This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life (11 page)

Q:
What will people think?

I remember one day when, on a run to the post office, I wore a T-shirt that said the name of my organization, Everyone Is Gay. Now, I don’t generally wear rainbows or blast my gayness all over the place, but I had just gotten the shirt in the mail, and I was so excited that I didn’t think about it at all before heading on my way. Since everyone is already in a bad mood at the post office, I was convinced I would be scoffed at, whispered about, and made to feel uncomfortable. However, as is often the case in life, I was pleasantly surprised. When I walked up to the counter, the woman behind the desk screamed (literally, she screamed), “Everyone is gay? That’s true! I’m gay! I’m married to a man but what I am saying is that I love rainbows and I love gay people!” We began talking,
she asked me more about my organization, and I wound up bringing her a T-shirt of her own a few weeks later! Up until that moment, I had really forgotten that people often surprise you
.

—
Dannielle

A:
The truth is, you can never know what another person might think of your kid’s sexuality until you are smack in the middle of telling them. Feeling a bit uneasy about some of those first conversations is completely normal; as the parent of a gay child, you, also, will have the experience of coming out. This can be an incredibly helpful experience when it comes to relating to your child, because a lot of your initial worries are exactly what they are feeling when they come out to people in their life. We often think that we have to be very serious in communicating our child’s sexuality to others, but that isn’t always the case. While you can’t control or dictate what another person will think of your child’s sexuality, you can approach these discussions with a certain amount of levity. Communicate with others based on the way you are feeling. If you feel confused and you express that you need someone to listen and advise, the person you are speaking to will likely pick up on those needs. If you sit them down and give them a somber speech, they will assume their reaction should also be somber. Don’t feel that the conversation needs to happen in a particular way, or at a particular moment; you can talk to your best friend while he is cooking spaghetti and meatballs on a Wednesday evening if that is when the moment feels right! The fact of the matter is, different people
will come to this information in varying ways, but when you leave it open for their honest response and questions, you will allow them, in turn, to feel at ease.

Some people will respond perfectly without missing a beat. They will ask questions that make sense to you, they will share stories about their own children, and they will let you know they are there to talk if you need them. Catalina, whose son Daniel came out at age fifteen, received very supportive responses from friends who had previously held less-than-positive views of the gay community. Many of them had known Daniel since he was little, and Catalina felt that, for them, Daniel had given a face to the word
gay
. She said, “It has changed many of our friends, and it has helped them. A lot of them are now very protective of Daniel.” Seeing responses like these from friends can be extremely encouraging and will let you know, immediately, that you and your child have support and understanding.

Others will not walk such a perfectly paved path of support right away, and may make comments or ask questions that offend you. Answer their questions as best as you can, and try not to feel pressured or defensive. It is easy to feel angry when someone asks, “Well, how does Matthew even know that he’s gay?” Those questions may make you want to shout, “It doesn’t matter how he knows! I love him and that is all that matters!” In these moments, remind yourself that you had some of these same questions (the very questions in this book!), and that this is a process for
everyone
, not just your child, and not just yourself. Give these people a fighting
chance; don’t immediately shut down and stop the conversation. Explain to them that certain things may sound hurtful to you. Talk about your own journey to support your child. Have patience. Many of these not-so-perfect reactions are beginning steps on a path that ends with understanding and unwavering support.

You will, occasionally, have discussions with people who fundamentally disagree with you or your child’s life. In these cases, it’s best to agree to disagree. It may not be ideal, but so long as they aren’t pushing you or your child to believe or behave in a particular way, it is still possible to foster love and respect within such relationships. If, however, you find that someone is pressing you to align your beliefs with their own, that is a greater challenge and may present a barrier in continuing your relationship. Don’t expect that response from everyone, though—the majority of people have room in their hearts for a dialogue about differing beliefs. If it does come to a point where you are feeling hurt, remind yourself that you want supportive and loving individuals in your life. Many of your conversations will end up surprising you in very positive ways, and many will teach you wonderful things about people you have known and loved for years.

In the end, this is about your relationship with your child. Work to surround yourself with people who will give you
and
your child the love and support that you both need.

Regardless of your kid’s sexuality, you may worry about what their future holds, how you can help them achieve their fullest potential, and how their life will unfold over the next several years. After your kid comes out, however, those questions can sometimes seem unmanageable, unclear, and overwhelming. You may be worried about discrimination, career options, family possibilities, or other questions for which you do not readily have the answers. As a parent, worrying about your children’s future is in the job description; feeling out to sea when you are a parent to a gay child is more than understandable. Many of your concerns are brand new, and you may not feel as prepared to handle them.

Luckily for you, your child, and the rest of us, our world is growing and changing for the better, and the amount of support
available to answer your questions is larger than it has ever been. It is incredibly important when navigating these concerns to educate yourself and speak to your child about their own vision of their future. Looking outward for support is also endlessly helpful. None of those actions will give you control over the future or a complete and accurate picture of what is to come, but they will allow you to feel less isolated and confused. Your child will ultimately walk their own path in life, but they will do so alongside the support, love, and guidance that you provide. Focus on keeping communication open and gathering information that will help you form a clearer picture of how that future might look. This will help ease some of your concerns and also allow you to look openly and excitedly toward the future together with your child.

Q:
I never pictured my child’s life to be like this.

I have so many memories of my mother shaking her head at me and saying things like, “But . . . you’re so pretty” or “What about your future?” I never understood these comments. Couldn’t I be gay and be pretty? And happy? And have a good future? I realized, though, that while I was growing up, she had formed a picture of my future in her head. It was extremely hard for her to shake that picture. She had imagined a very specific future for me for almost twenty years, yet this one thing about me—that I was gay—had changed that picture completely. The fact that
I liked girls made it impossible for her to understand the picture she had created. My mom struggled because she didn’t know what my future was anymore
.