This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life (8 page)

If you receive a reaction that is tinged with embarrassment, annoyance, exasperation, or hesitation, that is also okay! This just means that your child is partway through the process of becoming comfortable in their own skin, and conversing about certain things may not feel quite right just yet. Oluremi, who came out to her parents at age sixteen, reflected on her experience with her parents’ questions, saying, “I always thought it was okay for them to ask questions, but I didn’t always know how or feel ready to answer them.” If your child isn’t in a place to answer your questions, just say something along the lines of, “It is okay for us to not talk about this right now. I just want you to know that I care about you and that it will help me to better understand certain things once you are ready to have these conversations.” Wait a few months, and then try the same approach—ask them if they are feeling more able to talk about things with you, and see if things have shifted.

If your child isn’t quite ready to talk, it is still very important to deal with your unanswered questions. There are thousands of parents out there who have had similar questions and experiences— it is just a matter of getting in touch with the right groups and communities
(see the Resources on page 222 for more)
. You can learn and go through this process on your own terms while your child becomes more comfortable with who they are. It is more than likely that, given some time, it will become easier for you to ask questions and easier for your child to answer them.

Q:
Will my other kids be gay?

A:
It’s possible, but it’s not something that anyone can predict!

There are plenty of siblings out there with very diverse sexualities. Just as one of your children may be more interested in sports, while another is exceptionally talented at singing, your children can be very different when it comes to sexuality. We could talk for hours about the biology of it all, and whether having one gay child does, in fact, make it more likely for your other children to be gay. But none of the science behind these claims is concrete, and there’s absolutely no way to determine if your other kids will be gay based on the sexuality of
one
of your children.

We have spoken to several parents who are worried that if their other kids know that their sibling is gay, they will have more reason to be gay themselves. This is, quite simply, not how things work when it comes to our sexual identities. Try to think about how you would have felt about your own sexuality if your sibling had been gay, or if a very close friend of yours had come out to you in middle school or high school. Do you think that this would have changed your identity? Perhaps, if you had already been curious, you would have felt more confident in exploring your sexuality or speaking about it. However, that knowledge would not have changed the fundamentals that inform and create your sexuality. We will talk about this more in the following chapters, but the bottom line
is this: Being honest with your other children will not alter their personal desires and interests. Your children are who they are, period.

What’s more, being open about and accepting toward all identities (both within and outside of your family unit) can make all the difference if it turns out that another one of your kids
is
gay. Coming out tends to be a much harder process for a child when they have a sibling who is already out to the family. We have spoken to many kids who have watched a sibling come out to their parents, and who are terrified to come out themselves because this will mean that now
two
of their parents’ children are gay. Many kids feel that this will push their parents over an edge of some kind, and that what was once acceptance will turn into disappointment, anger, or sadness. They also fear their coming out will be seen as less valid, as a possible “copycat” move, or a means of just wanting to be like their sibling.

For these reasons alone, it is so important that your support of your “out” kid is seen and heard by your other children. As we already discussed, this support will not change who they are, but it will help them to better understand themselves and to share those findings with you. If you are a parent of more than one child, and you speak about how you are “so glad” that your other children “aren’t gay,” this can (and likely will) close all doors of communication. Make sure to voice your support around your other children, and also strive to use inclusive language. If you ask them a question
about dating, phrase the question in an inclusive way. Rather than saying to your son, “Are you interested in any girls at school?” ask, “Are there any people who you are dating or interested in?” This is not only sensitive to them, but it also shows respect and support for the child who has come out to you.

The name of the game is treating all of your children equally, and with respect. Some families do have more than one child who is gay; other families have six children in which only one child is gay. There is no way to “know” about the intricacies of your other children based on the qualities of one child. It is, however, possible for your support and honesty to allow for all of your kids to feel confident expressing themselves, no matter who they are.

While your child has to navigate the coming-out process, you, too, will be faced with decisions about sharing this information with people in your life. There are many factors to consider—among them, your own comfort level and your child’s readiness to share this part of themselves with others. You may worry about whom to tell, or how to tell them, and the responses that you will receive from people close to you. Your child is not the only person who will have to come out to others; you will also have to make decisions about coming out as a parent of a gay child.

We all share information differently. There is no obligation for you to tell every person who crosses your path that you have a gay child, but you certainly can! Remember that the decision to tell others is personal and specific to you and your kid.

Q:
When should I tell people?

A:
Telling others—whether it be family, friends, coworkers, or acquaintances—is something that happens at different times, depending on when you or your child are ready for that information to be shared. Since there are many permutations when it comes to telling others, we have created a chart to help guide you.