This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life (21 page)

Q:
My child is dressing differently. Does this mean they are transgender?

I spent a long time hating the way I dressed. I didn’t like when clothes fit my body snugly, and I felt weird accentuating different parts of myself. I don’t know where it came from or how it happened, but I vividly remember that feeling of discomfort. It took a very long time for me to realize that what I wanted and what I wanted to want were two different things. I wanted to look good, feel good, and dress like the boys I saw on television. At the same time, though, I wanted to want my mom to think I was pretty, for my dad to think that I was cool, and for people to know that I was a girl. I get mistaken for a boy constantly, and it makes me feel so self-conscious. I’m very proud and happy with the fact that I’m female. I don’t dress in boys’ clothes because I want people to think I’m a boy, or because I feel like a boy. I’m just much more comfortable, and feel much more like myself in boys’ clothing. I don’t want to look like everyone else’s idea of what a girl is supposed to be
.

—
Dannielle

A:
From the moment we are born, we are expected to behave in specific ways based on the gender that we have been assigned. This intersects with many areas of our lives, and clothing is a central component of that behavior expectation. Although we are moving away from the time when women were expected to wear dresses and men were expected to wear slacks, we still have very strong notions of what we should or should not wear based on gender; entire department stores are divided accordingly, and
advertising campaigns work to solidify this divide. The truth of the matter is this: clothing doesn’t determine gender and, for many of us, gender does not exclusively determine what we choose to wear in our everyday lives. Clothing taste is one piece of a larger understanding of our identity, and though that piece may be an expression of our gender identity, that is not always (or even almost always) the case. The way we feel on the inside is not always how we choose to express ourselves on the outside and, as such, the way that your child chooses to dress cannot be used as a clear indicator of their gender identity.

If you have questions about why your child prefers to dress in a particular way, ask! This shouldn’t be done in an accusatory way (“I can’t imagine why you’d dress like that unless you wanted to be a girl”), but rather in a way that allows for an honest and open discussion (“Are you more comfortable in these clothes, is it a style preference, or is there something more?”). Your child’s choice in dress may be reflective of style, it might be a decision based on comfort, or it could be an expression of a larger exploration of gender identity. Whatever the case, being able to express and to explore is a very important part of our identity, and being able to feel comfortable with our bodies is integral to self-esteem, confidence, and self-worth.

Keanan, who is eighteen and identifies as transgender, explained that he was always more interested in buying clothes from the boys’ department, and his discomfort in women’s clothing
increased drastically as he got older. He explained, “My mom did not understand why I felt so uncomfortable, and I didn’t have the terminology to communicate those feelings. Despite how much my mom wanted me to buy clothes from the other department, I was infinitely unhappier.”

Allowing your child to make clothing decisions for themselves will help them discover what makes them feel good. Your support will allow them to feel better about their journey, because they won’t feel like they’re doing something “wrong” by wanting to dress in the clothes marked for a gender different from their own.

It is an incredible show of support and respect for you to go shopping with your child, but only you can know what you are ready for. If you know that you will be able to go along and be supportive while helping them choose new clothes, then go, go, go! However, you may be aware that you aren’t quite there yet. You may still be working to understand certain parts of your child’s identity or dress, and that process may make you unable to be supportive in that specific environment. If you’re concerned that you will be visibly upset while your child is picking out clothes, then you should not go along. You should, however, talk to them about your decision. Let them know that you are still adjusting to certain things, but your goal is to get to a place where you can understand them better and become more capable of supporting them. An immediate solution might be to send your child to shop with your spouse or a sibling. Regardless of whether your child is exploring a new style
of dress or deeper gender issues though their clothes and style, they will need your support and acceptance. No matter what any of us say, we always want the approval of our parents. Always.

Q:
How do I deal with my child wanting me to call them by a different name and use different pronouns?

A:
If your child is questioning their gender, or identifies as transgender, genderqueer, or anything other than the gender they were assigned at birth, a part of their journey will sometimes involve a name change, and the request that others (yourself included) follow suit and adopt that new name and new pronouns. You may feel conflicted about this request, or upset at the thought of calling your child anything other than their birth name. You likely chose your kid’s name yourself, and it’s possible that you chose that name for reasons that are very important to you or your family; it might feel like they are rejecting the name you chose for them. On top of all of this, you are used to calling your child by their birth name, and you’re accustomed to using certain pronouns. Being asked to change all of that can be extremely frustrating, and can sometimes feel like your kid is making things overly complicated for you and the people around them. These feelings of frustration, sadness, and confusion are understandable—this is a major shift for you, and requires patience, work, and dialogue in order to help you understand your child’s perspective.

Considering your kid’s perspective will enable you to be a support system as they go on this journey. It can be emotionally stressful for trans* individuals to hear their birth name and pronouns that do not align with their identity. Zak, who is a twenty-three-year-old transman, talked about this experience, saying that it felt strange to see himself one way and have the world constantly refuse to validate that view. He described the feeling of hearing the wrong name or pronouns as a feeling of rejection, saying, “It was as if they were saying, ‘I don’t care what you told me or what you prefer. I’m not going to listen. Your feelings aren’t important to me.’ ” Your child may also feel uncomfortable, awkward, and nervous when you use their birth name or pronouns other than those that they prefer in public, as this sends a signal to others that they may not be the gender that they are presenting. Referring to your son in public by his female birth name can make him feel like you are telling others that he is “not actually a boy.” Even in the privacy of your own home, hearing a name or pronouns that do not align with your child’s gender identity can be very confusing and frustrating. Zak went on to explain that when people use the right name and pronouns, he feels human. “It is that small show of support, that linguistic nod of validation that can mean so much to a trans* person. For small words, they have an enormous impact.” For these reasons, using the name your child has chosen and the pronouns they prefer is immensely important to their emotional well-being, even if you don’t completely understand their need for the change.

It can be difficult to get used to this shift, and it likely won’t happen overnight. After some time, your brain will readjust, and it will become second nature to use a new name or pronoun; until then, it’s normal to struggle and to occasionally forget. With practice and time, it will get easier and feel more natural. In the moments when you do stumble, try not to dwell on your mistake. This is a big change for you to get used to, and it will take some time. If you accidentally use former pronouns or your child’s old name, you can certainly apologize. Apologizing once is sufficient, though; making an effort, and acknowledging when you have slipped, will mean the world to your child.

Q:
My child wants to use the public restroom designated for a gender different from the one they were assigned at birth. Should I let them?

A:
The short answer to this question is: yes.
The longer answer involves taking many things into consideration—most important, their safety. If your child is regularly being recognized as the gender with which they identify, then it is usually safe for them to use the bathroom for that gender. Knowing what is and is not safe is, of course, very complicated. Generally speaking, it is advisable for your child to use the restroom of their preferred gender when they feel comfortable doing so, or when they feel that using the restroom of their birth-assigned gender might create an unsafe environment. Even before formally transitioning
to male, eighteen-year-old Keanan would receive stares and negative or confused comments while in the women’s room. “Continuing to use the women’s room was starting to become an issue, and I did not want to face any larger problems such as physical harassment or the police,” he explained. “I did a lot of research on how to act in the men’s room, and started using it out of comfort and safety.”

You and your child know your community and surroundings best, so this has to be a conversation that you have within that context. Regardless of where you live, if you think that your child may be viewed as a different gender from the designation on the bathroom they would like to use, then you should discuss the risks involved. If there is a threat of verbal or physical harassment, using single-stall, family, or gender-neutral bathrooms can be a good option. Urge your child to be aware of their surroundings, to try to avoid gendered bathrooms if the situation feels unsafe, and to bring a friend along to the bathroom when possible.

If your child is specifically asking about using restrooms at their school, then this is a slightly more complex question. School bathroom policies depend on the state you live in and the school that your child attends. Speak to the school administration about your child’s bathroom situation, and try to come up with a reasonable solution based on what would work best for your child. They may prefer to use a private bathroom that’s designated gender neutral (like the bathroom in the teachers’ lounge or nurse’s office)—but that might upset them and they may prefer to use the bathroom
that matches their gender identity. Before you approach the administration, you and your child should both familiarize yourselves with the laws in your state regarding school acknowledgement of students’ gender identities; you need to understand your legal rights clearly. Recent legal actions toward changing existing bathroom policies have proven successful in some cases, and there is a precedent in some areas to challenge existing discriminatory laws, if you feel inclined to do so. Look to the Resources on
page 229
to help keep you current on the ever-shifting legal landscape.

In many cases, your kid is going to be the one making the decision about which restroom to enter. Speaking to them about their feelings and concerns, and ensuring that you are informed, will enable you to better understand where your child is coming from, and will also open the door to a discussion that addresses safety. The more you know, the more your child will know, which leads to the safest possible situation.

Q:
My child wants to transition to a different gender. How do I handle that?

A:
Transitioning means that your child is seeking to change certain aspects of themselves so they can live in a way that is more congruent with who they are, and so others can more readily recognize them as the gender that aligns with their identity. There are many different ways to transition, and no two transitions are alike. The only way to understand what, exactly, your kid means
when they say the word
transition
is to ask them directly. There are several changes that can occur during a transition, most of which fall under three categories: social, hormonal, and surgical.

Social transitioning can include a variety of changes, from name and pronoun changes to wearing different types of clothes to using different bathrooms. For some, a social transition is the only transition desired. Just because your child identifies as trans* does not automatically imply that they will want to take hormones or have surgery. Again, this is why a dialogue is so crucial to your understanding.

Some transgender people feel that hormones or surgery are important components in realizing their identity, as they can help align their inner identity with their outward appearance. It is important to understand that, just as some people elect to socially transition without hormones or surgery, there are also people who elect to transition hormonally, and who never feel the need for surgery. Hormonally, estrogen can help in the development of breasts and in softening skin and curves, while testosterone can help in developing facial hair, deepening the voice, and increasing muscle mass. Surgical transitions are generally done piece by piece, and can include any number of different surgeries, ranging from rhinoplasty (nose job) to brow shaves to chest reconstruction and breast reduction to surgically altering one’s genitals.

There is a marked difference in this conversation depending on whether your child is under or over the age of eighteen. If they are under eighteen, they will need parental consent to begin any
form of hormonal treatment. Electing to have surgery generally requires a person to be eighteen or older. If your child is over eighteen, the decision to begin hormones or to have surgery lies entirely in their hands. In either case, it is important for you to be a part of the process. Inform yourself about the options and the changes that will occur, and make sure your child has access to the same information. The more you both know and understand about the process, the more you will be able to discuss your child’s decision, their health, and the path forward.