The Purple Heart (16 page)

“
Did you hear a thing I
said after that?” I asked.

“
Drink. Yes, I did. You
doubted him. Why?” I did as I was told and took a drink.

“
Well, Cheryl kept telling
me all these things and I started to think about them and realized
she was right,” I conceded.

“
Well that was your
first
mistake. It’s one thing to listen to someone else’s
advice, but it’s ultimately up to you to make the decision of what
to do with it. You didn’t have to react to what she said. All you
needed to do was take it into account, think about it and assess.
Did you assess?”

“
Yes. I …”

“
No, you didn’t,” she
interrupted,” You reacted. Don’t lie to me.” She waved her index
finger in my face.

“
Shit. I feel bad for your
kid. You’re one tough cookie and that child isn’t going to get away
with anything.”

“
No, I’m just blunt. I say
what I think whether you like it or not. Don’t ask my opinion if
you don’t want to hear it or the truth. I will always be nothing
but honest with you. Now, did you assess?” she questioned
again.

“
No. I just got …
scared.”

“
Now we’re making some
progress. Drink. Do you really think deep down inside what Cheryl
said was true? ‘Cause you know, you can’t lie to yourself. You
always know it’s a lie.”

“
No. I thought he was the
most perfect man I had ever met and things between us were so
easy.” I took a gulp of my wine.

“
So if you felt that, and
you weren’t lying to yourself about it, it must be true.
Right?”

“
But what if he ended up
being what Cheryl said?” I questioned her this time.

“
If no red flags jumped
out, then I think you need to go with your own gut, not someone
else’s. She never even met him. She was being protective of you.
You’re not a big dater, so we’re not used to you being with a guy.
Plus you fell so fast. However, in life, you need to take risks,
right? So if things felt right for you, then you just should have
gone with your gut instinct. Drink. I suggest that’s the way you go
from now on. Heed other people’s words, don’t live by
them.”

“
Thanks, Gina. That
actually makes a lot of sense. I take it back. You’re going to have
the best advice for your kids. You’re going to be one fuckawesome
mom.”

“
Thanks, love. Now on to
the next point. You said he told you he loved you and you didn’t
respond in kind. Is that about right?”

“
Yes.” I ran my finger over
the rim of my crystal glass very quickly, trying to make it sing.
Occasionally I would swirl it around and watch it form legs on the
glass.

“
Why didn’t you say it
back?” she challenged.

“
I started to think about
how I was supposed to be helping him and not seducing
him.”

“
Nonsense. You can’t help
how you feel. Obviously he felt the same way or he wouldn’t have
said those words. So do you love him?”

“
Yes. I love him. I love
him
so muc
h. I even thought about having his
child.”

“
Then what’s the problem?
If you feel it, you say it. Drink. So next time we see him, what
are we going to tell him?”

“
There won’t be a next
time.” I finished the glass off and Gina immediately refilled
it.

“
Nonsense. You don’t tell
someone you love him or her, and then never make an effort to win
them back. He’s either giving you space to think things over or
he’s letting you see how much you miss him. Guys are weird like
that. So next time we see him, what are we going to tell
him?”

“
If I ever see him again,
I’m going to tell him how much I love him.”

“
We’re making
huge
strides. Drink. Now, you told him to leave. Why in hell would you
do that?” Her voice was stern.

“
I didn’t want him to leave
forever. I meant he should go stay somewhere else so we could see
if what we had was real and not being forced. I thought being here
with me all the time was just skewing his perspective.”

“
You don’t have the right
to tell someone how to think or what to feel. And you certainly
can’t decide what would be best for him without asking him. Am I
wrong?”

“
No.”

“
Okay, so we don’t make
decisions for other people because we think it’s the best thing for
us. We find out if it’s the best thing for them, too. We didn’t do
that, did we?” The stern mother voice was still being slung in my
direction.

“
No.”

“
Then don’t do that ever
again. Drink.”

“
You do want me to be able
to comprehend what you’re telling me, right? I keep drinking like
this and I’ll be passed out on the floor at the rate you’ve got me
going.”

“
Don’t be ridiculous. It’s
wine, not tequila.” She shook her head and rolled her eyes at me
and then waited for me to sip the wine. I downed the whole glass
and gave her a smug smile. She smiled sweetly back and refilled my
glass to the top.

“
Drink. On to the next
point. He reached out for you and you turned your back on him.
Really, Sydney? That’s just terrible.”

“
Thanks, now I feel so much
better.”

“
Again, ‘honest thing’
happening here. Why would you do that to any human
being?”

“
I don’t know what I was
thinking. I just figured if I stayed a minute longer, or reached
back, he wouldn’t have left. I was trying to make it easier on
him.”

“
It sounds like you were
trying to make it easier on you. We don’t turn our backs on the
people we care about. In fact, we don’t turn our backs on anyone,
ever. Do you understand me, young lady? I’m serious here. That’s no
way to treat another living thing.” Again, with the finger
wagging.

“
I’m a terrible human
being.”

“
Nope, just a selfish one.
You turned your back to make things easier
for you
. Shame on
you.”

I held my hand out so she could slap my
wrist. We both stared at the bandage.

“
Nope, I don’t need to. God
already took care of it. What did you do, anyway?”

“
I stabbed myself for
thinking about eating.”

“
Brilliant. I should keep
you around to help me lose weight after the baby. Now where were
we?”

“
I made him cry,” I said
flatly.

“
Right. That’s a tough one.
Hearing a man cry is heartbreaking. I can silver-line it, though.
Men only cry when it really hits them deep down. So he must really
have some serious feelings for you if losing you made him cry. Wow,
Sydney, I think that says a lot right there about whether he’s
genuine regarding his feelings for you. Don’t you
agree?”

Right there was a flicker of light for
me. Gina
was
right, Aiden had cried over possibly losing me.
That alluded to the fact that he truly meant what he said. He loved
me. I was slightly dumbfounded for a moment.

“
I’m good at this, aren’t
I? I mean, in your professional opinion.”

“
Better than I am, and I do
it for a living.”

“
Stop putting yourself
down. That reminds me, you do not suck, nor are you the suckiest
person we know. You’re just confused and scared. Those two things
together bring us down some stupid roads.”

“
Stupid roads?”

“
Sorry, I got carried away
playing the part of a psychologist. Drink. I mean we make some
really dumb decisions when we’re confused or scared. Put them
together and you have a recipe for disaster. Doesn’t mean you can’t
fix it. And that brings us to our final point. How are you going to
fix this, Syd?”

“
I can’t. I broke it.” Gina
laughed quite loudly at that comment. I side-eyed her.

“
It’s not broken. He loves
you and you love him. Drink. It’s just a matter of talking things
out.”

“
There’s the money
statement right there, because that’s a problem. There won’t be any
talking it out because I can’t find him. I can’t call him. And he
hasn’t come home.”

Aiden coming home.
The words
were burning into my brain with searing pain. This was where Aiden
belonged, with me in this house. This was
his
home.
Our
home. I broke down and sobbed into my hands.

“
There, there, hun. Tears
aren’t going to do anything but give you puffy eyes. Can you call
into the base and see if he checked in?

“
No, they’ll fire
me.”

“
Look, there is another
way, but you have to really have faith in it.”

“
Pray? I’ve been praying
he’ll come back since he left.” I looked down at the floor when I
said it.

“
No, you have to reach him
on a different level. Call him with your heart.”

“
What? Have you gone
insane? Isn’t it too early for baby brain?

“
I’m telling you, it works.
Just go someplace that means something to both of you, like the
first place you kissed or met. Then, just reach out to him with
your heart and your mind. Make him
feel you
. Let him
feel
the pain you’re in without him. Make him
feel the
love
you have for him. Make him feel how much
you need
him
to come back to you,” she said confidently.

“
I don’t know, Gina. I love
your whimsical side, but telepathically call him? Are you being
serious?”

“
Yes. Blunt over here,
remember? Just try it. It can’t hurt, can it?”

“
No. I just … I don’t know
if I can. I have no clue
how
to even start doing
it.”

“
You’ll do it once I’m not
here. I know you will. Now I’m going to make you something to eat.
Why don’t you take a nice long hot shower, or maybe even a bath,
and get yourself together. Because believe me, if he does come
back, you don’t want to look like you do right now.”

“
Thanks a lot.”

She waved me off as she stood up,
handed me the bottle and my glass, and then shooed me towards the
stairs. I dragged myself up them and headed toward the shower. I
looked in the mirror and realized she was one hundred percent
correct. I looked like shit. My eyes had huge red rings around
them, which made me look like a strung-out, hooker raccoon. My skin
seemed translucent, like a thin veil or mask covered it. If Aiden
came home to find me looking like this, he might turn right back
around and run screaming.

I hated to admit it, but Gina was a
huge help. I wasn’t whining or wailing anymore. The depression
still overtook me, but I had to believe that was normal.

I unwrapped my hand and stepped into
the shower for a very long steamy time. The water seemed to help
wash away the fatigue, at least. I opted for comfy clothing,
putting on a pair of yoga pants and my Army sweatshirt. It made me
feel closer to Aiden to be wearing it. Sometimes girls did silly
things. I took a few minutes to blow out my hair and apply light
makeup minus eyeliner. I even used waterproof mascara, knowing my
tears weren’t done yet. Even with makeup on, I still looked drained
and miserable. I re-bandaged my hand and took something for the
pain.

Gina was waiting for me in the kitchen
with grilled cheese, bacon, and tomato sandwiches, kettle chips,
and a pot of coffee.

“
Well, that helped some. At
least you don’t resemble the walking dead anymore. I swear I
thought you were going to eat my brains when I got here. Now sit
and eat some food. It’s time to get some sustenance into you. I
made coffee against my better judgment, because I think you could
use a nap right now.”

Her sandwich was amazing. One of the
best I’d had in a long time. I didn’t often allow myself to indulge
in things like melted cheese or bacon. I was always trying to eat
healthy and watch my weight.

It took me a long time to eat. I just
wasn’t very hungry. Gina sat and ate with me, reminding me to take
a bite every so often until the entire sandwich was
gone.

“
All right. We’ve worked
things out. You’re not crying anymore. You’ve been fed and cleaned
up. I think my work here is done. I’m going to head home and leave
you to figure out how to find Aiden. You can go traditional or my
way. The choice is yours. I’ll call later to check in on you. I’m
going to come get you if you revert to your previous behavior. Do
you understand me?”

“
Yes, Ma’am.” I felt tears
start to well up in my eyes.
Ma’am. That’s all it took.
I
didn’t want to take up any more of Gina’s day, so I squelched the
tears, put on a brave face and smiled.

“
That’s my girl. At least
you’re trying. You so know I can see right through it, though. It’s
okay. I still love you. See you later.”

“
I love you, too, and thank
you, Gina. I don’t know what I’d do without you and
Cheryl.”

“
No reason to thank me.
You’ve been there for us many times. Sometimes payback is a good
thing. Look, even the weather is trying to cheer you up. I can see
the sun starting to poke out from behind the clouds.”