This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life (17 page)

Q:
How do I know if someone is a friend or more than a friend?

A:
The more comfortable you are with the conversations that surround dating and relationships, the easier it will be for your kid to talk to you. You won’t always be able to “know” who they are dating based on behavior, but that would also be true regardless of their sexuality.

The first step is telling your child that you would like to know when they are dating someone. Explain that this isn’t limited to when they are completely in love and ready to commit to a person for life; this means that if they are seeing or being physical with someone, you want to know. Make sure they know that these expectations would be exactly the same regardless of their sexuality. Without clarifying that point, your child might think that you are being more strict or harsh with them because you don’t approve or don’t understand. Once that is established, and you are certain that they understand that expectation, the next step is to lead with trust. If your child says that they are not interested in anyone at the moment, you have to make the conscious decision to believe them. Unless you genuinely think your child is in physical danger, you
should never read their journals, talk to their friends behind their back, or pry into their personal business. Allow them to talk to you and tell you the truth about whom they are dating, and let them know that you believe what they say. Leading with that mutual respect is integral to letting your child know that you are depending on them, and they have a responsibility to be honest and upfront.

When your child does tell you that they are seeing someone, be positive. If your initial response is to ask a million questions and point out things that might not be a good fit, your child is going to walk away with a negative feeling about the experience. If there are things that concern you about someone they are dating, you can express those concerns—but don’t do so in a way that makes them feel like you are trying to control the situation. They have to make their own choices, and if you are supportive of them, they will feel confident in approaching you with their own doubts and fears, and will listen more intently to your advice. By being positive, you will increase the likelihood that your child will come to you with future relationship questions.

Despite your best efforts, you may find that your child hasn’t been completely honest with you. If you do discover that they have been hiding something from you intentionally, you should discuss this with them immediately and explain that it has affected your trust. This situation should be treated exactly as you would treat it if your child lied to you about a straight relationship. This is about trust, not about the gender of the person whom they are dating.

Q:
How do I handle sleepovers?

A:
It seemed easy enough to tell your daughter that she couldn’t have boys sleep over, or to tell your son that he had to leave his door open when he was hanging out with a girl, but now that your child has come out to you, what do you do?

A great rule of thumb when deciding how to proceed is to throw gender out with the bathwater. Instead of saying that “boys can’t sleep over, and girls can, but the door needs to be open,” make your rules universal. A great compromise would be to say that anyone can sleep over regardless of gender, but that the sleep- overs must happen in the living room or in a room where the door remains open.

Don’t simply instate a rule without explaining it; have the conversation. Tell your child why you’ve set the rule before they have their next sleepover. These rules might make your kid feel as though you don’t trust them, because you are asking them to remain in a space where they can be seen. Sleepovers are always a challenge for parents, though, even without concerns about sexual activity. Explain this to your child, and let them know that, even though you don’t think they would deliberately disobey you, you would rather not be in a position that could make you both uncomfortable.

Once you make (or reinstate) this rule, don’t back down. You aren’t wrong. If you do think that you’ve made a rule too harsh, be prepared to pivot and shift the rules as you see them in action. On
the flip side, if your child is leaving the door open as you asked, don’t check in fifty times or come up with fake reasons to make them come downstairs. They will know exactly what you are up to, and they will feel that you’re not treating them with mutual respect.

Your child may feel that you are placing these rules on them because they are gay or bisexual, and that this wouldn’t be the case if they were straight. If you know they feel this way and believe it to be untrue, explain this to them, patiently, again and again. Be consistent. Your rules aren’t gay rules. They are your house rules and they apply to everyone.

If you are a person of faith, your experience of having a gay child will likely be impacted by your religious beliefs. You may find that leaning on your faith at a time in which you are otherwise feeling confused is what helps you to stay strong and find clarity. You may, however, find that some of your beliefs are in direct conflict with this new understanding of your child. The beauty of faith is that as we grow and learn, so too does our understanding of that faith. Though your relationship to your religion may change, your faith will never be foreclosed to you, your child, or anyone in your family.

Nearly every religion hinges on love, which is the most important thing to keep as your focal point while you examine your beliefs during this time. Holding tight to your love for your child and the love that exists as the cornerstone of your religion will
help enormously in guiding you as you navigate the intersections between your faith and your family.

Q:
I’m afraid my child is going to hell.

My mom’s initial response when I came out to her was not anger, but fear and sadness. She was raised in a very strict Roman Catholic family, and had been taught all of her life that people who disobeyed God would be punished for their sins. Now, here was her oldest daughter—whom she loved more than life itself—saying that she was gay. What my mom heard was nothing short of me saying, “Mom, I am going to hell.” She had absolutely no idea what to do, where to turn, or how to reconcile her love for me with her fear that I would not be meeting her in heaven
.