The Purple Heart (13 page)

I wanted him to have the best possible
opportunities to acclimate back into life. I stopped, only to slump
myself against the door and listen. I could hear his muffled cries
through the bathroom door. It tore yet another piece of my heart
out. It was heartbreaking to hear a man cry, and even more so to
hear Aiden, because I knew how much I had just hurt him.

I wasn’t sure how long I had been
listening to him, but soon I heard his footsteps walk down the hall
to the stairs.
Strange.
It was probably one of the only
times I heard him move about the house. Each step felt as though
someone was plunging a dagger deeper into my heart. I tried to keep
myself from running after him. But I had made this decision and had
to stick with it. It was what was best for him. Maybe it was best
for the both of us. When I finally heard the front door shut, the
pain I already felt was unbearable.

Without actually realizing what I was
doing, I pulled myself up and barreled down the hallway. I knew he
couldn’t have gotten very far. I hadn’t even offered to drive him
myself, only a ride in a cab from a stranger to take him to a place
I didn’t even know myself. How cruel of me. There was no way it had
gotten here already.
What was wrong with me?
I was pushing
the best thing that ever happened to me out of my life.

I commanded every muscle in my body to
push to the limit and, surprisingly did not crash down the stairs
at my extreme pace. The door flung open and I rushed outside. There
was no sight of him. He must have walked to the edge of the
driveway to wait for his ride. I sprinted there as quickly as
possible. I was out of breath, but forcing myself to move faster
before I lost him, possibly forever

There was no one standing at the edge
of my driveway. No cab could be seen. He had simply
vanished.

I sank down to my knees, staring into
the darkness, hyperventilating. The severity of what had just
transpired jolted my entire being. I didn’t move for some time,
hoping he would return to me.
How could he just leave?
He
didn’t even try to stay with me or talk me out of my decision. It
was as if my will was all that existed.
How was I going to move
forward without him? What had I done?

All I wanted to do was to curl up into
fetal position, cry, and wait for him. I thought about screaming
out his name, but only my neighbors and possibly all the dogs
within a ten-mile radius would hear me. After mustering all my
strength, I finally was able to pull myself to my feet. It took
everything I had. I trudged back towards my house. The closer I
got, the emptier it seemed. It was now only a hollow house, void of
anything but emptiness. That was also a perfect description of what
I felt in the cavity of my chest right now. I was afraid my heart
no longer existed.

The house was so silent as I stepped
through the doorway, almost like walking into a cemetery in the
middle of the night. He was gone. I had thrown him away.
What
had I done? What had I done?
I could only repeat the words over
and over in my head.

I found it hard to breathe. I was
suffocating in my own desperation. He hadn’t been gone for more
than an hour and it was already unendurable.
How was I going to
survive this?

I lay down, sobbing uncontrollably on
and off for the entire night. I never left the couch except to
search for some little part of him he might have left behind. I
even tried smelling the throw pillows that surrounded me, just to
experience his scent. But there was nothing left. He was gone,
along with every single trace, as though he had never existed. His
absence burned through my entire body. He was truly
gone.

Even the slightest noise prompted me to
jump to my feet to run to the window and check to see if he had
returned. After the tenth time, I realized he wasn’t coming back.
Maybe he was giving me space for the night to think everything
over. I’m sure he would call me in the morning. If I didn’t hear
from him first, I would call him.
Hell, I wanted to hear his
voice now.
I wanted to hear his voice so badly I could taste
it. I wanted to tell him how I thought I made a mistake. How I
knew
I had made a huge mistake. I was going to call him and
tell him so. Tell him to come back to me.

I rummaged through everything on the
top of my desk to locate his paperwork. I thumbed through looking
for any contact number I could find. There was nothing there.
Oh
my God, I had no way to reach him.
There were no family or
friends listed with whom to leave a message. There was no address,
email or mobile number. I had lost complete contact with him. I
could only hope and pray for him to come back to me. The futility
of my search brought a whole new level of darkness to my
world.

No sleep came to me that evening. I
spent the entire time standing vigil, waiting for his return.
Staring at the window for a light to let me know he was here with
me. There were a few moments I swear I felt him touch my shoulder
or caress my cheek. The house seemed so cold without his presence.
Again I was reminded of a cemetery. It all felt so
final.

The weather had changed drastically. I
could hear the rain pelting the roof and windows. I could feel the
cold dampness through my clothing right to my skin. I shivered, but
made no move to grab a blanket. I wanted to suffer. I needed to pay
for what I had done to Aiden and to myself. It was all my own
self-doing. I had ruined everything. I’m sure God would let me stay
in the hell I had created for the rest of my life. I sunk deeper
and deeper into darkness.

“
Well, you totally fucked
up, Sydney. I see you’re talking to yourself now. Know why that is?
Because you just ensured you’ll always be alone. You sealed your
own fate with this one. There’s no one to listen to your pitiful
ramblings anymore. You sent him away. Not only was Aiden hot as all
fuck, but he loved you. He told you he loved you and what was your
response? You looked away and turned your back on him. How cruel
can you be, Sydney? You made a soldier cry. I don’t even want to be
with you right now. I wish I could make you leave and bring Aiden
back. You will be alone forever. Hope you can deal with
that.”

Yep, there it was. I was going to be
old, crazy spinster Auntie Nini, who sat in her lonely empty house
talking to herself. I bet Gina and Cheryl wouldn’t even want me
near their children if they knew who I really was.

I knew that being sleep deprived was
really not helping my disposition much. I needed to get out of this
house. I didn’t want to be alone right now. I needed to go to see
the girls. They were all I had left in this world. I could only
hope they would have me.

I stood in front of the door to their
apartment, wondering if it was too late or too early to knock. I
felt as though I was being pushed towards the door and it was
creeping me out, so I finally mustered enough strength to knock on
it. Within seconds, Cheryl was standing in front of me.

“
Are you all right? You
look like shit! Have you been crying? Do you have any idea what
time it is?” She threw it all at me in one breath, arms crossed
over her chest, looking like I had woken her out of a deep
sleep.

“
I’m sorry. I’m a complete
failure at everything I do.”

“
Oh, babe, you need to get
in here right now. I’m going to go wake Gina.” She recognized the
urgency of my visit.

“
No, let her rest. She’s
with child,” I told her sternly.

“
She’s only a month, she’ll
be fine. I think this is more up her alley, don’t you? Sad, sobbing
friends at the door at ungodly hours... so up her
alley.”

“
No, please. I need
you
right now.”

“
Me? Why? What happened?
Did the soldier boy leave you? I knew it was only a matter of
time.”

“
Yes. Aiden and I are
over.”

“
Did he hurt you? Did you
get into a fight?” she quizzed.

“
No, he didn’t hurt me and
we didn’t get in a fight. He told me he loved me.”

“
Are you kidding me? So you
broke up with your less-than-a-week-long boyfriend because he told
you he loved you? Is he at your house right now?” Her tone of voice
was incredulous.

“
No, I threw him
out.”

“
You told him to leave
because he loves you? Did you say it back?” Now Cheryl sounded like
Gina.

“
No.”

“
You seemed so happy with
him. I know that’s not the advice I gave you. I told you to take it
slow. I didn’t mean so slow you brought it to a screeching
halt.”

I didn’t respond.

“
I’m not sure I understand
why you ended things. Tell me, it will make you feel better to say
it out loud,” Cheryl coaxed.

“
I failed him.”

“
How did you fail him? You
gave him a place to stay and all your attention, not to mention
your affection.”

“
It was selfish what I did.
I didn’t help him. I made him my own personal case. I made him
mine,” I explained.

“
No, honey, you didn’t make
him do that, he wanted to do that. It was his choice to get
involved with you. He didn’t have to.”

“
What if he felt obligated
because I gave him a place to stay?” I said.

“
Do you honestly believe
that or do you believe he had real feelings for you?”

“
I don’t know what to think
anymore. I just know I failed him. I was supposed to help him
first, not lure him into my bed.”

“
And did you lure him into
your bed?” she questioned.

“
We never got that
far.”

“
Well, I guess that would
have complicated this even more if you’d had sex with
him.”

“
I made a huge mistake! I
miss him so much already. I hurt him so badly.”

“
Then call him up and tell
him you’re sorry. I’m sure if you just tell him how you’re feeling
he’ll come back to at least talk things over.”

“
I can’t,” I
whined.

“
Why the hell not?” Cheryl
just couldn’t seem to comprehend how grave the situation
was.

“
I have no contact
information on him. No phone. No previous addresses. No family or
friends. No anything. It’s like he never existed.”

“
I have something to say
about all that, Syd, and you know it. But since it seems as though
your heart has taken enough beating today, I’m going to bite my
tongue.”

“
Thanks. But I deserve to
have someone lash out at me.”

“
I’m not going to bitch at
you, honey. You should know better than that. Listen, you probably
already know I think you made the right decision. Just because you
told him to leave your house, doesn’t mean he has to leave your
life, right? This will give you both a chance to move at a slower
pace and make sure the feelings you have for one another are
real.”

“
I hurt him. I might as
well have just spit in his face. If I were him, I’d never come
back.” I sulked.

“
I’m sure it’s not as bad
as it seems. Why don’t you stay here tonight, huh? Or at least
what’s left of it. You need to get some rest. I bet after a good
night’s rest, tomorrow you’ll have a whole new outlook and things
won’t seem as dismal. And anyway, I’m feeling cautious about
letting you drive. You have deep circles under your eyes. You look
like you’re strung out, and I’m afraid you’ll fall asleep while
driving home,” she said, her concern showing.

“
No chance of me falling
asleep at the wheel because I don’t think I can sleep at all. What
if he calls? I won’t be there. I need to be there if he calls me.
What if he thinks I’m just not answering the phone or the door,
trying to avoid him? He’ll leave for good then. No, I need to go
home.”

I could hear the panic in my voice, so
I was sure Cheryl was starting to worry about my present mental
condition. I put my hands over my face and began to sob. She put
her hand on my shoulder to comfort me. I knew she felt terrible for
me, and this was her best effort at comforting me. She was right
about Gina being the one to run to.

“
You need to chill, babe.
I’m going to see if Gina has anything to help you relax. She can’t
take any of it anymore, so it might as well do someone some
good.”

“
Please, don’t leave me,
Cher,” I cried, as I grabbed her arm and held on for dear
life.

“
I’m only going to the next
room, Sydney. There’s only one doorway and its right there in front
of you, so no sneaking out on you. I promise. I’m just not sure if
I should bring you something to knock you out, space you out, or
get you drunk. Maybe drunk isn’t the right way to go here. You’re
an emotional drunk to begin with, especially when you’re in a mood,
and this is definitely one those moods.”

“
I don’t want anything. I
need to feel the rawness of the pain, so I know how I made him feel
tonight. I deserve to feel like the piece of shit that I am.” I
gesticulated all the hand motions to match my words by faux ripping
my heart out of my chest and throwing it to the floor and stamping
on it.