To Tame a Renegade (23 page)

“There are five bedrooms,” Chad said. “One was Pa’s. Pierce, Ryan, and I had our own rooms. There’s one guest room. You can have Pa’s room and Abner can take the guest room. I reckon Pierce, Zoey, and their son are sharing Pierce’s old room.”

Chad opened the door and ushered Sarah inside a small but comfortable room. The bed was covered with a colorful quilt and gingham curtains hung at each of the two windows. The view beyond the windows delighted Sarah as she gazed out at the lush green pasture topped by lofty, snow-capped mountains.

“My room is between yours and Abner’s,” Chad said. “Make yourself at home. I’ll bring your belongings up as soon as I find Cookie and tell him we have guests.”

They were behaving like strangers, Sarah realized. Polite strangers who had never shared intimacies. It was as if making love was nothing special to Chad. He’d changed during their trip to Dry Gulch, Sarah thought. He’d become remote and unreachable. Since arriving in Montana, Chad seemed obsessed with leaving as soon as possible. She willed herself not to care.

Sarah heard the door close and knew Chad had left. She gazed out the window and saw him emerge from the house a few minutes later and walk toward the barn. Abner was running alongside him, keeping up a steady conversation.

An older man whose tall, lanky frame was wrapped in an enormous white apron must have seen Chad and Abner for he came out of the barn to greet them.

Cookie? He must be, Sarah decided, before she was distracted by the sight of her son trailing behind them. Sarah decided to go downstairs to make sure Abner wasn’t making a nuisance of himself. She found him in the kitchen, munching on an apple.

“Mama, look what Cookie gave me!” Abner exclaimed, holding his half-eaten apple up high.

Chad saw Sarah and called out a greeting. “Sarah, come and meet Cookie. He’s the one who’s kept us from starving all these years. Cookie, this is Sarah Temple, Abner’s mother.”

“Howdy, Miss Sarah. Any friend of Chad’s is a friend of mine. I wish you can convince him to stick around. Ryan and Pierce were powerful worried about him.”

“I’m pleased to meet you, Cookie. Unfortunately, I haven’t the influence to make Chad do anything,” Sarah said.

Chad cleared his throat. “Cookie said Mrs. Lester’s health failed and she left to stay with her daughter a short time ago. Ryan hasn’t gotten around yet to hiring a new housekeeper.”

Sarah sensed that Chad was making small talk and wondered why he felt it necessary to do so.

“Finish your apple, Abner. Perhaps there will be time for a nap before supper.”

“No nap,” Abner protested. “I’m too old for that baby stuff. I want to go back outside and play with the dog.”

“Let him go, Sarah,” Chad urged. “The trip has been a long one. The boy needs to stretch his legs. The hands will keep an eye on him. Besides,” he added, “we need to talk. I’ll carry your bags up to your room and we can talk there.”

His last sentence had an ominous ring to it Sarah suspected he was going to tell her he was leaving and she steeled herself, refusing to let him see how deeply his leaving would hurt her.

Sarah was gazing out the window when Chad entered her bedroom and placed a small trunk at the foot of the bed. “What do you think of the ranch?”

“I can see why you love it.”

Chad walked up behind her. “Are you satisfied with the room?”

She felt the heat emanating from him and deliberately moved away. “The room is very nice. Nicer than anything I’ve ever known. But I don’t intend to impose upon your family any longer than necessary. What is it you wanted to say to me, Chad? If it’s about your leaving, I already know you don’t intend to stick around.”

Chad followed her across the room. When he reached her, he placed his hands on her shoulders and turned her to face him. “Sarah, stand still, will you? No matter how badly I want to leave, I can’t. Not yet. Not until my brothers return. I’m not going to dump you and Abner on strangers and walk away. I’m not a total bastard.”

Sarah eyes softened. “No, you’re not”

Some of the hardness left Chad’s features. “Dammit, Sarah, why are we pretending to be strangers? We’re lovers, for godsake!”

“Are we?”

Chad’s eyes glittered. Her question had an unsettling effect on him. “You want me, Sarah, just as much as I want you.”

His hands tightened on her shoulders. She felt them scorching her through the barrier of her clothing. He was standing so close she could see the golden flecks floating in his hazel eyes. She couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, as Chad’s mouth covered hers. She could have turned her head away, but she didn’t She let him kiss her, let him pull her against him, let his tongue part her lips and push inside. She felt his shaft stir against her and gave a strangled cry of protest.

Somehow she found the strength to escape the compelling potency of his kiss. “Don’t.”

Chad’s hands fell away. “You wouldn’t have kissed me like that if you didn’t want me.”

“What I want and what I need are two different things,” Sarah claimed. “Why are you tormenting me like this?”

“Do you mink I’m not tormented?” I’ve been in Dry Gulch less man one day and already my demons are stirring. I’m eager to move on. There has to be somewhere I can go to escape.”

Chad’s words rattled Sarah badly. What could she say to him that hadn’t already been said? She was saved from replying when Abner called to her from the bottom of the staircase. “Abner needs me. I have to go.”

Sarah’s thoughts were in a turmoil. Being with Chad tied her in knots. She seriously doubted he’d ever solve his problems.

Sarah thoroughly enjoyed the supper Cookie placed on the table that night It was nice not to have to cook or clean up afterward. She knew she wouldn’t have that luxury for long, but while she did she intended to savor it fully. After supper she excused herself and took Abner up to bed. He offered only a mild protest as she bathed him, put him into his nightclothes, and tucked him in.

Earlier she had asked Cookie about a bath and was informed that the ranch had a bathing room with piped-in hot water. That kind of extravagance was unheard of in Sarah’s world and she couldn’t wait to soak in a hot tub. She’d seen Chad go out to the bunkhouse after supper to talk with the hands and decided to take advantage of the privacy.

Chad trudged up the stairs. He’d lingered in the bunkhouse until the men began drifting off to their beds, the thought of returning to an empty room unappealing to him. He ducked into Abner’s room to check on him. The boy was sleeping soundly so he tiptoed out, closing the door behind him. He paused briefly before Sarah’s door, then continued on to the bathing room.

He should have noted the light shining under the door, but his mind had been preoccupied. He opened the door and came to an abrupt standstill. The breath slammed from his lungs and he lost the ability to think when he saw Sarah standing beside the tub, gloriously nude, her body rosy from her bath, her dark hair falling in damp ringlets over her shoulders. His gaze lingered on her breasts, then traveled down to the thatch of black curls between her legs. He felt his body swell and harden.

Stunned, Sarah stood rooted to the spot He was staring at her intently; the heated centers of his eyes sent hot and cold shivers down her spine.

“I’m finished,” Sarah said, reaching for the towel with shaking hands. “You may have the bathing room.” Chad still hadn’t said a word as she slipped past him and hastened to her room.

There was a reason why Chad hadn’t spoken. He couldn’t. Seeing Sarah gloriously nude had stolen his speech and left him needy as hell if he had any sense he’d go into town and look up Nellie. Regrettably, he didn’t want Nellie. Willing himself to move, he closed the door and went about his bath.

Sarah lay awake, aware of the wind whistling through the trees and the slap of branches against her window. She heard Chad return to his room after his bath and still sleep eluded her. The clock in the foyer struck two. She had just dozed off when an eerie cry jolted her awake. She leaped from bed and rushed into Abner’s room, fearing something had happened to him. The lad was sound asleep, his head resting on his hands, an angelic look on his face.

Then she heard the cry again, and garbled words, coming from behind Chad’s closed door.

“Damn you, Cora Lee! I killed them. They’re all dead.”

Sarah rushed into Chad’s room without considering the right or wrong of it. In all the times Chad had slept within her hearing, she’d never heard him cry out or thrash so. Had returning to Dry Gulch done that to him?

The room was dark except for a slash of moonlight that fell across the bed. She gasped in dismay when she noted the mess surrounding Chad. The bedding was twisted about him, and he continued to mumble and thrash in his sleep. Gingerly Sarah approached the bed. She could make out his words clearly now. “No! I can’t stay, Pierce. Don’t try to talk me out of leaving. It’s my fault, all my fault!”

His anguished words tore at Sarah’s heart. She was too compassionate to allow his nightmare to continue. She grasped his shoulders and shook him. “Chad, wake up. You’re dreaming.”

Still deeply immersed in his nightmare, Chad shook himself free. Undaunted, Sarah grasped his shoulders and shook him harder. Suddenly Chad growled deep in his throat, grabbed her in a bear hug, and pulled her down onto the bed, rolling on top of her.

“Chad! What are you doing?”

Chad had emerged from sleep slowly, saw something bending over him in a threatening manner, and reacted mechanically. He’d trained himself to respond instantly to danger and ask questions later. Before Sarah realized what was happening, Chad had pulled her beneath him on the bed, reached under his pillow for his gun, and pressed it against her temple. Sarah went still beneath him, wondering if she’d live to see the light of day.

“Chad, it’s Sarah. Please don’t hurt me.”

“Sarah?” The gun came away from her head and he heard Sarah heave an enormous sigh. “What in blazes are you doing in my bed? Not that I’m complaining.”

“You were having a nightmare. I tried to wake you.”

“Sorry,” Chad muttered. He shifted his weight but didn’t let her up. “This is the first nightmare I’ve had in a long time. I reckon coming back to Dry Gulch set it off.”

She heard the note of pain in his voice—and something else. The sharp edge of rising desire.

“Let me up, Chad.”

“Why? You came to me, I didn’t come to you.”

“Tell me about your nightmare. Maybe I can help,” Sarah said, trying to diffuse the volatile situation. Chad was much too close for her peace of mind.

“There’s only one way you can help me. Is that what you’re offering, Sarah?”

Sarah refused to be baited. “I’d rather hear about your dream. It must have been disturbing.”

“Forget the nightmare. It’s always the same. People dying while I’m standing over them with a smoking gun.”

“What else?”

“I’d rather not talk about it.” He kissed the corners of her lips. “You can help me by letting me love you. Only you can banish my demons.”

Sarah gnawed at the tender inside of her lip as she considered his words. “You want to love me for all the wrong reasons. I can understand your mistrust of women, but you should know by now that I’m different”

“I do know you’re different, Sarah. I reckon I’ve always known it. And I do care for you and Abner.

Her voice trembled. “What are you trying to tell me?”

“I reckon I’m saying that if I could shed this guilt and lose my demons, you’re the woman with whom I’d want to share my life. Unfortunately miracles don’t happen overnight The blame and the burden are mine alone to bear. It isn’t fair to share them with anyone.”

A bold slash of moonlight fell across his face, revealing his anguish. “Isn’t wanting you and caring for you enough right now? I’d like to offer more, but I can’t.”

She gasped as he lowered his head and caressed her lips with his tongue, outlining the contours before covering them completely. The caress changed from teasing to intense as he deepened the kiss, thrusting boldly with his tongue. The blood hammered through her veins as he stroked her breasts, her stomach, her thighs, igniting a desperate wanting inside her.

“Raise up,” Chad whispered against her lips. “I want to remove your shift.”

“I didn’t come to your room for this.”

“Why did you come?”

“I heard you cry out and wanted to help.”

“You can help me by letting me love you. Give me respite from these clawing demons that plague me.”

“You don’t need my help to banish your demons,” Sarah told him. “Guilt is a terrible burden. You have no reason to blame yourself for what happened. Your intentions were good. You married Cora Lee to help your brother. What happened after that couldn’t be helped. You were innocent of those deaths.”

“I never considered myself an innocent, but I lost any claim to innocence I might have retained the day I found Cora Lee rutting in bed with her brother. The deaths that followed could have been prevented if I hadn’t killed Hal Doolittle. Don’t try to make excuses for what I did, Sarah. Those deaths altered my perception of life and human nature. Cynicism, pleasure, lust, those are emotions I can understand.”

“Don’t forget compassion, Chad. Like it or not, you do have more than your share of compassion. You proved it when you married Cora Lee to save your brother, and when you wouldn’t abandon me and Abner when we needed you.”