This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life (6 page)

These few simple steps will create an open environment in which your child will be able to explore and play without feeling that their parent thinks they are “wrong” or “bad.” Children’s interests and behaviors change often when they are at such a young age,
which is why it is so difficult to ever really
know
anything concretely about who they will grow up to be. All children come to understand attraction and sexuality at different points in their development, which is why allowing them freedom to express the things they desire and play with the toys they love—as well as encouraging an awareness of many different identities—will help them to understand themselves better.

After the dust has settled on the initial “I’m gay” announcement, you will likely have a whole host of questions banging around inside your brain. You may be afraid your child will face discrimination, never get married, or feel out of place in the world at large. Many of these worries may have arisen regardless of your child’s sexuality, but given this new context, things may seem more overwhelming. Know that you are equipped to handle these concerns and questions, and that there are resources around you that can help.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. The more information you gather, the easier it will be to navigate these new surroundings. Ask your child, ask your friends, and seek out books, articles, and support groups that can help you better understand your child and this process as a whole. Take the time you need to reflect; you can’t get
all of the answers you seek in just a few short weeks or months. The fact that you are beginning this journey by seeking out resources and answers is a clear indicator of how much you love your child, and how much you want to be able to understand and support them.

Q:
Is this a choice?

Personally, I don’t feel as though I was born gay. I also don’t feel as though I explicitly chose my sexuality. I feel that I came to understand myself, my attractions, and my interests based on a ton of factors—some that felt more inherent to my person, and others that I found in the world around me. I know that I didn’t choose whom to have crushes on or fall in love with, but I have also never felt as though “I always knew.” What I do know is that, given the choice today, I would choose this life—my sexuality included. I love my life and I love the way I view the world around me because of who I am and whom I love. I think we all come to understand our sexualities in our own unique ways
.

—
Kristin

A:
It is important to be cautious when talking about sexuality as something that is or is not a “choice.” That word—
choice
—is a very narrow way of describing a complex experience. When we hear that someone “chooses” something, we think in simple terms: choosing a red shirt over a green one or choosing french fries over a salad. That is not an accurate way to frame our
experience of sexuality or attraction. Think, for a moment, about your own sexuality. If you identify as “straight,” do you feel as though you made a conscious choice to feel that way? Did you wake up one day, look at the various options presented to you, and say, “You know, straight seems like the identity I prefer, so I will pick that one,” and then suddenly, after choosing, find yourself attracted to a particular gender? Probably not. It is never as simple as picking an identity out of a bucket and having that choice or decision inform your desires and interests. If this is what we mean when we say “choice,” then no, sexuality is certainly not something that any of us choose. However, it is very important to reflect on what you mean when you ask this question. For some, it is simple curiosity; given only your own experience with sexuality, you might wonder how someone comes to understand themselves as something other than heterosexual. For others, it is a question that actually means, “Can I help my kid change this part about them?” or “Did my kid decide to be gay?”

For those who are curious as to the experience itself: Every person has their own, personal relationship with sexuality. There are individuals who feel they have known they were gay since the moment they could form a memory, who feel this is in their DNA, and that they were, quite literally, “born this way.” There are others who came to understand their sexuality at a later stage in their life, and who believe that part of their desires and attractions were
informed by experiences they had with the world around them. Still others feel they are somewhere in the middle—that part of their identity was always hardwired, but different experiences and interactions also helped to shape and foster their attractions. There is simply no way to sift through the complex brain maze that determines and directs desires and end with one final answer on how it all works, because it is different for all of us. The only way to understand your kid’s experience with sexuality is to ask them. You may find out that they have known since they were three years old, or that they didn’t think much about it until this year, but regardless of how they have come to understand themselves, that understanding is valid, real, and true.

For those who want to know if sexuality is a decision or something that can be changed: no, it is not; and no, it cannot. As we discussed previously, reflecting on your own experience with sexuality is an incredible way to get a better sense of how complicated and intricate that understanding can be. Just as you cannot change the way your brain and heart and body interact with the people and the world around you, neither can your child. Trying to deny any part of who you are—sexually or otherwise—is troublesome, isolating, and damaging. Whenever we try to refuse any part of ourselves, that part grows and demands that we give it the attention it is due. Your kid is your kid, all parts, all desires, all attractions included.

Q:
Is this my fault?

A:
Fault
is another tricky word. The question, “Who is to blame?” implies that there is something inherently wrong with your child’s sexuality. Therefore, the first step in looking at this question is to phrase it in a way that will allow for a more open-ended discussion. This isn’t (or at least, shouldn’t be) about pointing a judging finger at yourself or someone else; this is about you wondering
why
your child’s sexuality is different from your own, or different from what you may have anticipated.

As we discussed in the previous question, coming to understand personal sexuality is a different process for everyone, and it doesn’t hinge on any one moment or a simple “decision.” There is no way for anyone to boil down their attractions and desires to one specific origin. And truthfully, even if we could whittle down all of the layers and find out that,
yes, at age three when you told your daughter she had to go to ballet, that somehow informed and shaped her future sexuality
, what would you do with that information? Knowing
why
your kid is gay won’t make you any better of a parent. What’s more important is accepting and supporting your child.

It is okay to open up a dialogue around some of these questions, so long as you are able to speak in a way that will not make your kid feel that who they are is a bad thing. Don’t approach the topic by saying things like, “Are you like this because of me?” or “Did I do something wrong to make you this way?” Rather, frame
the conversation in a positive way by saying something like, “I would love to talk more about when you started to understand this part of yourself. Do you think this was something that you’ve always felt, or do you think experiences in your life shaped you?” If your child is able to talk openly about these things, you will be able to learn more about how they view their identity. This may help you let go of some of the guilt you are feeling. If your child is not yet ready to answer these questions, have patience. They will eventually get to a place where you can have more open communication. For now, focus on the positive aspects of your child’s life (their sexuality included!), and remember that people don’t single-handedly create and inform the desires of others.

Q:
I think this is just a phase.

A:
Most of us go through different stages in life regarding a variety of topics—sexuality included. Just as our tastes in food and music may change over our lifetime, we also evolve in terms of whom we are attracted to and why we are attracted to them based on an array of factors, such as appearance, personality, interests, and sometimes gender. We change, we grow, and maybe your child
is
unsure—but maybe they are as sure as anything they have ever known. Their sexuality may remain consistent throughout their lives, or it may vary, but this doesn’t make their current identity less valid. Every kid—in fact, every
person
—has a different journey when it comes to sexuality. What matters is who they are and how they feel
right now
. As a parent, you probably know how many unexpected things crossed your path over the course of your lifetime. The same will happen to your child. Do your best to remain flexible in moving along with your child’s experience instead of trying to anticipate the future.