
guide—and for the time being, your toddler’s—and eventually your child will develop a conscience all his or her own.

By the end of this month,
*
your toddler
. . . should be able to (see Note):

use 6 words (by 21½ months)

walk up steps (by 21½ months)

Note:
If your toddler has not reached these milestones or doesn’t use symbolic play and words, consult the doctor or nurse-practitioner. This rate of development may well be normal for your child (some children are late bloomers), but it needs to be evaluated. Also check with the doctor if your toddler seems out-of-control or hyperactive; uncommunicative, passive, or withdrawn; highly negative, demanding, and stubborn. (Remember, the child who was born prematurely often lags behind others of the same chronological age. This developmental gap has probably narrowed by now and is likely to disappear entirely around age two.)

. . . will probably be able to:

build a tower of 4 cubes

follow a 2-step command without gestures (by 21½ months)

. . . may possibly be able to:

build a tower of 6 cubes

identify 4 pictures by pointing

wash and dry hands

. . . may even be able to:

jump up (by 21½ months)

“Our son doesn’t seem to get the idea of ‘taking turns.’ He won’t wait his turn at the playground or at play group. And he always pushes his way in and insists on being first.”

That’s because in the world according to toddlers, he
should
come first. He is the star, the director, the stage manager of the drama of life—everyone else is just a bit player. Prima donna that he is, he expects and demands certain rights and privileges—including first (or even exclusive) use of the slide, the swings, the rocking horse, the shape-sorter, and the water fountain.

Such self-centered behavior doesn’t mean that your child is destined to become a selfish, inconsiderate bully, but that he has a lot of growing up to do (and you have a lot of guidance to give) before he regularly displays appropriate respect for the rights of others. He will probably learn to take turns sooner if he is in a day-care or nursery school situation, or meets frequently with a play group. You can also help him reach that goal sooner by trying the following tips:

Take turns together.
Because he’s less likely to feel competitive with you than with his peers, your toddler may be more willing to practice turn-taking at home. When you’re eating lunch, take turns taking bites of your sandwiches. When he’s in the tub, take turns splashing each other. When you’re reading him a book, take turns turning the pages.

Take turns being first.
When taking turns with your toddler, don’t always let him go first. Instead, try to alternate: “This morning you put the first block on top; now it’s my turn to be first.”

Take turns tactfully.
Practicing turn taking should be fun, not an ordeal.
Only attempt it when your toddler’s in a sporting mood—not when he’s tired, hungry, or otherwise cranky. If and when the practice seems to be provoking tension, stop.