The Perfect Emotion (22 page)

After using the bathroom and washing my hands I make my way out and through the crowded restaurant.  It was good to catch up with them, but I miss my friends from college.  Back home I’m always categorized as with or without Kyle.  It’s a hard stereotype to escape.  Walking through a row of tables seated with families and friends I see a familiar face is the sea.  Her posture stiffens even more than it already is at the sight of me.  I freeze in place taking in her familiar green eyes and short styled brown hair.  Her lips purse and I can see the distaste she has for me.  I panic because the body next to her has not noticed me yet and I’d like to keep it that way.  In an effort to slip away I tell myself to breath evenly and turn back around.  It’s too late now though because Kyle’s father has noticed Mrs. Ross’ expression and turns around to see me standing still.  Then Kyle’s head moves up in slow motion and his eyes brightened at the sight of me.  His mouth gapes in shock and I start to back away.  He grabs onto the table and pushes his chair out, but his mom latches onto his arm tightly.  Both his parents tell him to stay seated.  I need to move out quickly, but I’m frozen again.  I can’t stop from staring back into his green mixed with yellow eyes. There’s no comfort found in them, but I’m drawn to them like I always was. 

“Kate, wait, please just give me a minute,” he begs softly.

“Kyle, absolutely not, let her go.  She’s caused you enough trouble,” his mom says with a clipped and edgy tone.  “Kate, just go, please.”  Kyle’s brother shakes his head in disapproval too.  Mr. Ross huffs a deep breath through his nose as if disgusted by me. 

I don’t give them another chance to judge me.  I turn all the way around and practically crash into a waiter as I find another way to the front of the restaurant to escape out the front doors.  I don’t turn back around to see if Kyle is following me, but I’m pretty sure he is. 

I move through the revolving doors trying to not trip over my own feet or get stuck in between the doors. The cool fresh air hits me and I almost hyperventilate trying to grasp enough air. I move up to the curb waiting for a break in the traffic to cross over towards my aisle. Kyle moves up to the side of me with his hands in his pockets.

“Please. Just give a me a few minutes,” he pleads. I don’t look directly at him and just wait for my chance to cross. There’s a small break in traffic and I take my chance to cross not caring that I am cutting it close. Kyle paces a footstep behind me.

“Shit Kate, you’re going to get us hit.”

“Then stop following me!” I bark out, but keep my walk brisk and fast towards my car. Kyle runs up ahead of me and faces me running backwards.

“Please, please just stop for one second. Give me a chance. I just have to talk with you,” he says in between his heavy breathing.

“No.” My car is in sight and I pull my keys out. Kyle glances in the direction I’m heading and beats me to my car door. He stands in front of my door blocking me from opening it.

“You have to talk to me, Kate. Give me a chance,” he says all breathy.

“No, I don’t have to talk to you. Now move out of my way.” He leans his body against the door and crosses his legs over. His hands slide into the pockets of his pants in a leisure manner.  This only escalates my anger towards him, but then when I look in his eyes I see sorrow.  We stand there in the barely lit parking lot in a face off.  Kyle’s presence is more lax than I’m used to and I waver on hearing him out.  Then I remind myself that if I give Kyle an inch he usually takes a mile.  I square my shoulders, cross my arms under my chest and stare back intent on keeping my ground.

“You’re right you don’t have to talk to me, but I want you to… so badly. I haven’t seen you or heard your voice in too long… I still miss you.”

“You’ll be fine Kyle or did you forget how things were my senior year and your freshman year at college.  We hadn’t talked or seen each other then and that was longer.”  I can see him flinch at my words and it feels good to cause him pain. 

We stand there for another couple minutes and the whole time Kyle’s eyes stay focused on my face. I shift from hip to hip every so often waiting for him to move. Then finally he breaks his stance and runs a hand through his hair.  He grips the back of his neck huffing out a breath.  I step back almost touching the car next to mine. 

“I love you, Kate. This isn’t just going away for me. I’m trying. I mean, really trying.  I’ve made changes.  I stopped drinking,” he pauses and clicks his tongue.  I can see him trying to analyze my reaction to his confession.  I’ve tried to keep my poise and expression unaffected, but inside my heart jumps from its throne and for the first time in months I feel something else for Kyle other than anger and hurt.  “Don’t you feel anything for me?”  He makes a step towards me, but his shoulders are slumped and his head weighs downward.  I try to back up, but flatten myself against the car next to mine.

“Stop,” I state firmly.  He listens and backs up.  My breathing calms and the fear that resided in me starts to fade.  He starts to back away from my car allowing me access to the driver side door.  As he backs away I move closer to the door. 

“Okay. Okay, Kate. Please just try to think about everything with us. Okay?” he says confidently.  Just as I am about to open the door he quickly steps in my direction too fast for me to react.  He reaches his hand around my upper arm and pulls me to him and kisses my cheek.  It’s a whirlwind of an action and I don’t respond, as I should.  I freeze up.  I’m frozen in his grasp.  He moves his lips over to my ear and whispers, “I’m not going anywhere.  I’m waiting for you, Kate.  Remember that.”  Abruptly, he releases my arm and I gasp out loudly.  I open my door and throw myself into my car.  When I look in the rearview mirror all I see is Kyle’s retreating figure walking back towards the restaurant. His hands are in his pockets, his head is hung low and his pace slow. He never looks back.

The panic feeling sets in and I start to hyperventilate.  I grip my steering wheel tightly.  I try to focus on calming my breathing and to bring myself back to a state of calm.  My emotions creep up from my insides and pour out of me.  It’s uncontrollable.  Fear covered me as Kyle made his way back to me, but then his grasp was gentle and his words were chilling and kind all at once.  My mind can’t reconcile the conflicting feelings coming over me.  Tears flow from my eyes and I focus on bringing myself back to reality. 
Breath in and out, in and out, in and out…

Once I can breathe again I reach for my phone.  I’m still crying, but I need the comfort of one person and one person only.  I call Reed without thinking twice.  I never heard from him after dinner.  His phone rings and rings and then goes into his voicemail.  I don’t like the idea of leaving a voicemail with me crying, but I’m desperate for his comfort, words and affection.

Re-ed, it’s me, Kate, ca-call me please.

It’s a short message, but those are all the words I can get out.  I clean my face up as best as I can before heading home.  When I sneak in through the door in the garage I find my mom on the couch asleep.  Tip-toeing over to her I kiss her cheek and tell her I’m home.  Then I head upstairs before she has a chance to ask any questions.  Once in my room I strip myself down and pull on Reed’s hoodie. I fall to sleep with my cell phone in my hand close to my face, but I never hear the ringing or text messages beep in the middle of the night.

C
HAPTER 17

Luckily, I had slept more soundly than I would have expected.  My mom is sitting across from me at the kitchen table having coffee while I eat my bowl of cereal.  She asks about dinner with the girls and I tell her everything except for my run in with Kyle and his family.  I hate that I’m omitting this, but I feel like I handled it and there is no need for her and my dad to worry.  My phone rings for the second time this morning and again it is Reed.  Hesitantly, I silence it again.  I’m not avoiding him, but I feel silly that I called him crying.  Before I go about my day I’ll call him.  Part of me wonders why he never called until late last night and a small little insecure voice in the back of my head thinks of the girl in the picture that Reed had his face pressing into her neck.  I only saw it that one time up in his room yet I can’t get it out of my head and now that I know a little more of the story it makes it even more difficult to erase.  Questions begin to swim around about their relationship and it reminds me just how much I still have to learn about Reed. 

After finishing up with my breakfast I head upstairs to change into my running clothes. The sun is bright today with big white fluffy clouds yet they never block the sun or cause any shade. The wind is low and the temperature is hovering at just about sixty.  I plug in my headphones and then a text beeps through.

Please call me. I’m freaking out. Reed

I contemplate on whether I’m ready to message him back.  Then I remind myself I have to face these things I’d rather avoid or run from, especially when it comes to Reed. 

Please d
on’t.  I’m fine. 
Going for a run.
  Katherine

Moving to open the front door I don’t wait for a response and I tell my mom I’ll be back soon.  I drive myself to my favorite starting point along Lake Michigan.  It’s cooler along here and I’m glad that I wore my thicker running jacket.  My feet pound the pavement hard and I try to let myself get lost… distracted during this run while the sweet sounds of
The Civil Wars
singing about
Poison & Wine fill my ears.

During my run I try desperately to not think about my encounter with Kyle last night, but it’s unavoidable.  I tried my hardest to stay strong and not cave.  It was harder than I thought it would be to face him.  Seeing him caused all sorts of wild and unfounded emotions to run through me.  A burn skimmers up my legs and settles in my chest.  It’s not just the force I’m putting into this run either.  I’m disappointed in the way my body responded to seeing Kyle.  I’m pissed that Kyle thinks after everything he has the right to face me, to try to woo me, to think that he deserves another chance with me.  What’s even more upsetting is that I fear him still after all this time.  I fear the threat of control he has held over me and possibly still does. 

As I make my turn along the lake to head back towards my car I contemplate my next conversation with Reed.  I don’t want to hide anything from him, yet I don’t want him to worry about my safety.  Nor do I want the pressure of pursuing a restraining order.  Most of all I want him to know that I can move forward and that I have no intentions of my heart being held captive by Kyle ever again. 

Slowing my pace I breathe in the cool lake air into my lungs waiting for the lightheadedness to pass.  I make my way over to my car and start it up.  Before I pull out I look down at my phone to see another text from Reed.

Call me after – I’m sorry. 
Reed

I clutch my phone and put my head back against the seat and take a deep breath in.  My head feels clear after this run and a thought from one of my therapy sessions comes to mind.  After expressing my fear of addressing a conflict, emotion or anything I see as challenging my therapist explained…
that once you come clean and address the truth it soon only provides relief. It will be the only way you will want to face life and my mind will have extra space and feel clear.
 
Thus far, this is proving to be true. Looking down at my phone I realize there is no reason to stop my progress now. I especially do not want to jeopardize my relationship with Reed.

Pressing the call button I wait breathlessly and gnaw at the bottom corner of my lip.  Then I hear the voice of Reed and my insides turn out and my stomach drops. 

“Katherine,” he answers, before I can say hello.  His voice is smooth and traced with anxiety.