This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life (4 page)

Your accidental discovery, however, might indicate that your child is still feeling very unsure about their sexuality or is not quite ready to talk to you about such things. Maybe you saw a love letter to a best friend or you found a personal blog where they are exploring
some new feelings. If this is the case, then the best option is to tuck the information in the back of your brain and wait for them to approach you directly. It is important for your child to have space so they can understand their sexuality enough to communicate it clearly—when they are ready. In the interim, there are a few things you can do to help digest the information and prepare for that eventual conversation.

If you decide to wait until your child tells you:

• Make sure you have an outlet for your feelings. While you shouldn’t go off and tell everyone in the neighborhood, it is absolutely okay to tell a trusted friend or two about your discovery. Just make sure those trusted few know this isn’t common knowledge until your child is ready.
  
• Allow your child their continued privacy. You stumbled upon something accidentally, and now perhaps your interest is piqued and you want to know more. It will be difficult at times, but continuing to respect their privacy will only strengthen your relationship’s ability to move forward.
  
• Drop small, supportive hints. This will foster an environment where your child will feel safe to eventually speak to you about their identity. This doesn’t mean suddenly and unexpectedly putting a poster of Elton John over the dining room table, but you can certainly speak openly about human rights and current events!
  
• When your child does approach you, be honest. You don’t have to pretend you never knew—unless you are a brilliant actor, they will likely pick up on the fact that you are not hearing this information for the first time. Explain to them that you accidentally came across something that made you think they were gay, but you wanted to give them the space they needed to initiate the conversation themselves.
  
• Read this book. Good job—you are already ahead of the curve.
  

For many, the coming-out process helps clarify and solidify the intricacies of their identity. The coming-out process is also just that: a process. Whether you decide to talk to your child immediately or wait for them to approach you, this won’t be how either of you “expected” it to happen—and that is okay. Coming out is never how we imagine it might be, and it is never something that we are prepared for on either end of the dialogue. Whatever decision you make, remember that you will get many chances to work through your thoughts, your questions, and your emotions.

Q:
I think my child is gay, but they haven’t come out to me yet. Should I ask them?

My favorite pastime at the age of fifteen was to collect piles of Britney Spears memorabilia. My mother approached me one afternoon and, peering over my shoulder at the pictures of Britney, asked in her thick Southern accent, “Dan-yell, are you gay?” Now, if I had felt anything
toward Britney Spears other than a deep appreciation for her performance abilities, the question might have opened up a much-needed conversation. The issue, though, was that I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about—I wasn’t gay! I had a huge crush on a boy at school and was devastated daily that his interest was not returned. At that point, I couldn’t grasp why my mother had made this connection. It wasn’t until four years after this exchange that I began noticing an attraction to other women
.

—
Dannielle

A:
As a parent, you may simply have a gut feeling about your child. You may also have noticed a change in behavior, have seen something they posted online, or wondered about a relationship they have with a close friend. There is a chance that you are correct in your thinking, but there is also a chance that you are wrong. Even if you are right, you may be far ahead of your child’s process. What’s more, when you ask your child if they are gay, or imply it with prodding questions, it can result in them feeling judged, scrutinized, or visibly “different” from others—even if that isn’t your intent.

An important part of the coming-out process is having the ability to communicate your identity to those closest to you, on your own terms. For this reason, it is often best to give your child the space they need to approach you when they feel most secure and comfortable in their own identity. Although Dannielle’s mother was correct in her assumptions, her query made Dannielle worry that
everyone else around her also thought she was gay. She also wondered what made her mother jump to that conclusion and started to feel exceptionally self-conscious about her behavior. No matter how gently the question is phrased or how supportive the intention, the implication is generally, “There is something about you that seems unlike others.”

Also, be wary of trying to coax the information out of your child indirectly. Being questioned about how much time they might be spending with a certain friend will tip them off to the fact that you might have a bigger question lurking behind the decoys. Remember that you’ve been in this world for a considerably longer time, and exploring and understanding attraction and sexuality for the first time is a confusing experience. What is seemingly clear to you may take them a much longer time to understand. If your child is trying to work out their own confusions and also worrying about how and when to talk about those confusions with you, those not-so-subtle hints can make them feel angry, pressured, and further confused.

Gibson, who is seventeen and out to his family, thought the coming-out moment would be much easier if his parents would just ask him if he was gay. He figured it would circumvent the awkward moment of starting the conversation on his own. What he discovered, however, was that when his parents did ask him, he was so blindsided by the moment that he denied it! “In the end, I felt like it made it harder to tell them,” he said, “because it seemed more like I had blatantly lied to them, instead of just having not explicitly told them about my sexuality.” Asking your child can often cause a
moment of panic—even if your tone is supportive and compassionate. In the moment, many kids will freeze and say what they may think you want to hear, which then leaves them in an even trickier position.

If you think that your child might be gay, the best approach is to create a safe and accepting environment. If your child
is
gay, this will help them work up the courage to talk with you once they better understand their own identity. Talk about current events in your home and voice your support for equality. Ask how kids are treating each other at school. Express your discontent with how cruel people can be to those who they think are “different” from themselves. You do not have to be gay or have a gay child to be vocal about human equality and respect for all individuals. The more you engage in dialogue around those and other issues, the more your child will understand that they have a loving parent who will accept them exactly as they are. This will allow them to feel safe, to explore and understand their own identity, and to approach you with their feelings when they are ready.