What to Expect the Toddler Years (192 page)

Instead, try showing her the right way to wipe (see above box for a description of hygienic wiping technique) by
demonstrating on a washable-wipeable doll (dab a little oatmeal or jelly on the doll’s bottom, so your toddler can see how it needs to be wiped until the tissue comes up clean). Then have her practice on the doll, under your tutelage.

Really proficient wiping may be several years away at least. In the meantime, periodically ask your toddler if you can “check” her work after she’s finished wiping, or even if you can get the last wipe in. If she lets you examine her work, make sure you praise it even if you find it less than perfect. If she refuses to let you get your wipes in, drop the issue without a fuss. You can always clean up her act at bath time.

“Our son has just started using the toilet, but he seems terrified every time it flushes. I’m afraid this fear is going to sabotage his toilet learning.”

That’s a valid concern. Many a toilet-learning experience has been sabotaged by a fear of flushing. But such sabotage can be averted if the child’s fears are respected.

First of all, keep in mind that forcing a toddler to confront a fear of flushing (or any other fear) won’t help him overcome it; coercion may even help turn a fear into a phobia (see page 209). So, for now, hold the flushing until your toddler is out of the bathroom. Then gradually try to acclimate him to the sound of the toilet flushing from a distance. Flush the toilet while he’s in the next room, where he can hear but not see the event. When that no longer panics him, try holding him in the bathroom doorway while someone else flushes. When he accepts that, try flushing with him in your arms. When he’s ready, let him try pulling the lever himself.

Sometimes it isn’t a fear of flushing that upsets a toddler but a fear of losing a part of himself when the stool goes down the drain. In this case, too, it’s probably a good idea to flush when your toddler leaves the bathroom and has become occupied with something else. Sometimes waving good-bye to the stool before flushing makes the separation easier. Or it may help to practice flushing toilet tissue down the drain (don’t try it with anything that doesn’t belong in a toilet, however, because your toddler may decide it’s a game that he loves to play—with keys, receipts, gloves, toys).

“We just taught our son how to urinate sitting down, and he’s pretty good at it. But when will it be time for him to start standing up?”

If your toddler’s just getting the hang of sitting down to urinate, don’t rush him into taking a stand. Instituting this change prematurely often leads to confusion and, with not enough sitting time on the potty, to constipation as well. So let a sitting boy sit until basic toilet skills are fairly well-mastered.

The art of urinating in an upright position is a tricky one, requiring a great deal of coordination to direct the penis towards and the flow of urine into the toilet. It’s best, if possible, for instruction to come from Dad (the parent with first-hand experience), or another older male, who can pass on some man-to-man tips and even provide a demonstration or two.

Expecting a little boy to stand and aim for the small bowl of a potty chair is
asking for trouble. So if yours has been using a potty chair, he will have to become comfortable using the big toilet before trying to stand and deliver. Once that’s accomplished, you can start seating him backwards, facing the back of the toilet (the direction he will face when he finally does stand up). In this position, he can sharpen his aim while still in close proximity to his target. Challenging him to “sink” toilet paper “boats” with his stream can make target practice even more fun. (Fun targets for toilet training are available on the Internet, or you can make some simple, geometric tissue-paper shapes at home. Just be certain that the paper you use is flushable.)

When your child has developed good control over his aim from a sitting position (or sooner if he’s noticed his father, an older sibling, or a friend standing to urinate and is eager to rise to the occasion himself), let him try standing. He’ll have to stand on a stepstool (some potty seats have steps attached) to get the height he’ll need, but make sure it’s steady so he doesn’t fall off (or in). With your help, have him direct his penis toward the drain hole in the bottom of the toilet; he can also continue trying to sink toilet tissue or other targets for extra practice. You can expect some of the flow to miss its mark, especially if he rejects assistance. It will take plenty of practice—and possibly a year or more—before the floors and walls around the toilet bowl will be free from splashes. In the meantime, be generous with the praise, be patient . . . and keep the spray cleaner handy.

“Our son wants to take the potty chair from room to room all day long—he seems to want it with him at all times. Should we make him keep it in the bathroom, so he’ll get used to using it in the right place?”

Any place is the right place, right now. It doesn’t matter where your toddler uses the potty chair, just that he uses it—and that he feels good about using it. During potty learning, a friendly, unfettered relationship with the potty is essential; if too many rules and restrictions are attached to the potty, a child may balk at using it.

Eventually, your toddler will graduate to the toilet, which, happily, isn’t portable. For now, let the potty perambulations continue.

“Ever since our daughter saw her older brother standing up to urinate, she’s wanted to do the same. We’ve tried to explain to her that it won’t work, but she’s insistent.”

At one time or another, many young children become fascinated by how the other half urinates. Boys who’ve learned to stand may question why they shouldn’t sit; girls who’ve learned to sit may question why they shouldn’t stand. The best person to help a girl who wants to stand is her mother, since she also sits rather than stands.

Explain the reasons for the sitting/ standing policy (a boy’s stream aims out, a girl’s stream aims down), point out the benefits of sitting (girls get to rest and they can make a BM and pee at the same time), and illustrate by example (take her into the bathroom and show her that you always urinate sitting down, too). You can also let her sit on the toilet facing backwards, if that makes her happy.
These techniques may help, but then again they may not. Sometimes a toddler’s curiosity can only be satisfied by learning the hard way. If it comes to that, protect the bathroom floor, remove your toddler’s shoes, socks, and below-the-belt clothing, have clean-up supplies at the ready, and give your daughter a shot at urinating standing up.

The experience is not likely to be a comfortable one; with the sensation of urine flowing down her legs fresh in her memory, your toddler may well accept that standing up isn’t practical for her. Even if she insists on trying again, and perhaps again, her curiosity should soon be satisfied and start wandering in another direction.

“We were thrilled when our son started using the potty, until we discovered him smearing his stool all over the walls.”

To an adult, a bowel movement is a bowel movement—the more quickly disposed of, the better. To some toddlers, on the other hand, a bowel movement is a remarkable personal statement, a crowning achievement, something to celebrate, revel in, and if the spirit so moves them, decorate with.

Of course, there’s no question who will have to come around to whose way of thinking. For many reasons (hygiene chief among them), you will have to make it clear to your toddler that handling the contents of the potty is not acceptable, that his “stool is not to play with—it belongs in the potty and must stay there until it’s dumped in the toilet.” But don’t scold or make him feel bad or guilty about what he’s done (remember, in his mind he’s done something great, not something naughty)—and do your best to keep your cool. The more matter-of-fact your reaction, the more likely your toddler will accept your pronouncement.

Once you’ve cleaned him up, set him up with a more acceptable creative tactile endeavor, such as finger painting, while you clean up the rest of the mess he made. To prevent repeats, keep a close eye on him when he’s using the potty in the future, and dump the contents—or ask him to dump them, if he likes—as soon as he’s finished. If that’s practical, you could also consider switching him to the toilet.

“We started out using the potty chair for our daughter, and she’s been pretty successful at it so far. The question is, when should we switch over to the regular toilet?”

It’s more important that your toddler feel secure where she sits than that she move up to the next level of toileting—and most toddlers feel more secure on a low potty chair than on what, to them, is a towering toilet. So wait until your toddler shows some interest in switching over; if she doesn’t develop such an interest spontaneously, try to nurture it by having her accompany you on your trips to the bathroom, and occasionally asking her, casually, of course, if she’d like to try using the “grown-up” potty. Buying a child’s seat that fits onto the regular toilet seat, and showing her it’s available when she’s ready, may make the transition more appealing. And getting a seat with an attached stepladder or setting up a small stepstool in front of the toilet may make the big toilet less intimidating and give your toddler a greater sense of control.

“Our son never had trouble with diaper rash when he was wearing diapers all day. Now that he wears them only at night, he’s waking up with a very sore bottom. Why?”

Some infant bottoms grow accustomed to the acidic assault of urine and build up a certain amount of immunity to diaper rash (although others, of course, seem to be chronically inflamed). Once the bottom gets used to being in dry underpants all day long, it can lose that degree of immunity and become more sensitive to the nightly soakings. Also, because your toddler now tends to “hold in” the urine longer, it becomes more concentrated, and thus, more irritating, when it’s finally released. Once he’s able to stay dry at night, this diaper rash will be a thing of the past. In the meantime, treat it as you would any diaper rash (see page 470).

“Our daughter has been using the potty when she urinates for several months now, but she insists on a diaper for a bowel movement. Should we keep letting her?”

Yes, for the time being. If you make an issue out of it, not only will you get involved in a power struggle you can’t win, but your toddler could end up with a serious case of constipation. When she asks for a diaper for her BM, offer her a chance to go on the potty instead; if she refuses, hand over the diaper. With no pressure, but plenty of opportunity, your toddler will eventually come around—especially once all her friends are completely out of diapers.

“We’re thinking of putting our two-year-old son in a half-day nursery school program in the fall, but he’s still in diapers. Should we step up the training?”

With children entering nursery school programs at an earlier age these days—much earlier than many graduate to the potty—some schools are more tolerant of diapered toddlers than they used to be. Check out the programs in your neighborhood to see if any will accept your son in diapers and if they’re willing to cooperate in his toilet learning when he’s ready to begin it. If there is no such program, you have two choices: You can postpone your child’s formal education until his toileting education is complete or you can set the potty-learning process in motion as described earlier in this chapter. Though the first option may be preferable from the point of view of toilet teaching, it may not be feasible if you have to go back to work and do not have an at-home caregiver.

If that’s the situation, then your only choice is to step up the toilet teaching. It’s also a good choice if your child is showing many of the signs of readiness described on page 540. If you keep pressure to a minimum (which won’t be easy with the stakes so high, but is nevertheless vital to the success of the endeavor), put the major responsibility in your child’s hands, and offer some incentives (see page 545), there’s a good chance your toddler will become potty proficient over the next few months. But don’t tell him that he can’t go to school unless he starts acting “like a big boy”—this may
not only make him more resistant to toilet learning, but resistant to going to school as well.

“Our toddler is nearly three and has been staying clean and dry during the day since he was two and a half. But he still wakes up in the morning sopping wet.”

Staying dry during the day—challenging though it may be—is still much easier for most toddlers than staying dry at night. Many are not yet developmentally ready to hold their urine for ten or twelve hours or to wake up in response to the bladder’s signal that it is full. While some toddlers automatically begin to stay dry at night once they’ve mastered staying dry during the day, the majority don’t. And since that’s normal, nighttime training isn’t recommended at this age.

If at any point your toddler begins to regularly wake up dry, you can dispense with the nighttime diaper. Otherwise, don’t begin a concerted campaign to teach your toddler to stay dry at night—it’s far too early to intervene. If nighttime wetting is still a problem when your child is five years old, offering incentives may be enough to help help him gain nighttime control. When it’s not, incentives can be used in combination with other measures (such as an alarm that goes off each time a child begins to wet, eventually conditioning him to wake when his bladder is full).