The Perfect Emotion (37 page)

I open the sunroof a crack letting in the fresh air.  Kate’s hair fans back just a little and she rests her head back taking in a little of the sunlight.  The sounds of
Dierks Bentley
fill the car and I can see Kate tapping her foot to it.  We head towards the lake and eventually we turn onto Prospect.  The sidewalks are filled with people out and about walking due to the weather.  I turn the music down and pull into the underground garage.

“Where are we?”  She asks as she shifts up in her seat to look around. 

“You’ll see.”

A brush of nerves runs over me as I park in a spot.  My mind swims with what I’ll tell her as I get out to go to her door, but she beats me to it and is already getting out. 

“What…,” she whispers as I grab her hand to move us to the elevators.

“Just wait, okay?” 

“Okay.”

The elevator drops us off at the lobby level and I see the daytime doorman, Alan. He’s got to be in his seventies, but I’ve never heard him complain. Every time I’m here he smiles, gestures about the weather and asks me about school. I can see his face taking in Kate appreciatively.

“Hi Alan.”  I grip Kate’s hand tighter to reassure her curiosity. 

“Grant, boy, good to see you.  Nice day, huh?”

“Yeah, it sure is. Alan, this is Kate, my girlfriend.” Kate puts her delicate hand with my gift adorning her wrist to shake Alan’s.

“Hi, nice to meet you Alan,” she says sweetly. Her voice is like music to my ears.

“Hi there, dear.  This Grant here is a good fella. You go to school up the road too?” Alan says inquisitively.

“Yes, I’m an accounting major.”

“Oh, now that’s a good match a lawyer and an accountant. Grant, how’s classes? You ready to graduate?”

“Yes, sir, I sure am.  All is good.”

“Good, good. You two enjoy the afternoon.” Alan says as he heads toward a couple walking in from the front doors.

Pulling Kate into my side I take us to the other elevators that reach floors nine through eighteen. I hit floor fifteen and the doors close. I move to kiss her loving the tight space we’re confined in, but she shakes her head and finger at me.

“Oh no no… not until I know what’s going on here.  Plus, I want to know why so many people call you Grant.”  I laugh and draw my thumb up to her chin. 

“Ok, fair enough.  My mom wanted to name me Reed, but my dad said it wasn’t professional enough and since I was his only son he wanted me to have a strong name to take over the business one day.  My mom is more of a free spirit and my dad is all… business.  Anyway, long story short my dad won, but my mom got Reed for my middle name,” I explain keeping my thumb rubbing across her chin and my other hand around her waist. 

“So, why do you go by Reed sometimes and Grant others?”  She asks sincerely.

“Because anyone associated with my dad calls me Grant. He insists. It’s been a long battle between them that started since I was born. My mom let him name me Grant, but has always called me by my middle name, Reed. To be honest, I’ve gotten used to going by both names.”

“And what do you prefer to be called?”  She swallows and then moves her face down taking in my thumb letting her teeth graze across the pad. 

“Reed,” I answer honestly.  I’ve always preferred Reed and hate that my dad calls me Grant.  Grant is only a show for the business sake. 

“Wait, why does Alan call you Grant? How is he associated with your dad?”

“I’ll show you.”

We exit the elevator and make our way to the end of the hall to the double doors. I open up the doors and take Kate’s hand crossing her over the threshold into my other life. She steps in, eyes scanning back and forth taking in the sight. She skips over my face and walks past me further into the open space. I set my wallet and keys on the counter of the foyer console. My eyes follow Kate as she pads slowly over to the windows overlooking the lake. The windows stretch over the whole floor plan giving the perfect view of the lake and some of the city. She backs up and runs her hand across the sleek cream-colored leather sectional and then over to the open kitchen across the pristine marble counters and into the modern dining area. Backing up to the window on the opposite side she leans into it and takes in the large open space. Then her eyes search for mine and I bite the inside of my cheek. I’m sure she knows where we are, but I need to tell her.

“This is yours?” She asks with clarity.

“Yes.  Well, my dad’s technically.  I had to fight him on letting me live on campus my junior and senior year though.  If my grades slipped at all he would have forced me to live here.  And either way I had to agree that after my bachelors I would live here for law school.”  She’s quiet taking in my words.  It’s a lot to take in I realize.  This place alone represents just how much money my father has and holds over my head on a daily basis.  Showing Kate this explains a lot of my situation with my family. 

After a few moments she says, “So, did you really have an option for any other law schools?”

“Not really, unless I wanted to cut all my ties.  It’s complicated.  Truth is … since last semester though I’ve wanted to stay here, especially now.  I wouldn’t want to be away from you.”

“I would have understood… but I’m glad and wouldn’t want you away from me either, especially now.”  The distance between us causes almost an echo feeling throughout the space.  I don’t like the distance or the cold feeling, but I give her a minute to take this in.  Again she scans over the space taking in the modern and sleek design and décor.  I of course had nothing to do with this, but have to admit it’s nice.  At the time I didn’t think I’d ever want to live off campus or away from my friends, but now it’s not looking so bad when I think about the privacy Kate and I will have together here. 

“You okay?” I ask as I take a couple steps closer to her.

“Yeah, yeah, I just… wow. This is a really nice place.”

“It is, but sometimes it reminds me of the stipulations that come with it,” I spurt out openly without really thinking.  She takes a couple steps closer to me and away from the furthest point. 

“How often do you come here?” 

“Quite a bit actually, it’s been a good place to come and study. It’s quiet and the view is great.”

“Uh-huh.  Have you ever brought any other girls here?”  He face falls and she bites that bottom corner of her lip. 
Fuck
. I don’t want to tell her who’s been here, but I’ll never lie to her.

“Come here.” She looks up and my jaw locks up tightly. “Katherine, please.” God, I don’t think I ever remember begging for anything in my life, but damn I would right now if I had to. The way her eyes glaze over and her lips form a natural pout tugs at my heart. Having a history is never easy explaining to the new people in your life, but I’m ready to open up and share things with Kate, share my feelings, share… my life.

The distance between us slowly shortens, but I wait for her to get close enough to me.  I can see the wheels in her head spinning.  I know she’s mulling this over in her head, but to be honest I’m glad she wants to know more.  She’s not always ready for me to open up to her, but now every day, every hour, every minute I swear I see changes in her.  One more step from her and then I grab her shoulders and pull her into me.  She doesn’t hesitate to return the hug I’m giving her.  Her smell floats into me and I nuzzle my nose into her hair for a better whiff.  She lays her head on my chest and looks up at me with big eyes and her lips tremble a little. 

“Jessica?” She asks boldly.

“Mmm hmm.”  I shake my head, but hold her gaze. 

“Okay,” she slips out as she gulps in a deep breath and swallows. She starts to bite down on that bottom corner of her lip, but I move my hand to her face and drag my thumb across it pulling it free. I don’t want her to be nervous about talking to me. It’s not going to be easy to talk about some of this, but I want to because I don’t’ want anything between us. Kyle seems to have laid low and I plan on keeping it that way, but … Jessica along with my family could be a different issue that I don’t want to come between us. I’m not sure if she’ll ask anymore or if she’s closing up on me.

“What was your relationship like?”  She asks curiously.  It’s tough because I know I can’t give her a short one sentence answer anymore, but I’m glad she’s not shutting me out or closing up.  I exhale a breath and then kiss her on her head. 

“Come on, let’s go sit on the balcony.”  I guide us out onto the balcony and the warmth of the sun covers the space.  The lake sparkles and the sand looks inviting, but it’s probably only high fifties or low sixties.  I sit first on the lounge chair and Kate slides back into me with my legs straddling her.  Encasing her in my arms I think about how to explain Jessica.

“We grew up around each other.  To be honest we usually fought throughout our childhood, but we were stuck being forced together.  Then as we got older we continued to fight, but we also got along quite a bit too.  We had a lot in common.  She’s in law school too a couple hours north.”  I stroke her arms and then search for both pinky fingers rubbing them lightly hoping it reassures her about us.  “We’d help each other through the challenges of our family lives and the trouble we’d get into.  I used to get into a lot of fights just to piss my dad off and she’d experiment with drinking purposely getting caught.  Eventually, we both experimented with some drugs.  Jessica always took it to a dangerous level though.  I stuck mostly with pot.”  I pause to let her take in some of this.

“I can’t picture this about you,” she says with her head tilted backward to look up at me.  I smirk thinking back to the shit I pulled.  “You’re too sweet and innocent,” she teases smilingly.  That smile eases my nerves.

I tap her nose and then kiss her forehead.  “Only with you.”

“Go on,” she says as she snuggles into me.

“So yeah, drugs got her into a lot of trouble, still does. Somehow we started fooling around, but with no strings attached. I liked her, cared about her, but… it felt more like obligation. We had the same group of friends and we all got into trouble… fighting, drinking, drugs-,” she cuts me off.

“What kind of drugs and do, do you still?”

“For me mostly just pot, I tried a couple other things, like ecstasy and shrooms. And now, occasionally pot, but it’s been a while now. I’m sure I already know the answer to this, but have you tried anything?” I hug her tighter to me out of fear of her running from revealing the truth of my past.

“No.” Smiling I swing my head to the side of hers and press my lips into her cheek holding them there for a moment.  “But I, I’d like to try pot sometime.  Maggie thinks I’d have fun.” 

Laughing against her cheek I tell her, “Maggie would think that.  I want to be with you though.  Don’t do it without me.” 

She elbows me right in the gut and says, “Yes sir, boss!” 

Cringing into the blow I tell her, “Hey, I just want to be there in case you need me to take care of you.”

“Fine, go on…”

“I don’t know, Kate… basically we messed around casually for years with no commitment, then she wanted it to be more so I told her I’d give it a try.  I liked her, started even falling for her in a way that I never had before, but before I go on… you have to know I never felt even half of what I have felt for you, okay?”

“Okay,” she murmurs quietly. 
Shit.

“We had both used others and even used each other. It was just something we did and were okay with. She had a reputation… I guess we both did. I knew how she could be and the trouble she got into with guys. Another thing she did to rebel against her family. But still I gave it shot. I stopped rebelling quite so much and gave it chance. I quit fighting, slowed on the drinking and only had some pot here and there. She agreed to stop too. Then,” I pause taking a deep breath finding it more difficult to get through this than I had thought it would be not because this is drawing up emotions of hurt over Jessica, in fact quite the opposite, anger… rage. “For some reason my dad encouraged our relationship he thought she’d keep me on the straight and narrow.” I laugh at that thought; the girl was and still is far from the straight and narrow, as far as I know. Kate’s shoulders and arms tense up against my body. Maybe she’s feeling a little how I feel when I think of Kyle or maybe she’s just uncomfortable or disappointed… I just grip her tighter though and keep going. Better to get through this, pull it off like a Band-Aid. “My dad lightened up on me during the time we dated even, which never happens. My feelings hadn’t changed for him, but it was nice to avoid some of the tension.”

“How long were you committed to each other?” She asks softly, but her tone is even and steady.

“God, not long, couple months maybe, three or four.  I didn’t really keep track to be honest, but there was a break in it.  I found her snorting coke with some of our friends and broke it off with her.  Her and one friend in particular, my best friend, got into that heavily.”  I reach my hands down her neck and use my thumbs to push her chin up towards me and look into her eyes.  “I never did that.”  Her body loses some of the tension and her eyes lighten.  “Then we went back to our ways, messing around when it was convenient with each other and … others.  No commitment, but still involved.  After a couple weeks or so she begged for another chance.  For some reason that I still don’t understand I did try with her again.  I gave her the benefit of the doubt.  My dad… he hardened up on me again during that time we were broken up and made sure that we were forced into being together.”

She turns her body around to face me sweeping her hair behind her ears and licks her lips. With her hands resting on my chest weightlessly she looks at my lips… afraid to kiss them, but I’m not going to let that happen. Moving forward I trace her soft wet lips with mine. I kiss her almost feather light without tongue. She pulls herself back with a small smile spread across her lips. “No distracting me, I want to hear everything.” My heart settles and I press my lips into hers forcefully before letting her continue. “I remember a long time ago I was upstairs to use the bathroom and I saw a picture on your desk of you and a girl. She was smiling and you had your face… your lips on her neck not looking at the camera. Then I never saw it again.”