The Perfect Emotion (39 page)

“I doubt that,” I say teasingly with a slight elbow to his side. Picturing a young cute Reed I can only imagine what the middle school girls were like. I turn to my mom, “You ready?”

“Sure,” she looks from me to Reed and then asks, “Reed can you join us afterwards?”  I had thought of that, but to be honest this is the first time we’ll have had therapy together since before spring break and I am actually looking forward to spending time along with her. 

“I’m sorry I can’t tonight.  I have quite a bit of studying to do, but maybe we could do dinner this weekend.”  My heart rate spikes up remembering his dinner plans he has on Saturday. 

“Oh that would really nice, let me talk with Dan tonight to see what his availability is. Good to see you.” She leans in to hug him again and walks towards the elevator giving us some privacy.

Once she’s out of ear shot I step closer to Reed and reach up to hug him around his neck. “I’d like to steal you,” he whispers in my ear.

“I don’t think kidnapping would look very good on your resume either,” I murmur into his chest.

“See what you do to me, you’re driving me to committing crimes… murder, kidnapping, what’s next?”

“None, I need you too much now.”

“Good, that’s how I like it.” 

Stepping apart from each other, but holding hands I bite down on my bottom corner of my lip before I ask, “I thought you were busy this weekend.” His thumb pulls my lip free and he smiles at me.

“Just on Saturday night, but we could go to dinner with your family on Sunday evening?” We just stare at each other as I take in his confirmation that he has plans still on Saturday and that I am still not invited. “Kate, I’d take you if I could. It’s… complicated. I swear to you if I didn’t have to go I wouldn’t go.”

“Okay.” My eyes drift downward and I shift my feet nervously. “Its okay and yes I’m sure Sunday could work,” I say with a smile and looking him in the eyes again.

“Hey, call me when you are done. I’ll be waiting to hear from you, okay?” His lips brush along mine and then he kisses me with a little more than a peck.

“I will, bye,” I say and plant a soft kiss on his chin.  Heading toward my mom I’m relieved that she is facing he opposite direction. When I reach her she pulls me to her side with her arm around me and we make our way into the elevator.

During therapy the majority of the session is focused on me.  We talk about Kyle, Reed and my mom.  My therapist seems really pleased with my progress.  The only thing I leave out is Reed’s confrontation with Kyle even though it gnaws at the back of mind quite a bit.  My therapist also discusses the possibility of filing a restraining order.  I don’t agree to file a restraining order, but to be honest the possibility of doing it settles on me for a moment longer than usual.  Although my mind still hangs on to hope and the possibility that the situation with Kyle has remedied itself now.  Mom mostly listens and contributes when needed.  I talk openly about my relationship with Reed.  Words of how I care about him and more importantly that I am beginning to trust him hit the air like ice cutting through water.  Both my mom and therapist look pleased hearing me say this.  As the session wrapped up it occurs to me that I am definitely making progress and facing conflict is becoming easier.  I’m ready to hear and face the things I’ve avoided for too long. 

Feeling light and carefree my mom and I exit the building and head to her car.  I’m not ready to leave her yet though.  I ask her if we can go get something to eat and she seems more than thrilled. 

After placing our orders for food mom smiles at me like a Cheshire cat carrying a deep dark secret.  Laughing I already know what she’s going to say though.  “I’m very happy for you.  I think Reed is a positive influence on you… and what a looker he is,” she whispers the last part afraid someone might hear her.  Giggling I cover my face.

“Mom!” 

“What, I’m just saying. I may be your mom, but I know cute when I see cute, dear.”

“Yes, he’s very cute, but he’s more than that,” I say with a more serious tone.

“That is quite obvious and what’s most important is that he cares for you.  Seeing you this happy makes me happy… and proud.  That is all I ever want for you in life.  I know that these last few years have not been easy on your heart, but that is all changing now and you being able to move forward is what is best.  I’ve seen how you have opened up, accepted the struggles of the past and learned to deal with conflicts.  So, yes when I see how happy Reed makes you and that you are changing in a positive way it makes my heart sing.  Your happiness means everything to me Kate.  I know I took some of that away from you and all I want is to see it replaced.”

My lips quiver and the back of my eyes begin to sting. I can’t blink because I know the pools that are building in my eyes will leak down my reddened cheeks. “M-mom,” my breathing is shaky, but I push myself to ask what I want to know most. “Are… are you happy too?”

Unable to hold in the tears any long they stream long and fast down my cheeks, but I keep my breathing steady.  The restaurant is quiet and we are towards the back away from others.  I pray that the waiter keeps his distance.  Mom reaches across the table for my hand and begins to stroke it reassuringly. 

“Yes, I am.  Now, but it took some time,” she says truthfully looking into my tear stained face.  Her eyes glisten threatening to leak the same tears. 

“Wh-what happened, mom? I want to know. I’m ready to hear everything.”

“Oh Kate, I don’t want to burden you any more than you already have been. It’s difficult and has nothing to do with you, sweetie. It doesn’t matter because I failed you and Daniel. I didn’t handle it right and I let it go too far.”

“What mom?  What went too far?” I practically shriek out.  She swallows and rolls her eyes upward along with her chin and takes in a deep breath. 

There’s a silence that sits between us, but I keep my eyes locked on her showing her I want to know and that I’m ready.  I need to know why she left, I need more in order to move on.  I want and need to forgive her.  I want to be able to trust her completely again. 

“I’ve had some depression on and off through life, but after I had you and then Daniel it got worse and it was more difficult to treat.” I nod my head letting her know that I know some of this and that I’m ready for more details. She lets go of my hand and places hers on her cheeks taking a deep heavy breath. Her eyes press close tightly and I swear I can feel the weight of what she’s about to tell me. Out of the corner of my eye I see our foodless waiter approaching. I wave him off and gratefully he turns back out of the room. “This is difficult for me to say for a couple reasons. One, being that this still wasn’t a good enough excuse to do what I did. Two, I don’t want you feeling any guilt or blame or burden of this.”

“Mom, I can’t promise I won’t, but I know I’m learning how to deal with difficulties a lot more than I ever have.  I need to know that I wasn’t the reason you left us, I need to know what happened so that I can forgive you and move on.  I love you and want you back like it used to be.”  Licking my lips I wait in anticipation letting the anxiety running through my veins not take over my body. 

“Earlier your senior year I had a miscarriage.”

Realization, memories and emotions crash into me like a freight train blazing down the tracks unable to stop. The air coming up me feels restrained and ragged. I let the tears fall freely and begin to sob loudly. The more I cry the lighter my chest becomes. Mom comes into my side of the booth scooping me into her, stroking my arms, running her fingers through my hair and placing sweet kisses on my head. Pain strangles my heart for the thought of how difficult that must have been for her, but selfishly I begin to feel relief that I was not the child to cause the loss she felt, the pain that was unbearable or the reason for her leaving.

C
HAPTER 27

My mom drops me off at my dorm and after kissing and hugging her I get out waving to her driving away.  Our relationship has permanently changed and going forward is the only option now.  It will never be the same and that settles well in my mind and heart.  Heaviness takes space in half of my heart after hearing the truth and my mom describe her road to self-destruction, but the other half is consumed with fullness that had been missing for quite some time.  Now with understanding I can move forward and accept my mom’s decisions.  While her leaving still hurts I have new compassion and knowledge that puts the pieces together allowing me to move forward with my mom in my life. 

The evening stretched out longer than I had originally thought it would, but I’m glad I have answers.  Before I head to the elevators to head up to my room I text Reed quickly.

Just got back, goi
ng to bed. 
C u 2morrow.
 
Missing u.
  Kate

Say the word and I’ll come kidnap u. Reed

Smirking at my phone my heart thumps faster and I can hear the humming in my ears. Before I even step into the elevator exhaustion hits me hard. The day has been emotionally draining for me, but I like the feeling I have in my chest. Heading down the hall to my room I see the gang, minus Brandon, hanging out in the hallway.

Derek is standing behind Kelly with his arms around her waist. Quinn is dancing around to the music drifting from one of the rooms as Matt leans on the wall with his hands in his pockets grinning. Maggie, Jenna and Lynn are standing around talking. Derek catches me approaching first and winks at me grabbing onto Kelly tighter. Then Quinn in the middle of her seductive dance spots me.

“Kate! You’ll come out dancing with me Saturday night, right?” At first I want to say no, but then I remember that Reed will be gone for the night.

“Sure, how about a girls night?”  I say through my beaming smile.  Maggie pounces to her feet shocked at my response.

“Well, now you are talking! I’m in for sure!” Maggie says enthusiastically. The other girls all agree too.

“I can take a hint,” Derek says teasingly to Kelly.  “I’ll just be here when you get back for our own party then,” he finishes and plants a big sloppy kiss on Kelly’s cheek.  She flushes and rolls her eyes. 

After a few minutes I head back to the room ready to crash with Maggie following me.  She asks about my day of hooky and I fill her in leaving out some of the details.  I don’t tell her about mine and Reed’s conversation or my conversation with my mom.  In the end, I tell her it was a really great day. 

After I change into my pajamas I crawl into bed letting my hair fan around my face when my head hits the pillow.  The sound of Maggie stirring around our room lulls me and just as I’m about to fall asleep I hear a phone ringing.  I sit up grabbing my cell phone, but I quickly realize that it’s not my tone.  Maggie answers hers and her whole face lights up.  I mouth to her “Marco” and she confirms with a headshake. She crawls into her bed pulling the blankets up and I roll over hoping that I can drift to sleep.

“Maybe,” I hear Maggie say as she giggles light heartedly into her phone. Then she says, “No I’m not saying it…. Because… Marco, stop,” she says through her laugh. I know I should tune out their conversation, but I can’t help but listen in a little. It makes me happy to hear Maggie sound smitten. “It’s only another week, besides I told you we need to take this slow.” Her words continue to fade in and out and eventually I’m sound asleep.

Halfway through the night I’m woken from a dream breathing restlessly in a panic.  Visions rush through my head of Reed bleeding, Kyle on top of me, and my mom’s saddened face describing the miscarriage.  Heaving in and out I run my hand over my forehead wiping away a small amount of sweat.  I grab for my water bottle chugging it down loudly and look to see if Maggie stirs.  Thankfully, Maggie is snoring.  My breathing continues to escalate as I picture the blood that ran down Reed’s face when he came to my house after fighting with Kyle, which automatically leads to me remembering Kyle forcing himself on me.  The added weight of knowing why my mom left us only causes me to feel more anxious and guilty for the way I pushed her away once she returned.  Everything feels like its coming to a pinned point in my head and it’s overwhelming to figure out how to keep coping… how to keep moving forward and past these challenges. 
In and out.
 
In and out.
 
In and out.
 
I repeat the mantra in my head over and over again. Tears slide from the corners of my eyes and I long to talk to someone. Before I push the need aside I grab for my phone and dial Reed.

“I’m on my way,” Reed answers promptly. Relief spreads through me as I grab onto my old worn blanket from childhood.

“Thank you,” I whisper before I hang up.

About ten minutes later Reed is at my door in sweats and his book bag. He crosses over into my room dropping his bag to the side sliding his arms under my tank top with his fingers tickling the small of my back. A small and quiet sob releases from me into his chest and he weaves his arms around to scoop me up. We lie into each other with our legs and arms tangled closely together. Reed’s fingers run gently through my hair and his lips press sweetly to my forehead. He murmurs into my ear, “Shhhh, it’s okay, I’ve got you.”