This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life (12 page)

—
Dannielle

A:
It is a rare thing for any of us to have one crystal-clear vision of who we will be when we grow up, and for that vision to not only remain constant over our lifetime, but for it to also be the exact way in which our life unfolds. Life doesn’t often follow rulebooks, guidelines, or expectations. Frequently, we find ourselves in a particular place in life and we think, “Well, I never could have imagined this, but here I am—and now I couldn’t really imagine it any other way.” Many times, after we have adjusted to this new reality, we also get a sense that it has always been this way or that it was meant to be this way from the start.

The trickiest part of these dips and curves is in the initial introduction of something new, something unexpected, or something unimagined. Michele, whose daughter Zoe came out at age eighteen, had seen her daughter in many relationships with boys throughout her high school years, so she had formed a clear picture of what Zoe’s future might look like. “I could see her being a great mom and having a great husband, lots of kids, a dog,” she explained. “I felt like I knew what the next step would be, but then a different picture showed up.” You, too, have likely imagined what your child’s life would look like as they grew into adulthood. Certainly, those pictures were informed by the things around you, and also by
experiences that you have had in your own life. Perhaps some of those pictures also aligned with things that you wished you had been able to achieve when you were their age. You might have imagined them studying a particular subject, wearing a certain style of clothing, getting married, having a family, or having a successful career. If you aren’t gay, you likely didn’t imagine your child to be gay. If you don’t know many gay people in general, you weren’t working with the tools to incorporate those possibilities into your thoughts. We think around the things we know. The more knowledge you gather around what a “gay” future might look like, the more you will be able to calm those feelings of confusion.

Ask yourself what, in particular, is throwing that picture of your child’s future into disarray. What is it that you are thinking about that makes you feel disoriented? Is it simply the thought of them bringing someone home who is not the gender you had initially expected they would be, or are you connecting their sexual orientation to a whole web of other ideas as they relate to family, behavior, dress, politics, and religion? Break apart the pieces so you can look at them one by one, as opposed to wrestling with a whole pile of tangled feelings. If you find that your biggest hurdle is the overall idea of your son bringing a boy home or your daughter crushing on other girls, recognize that it is okay for your initial response to be fearful, confused, or uncertain. You are not going to feel every perfect, supportive emotion right at the start. Be patient with those initial feelings and fears. Gather the tools you need to adjust to a new (and ever-changing) picture of your child’s future.
You need to know more about what this all means, what it might look like, and how it might feel in order to become more at ease in these new surroundings.

There are a lot of different ways that you can begin to better understand new family structures and other life experiences that overlap with the LGBTQ community. Reading books, watching documentaries, and speaking with others who have gone through similar experiences are all excellent ways of engaging with and reflecting on your feelings. Participating more in these activities will help you better navigate this process and start to form that new, and perhaps more flexible, picture of your kid’s life. There is a list of suggested videos, books, and other material in the Resources on
page 222
that will be of help. Take things one step at a time, because if you have been operating under one set of expectations for the past ten or more years, those new imaginings will not be able to simply snap into place overnight.

If you are connecting your child’s sexuality with a multitude of other pieces in the your-kid’s-future-identity puzzle, hold on a moment. There is nothing about your kid’s sexuality that necessarily informs the other elements that make them who they are. While sexuality informs family structure or career path for some, that is not always the case. When it comes to the overall layout of their future, your child’s desires would be certain to surprise you even if they weren’t gay! The best thing you can do when it comes to these larger questions is try to talk to your kid. Instead of assuming
that their sexuality is determinant of their interests in religion or politics or family in any particular way, ask them! Ask them what their thoughts are on family or career, see what inspires them, and use their responses to help inform and reshape your imagining of their future. Remember that what motivates us in one chapter of our lives may be very different from what motivates us in another. Try to digest your child’s reality as something that exists right now, in this moment. The hopes and dreams that we have for ourselves change over the years, so we must be willing to accept changes in those hopes, dreams, and desires for the ones we love, and be patient with ourselves as we make those adjustments.

Q:
Will my child be interested in different things now?

A:
For a lot of people, coming out isn’t only about sexuality; it’s also about beginning to understand the larger picture of who they are through a new lens. This doesn’t always result in a severe shift in interests, and some people will come out and retain all of their previous hobbies, styles, and preferences. Others, though, may find that once they are more confident in expressing their sexuality, they may also begin to recognize other areas in their life in which they weren’t quite being themselves. Your child may explore new ways of dressing, read different books, listen to different music, or begin hanging out with some new
people. This process of self-discovery is very personal and is different for everyone. Don’t assume that, just because of their sexuality, your kid will suddenly want to join the theater department instead of playing basketball, or will now need a supply of black T-shirts.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by the fact that your kid has decided to cut her hair short or isn’t watching his favorite television show anymore, that is okay—and very understandable. You have always known certain things about your kid, and are now feeling unsure of where these changes are coming from and why you were unable to anticipate them. Depending on the journey that your child is on, things can sometimes feel very drastic and out of line with past behavior. In those instances, it is important to take a step back so that you can view the larger trajectory of your child’s life and see this exploration as a part of the larger whole. Some of these new interests will flourish and others will come and go as they get a firmer grasp on what makes them who they are. Robbie, who came out to his family when he was fifteen, said that he initially viewed the coming-out experience as the “Big Turning Point,” and thought it was very important to reevaluate everything in his life in this new light. After a while, though, he said that he kept finding himself going back to things that had been a big part of his life before coming out. “Coming out didn’t change who I was as a person,” he reflected, “and the things I was interested in before coming out resurfaced.”

We have said this many times already, but it always bears repeating: Ask questions. If you are noticing new patterns or
behaviors and you want to better understand them, you can (and should) talk to your child. Try not to ask them in a way that implies you are unhappy with the changes or in a manner that suggests you don’t believe this is the “real” them. Instead, ask open-ended questions like, “So, where did you meet Todd and Jennifer? They seem really nice,” or “I have been noticing you are over the old Adidas sneakers and really loving Converse—are they more comfortable or do you just like the way they look?” Engaging them in conversations like these helps you better understand their reasoning, and helps them feel supported.

Also, let them lead with specifics. Instead of saying, “Do you want to go to that store where all the employees have nose rings and pink hair?” say, “Do you want to go shopping? Where would you like to go?” No one ever wants to feel that part of their identity is shaping the opinions others have of them. Even if your child did want to shop at that store with the pink-haired, pierced employees, your assumption that this is where they want to go might make them feel robbed of their ability to assert their independence and make their own choices, and may also make them feel that you are judging them based on their sexuality. Leave them the space to surprise you.

Finally, allow yourself a learning curve. You are going to have experiences in which you buy them something they might have loved three months ago, but now isn’t “them” at all. This isn’t a reflection on you, and doesn’t mean you don’t know your kid—it simply means that they are working toward understanding their identity and may not be aware of how that shift is impacting you. In
those moments when you feel unsure, scared, or lost, think about the parts of your child that you know will never change: their passion, their values, that silly grin that they get despite themselves when they are playfully embarrassed, the way they click their pen while they do their homework, the jokes they tell their little cousin, and how much they love you. Find those constants and hold on to them to help steady yourself at a time when other things are changing. This is all a part of growing up and, though some of it may hinge on sexuality, a lot of it is just about your child discovering the world around them.

Q:
My child is bisexual. Does this mean they can later choose to be straight?

A:
If your child has come out to you as bisexual, this likely means that they are expressing an attraction to men and women. That attraction may be physical, emotional, romantic, or any combination therein. If what you are asking is, “If my son just said he likes boys and girls, does that mean he might end up with a girl?” then the answer is, it’s definitely possible! However, even if your son winds up getting married to a woman, there is a good chance he will still identify as bisexual. Partnering with someone whose gender is different from your own does not mean that you are “straight”; it means that you are committing to that person and that person’s gender at this point in your life. If you have been with more than one person in your life, you will understand that your feelings for your current partner don’t mean that you never had any attractions or feelings before that person came into your life. You would never say, “I am only attracted to women who wear glasses” if your wife wears glasses, because there were likely many people with perfect eyesight in whom you were interested in prior to getting married!