What to Expect the Toddler Years (75 page)

“Our daughter can’t stay clean for two minutes—no sooner do I change her clothes and wash her up, then she’s filthy again. What should I do?”

Give up. Being a toddler is a dirty job (getting dirty is part of the job description) and your toddler’s got to do it. Expecting her to stay clean is like expecting her to stay still; neither is compatible with being a toddler, both would stifle her growth by inhibiting her ability to explore and experiment. And scolding will only fire up a contrary desire to get down and dirty.

So loosen up. Concentrate only on necessary hygiene: hand washing before eating, after toileting, or when she’s gotten her hands onto something really raunchy (plain dirt doesn’t count); a nightly bath; and the avoidance of such germ breeding-grounds as bird baths, street puddles, and animal droppings. And be sure that her play clothes and shoes are washable and sturdy enough to tolerate rough usage. See page 154 for tips on hand washing.

“Our son refuses to use the slide or swings at the playground. He seems to be frightened and sticks close to the sandbox.”

Your child’s caution could be a result of foresight: A sign that he’s beginning to recognize the potentially dangerous consequences of letting go
and skidding down that slippery slide or flying skyward in a swing. Or it could be hindsight: Perhaps he remembers taking a fall off the slide or the swings during a past playground visit, and hasn’t yet regained his confidence. Or a combination of empathy and egocentricity: It’s possible that he’s seen another child take a bad tumble off the equipment and fears that he may be next. Or perhaps it’s simply his nature: Some children are innately more cautious than others.

Whatever the reason, respect your toddler’s fears; don’t belittle them—or him. Each time you go to the playground, casually offer him the opportunity to try the equipment. Having you go along for the ride (you can hold him securely while you zip down the slide together, or let him cling to you while you swing slowly on the big children’s swing) may make the equipment less frightening. If he turns down your offer or wants to call it quits after one trip down the slide or a couple of swings on the swing, don’t pressure him to reconsider. Reassure him that the swings and the slides will be there when he’s ready to play on them and that in the meantime the sandbox is a perfectly fine alternative. And applaud his sand castles and roadbeds rather than deriding his lack of interest in the rest of the playground.

But while you shouldn’t force your toddler to face his fears, a little gentle manipulation may help him to overcome them. The equipment at the playground may be intimidating, but small indoor versions may not be. Borrow such equipment, or let your toddler try it out at a friend’s house, at a play gym, or the waiting room at his doctor’s office. Again, don’t push, but do encourage. Look for books that feature children with similar fears or ones with children playing on slides and swings, jungle gyms and teeter-totters, and read them to your child, but without disparaging comments or comparisons to his own behavior. (For a discussion of the most common toddler fears, see the facing page.)

Be sure you aren’t fostering his fears yourself by being hypervigilant and overprotective when he dares to be adventurous. Or by overreacting to his falls. Or by carrying him down a flight of stairs instead of showing him how to climb down by himself. Instead, build your toddler’s confidence by arming him with the skills for safely negotiating playground equipment. With you as back-up, encourage (but don’t compel) him to practice climbing up and down the ladder to the slide; if its height is too forbidding, launch him on a kitchen stepladder. If he’s willing, sit him in the swing and show him how he can make it move a little by himself—by bending his knees; sometimes control can instill courage. Promise you won’t push him unless he wants you to, and then keep your word. Let him explore the lowest levels of the jungle gym, again with you at his side. Show him how to grasp the bars and how to move his hands from bar to bar. Help him get the “hang” of horizontal movement before you suggest that he attempt vertical. But, again, let him progress at his own comfortable pace; if he’s reluctant to progress at all, accept that.

Even the least adventurous children, with parental patience and support, eventually learn to use basic playground equipment. There will always be some children, however, for whom swings and slides (and later, roller-coaster rides and other daring activities) will never sit that well.

For now, sit back on the park bench, relax, and count the blessings of being a parent to a cautious child. For one, you don’t have to sit nervously at the edge of that bench, the way you would overseeing a little dare-devil. (For playground safety rules, see page 646.)

“Whenever I scold my son, he seems to fall apart. How do I get my point across without hurting his self-esteem?”

Gently. Every child, like every adult, is an individual—with a temperament all his own. And it’s that temperament that determines what kind of disciplinary style will work best. In the case of a tough, aggressive child, an extra-firm approach might be called for (you might even want to make your voice sound more stern than you feel). In the case of a happy-go-lucky child, a balance of humor and firmness is usually successful. And in the case of a particularly sensitive child, a particularly easy-going approach may be the best way to go.

That doesn’t mean, of course, that the sensitive child shouldn’t be disciplined or required to observe rules, but simply that the person meting out the discipline should speak softly and carry a soft stick. When dealing with a sensitive toddler, use all the guidelines for discipline beginning on page 119, but particularly emphasize the following:

Be sure that rules are consistent and that he knows what they are; this will minimize the need for scolding.

Avoid raising your voice or using a harsh tone when disciplining. Instead, use humor, distraction, or another indirect approach (see page 156), whenever possible. And don’t forget the magic power of “touch”—take him on your lap, hold his hand, or pick him up—to let your toddler know that your love is still present even while you’re offering correction.

Use constructive suggestions or explanations rather than direct criticism when possible: “You should ask your sister nicely to give you your truck back instead of hitting her.” Never make the criticism a put-down of your child; criticize only his behavior: “Hitting your sister is not a nice thing to do” not “You’re a bad boy for hitting your sister.” Avoid long lectures.

As you should with any child, avoid physical punishment. But go even further in being sure that when you handle your toddler physically, you do it gently, whether you’re breaking up a toddler tug-of-war over a toy or trying to keep him from dawdling on your walk to the grocery store.

Let your toddler know that you are correcting him because you love him and know he can do better, but don’t expect more from him than he is capable of doing.

Things that go bump in the night. Things that go woof. Things that get plugged in, make loud noises, suck up everything in sight, or loudly flush down the drain. To an adult, they’re routine, harmless, taken for granted. To a toddler, they can be downright terrifying.

Fear is a common phenomenon in early childhood, particularly between the ages of two and six, though the most
common fear triggers change with a child’s age. For the infant and young toddler, the fear of strangers predominates. In the second half of the second year, fear of sudden noises, strange animals, and doctors comes into prominence. Around age two, the toilet, the dark, and people in masks and costumes (such as clowns and even Santa Claus) top the list of fears. By two-and-a-half, toddlers start worrying about imaginary creatures and possible bodily harm. Of course, there are many children whose fears don’t fit these “typical” patterns: Eighteen-month-olds who are already worrying about being flushed down the toilet and three-year-olds who suddenly become afraid of dogs.

Fear is not altogether a bad thing. The completely fearless toddler is the one most likely to get into situations hazardous to health and well-being. Nevertheless, since excessive fear can interfere with the normal functioning of a child and his family, it’s important for parents and caregivers to understand the nature of childhood fears and how to handle them.

The infant—innocent, protected, acting largely on instinct and reflex rather than reflection—is a classic example of what-I-don’t-know-can’t-hurt-me. But sometime in the second year, some developmental changes transform all that:

A little knowledge.
Getting smarter can make the world seem like a much more dangerous place. The toddler is the proud possessor of hundreds of new thoughts, dozens of new concepts, a mountain of new information—and a more mature thought process that can synthesize all of these into countless frightening scenarios.