To Tame a Renegade (19 page)

“I reckon I realize now that Cora Lee was Hal’s victim. I pity her. She didn’t deserve to die. Neither did an innocent babe. You can’t begin to imagine how those deaths affected me. I can’t help thinking that if I hadn’t killed Hal things might have ended differently. When I drew my gun, I aimed to kill. The sight of Hal rutting on his own sister set something off inside me I couldn’t control.”

“So you left your home and everything you held dear because you killed a man in self-defense,” Sarah repeated, trying to understand Chad.

“Those deaths, particularly those of Mr. Doolittle and the babe, weighed heavily on me. I had to get away. I needed space and time to come to grips with those events. In trying to save my brother’s life, I inadvertently caused four deaths. I had to get away from Dry Gulch and all those disturbing memories.”

“Is Cora Lee the reason for your low opinion of women?”

Chad gave her a slow grin. “Don’t get me wrong. I like women. They have their place in a man’s life. I just don’t trust them. My brothers feel the same way. Pierce was dead-set against marriage until he met Zoey. We’ve all had bad experiences with women, beginning with our mother. She left my pa for another man. We were just young boys at the time and couldn’t understand why our mother didn’t like us enough to stay with us. That distrust has carried through into our adult lives.”

“All women aren’t alike. You said Pierce found a good woman. There must be others out there.”

“Perhaps there are but I’m not sure I could handle one. I’m emotionally incapable of loving.”

“Someday a woman will steal your heart when you’re least expecting it, Chad Delaney.” I wish it could be me, Sarah thought but did not say. When and if Chad married he’d want an innocent girl, not a less than respectable woman with an illegitimate child.

“This talk of marriage is a waste of time. Unless …” He searched her face, then shook his head. “I suppose every woman wants a husband. Once you get to Rolling Prairie, Zoey will introduce you to suitable young men. I hope you choose wisely. Abner needs a man in his life.”

“Damn you, Chad Delaney! We’ve just made love and already you’re trying to get rid of me. For your information, I don’t intend to marry… ever. No man would love Abner like I do. It would take a special man to forget Abner is illegitimate.”

Chad reared up and began pulling on his pants. “Any man who loved you would love Abner without reservations.”

“Where will I find a man like that?” Sarah contended.

Chad frowned.
He
loved Abner but he didn’t count. He wasn’t husband material. And unless he wanted to be roped into marriage he reckoned he’d best keep his lust under control and his fly buttoned. The last thing he wanted was to make Sarah believe he was interested in marriage.

“I’m sure there are any number of men who will appreciate you.” This conversation was beginning to make him uncomfortable. The thought of Sarah with another man was not a pleasant one. “Perhaps you should go to bed. There’s much to be done tomorrow. I need to purchase a wagon so you and Abner can travel to Montana in comfort. You probably have some household goods you’ll want to transport.”

“I don’t have all that much. Some bedding and dishes, a few articles of clothing. None of the furnishings are mine. But you’re right, Chad, I am tired. You can sleep on the sofa, if you like. Good night”

Sarah didn’t get very far. Chad reached for her, pressing her against him. The thrust of her firm breasts against his chest sent his resolve flying out the window. His shaft stirred restlessly as he lowered his head and kissed her. When Sarah leaned into his kiss, he reluctantly recalled his vow to contain his lust and abruptly broke off the kiss.

“Good night, Sarah. Sleep well.”

Chad couldn’t sleep. Dredging up those tragic events from his past made him reluctant to return to Dry Gulch. Perhaps he wouldn’t have to go all the way to Dry Gulch, he reasoned. He could leave Sarah and Abner in Rolling Prairie with Pierce and Zoey and take off for parts unknown. There were still plenty of outlaws to catch out there, including Freddie Jackson.

Sarah’s thoughts were as troubled as Chad’s. His story had answered a lot of questions about Chad Delaney, but it didn’t make her love him any less. Chad’s problems originated from within his own conscience. He held himself responsible for four deaths that were none of his doing. It occurred to Sarah that Chad was possessed of an innate goodness that he’d be the first to deny. The sad truth was that those events had drained him emotionally and his conscience denied him peace. He’d fled all he loved and held dear in order to escape his demons, but time and distance had failed to erase his memories.

An uneasy sleep finally claimed Sarah. She was shaken awake the next morning by Abner.

“Mama! Chad is gone. Is he coming back?”

“Would you be sorry if he didn’t?”

“I like Chad, Mama. Why can’t he stay with us?”

“Chad wants to take us to Montana to live with his brother and sister-in-law,” Sarah said. “They live on a big ranch.”

Abner’s eyes shone with excitement. “Do they have horses?”

“I suppose. Chad doesn’t think we should stay in Carbon. He’s afraid Freddie Jackson will return and take you away again.”

Abner frowned. “I don’t like that man. He was mean to you. I don’t believe he’s my papa. I’m going to pretend Chad’s my papa.”

Oh, God, she was going about this all wrong. “That’s not wise, honey. Chad cares about what happens to us but that’s as far as it goes.”

Abner’s frown deepened. “What do you mean?”

“You’re not old enough to understand, honey. Wait in the kitchen for me. I’ll join you after I’ve dressed. There’s much to be done today, and it won’t get accomplished if we lie in bed all day.”

Chad bought breakfast at an eating house and was the first in line when the bank opened. He had a letter of credit on the Delaney account but this was the first time he’d needed to use it He felt guilty taking money he hadn’t earned, even though he was an equal partner with his brothers. Before he left Dry Gulch he’d done his share of the work and spent his share of the profits. But for the past two years he’d contributed nothing to the ranch and felt uncomfortable taking from it.

Until now. He was damn near broke and he needed a wagon and supplies to get Sarah and Abner to Montana. The bank manager offered no argument when Chad withdrew a substantial sum of money.

Chad’s next stop was the livery, where he was able to purchase a small covered wagon and four sturdy horses to pull it Then he bought supplies for the trip and stored them in the wagon. Chad’s last stop was the general store. He felt a little awkward purchasing women’s clothing, but Sarah was going to need something besides the rags she called a wardrobe. He bought three day dresses made of sturdy material and another of velvet that he couldn’t resist because it was the exact shade of her violet eyes. He added a warm coat and boots. He had to guess at the sizes but the clerk proved helpful in that respect when Chad mentioned they were for Sarah Temple.

Chad found it easier to buy clothing for Abner. Before he left the store he’d bought the youngster several flannel shirts, denim pants, underwear, boots, jacket, and headgear. He even purchased new boots and trousers for himself, adding a leather vest and sheepskin jacket that had taken his eye. They were headed for high country and he knew that the weather could turn at a moment’s notice.

While Chad was conducting his business Sarah packed their meager belongings. When she finished, there was one last thing she had to do. No matter what her parents thought of her, she couldn’t leave town without telling them goodbye. They had never actually met Abner and suddenly she felt it very important that Abner meet his grandparents. She tried to explain the situation to the child in words he would understand.

“Why didn’t my grandma and grandpa ever come to see me?” Abner wanted to know after listening to Sarah’s explanation. “Don’t they like me?”

“They never gave themselves a chance, honey. They were angry at something I did so they deliberately cut me out of their lives. But I think they should meet you before we leave town.” Her expression turned wistful. “I want them to know what they’re missing.”

They left the house after a lunch of leftovers from breakfast. Sarah composed words she wanted to say in her head while Abner skipped along beside her. They didn’t see Chad, who was on his way back to the house after having completed his errands.

Chad was puzzled when he spied Sarah and Abner walking down the street. He wondered where Sarah was going and what she was up to. Then she rounded a corner and it occurred to him that she was going to call on her parents. He spit out a curse. Hadn’t she taken enough abuse from them? He followed close behind as she walked up to the parsonage and knocked on the door.

Hazel Temple opened the door. Her startled gaze swept over Sarah and settled on the boy standing beside her.

“Hello, Mother. I know I’m the last person you want to see but I wanted you to meet Abner before we left town. This is likely to be the last time you’ll see either of us.”

“You’re leaving town?”

“It’s what you and Father have always wanted, isn’t it?”

Hezekiah appeared in the open doorway beside his wife. ‘It’s exactly what we want. Why are you here, Sarah?”

Sarah’s chin rose fractionally. “I wanted you to meet your grandson.”

Hezekiah’s stem gaze settled briefly on Abner. “We’ve never acknowledged your bastard. Why bring him here now?”

“I wanted him to know that he has grandparents before we leave. And I wanted to tell you both goodbye.” She nudged Abner.

“Goodbye, Grandmother, goodbye, Grandfather. Can we go now, Mama?”

“Where are you going?” Hazel asked, ignoring her husband’s disapproving frown.

“We’re going to Montana,” Abner piped up. “We’re going to live with Chad’s family.”

“Delaney is a fool if he marries you,” Hezekiah said with derision. “Are you sure he knows what you are? His family won’t approve of you if he’s stupid enough to take you to his home.”

Hezekiah’s hurtful words were a bitter reminder of his rigid nature. “Chad knows exactly what I am. Father. Neither of us wants marriage. We’re good friends and will remain friends, no matter what you think of me.”

“You’re his whore, Sarah, you’ll never be anything else to him.”

“Father!”

The truth hurt. Sarah would never stop wanting Chad. She could deny it until her face turned blue, but all Chad had to do was touch her and she shattered. If that made her a whore, then so be it.

“You’ve said enough, Reverend,” Chad said, stepping up beside Sarah. No one had seen him leave his horse at the hitching post and quietly follow behind Sarah and Abner. “Sarah came here to tell you goodbye. She still has feelings for you, though God knows why.”

He took her arm and Abner’s hand and determinedly turned them away from the door. Sarah didn’t look back as she followed Chad, but her eyes were suspiciously moist She had tried so hard to understand her parents, and in a way she did. She had humiliated them before their flock. Her very presence was an embarrassment to them.

“Wait!” Suddenly Sarah’s mother broke free of her father’s iron grip and darted past him to where Sarah and Abner stood.

Sarah’s heart leaped with joy as her mother placed a restraining hand on her arm. “You have a fine son, Sarah. I know I’ve treated you badly in the past, but what you did was a sin.” She paused to smile down at Abner. “I couldn’t let you leave without telling you…”

“Telling me what, Mama?”

“I’m sorry. That’s all I’m sorry.”

Abruptly she turned and hastened to her husband’s side. Hezekiah was scowling fiercely as he pulled her inside and slammed the door.

“You shouldn’t have come here, Sarah,” Chad chided.

“I wanted them to see their grandson before I took him away.”

“All you did was open yourself to more heartache.”

“Did you hear what my mother said, Chad? She said she was sorry. That alone was worth the trip. It’s the most I’ve ever had from either of them.”

A lump formed in Chad’s throat. It took so little to make Sarah happy. He’d never known a woman like her. Had he any inclination toward marriage he’d… Shit! He was thinking with his loins again. Sarah appeared to be different from his mother and Cora Lee, but these days he couldn’t trust his own judgment.

“Forget your parents, Sarah. My family will make you welcome. You’ll have everything you need at the Circle F.”

Everything but you
, Sarah reflected sadly. “I hope I’m doing the right thing. What if Jackson has given up on Abner? I could go on taking in laundry and raising Abner just like I’ve always done.”

“You’d die before your time if you continued on like you were. This is the best way, Sarah, believe me.

Sarah wasn’t so sure but she gave Chad the benefit of the doubt.

All was in readiness early the following morning. The wagon was packed and Chad was waiting beside it for Sarah and Abner to return from the Barlows, where they had gone to bid Carrie and the children farewell. An unwelcome visitor arrived before Sarah and Abner. Chad was unpleasantly surprised to see a buggy pull up to the house and Mrs. Kilmer climb out of it. Behind her, a maid struggled with a basket of laundry.