The Natural: How to Effortlessly Attract the Women You Want (34 page)

Once you get to the house, sit her down on the couch or on your bed. Get the wine out. Give her time to get comfortable. After five minutes, go in for the kiss. You could have kissed earlier because you had comfort, trust, connection, and attraction, but you waited to avoid the “Oh, I’m horny now; let’s go to my place” vibe. The kiss has been “on” for a while, so it will be easy.

Escalate very slowly and smoothly from that first kiss. Anytime you sense discomfort on her part, take a step back—show her something on your laptop or put a movie on—keep it there for a time, and then reescalate. When the time feels right, offer an excuse to get in the bed (it’s more comfortable); have an excuse to take clothes off (it’s hot)—all while physically escalating. It’s got to be like it happened by accident. Once she’s naked, the interaction has passed the point of no return and should be smooth sailing.

Girls in this category will be much more likely to go home with you if you don’t directly mention the fact that they’re going back to have sex with you. Of course, they’ll know it on some level, but a much higher percentage of girls will sleep with you if you make the subtle shift from “Want to go back and have sex with me?” to “Want to come for coffee?” Other lines that work well include “Want to go someplace more comfortable?” and “Let’s go somewhere else.”

The difference is that you’re leading, not asking. People feel more comfortable in simply following rather than making a commitment to follow. For example, “Let’s go dance” always works better than “Would you like to dance?”

Tip

Dirty dancing is generally good for getting in the mood, getting her comfortable with you physically, etc. You need to be confident and comfortable so that she feels that vibe too. Treat her like your girlfriend. Touch her with familiarity. Awkwardness won’t fly.

For a lot of reasons, you might opt for a number close or a kiss close over same-night sex. That doesn’t mean you’re out of luck, but you’ve got to know what you’re doing to move forward.

Most guys who meet girls for dates after a number close see the attraction completely fizzle out; or, at a minimum, they have to work through a number of dates to get into a position where they can take things physical. That’s an avoidable problem. If you arrange to meet a girl for lunch or in a coffee shop in the daytime, your first date clearly isn’t going to end up in bed.

So how do you do it? There are a few essential elements to the sexually successful first date:

First, arrange to meet at night. There’s more of a sexual vibe at night, so you can establish a physical connection straightaway. And meet somewhere near where you live, preferably within walking distance. I arrange this with a girl by saying something like, “Let’s meet at the local Starbucks. When’s good for you—8:00
P.M.
or 9:00?” The question offers illusory choice on a point that’s irrelevant to me in terms of the result.

Solid Closes and Buyer’s Remorse

When you’re getting on well with a girl in a club or a bar and there’s the potential for things to get physical, there are different ways to play it. You may have heard of something called “buyer’s remorse,” which in the context of dating is where you escalate the physical stuff too quickly with a girl and then she regrets it and doesn’t want to see you again.

Let me illustrate this with an example. I approached a hot girl in a club one night, and in a short span of time we were kissing and touching very sexually, almost to the point of getting thrown out. Wanting to slow things down a bit, I stopped, took her hand, and led her to sit down. On the way, though, a friend asked me to take a picture of his group and I got engaged in conversation with him; she, probably anxious about how quickly things had been advancing, went back to her friends and ended up leaving the club without talking to me again.

If I had managed things differently—if I had sat down with her and spent twenty minutes talking and discovering things I liked about her before getting all hot and heavy, she probably wouldn’t have run away and I probably would have succeeded in getting her to agree to a follow-up date.

So basically, you have to do a couple of things if you’re getting physical with a girl you’d like to see again. If there’s no chance of your sleeping with her that night (because she has to drive friends home, or whatever) and you really like her, don’t spend the whole night kissing her; back off and talk, then kiss a bit more, then talk a bit. Mix it up. If you can sleep with her that night, go for it and spend some quality time afterward.

When you meet her for that first real date, the most important thing to do is immediately treat her as if she’s your girlfriend. Kiss her on the cheek, take her hand or put your arm around her, and lead her off to the location of your date. Remember that if she actually shows up for a date, she’s attracted to you; that’s a given. By treating her as your girlfriend, you’re basically triggering all the feelings within her associated with guys she’s dated for years. You’re touching her like her ex-boyfriends did. If you’re comfortable, she’ll be comfortable. If you’re uncomfortable and nervous, she’ll be the same.

When you arrive at your destination, let her sit first and then sit next to her. You’ll be in danger of losing a sexual vibe if you sit opposite her. In terms of conversation, mix playfulness, teasing, the sexual vibe, and comfort-building. For my first dates, I always like to take the girl to a spot that closes at 11:00
P.M.
, so it’s natural to leave then and just lead her to my house.

If you don’t have a favorite place that closes down early like that, you can say, “Let’s go somewhere else,” and simply lead her to your home. When you’re walking down the street together, don’t talk about where you’re going. If she asks directly, you can say, “We’re going somewhere more comfortable,” or “I know a great place where the music is better,” or even, “I’m going to show you where I live.” You can also have a quirky excuse to take her home, like “Come and see my cat do back flips.” (But if you go that route, you’d better have a cat waiting for you when you get home!)

One of the key things here is to try to distract her. Draw her attention from your destination by asking or talking about something else. “So, did you see that new movie with Matt Damon?” Then continue leading her and walking. If she objects to you verbally but is still walking with you, don’t engage in logical debate. Remember that a woman has both a logical and an emotional mind. Her emotional mind is expressed through her body and her logical mind through her speech. Distract her logical mind.

When you get back to the house, sit her down (on your bed if possible) and give her some space. Don’t get in her face right away. You’re doing some crucial things here—primarily, showing that you have self-control. This generates trust, and she’ll feel more comfortable with you.

After a few minutes, go into the seductive character again and build some tension before you kiss her; that will make the kiss more passionate and will turn her on. Kiss for a bit, then lay her down. If she isn’t in your bedroom, give her the grand tour. Have something in your bedroom that you can look at together—a photo album, say—and do that sitting on the bed. Remember, though—if she says, “Stop!” you better stop whatever you’re doing (or trying to do) immediately. If she gives you a more subtle objection, or you sense one coming, go back one or two moves and try to turn her on some more.

A lot of guys have some performance anxiety when it comes to sexual confidence. I certainly did when I was starting out, due to knowing that any girl I met likely had
way
more sexual experience than I did, and also from a lack of confidence about how I looked. I was scared to get naked and wasn’t confident in my skills!

Despite my lack of confidence, it took only a few weeks of practice to get into some great situations with beautiful girls. I’d gotten so good at the early stages that girls often thought I was a “player” and probably thought I was an amazing lover because of my confidence in the first minutes of an interaction. Little did they know that I had kissed fewer than five girls, even though I was twenty-five years old!

I remember one particularly attractive French girl I met at a local bar. I got her number and actually managed to get her on a date a few days later. My “sex on the first date system”—still in the draft stage back then—was running like clockwork. We were sitting in my room on the bed (the only place to sit in my small portion of the shared apartment), and there was a beautiful moment when she revealed something very personal. She told me that she played the harp, and that she thought of her harp as a “he”; when the window was open, “he” would make sounds from the wind that she thought was him talking to her, and she would come play a response. She told me that she’d never talked with anyone about it before, but that she felt I understood her—in fact, she said, it was as if she’d known me for months.

I put my glass of wine down, moved toward her, ran my fingers through her hair, and went in to kiss her. When she turned her head to the side, instead of backing off I kissed her cheek and then her neck and then gently turned her head back toward me. To my surprise, she went crazy and jumped on top of me, kissing me aggressively and biting my lips. This had never happened before—not even close! I couldn’t handle it and didn’t even like it. She looked like she wanted to devour me, and I was just plain scared!

I’d had only slow, soft, and tender moments in my brief romantic career, and this girl wanted the opposite. She wanted a confident, dominant man. I’d probably seemed to be that guy when I picked her up, but I didn’t yet have the sexual confidence to back up my posturing. I got on top of her and pinned her down, but my movements were tentative because I didn’t really know what I was doing. She wanted me to control her physically and loved it when I managed to do that. I’d never ripped a girl’s clothes off and had wild sex before, but I was game to try. I was way too slow for her liking, though; and although we did get it on, I was in my head all the time, thinking about what I should do to make her happy and not really enjoying the moment. I caught a confused look on her face at one moment, as if she was wondering what the hell I was doing.

I felt like a real man would have been able to handle the situation properly. I’d sensed that I wasn’t very “manly” for a while. When I was at work during those early years, from about eighteen to twenty years old, I was the “friend” who posed no sexual threat, who didn’t project any sexuality at all. I’d sit around with the marketing department girls, and they’d talk about sex and personal issues as if
I
were a girl. When I was with my guy friends, I didn’t talk about sex or women in the usual crass way. I still don’t think it’s necessary to do that—but it
is
necessary to be sexually confident and to be able to handle sexually aggressive women without being scared off. Women should see you as sexual, not as a gay best friend!

I’d been brought up by my mother with no male influences or role models, and I guess I lacked a general manliness and (especially) sexual confidence. I had taught myself the attributes of an alpha male and definitely projected them in a club, but I had a weak underbelly that revealed itself in the bedroom! The French girl I was just talking about was only nineteen, but I couldn’t handle her. She said, in both words and action, “I like sex,” and was very matter-of-fact about it. I was happy to have slept with her—she was one of the best-looking girls I’d met in London—but I didn’t know how to give her what she wanted! She didn’t come back for more, and this was going to be a big problem if it continued.

In the months that followed I struggled with how to get this area of my life handled. I’d never openly talked about sex with friends; I’d always felt uncomfortable when the subject came up. Seeing the need for change, I decided to make a conscious effort to talk about sex with male and female friends alike. Gradually I got comfortable talking about it, making sexual innuendos and jokes and being more open. I deliberately spent some time with the most sexual girls around and started regularly going to strip clubs. Within a few weeks I had a girlfriend who was a dancer. She was super-confident—a half-Greek and half-Brazilian woman who was paid by the club to teach the other girls “pole tricks.” She was totally confident with her body, walking around my apartment naked even when there was a chance that my roommates might see her. She told me what to do in bed, what she liked; and after dating me for a few weeks she told me I was good.

Finally I’d graduated! In the days, weeks, and months that followed, I brought my newfound confidence into my relationships, and now it carried all the way through to the bedroom. The most important thing that I realized was that potentially embarrassing issues could be overcome if I confronted them directly. It’s a lesson that was important for me to learn and one that I hope you keep in mind as you go on your own journey.

Y
ou’ve now got a system for approaching and seducing a woman at nighttime—a system that will serve you well. However, you are not
always
in a bar or club when the woman of your dreams passes you by. In order to have total choice of women and the maximum amount of opportunity, it’s important for you to understand how to meet women during the daytime, and how to maximize those encounters.