This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life (16 page)

Dental dams

• Dental dams are thin sheets of latex or non-latex material used during cunnilingus (oral sex on a vulva) or anilingus (oral sex on an anus).
  
• Some dental dams are flavored. A drop of flavored lubricant can be used on the outside to make it taste better, and a drop of water-based lubricant can be used on the inside to make it feel better.
  
• Do not use oil-based lubricants on latex dental dams.
  

Lubricants

• Lubricants can be used in safer-sex practices to reduce friction, lessening the possibilities of broken condoms or skin abrasions.
  
• Water-based lubricants are go-to lubricants, safe for use on anything (except in eyes or ears). Water-based lubricants can be used for oral, anal, and vaginal sex or on sex toys.
  
• Silicone lubricant is found on most condoms and while it’s safe for anal and vaginal sex, it doesn’t taste very good for oral sex and it might stain sheets and clothing. It is waterproof, so it’s safe for use in the shower, but should never be used on silicone sex toys because it will break down the toys when the silicones react with each other.
  
• Flavored lubricants are meant for oral sex and should be used externally only.
  
• Oil-based lubricants can break down latex and irritate the vagina; therefore, they should never be used for penetrative sex or with condoms or dental dams.
  

A KID’S PERSPECTIVE

“What my parents taught me about sex”

When I was about ten or twelve, my family made one of our regular journeys up to nearby Montreal, an hour away from our suburban home in upstate New York. Back in those days (the roaring ’90s), it was common for American families to pillage Canadian shopping centers with their plentiful greenbacks. If I recall correctly, this particular trip was to procure one of those can’t-live-without electric kettles, which, up until then, we seemed to be fine living without.

At some point during our meanderings around the Canadian mall, my father and I split off from my mom and sister and found ourselves passing a magazine kiosk. My father seized this as an opportunity to educate me about the birds and the bees. He reached for a
Playboy
magazine and opened to the centerfold beauty, some blonde type sprawled out across the two pages. I don’t remember precisely how she looked, but I do recall my father pointing to her and saying, “In a few years, you’re going to go crazy for this. You should know now before the hormones hit.”

I was speechless. I can’t recall another time when my father was so off the mark.

Today, that moment of father/son bonding seems remote, fuzzy—a rare moment when the topic of sex was brought up deliberately. Even more rare was any talk about homosexuality. There were several occasions when my parents discovered pornography on the computer, but the moments were brief, their reaction curt and temperate, and nothing more was said.

Of the few things said about sex, what was beneficial was my father’s emphasis on loving my partner in a sexually active relationship. When my dad talked about sex, he focused on being sensible and safe about it, and that advice was directly translatable. What’s more, he never took any issue with gay men. He had even served around gay men in the merchant navy, and would often share stories that cast them in a positive light. I have largely adopted his “live and let live” attitude, which helped me get through those adolescent years, fraught as they were with the self-doubt common to LGBTQ youth.

My relationship with my dad has since matured, and I would say that, by having a gay son, he has learned nearly as much about sexuality (though not sex) as I have. While I never got an ideal parental introduction to sex, I am thankful it wasn’t any worse.

Dean, 26

A PARENT’S PERSPECTIVE

“My first thought was AIDS.”

When our son first told me he was gay, one of my first thoughts was AIDS. I know that is largely a generational thing, because I saw too many friends die from AIDS in the ’80s and early ’90s. Now people are more knowledgeable. But still, that was my first thought. And because he was only sixteen, I worried about predatory older men. How many stereotypes could I conjure up in one worry?

I am of a generation that hasn’t given much thought to gay sex. For straight, sheltered people my age (though not me, specifically), I think there is still what we might describe as an “ick” factor. While we may want to feel that sex is both “God’s gift to humans,” and the most natural of behaviors, I don’t know that, as parents, we can easily apply that to our own children. We diapered them, after all. The prospect of anyone, whether age appropriate or not, looking lustfully at your child (of any age) is, at first, horrifying. I realize I find it just as hard to imagine my straight children (late teens to early twenties) having sex. So, better not to try to “envision” them being intimate with anyone, gay or straight. The details are none of our business.

So what to talk about with them? I am sure I don’t have the answers, but, when in doubt: condoms. During the many wrenching conversations I had with my son when he first came out, I made him promise me he would always practice safe sex. That means using a condom. He was a little taken aback, at first, that I was serious in wanting him to promise this. His response was, “So you think I’m going to get AIDS, too? Being gay isn’t enough of an issue?”

A year or so after this early discussion, I got a panicked call from my husband. He was doing the laundry and found a condom in our son’s pocket. In truth, we weren’t sure what to do. But I do think we would have felt the same way whether this had been the pants pocket of our gay or straight son. I don’t think either of us was ready to know our son was sexually active. Although if he had a condom, perhaps he was more responsible and ready than we thought. Anyway, I got the short stick and was the one to talk with our son. I practiced: “We found this in your laundry. We’re glad that you’re being responsible, and just want to make sure you’re emotionally ready to be sexually active.” I sounded just like Dr. Phil. I got up the nerve to go in to talk with him, and got that whole practiced speech out. He looked at me incredulously. “They were giving them away for free at the club, Mom. I haven’t used it!” I still have the speech, in case it comes up again.

I’m sure my son will want to talk with me less as he gets older. Obviously, when he’s off at college, he will be relying on me less and less for advice. I’ve never thought I was especially gifted in providing relationship advice, but I do wonder whether his dating men gives us more in common than I initially thought. And as long as he knows that the door is open, literally or figuratively, I plan to be available. But not prying! I’m hoping he’ll find someone to love and marry, just as I hope for my straight sons.

Elizabeth, 50