This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life (24 page)
Read This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life Online
Authors: Dannielle Owens-Reid,Kristin Russo
Bullying is a very complex issue and is often oversimplified to reflect a “bad person” (the bully) and a “good person” (the victim).
Keep in mind that nearly every child has been on both sides of bullying—there is a lot more at work than simply having bad kids versus good kids. Youth are taught to target those around them in many ways. The media often teaches us that we are supposed to look and act a certain way based on several factors (gender, sexuality, race, class, and ability, among others). Talk to your child about these larger issues, get them thinking about why we target each other, and always encourage them to challenge those ideas.
A KID’S PERSPECTIVE
“My teacher said my bully ‘probably had a crush on me.’ ”
The first person to ever get my sexuality right was my high school bully. I desperately hoped that my high school boyfriend would catch on when I told him that “kissing undermined our relationship.” Or that my hot English teacher would reach out when I complimented her on her innovative use of shoulder pads. So when Luke chased me down the hallway, screaming, “What’s up, dyke?” my first response was not, “You hurt my feelings!” but “Why, how did you know?”
Luke was an old-school kind of bully: he stole my lunch money, pushed me into lockers, and called me gay. Nothing makes a teenager feel more vulnerable than sex and sexuality. So when young people accuse each other of being gay (even in my case, where it was deeply, deeply accurate), they go where it hurts the most. Luke and I met because our gym teacher, in his infinite wisdom, decided to put us on the same volleyball team. No one ever suspected that Luke could be my bully because he was a guy and I was a girl—and those kinds of things just didn’t happen. When I explained to my teacher that I was tired of Luke calling me a “little lesbian” who was “afraid of big volleyballs,” he said that he “probably had a crush on me.” Despite the seemingly overwhelming evidence, he did not.
My parents were the only people who noticed something was wrong. When I came home from school, I went straight from the front door directly to my room. No matter how hard she tried, my mom couldn’t get me to take an interest in any of my favorite activities:
TV, talking to the dog, complaining. I was silent. Normally parents take that as a blessing, but my mom knew something was up. She began to break into my room at odd hours of the day to interrogate me.
“You’re acting like you have menopause,” she’d say. “God, what is going on at school?”
My mother must have asked me that same question a hundred times before I ever answered. I was afraid to tell her what was happening because I felt so ashamed. I was gay. I had a bully. I had told my teacher and I didn’t know how to stop it. Still, it meant so much to me that she cared to ask, and ask a lot. “Nagging” has a bad reputation, but if my mother had never nagged me, I probably would never have told her.
When I finally told my mom, she didn’t freak out. She simply sat there and asked me what I wanted to do about it. I could tell that she didn’t want to know why Luke had called me gay. On a deep level, she knew: loose-fitting pants, drama-club boyfriends, celebrity girl-crushes. She wasn’t yet ready to explore my sexuality with me, but she wasn’t about to let me get hurt, either. I would have loved for my mother to come out and say, “Even if you’re gay, it’s okay.” Instead she said, “He should go to jail,” and it still felt so good.
We began to discuss strategy. Our plans ranged from the defensive—“Could I walk down different halls? Eat lunch in different rooms?”—to the openly aggressive—“Should we inform the teacher? The principal? His dumb girlfriend?” Throughout the process, my mom didn’t take one step without talking with me first and getting my consent.
My mother decided not to hit Luke with a truck, but to instead come into the school and form a coalition of parents who were concerned about harassment. It may not have been a Gay-Straight Alliance, or a
PFLAG, or a chapter of Amnesty International, but it was a group of people saying something about the issue. I’m not sure what they did besides meet twice a month and scream at the principal about the terrible kids in his school. I do, however, remember the feeling of seeing those moms walk past security and storm into his office, demanding attention and justice and more pizza in the cafeteria. It made me proud.
Something about what my mother did inspired me to action. I cried in my gym teacher’s office until it made him so uncomfortable that he had no choice but to put me on another volleyball team. When Luke would point at a random girl in the hallway and ask me if I liked her, I would tell him I didn’t need her—I already had his sister’s number. I refused to give him my lunch money. I told other teachers that he upset me. And on the last day of school, I hit him in the face with a volleyball. I knew my mom was watching.
Heather, 28
Q:
Are LGBTQ children at higher risk for depression and suicide? What should I do if my child’s behavior is concerning me?
A:
Studies have shown that LGBTQ youth
are
at a higher risk for depression and suicide than their peers—but much of this research also shows that the most marked increase in these risks is found when LGBTQ youth do not have a safe or supporting home environment. It is not the genetic composition of an LGBTQ individual that predisposes them to depression and suicide, but rather a direct response to how they are treated in their communities, at school, and within their own homes. The very first thing that you should do, regardless of your child’s behavior, is ensure that their home environment is safe and accepting. Be direct in your approach, and tell them, “You may find a lot of support at school and in the world, or you may find that others are less welcoming. I want you to know that no matter what happens outside of this house, you will always find support here.” Reinforce that message at every turn.
If you notice a change in your child’s behavior, however slight (perhaps they have stopped seeing friends, they have been staying in their room much more often, or they don’t seem to take any interest in their old hobbies or activities), ask questions. Is something happening at school? Are they fighting with friends? It can be exceptionally difficult to talk to your child when emotions are high, and you may meet with a negative or resentful response. Your kid’s reluctance may make you feel that the best thing to do is to back off. While you shouldn’t barrage your child with constant questions, it is also important to remember that being in the emotional place of a teenager might result in screaming, complaining, and pushing you away, but it doesn’t stop your child from needing you. Keep encouraging them and asking questions. Keep showing up at their intramural soccer games, keep asking how their day was, and keep eating dinner together. In situations that do not seem life-threatening, being a consistent and supportive parent is often the best thing that you can do. This may also be an excellent opportunity to see if they would like to see a counselor. Sometimes it is much easier to open up to someone other than a parent, and that option should always be on the table.
If you notice a severe shift in behavior, or are concerned about your child’s well-being, counseling is highly encouraged. The
Resources on
page 232
will help you find social workers and therapists who are sensitive to and experienced with LGBTQ issues. Even if your child’s troubles aren’t rooted in sexuality or gender identity, specifically, it is still important that they speak to someone who is familiar with these issues. Know that there are many different options for counseling depending on your financial position, as well; especially for youth, there are often incredible counseling options available for little to no cost. You might also want to consider going to therapy together. You can explain to your child that you have concerns and questions about how best to handle certain situations. Family therapy will enable you to work on your communication with your child, and will also give both of you a much-needed outlet for talking about your feelings. If your child prefers to go to therapy without you there, let them. Counseling is a great way to find a third-party perspective. Oftentimes, being in the middle of an experience makes it very difficult to see possibilities for solutions or for change, and even if your kid goes alone, it can still be incredibly effective.
If your child is acting in a way that is self-destructive, causing themselves physical harm, or speaking actively about harming themselves or others, seek help immediately.
The Trevor Project Lifeline:
866-488-7386- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
800-273-8255
Q:
Should I become more politically active now?
My dad isn’t the kind of person who will hold signs up on the side of the road in support of my rights; he didn’t join PFLAG and he never got “Big Gay Daughter Dad” tattooed on his arm (mostly because he’s afraid of needles), but he’s always been supportive in his own, unique way. He is the kind of person who will voice his opinion if the situation arises, but who doesn’t seek those situations out. He’s not one to push his beliefs on others, but he will absolutely stand up for equality and against prejudice when necessary. I am the way I am because of his presence in my life. I don’t think you have to spend every waking second “fighting for rights” in order to fight for rights. You make your own way with it
.
—
Dannielle
A:
When it comes to being politically active as the parent of an LGBTQ child, do what makes you comfortable. There is no obligation to get involved on a political level—but if that is where your heart is pulling you, it’s a remarkable role to fill.
You may feel moved to action now that you are armed with more information about LGBTQ youth, or the LGBTQ community at large. First, think about what you mean when you say “politically active.” Are you frustrated because you think there should be more support on the local or school level for your child and other LGBTQ children? Do you want to become more educated about local, state, and national representatives so that your vote can be better informed? Would you like to help implement new or
improved policies on a larger scale? Do you want to run for office? There are so many forms that political involvement can take, and some may feel more comfortably aligned with your personality and your interests. If you aren’t confident speaking in front of others but feel that you’d like to voice your opinion, you can write letters to editors, start a blog, compose a song, create art that sends a message, or do various other things that utilize your skills and interests in a way that also is active and political.
If you are not moved to take action outside of simply being a supportive and informed parent, that is not only acceptable—it is commendable. Many might argue that it is also, in its own right, a political act. Don’t ever let others make you feel that you should live or behave in a way that doesn’t feel comfortable to you simply because you have an LGBTQ child. Some of us have a fire that needs to be acted upon in a public manner, and others have a passion for things that we address in more nuanced, personal ways. In order for you to be a good parent, you also have to do the things that align with who
you
are. Even if you don’t want to increase your political involvement at this point in time, having knowledge about political candidates and voting in your local, state, and national elections is an extremely powerful way to share your voice.