What to Expect the Toddler Years (86 page)

Try not to overreact when something gets broken or otherwise damaged. Accidents can happen to anyone, and they happen more often to toddlers.

Teaching appreciation.
Children understand why a Big Bird puppet or a stuffed Dumbo are special, but they have little understanding of why a bowl with funny markings on it or a doll-size porcelain cup or a crystal vase are special. As your toddler’s comprehension grows, begin explaining why the items in your collection are special to you. Perhaps, for example, “These bowls and jugs were made very long ago. No one makes them anymore, so they are very special to me.” Or, “Those cups come from very far away and my grandma brought them here. I want to keep them safe so that one day, when you have your own house, I can give them to you.” Taking your toddler on brief trips to museums where he can see similar items will also enhance his appreciation. If you collect older pieces, explain what the word “antique” means, and point out examples to him when you see them.

“My daughter seems fascinated by anything mechanical or electrical. She’s always trying to investigate machines and wires—and that makes me worry for her safety.”

You seem to have a budding engineer on your hands. And, as a prudent parent, there are two concerns you have to deal with immediately: saving for her tuition at M.I.T. and protecting her from her own curiosity.

A toddler’s curiosity typically exceeds her good sense; your job is to keep your child’s lack of judgment from jeopardizing her safety. Certainly, the easiest way is to forbid any and all exploration of machines and gadgets. But while that would keep your child’s body safe from harm it would probably stifle her scientific curiosity. In fact, taking steps to prevent injury doesn’t require that you automatically discourage all investigation.

Instead, make the safety rules (beginning on page 617) a routine part of your life. Be sure your toddler knows which tantalizing objects are totally off-limits (electrical outlets, the kitchen range and oven, the microwave) and which can be used with adult supervision. Then nurture your child’s interests while protecting life and limb by giving her plenty of safe and supervised opportunities to satisfy her natural curiosity. Let her turn on the radio or TV for you, push the buttons that control the DVD player, tap computer keys or manipulate its mouse to make letters, numbers, or pictures appear on the screen. Buy or borrow toys that she can take apart, put together, and make work on her own (but be sure they’re age-appropriate or frustration may surpass fascination). Present her with projects (construction sets and toddler computer games, for instance) she can collaborate on with a parent or caregiver. Enroll her in a “discovery” type class for toddlers, if one is available in your area. Take her, whenever you can, to a children’s museum that has hands-on science exhibits and let her press, pull, and push to her heart’s content. Provide her with books that explore the scientific world and any other topics that interest her.

“The other night, we were making love in our bedroom when our daughter wandered in from her room. We didn’t notice her for a few moments, so she must have seen what we were doing. Could this be damaging to her?”

Probably not. She can’t possibly know what you were doing and may even have been too sleepy for anything to register. If she seemed shaken by the experience, it was most likely because she was afraid you were hurting one another. To a child, who has no idea what’s going on, sexual positions can look aggressive and lovemaking sounds can sound like reactions to pain rather than pleasure. If she raises the question of violence, reassure her that you weren’t hurting each other but just hugging and kissing and loving each other in the special way that parents do. Don’t go into any complicated explanations until she specifically asks for them, which won’t be for some time to come (see page 420). If you shouted at her or chased her away when you noticed she was there, apologize. Explain that she surprised you and scared you a little bit.

Because catching you in the act at some future point could upset your child and certainly won’t do much for your love life, it would be a good idea to lock your door during lovemaking. (If your door doesn’t have a lock, consider installing one, or simply put up a hook and eye out of reach of little hands.)

If some day, in the heat of passion, you forget to turn the lock, and your toddler does walk in on you again, keep your cool. Say that you need a little privacy and ask her to wait outside for a minute. Quickly slip into something, and then calmly return her to her bed without making her feel anxious, ashamed, or guilty. She didn’t do anything wrong—and neither did you.

Most children quickly forget such incidents, especially if little is made of them. But if your child wants to talk about it later, let her. Answer any questions she asks at an age-appropriate level.

“Ever since she got out of diapers, my daughter has her hands in her pants whenever she gets the chance. I know that’s supposed to be normal, but it bothers me—especially when she does it in public places.”

Up until now, your daughter’s private parts have been largely out of her reach—under wraps, so to speak. With the switch to training pants, they have become much more accessible. The potty-learning process has also made them a focus of attention, heightening her awareness of her body.

For the toddler, explorations of all kinds are normal. Her exploration of her genitals is no less innocent than her exploration of her fingers and toes, her belly button and her ears. While curiosity generally prompts the initial rounds of genital exploration, the toddler usually notes that touching her genitals feels good, and it is that discovery that brings her hands back there again and again. This may look like masturbation, but in toddlers it isn’t (not even in little boys, who experience erections when they handle their penis). The feeling may be pleasurable but it is not sexual.

Keeping after your child to keep her hands out of her pants will only make the activity appear more enticing. It will also
give her the idea that the good feelings she’s discovered are wicked or forbidden, instead of normal and healthy. The best approach? At home, ignore the behavior.

If her hand begins meandering into her pants at play group or on a play date and this makes you uncomfortable, try to tempt her into another hands-on activity, such as shape-sorting or building with blocks. If her hand remains steadfastly at its station, give up and look the other way.

Touching in more public settings, however, should be discouraged. Not because there’s anything wrong with the behavior but because it’s considered inappropriate in public—and because it could trigger dangerous impulses in a pedophile viewing it. So begin early to explain to your toddler the difference between “private” and “public,” and that some things that are fine to do in private are not okay in public. If she forgets your admonitions, and slips her hand into her pants when you’re on an outing, quietly remind her. Take hold of her hand, give it a squeeze, distract her, and praise her for being “big enough” to save her touching for home.

Some children hold their genitals when they have to urinate, as if they think this will help them to “hold it in.” If your toddler’s genital handling seems related to potty accidents, routinely ask her if she has to go to the potty when you see her hand wander.

Occasionally, a child will spend most of her waking hours fingering her genitals. Like any other comfort habit that interferes with day-to-day functioning, this behavior could be rooted in fears or anxieties. But just as often they are related to other kinds of stress (a new baby-sitter, moving to a new home, a parent going off to work, and so on). Only rarely, it may be related to sexual abuse. If your child seems obsessed with her genitals, consult with her doctor.

A tubby tummy is a toddler trademark—not necessarily a sign that your child has been downing too many cookies.

“Our little girl is slim but she has a pot belly. I keep wanting to tell her to pull her tummy in and stand up straight, but I don’t think she’d understand. What can I do?”

Nothing. At this age, near the end of the second year, the majority of toddlers still have tubby tummies. But by age three or four, when the abdominal
muscles gain maturity and strength, most of them sport a slimmer profile—unless they start overdoing the cookies. In the meantime, your toddler doesn’t need any tummy tightening exercises or advice on posture, just plenty of opportunities for physical activity.

Keep in mind, too, that while encouraging good posture later on is fine, putting too much emphasis on a slim appearance—or on appearance at all, for that matter—is never a good idea. Set ting an elusive goal of physical perfection can threaten a child’s self-image, particularly as her body grows and changes, and possibly even lead to eating problems later.

If your toddler’s tummy looks much more bulbous than the tummies of most of her playmates, check with her doctor. Very rarely a particularly bulbous tummy could be a sign of a problem.

“Our toddler behaves beautifully all day with his baby-sitter. But as soon as we get home from work, he starts with the temper tantrums. Why us?”

Because he loves you. Although throwing a tantrum may seem a pretty backhanded compliment, you should actually feel flattered by these outbursts. They suggest that your toddler feels secure enough with you to lose control without worrying that you’ll walk out on him. And after a full day of behaving for the baby-sitter (with whom he understandably feels less secure), a fit or two of temper is his way of letting off steam.

A toddler also tends to save up his worst terrible-two’s behavior for his parents because his struggle for independence is with them—and not with the baby-sitter, teacher, or day-care provider. It’s from those he feels closest to and most dependent on that he feels the need to separate. It’s with parents that he has to stake out his territory, take a stand, and assert autonomy.

After-work tantrums can also be a toddler’s way of getting parental attention the fastest way he knows how (remember, even negative attention is better than no attention). Nothing prompts a parent to drop everything and focus on a toddler like a tantrum. Sometimes a return-from-work tantrum is a toddler’s way of showing his pique at his parents for leaving him every day; he may do this even if he’s having a really great time with his substitute caregiver.

Keep in mind, too, that tantrums are most likely to occur during times of fatigue, hunger, stress (yours and your toddler’s), and these are in plentiful supply during the after-work period (the sitter, on the other hand, arrives fresh and rested each morning). See page 271 for tips on making this time more peaceful. For tips on handling tantrums, see page 339.

“Everything’s a ritual to my toddler: He always has to have his orange juice in the same cup, he always has to have his sandwich cut up precisely the same way, he always has to wear the same beat-up blue sneakers.”

Though this kind of behavior in an adult might be labeled obsessive or compulsive, in a toddler it’s normal.
While not every toddler craves ritual—and that’s normal, too—many demand absolute predictability in their food, drink, clothing, and daily routines. Even the slightest deviation from the predictable can set off tirades.

Like negativity and temper tantrums, ritualistic behavior is a toddler’s way of trying to gain some measure of control over his life, which—when you’re less than two years old, less than 3 feet high, and hopelessly dependent on those much bigger and much more powerful than you—is not easy to do. Being able to control some of the little things in life (which cup he drinks from, how his sandwich is sliced, which sneakers he wears) means a lot to a toddler and his self-esteem.