The Perfect Emotion (21 page)

I’m wearing your hoodie… and just my panties. Katherine

Oh f*#k. 
U R KILLING ME.
  I’ll be adjusting myself all day with that vision.  Thanks baby ;)  Reed

I laugh out loud.  The winking face has me cracking up.  It’s not something I picture Reed Harper messaging, but I love that it’s with me. 

I’ll leave u with that. 
Text me l8r.
  Katherine

I get up and throw on a pair of shorts before heading downstairs for breakfast.  Mom left me a note on the counter that she was going to a doctor appointment and then grocery shopping.  I pour a bowl of cereal and a glass of orange juice.  As I eat I watch a little of Hollywood Reporter and just enjoy the quiet moment alone.  It seems like such a long time since I’ve been left alone in my house. 

The week before this past Christmas my dad had to work and my mom had a doctor appointment and then wanted to finish up some Christmas shopping. I was doing much better, functional, but still processing everything. It was a challenge
to get through a day without throwing myself into my bed in tears.  My parents always made sure one of them was home with me.  I felt like a burden, but knew it was needed
. The depression I felt
was all consuming.  This particular day though I felt stronger.  I was sitting in the family room having a snack while reading a book and I could hear my parents whispering in the kitchen.

“I’m sorry I just can’t get out of this meeting today…” My dad’s words trailed off as he softly spoke to my mom.

“It’s
okay, Dan, I’ll just reschedule the doctor appointment and then finish shopping in the evening…” My mom said reassuringly. 

I stopped my reading and eating in order to hear as much of their conversation as possible. It hit me in that moment that I needed to work harder on dealing with all of this because I didn’t want my parents to have any more hardships than they already had. I needed to face this with more responsibility to move forward. It dawned on me that if I didn’t start dealing with things that they might not let me go back up to school this next semester. I stood up and walked towards them.

“Dad, mom…”

That was a tough conversation that day and I didn’t convince them that I would be fine by myself that day, but from that day forward I worked hard to heal and progress.  Luckily, my hard work paid off.  Even now I agree that the hard work, therapy and opening up is paying off. 

After relaxing for a while I throw on some running clothes and set up my playlist. 
Glad You Came
by
The Wanted
fills my ears and I smile because I still can’t believe Reed came here. Just as I am about to head out the door I get a text from Reed.

What r u doing? I can’t stop thinking of u. Reed

Me too.
  I’m about to go 4 a run.  Katherine

Tell me u put some more clothes on. Reed

Of course… and if I didn’t?
  Katherine

I’d be making a trip down sooner than I thought. Reed

Hmmmm, tempting.
  Katherine

I’d prefer u bundled in a snowsuit when leaving the house. Reed

Again, I laugh out loud.

That would make
running quite challenging.  I’ll text u afterwards.  Katherine

Ok, be safe. Reed

As my run comes to an end I enjoy the last chords of
Closer to You
by
The Wallflowers.
  I could listen to this song on repeat endlessly.  It makes me miss Reed and yearn for him to be closer to me.  I contemplate calling him, but don’t want to bother him in the middle of the day.  Avoiding Jamba Juice I make my way over to the Starbucks in town instead.  It’s a little later than usual to have my coffee, but since my sleep is all off anyway it shouldn’t hurt.

After I order my Vanilla Latte I add a yogurt parfait to it.  As I wait for my coffee I check through my phone and am happy to only have a couple emails from the girls.  Nothing from Kyle.  I click over to my texts and see one from Reed. 

I’ll be in a meeting until after dinner. Call u then. 
Still missing u.
  Reed

I send a quick text back telling him I’ll talk to him tonight. Reaching for my coffee I hear my name being whispered from behind me. When I turn around I see Sarah and Krista, I played tennis with them all through high school, but didn’t really bond with them until my senior year after Kyle was out of the picture. We became close and hung out on the weekends. The bond I had with them was not as strong as theirs was though and I knew it was because I had spent most of high school with Kyle. I had made the effort too late. They looked up and I smiled at them making my way over.

“Hi Sarah, hi Krista,” I say as we reach to hug each other. We say our hellos and talk about what we’ve been doing for spring break. After their coffees come up they say they have to get going, but invite me to meet them out for dinner. We decide on tonight and to meet at a restaurant down the road at seven.

The girls leave and I decide to sit down in one of the overstuffed chairs near the fireplace.  I’m glad I ran into them and am excited to meet them out tonight.  After my mom left I really distanced myself from them.  I had only really gotten closer to them after Kyle left me and then by the end of year my mom was gone.  They tried to keep in touch, but I had shut down.  I’m broken from my thoughts when my phone starts ringing.  It’s my mom.  I answer quickly realizing I forgot to leave a note that I was going for a run.  It’s obvious she was worried, but is happy that I’m doing fine.  I tell her about the girls and our dinner tonight.  Before I can tell her that I’m headed home she asks me to go get our nails done. 

I arrive at the nail salon just as my mom is pulling in.  We walk in together and she signs us in for mani’s and pedi’s.  The girl behind the counter points over to pick out a color for our toes.  Once we are in our chairs with our feet soaking we flow into an easy conversation.  Each time we talk it gets easier and easier.  Even when there is a break in our conversation it doesn’t become uncomfortable.  I’ve missed that.  It reminds me of how we always were with each other.  It’s not as hard of a struggle to open up to her like it used to be, but my caution is always there.  Our reconciliation since she’s been back is defining us for a new future.  The past will be there, it will never go away, but it may not have to define us now or in the future.  My comfort lies in her hands and will continue to for sometime I imagine.  Every time anger or distrust slips in my mind I encounter it and let it settle in me instead of avoiding the emotion.  The urge to look for distractions remains in me, but this time with her and even Reed it becomes easier.

I look down into the bubbling water before my nail tech pulls my foot from the water to start working on my toes. Then with little thought for my question other than approval I ask, “Mom, what did you think of Reed?” She turns to look at me, but I keep my stare down at the bubbles.

“Well, I like him.” She doesn’t continue, which causes me to swing my head in her direction. I realize in this moment that I’m more eager than I had thought for her approval. She smiles at me and her eyes shine with satisfaction. Maybe she realizes too that I still need her approval in my life, just like I used to.

“I especially like him for you.  I see something there.  Something genuine and real.  It reminds me of when your father-,” she says with a giggle in her tone.

“Mom!  Stop, I don’t want to hear about how dad swept you off your feet.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll stop. Yes, I like him and so did your dad.”

“He did?” I ask with shock.

“Yes, very much so.  That boy seems to be head over heels for you, sweetie.”  She pauses for a moment and then reaches over and rests her hand on my arm.  “Just take your time.  It’s hard to remember this at your age, but it’s true.  Time is on your side.”  I smile because this is a cliché quote she used to say.  I haven’t heard her say one in a long time now and I find it reassuring.  “I want you to continue finding yourself and figuring out how to overcome any hardships … including me.  You are doing so well and turning into such a beautiful person… just like I always knew you would.”

“Thanks, mom.  I know I just really like him,” I confess.

“Well, it not hard to see why,” she says with a smitten smile spread across her lips.  I laugh knowing part of her is referring to Reed’s looks.   

C
HAPTER 16

Dressed in a gray sweater dress and my tall black boots I make my way inside the restaurant.  I glance behind me one more time to make sure I remember what aisle I parked in.  It’s more crowded than usual for a weeknight, but I’m sure it’s because most schools are on spring break.  I move out of the revolving door and over to the hostess stand.  The girls are already seated and the hostess shows me to them. 

When I get to the table the girls stop from talking and get up to greet me.  We giggle and compliment each other on our outfits.  Krista is already twenty-one and is having a glass of white wine.  I tell her how jealous I am and that I can’t wait until I can do that.  I already remember that Sarah will also turn of age before me too.

“Since when does Kate Monroe drink so much?” Krista giggles out. I smile and laugh at her.  She’s referring to the only time she’s seen me drink, which was at Johnny’s last year over winter break.  It’s strikes me that my friends at college never knew this other me.  This me when I was with Kyle, this me whose mother never left.  Back in high school I was a girl who was known as Kyle Ross’ girlfriend and then I was known as a Kyle Ross’ ex-girlfriend.  I wonder if they still think of me this way.

“College, trust me though I don’t really drink that much, but a glass of wine here and there is appealing. My freshman year I definitely drank more, but not really so much anymore.” Telling them this only reminds me of why I don’t drink or go to parties anymore.

“You have to come out with us later.  Johnny’s having a party tonight.  Everyone will be there,” Sarah gushes.  I try to keep myself composed, but I can feel a slight tremble in my hands.  There is no way I would go to Johnny’s especially since our encounter at Jamba Juice, but even more so because I know Kyle will be there.  I guess I just assumed that they probably knew that Kyle and I aren’t together.  I didn’t expect them to know the details of how it happened.  Johnny is the only person Kyle would tell everything to and he would not betray Kyle’s trust.  

Before I can tell them no Krista chimes in, “Yes, come on Kate, we’ve never done that before.  We would have a blast.  Plus, I’m sure Kyle’s going to be there anyway.” 
Ugh
.  I hadn’t really thought this through when I agreed to come out to dinner.  The waitress makes her way over and gets my drink order.  This only gave me a mere few seconds to compose my thoughts and my response.  I really would prefer to run right out of the restaurant than tell them about Kyle, but I know I have to do this.  I breathe in steadily. 

“Um, I’m not with Kyle.  We broke up.”  There.  I said it.  It’s out there for them to know now and wouldn’t you know that I feel relief, just like all the other times I address anything I perceive as a confrontation instead of avoiding.  They both look at me wide-eyed and I brace myself for a berate of questions. 

“Oh, when?  How come?”  Sarah asks first.

Krista follows up with, “Did he break up with you again?” An annoyance and self-righteousness comes over me and I know I won’t be able to hide it.

“Actually, no I broke up with him.  It didn’t end well and he still isn’t very accepting of it.”  The bite in my tone makes them flinch and I instantly regret it.  At the same time it feels good to say that I’m the one who broke up with him.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you… but can we please just enjoy our dinner and catch up about anything, but Kyle.”

“Of course, I’m sorry I really didn’t know.  I hope you are okay,” Krista says as soon as I’m finished. 

I ask them if they have boyfriends in order to steer the conversation off of me.  Sarah tells me about her boyfriend of over a year now and Krista explains that she just got out of a long term one a few months ago, but has started dating someone new a few times now.  The rest of the evening we move on and off topics easily.  They ask me once more about going to Johnny’s and I tell them honestly that I wouldn’t feel comfortable.  We say our goodbyes at the table and I head back to the bathrooms while they head up front to leave.