What to Expect the Toddler Years (77 page)

Don’t laugh at or otherwise tease your fearful toddler. Even small people take their own fears very seriously. While a little playful teasing may work wonders on a toddler who’s stubbornly refusing to get dressed for day care, teasing a toddler who’s afraid of dogs by getting on all fours and barking like a terrier will only feed the terror.

Boost, don’t bash, your toddler’s ego. Self-confidence can go a long way in overcoming fear. So praise every bit of progress your toddler makes—no matter how small—and avoid criticizing steps taken backwards—no matter how big. And most important, never let your toddler feel that you love or respect him or her any less because of the fear.

Let your toddler lean on you. Fearful toddlers need a strong, supportive hand to hold—one that helps to compensate for the confidence they sometimes lack. Approach difficult situations confidently and calmly, reassuring your toddler that you won’t let anything hurt him or her.

. . . but not too much. Beware of letting support foster overdependence. Coddling may reinforce the fearful toddler’s belief that there really
is
something to fear. Alternately, it may lead to the discovery that expressing fear is a reliable route to parental attention.

Root out sources of fear in your toddler’s life. Scary books (fairy tales can be especially frightening to some children; see page 450), scary movies, scary cartoons, and scary television news reports (even if a toddler doesn’t appear to be concentrating on the screen, the fleeting image of an airplane wreck could have a lasting effect) are all capable of generating fear in a toddler. During this fearful stage, it makes sense to stay away from as many of these stimuli as possible. When it’s not possible (you go to a children’s movie, thinking it will be good family fun, but a scene with a witch leaves your toddler shaken and sobbing; you happen upon a dogfight on your walk to the park), offer a simple, matter-of-fact, but reassuring
explanation about what you’ve witnessed, but don’t dwell on it. Instead, distract your toddler.

Even such seemingly harmless items as a stuffed elephant, a set of dancing bears decorating a crib, or charming teddy-bear wallpaper adorning the nursery wall can provoke a fearful reaction in an occasional child and may need to be removed or covered, temporarily or permanently, to ease toddler fears.

Make sure you’re not responsible for the fear. Sometimes, fear in children is triggered by repeated parental warnings (“Stay away from strangers—they might try to steal you”), actions (placing a child in a dark room with the door closed), or threats (“If you’re not good, we’re going to have to send you away”). And while overly harsh discipline can increase fearfulness, paradoxically, so can an absence of discipline; living in a home where there are no external controls can be frightening to a young child.

A parent should also be wary of introducing a fear where none exists or where it hasn’t yet been expressed. For example, saying to your toddler, “Don’t be afraid,” when a cat approaches you is more likely to arouse than allay fear. Better to say, “See the pretty kitty. It wants to say hello to us.”

Trying to teach charity to a two-year-old may sound futile; toddlers who think “A” is for “altruism” are few and far between. Yet the kind of charity that begins at home can begin a lot sooner than you might think—even as the toddler continues to display age-appropriate self-centeredness and lack of empathy toward others.

It will, of course, be a gradual process, and a subtle one—you may not see results for several years. But planted and periodically nourished, the seeds of charity will grow—and eventually your egocentric toddler will blossom into an altruistic, generous adult. Here’s how to begin:

Build a warm and cohesive family.
Studies show that children who are empathetic come from such homes. But being kind and loving is not enough. Limits are also necessary. Children who grow up without them tend to become selfish adults.

Make giving a tradition.
Nobody looks forward to traditions more than a child; making giving a family tradition will help make your child eager to give. Giving at times that are traditional for getting—Christmas, Chanukah, or Kwanzaa—sets a powerful example. So when shopping with your toddler for such special events, have him or her help pick out a small gift to give to a less advantaged child. Explain that some children don’t have as many toys or clothes as your toddler, and that it makes you feel good to help them have more. In later years, your child may volunteer coins from his or her piggy bank toward the purchase.

Be a Santa for all seasons.
Anytime is the right time for giving; being open-handed in December and a Scrooge the
rest of the year gives your child the message that charity need only be seasonal. So, give throughout the year, and when you do, try to involve your toddler. At this age, children love dropping coins into banks or boxes. So let them drop them into a charity box in a local store, the collection plate at church. Explain briefly—and without going into unnecessarily frightening details—what the money will be used for (to help children who are sick get better, to help build a new Sunday school). Of course, you’ll have to subsidize your toddler’s giving, but you should encourage older children to drop in some coins of their own from their weekly allowance or “earned” income. When you have outgrown clothes or toys to give away, let your child help pack them up and explain that your family is giving them to children who don’t have a lot of toys or clothes. Have your toddler make a drawing to include in the package. When you do your weekly food shopping, ask your child to pick out an extra pound of pasta or a can of soup or beans to give to the hungry or homeless—and take him or her with you when you donate the item to a nearby food pantry.

Give of yourself.
The less fortunate need your money, true, but they also benefit from your time and effort. And, actually, small children will learn more about giving from your providing an active example than from your writing checks. Bake cookies together and explain that you’re going to bring them to the sick children in the hospital; make an extra pie at Thanksgiving and drop it off at the local soup kitchen (call first to make sure they accept such donations); volunteer to help prepare dinner once a month at the homeless shelter or to deliver holiday meals to those who are housebound. Seeing you get involved will make a lasting impression on your toddler. When your child gets a little older and is better able to participate, he or she is less likely to be intimidated by volunteering. Do it as a family—“adopt” a senior citizen whose own family lives far away and can’t visit often, take a shift serving Easter dinner at the Salvation Army before going home to your own, walk together in a fund-raising walkathon, spend an afternoon helping to clean up the local park.

Give with a smile.
It’s fine to “give until it hurts”—as long as you’re able to smile through the pain. If your child gets the impression that giving is rewarding and satisfying, rather than an unwelcome obligation, he or she will be more likely to recognize the pleasure inherent in such a deed.

Don’t expect miracles.
There’s a reason why there are no patron saints of toddler-hood: virtue just doesn’t come that easily to the little tykes. Since they are self-centered by nature, it’s unfair to expect them to be models of benevolence. Accept their stage of development, while continuing to make a conscious effort to stretch your own, and—who knows?—one day your child’s behavior may give credence to the maxim, “You reap what you sow.”

By the end of this month,
*
your toddler
. . . should be able to (see Note):

build a tower of 2 cubes (by 20½ months)