This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life (14 page)

Q:
I’m worried that my child won’t ever have a family.

A:
When we first come out, many of us aren’t in a place where we know if we would like to get married or have children. Even if we are, those desires and wants and imaginings often shift throughout the course of our lives. If you start to worry about your child’s sexuality and how it might impact their future family structure, there are three things to focus on: first, what we mean when we say “family”; second, how our wants might not overlap in the exact same patterns as the wants and needs of those we love; and third, how the logistical and legal landscape may affect certain family structures.

Family doesn’t have to mean having a different-gendered partner, 2.5 kids, and a really adorable dog named Pickles. That sounds like an awesome family (especially Pickles), but it is just one definition of a word that can mean many things to many people. Family, simply put, is created by people who love one another. Single parents and their children, grandparents who raise grandchildren, foster families, groups of tight-knit friends who support each other through the ups and downs of life—all of these structures create families.

Your child may not want to have the same exact family structure that you have chosen, and they might have a different idea of what family means. That idea might stay with them forever, or it might shift depending on the people who come into their life over
time. The best possible thing you can do when you are worrying about these differences is to open the lines of communication with your kid without putting pressure on them to align with your wants, or to “know” exactly what they want for the rest of their life. Talk to them. Ask questions. Make sure they know that your number-one concern is their happiness, and not expecting them to fit a preexisting mold of what you had envisioned for their future. Do not present your idea of family as the only option, and be careful to make sure that they know that many possibilities for having a family are open to them regardless of their sexuality.

If your child wants to marry or have children one day, there are a lot of choices available to them. Same-sex marriage laws are being passed with increasing frequency, as are adoption laws. Many couples choose to get married in places where gay marriage is legal, or have commitment ceremonies in places whose laws don’t yet recognize their union. These couples sometimes choose to adopt children, use a surrogate to carry a biological child if neither is able to carry, or have children through sperm donors if one partner is able to carry a child. The option of committing to a partner or having a family is not ruled out for your kid just because they are gay.

If you keep your focus on loving and supporting your child, it will allow them to feel more comfortable talking to you about their future vision of family. Those conversations will give you the opportunity to better understand them, to help them make
important decisions, and to remain an integral part of their life. When you say you want your child to have a family, generally what you are saying is that you want for them to find happiness. Happiness, though, finds us in many different ways. Work toward a place where you can accept that your child may find happiness in ways you never dreamed for them, but that with your love and support, they will be able to understand themselves and their path to happiness much more clearly.

Some parents feel very comfortable talking to their children about sex. Many, however, are hesitant when it comes to having any discussion about sexual matters, and they, like their kids, dread these conversations. Whether you are on the comfortable or mortified end of the sex-talk spectrum, you are now faced with the prospect of engaging in a dialogue about kinds of sex with which you may have little to no experience. This can be a daunting task, as we are often intimidated by what we do not know.

This chapter will help alleviate some of the more common misperceptions about people in the gay community when it comes to sex, and also give you the tools to feel more at ease in talking about
all
kinds of sex with your children. The more you know, the more open you can be with your child. The more open you are able
to be with your child about sex, the easier it will be for them to talk to you about their questions and concerns. Many teens say that their parents were their biggest influence when it came to making decisions about sex. What you say
does
matter—and what you leave unsaid can sometimes matter even more.

Q:
Does being gay mean my child is going to be promiscuous?

A:
Simply put: no. Your child’s sexuality does not inform how often they engage (or want to engage) in sex, nor does it inform the emotions that they attach to having sex. There are a wide variety of sexual behaviors and interests within the “straight” community, and it is the same for those of varying sexualities. People are people, and our desires do not hinge on only one facet of our identity.

It is also important to recognize that promiscuity doesn’t automatically align with something negative. Having “casual sex” may mean a lot of different things to you, depending on who you are. There are people who view casual sex as risky, irresponsible, and immoral, and others who are comfortable remaining uncommitted and having sex with multiple partners, while also making safe, informed decisions. Your views on having sex may not align with your child’s at this point in time, but the only way
you will be able to know about their views is by talking to them, openly, about their feelings.

When you have that conversation with your child, avoid overlaying judgment or assumptions in your words or your tone. Take some time before you approach the subject to think about your own views of sex. When and how did they originate? Have you always felt the same about sex and emotional attachment? Are your views rooted in moral or religious beliefs, or are you just concerned about safety? When you talk to your child, you might say something like, “You are at a point in your life when you may be thinking about having sex. I know it isn’t something that we talk about a lot, but at the end of the day, it is important that we both understand each other and communicate about these things because they are very important.” Tell your child how
you
feel about sex, and be honest.

Gibson, who is seventeen, said that the door was always open for him to talk to his parents about sex. “I never felt like it was dirty or something that I couldn’t talk about,” he said. “I felt like it was something that was great and that I was free to do as long as I was protecting myself.” Your opinions on sex may be a bit different from Gibson’s parents, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be open to discussion. Talk through the questions that you asked yourself before you begin speaking with your kid; reflect on your own journey and beliefs. Your honesty on these issues will inspire respect, and that respect will inspire deeper thought, more meaningful dialogue, and an increased sense of responsibility from your child.
Even if they don’t tie emotions to sex in the same way that you do, your child will value and consider your perspective. Plus, any discussion surrounding sex is an additional opportunity for you to educate them on safe-sex practices.

Your concerns about your child’s sexual behavior should not, and need not, be directed only toward their sexuality. When it comes to safe-sex practices, being specific and inclusive of all sexual activity is important (refer to the next question on safe sex to learn more about this). Your child is at an age—or will soon be at an age—when sex comes up in conversation and in experimentation, so it’s important to help them consider what sex means to them. Be open to what they have to say, and remember that their sexuality does not determine their interest in sex or their choices surrounding it. At the end of the day, their body is their body, and the best thing you can provide them with is honest dialogue about your own experience and tools to make safe, informed decisions.