The Making of Americans, Being a History of a Family's Progress (42 page)

     When Mary came home from the doctor Mabel was told all that had happened to her. Mabel did everything any one could have done for her in all the trouble that then came to her.
     Mary Maxworthing had not a despairing feeling with the baby in her as she had had at the failure of her undertaking at dress-making. She had a little more now of anxious being, she had none of despairing feeling, she had very little anxious feeling, she had none of despairing feeling, she had very little anxious feeling, mostly it was impatient feeling that filled her and injured feeling that so much bad luck should have come to her. A great deal of impatient feeling, considerable injured feeling and a little anxious feeling was what then mostly was in her. She had none of the despairing sense she had had in her after her failure, this would not effect the future for her, so much the worse for her that it had happened to her, she liked children, so much the worse that it should have come so to her, she still loved the man, he loved her, sometime perhaps he would marry her. As it happened he did marry her, he married her when she was thirty-five, when she was making her new beginning with Mabel Linker at dress-making and was succeeding. He was a decent enough man and always wanted to marry her, his family wanted him to marry another girl who was richer, he had been away on business travelling all the time she had the baby and later, when he came back finally and could arrange it he married her. It was a successful enough marriage for her. Living was always successful enough for her.
     But all this was much later now she is coming back from the doctor with some impatient feeling, a little anxious feeling and some injured feeling in her. Mabel Linker then did anything any one could do for her, the people who employed her were much surprised at such a thing happening to her, no one who knew ever would have imagined such a thing would happen to her, but it did not change their feeling for her, it did not change anybody's estimate of her. It had happened to her. Everybody was good to her, everybody except the doctor who had got angry with her. He was young then, he thought she had deceit in her, this was not true of her, she was as honest as most people are.
     I don't mean that she had any great honesty in her. She did not but she had medium honesty in her. In her interview with the doctor there was no deceit in her there was only the stupidity of impatient being in her.
     She was as honest as most people are in living, she was as conscientious as most people are in beginning, to herself she was a little more conscientious than she really was in being, she could have in herself an injured being. She could feel that Mabel should have in her toward her a grateful feeling, she could have in herself an injured feeling, she was to herself more sacrificing, more conscientious, a little perhaps, not much more honest to her in her being than she really was in being or in living, she could have then injured feeling. Mostly, in her, she had more impatient being, more interfering, than she had angry or injured feeling. She could have angry and injured feeling.
     Mostly one has injured feeling when one is to one inside in one's feeling more noble than one ever is in acting than one ever is really in being, one has then inside one injured feeling. There are many kinds of ways of having injured feeling in one. Sometime there will be a history of all of the kinds of them.
     Sometimes there is much sweetness inside one to one's feeling and all the time nasty words are coming out from one, in many of such of them there is much sweetness in them in their feeling, many of such of them do not know that then mean or brutal things are being said by them, so then they have rightly in them injured feeling inside them when the others respond to the nasty things said by them to them. This is a very common way of having injured feeling in one, sometime there will be a history of all the kinds of them. Mary Maxworthing then had impatient being, she never knew that this really made her interfering, to herself it only made her want to have every one do what they were doing. She had in her a reasonably conscientious, honest being, to herself she had a little more of them and of self-sacrificing being than she really had in living. This could come to make in her injured and sometimes angry feeling. Just the kind she had in her of conscientious and honest being will come out more and more in the history of her as in her living it comes out of her.
     She came back then from the doctor and then Mabel Linker and then her employer knew what had happened to her. Everybody then was very good to her. No one then who knew her changed then in their feeling about her, this had happened to her, she was always though what every one always had thought her. The doctor had been angry with her, but he was young and thought it deceit in her, it was impatient being that was the stupid being in her.
     Mabel Linker was working for her living, she had commenced again having work to do in her room and in a small way had commenced again a business of dress-making though often she had to go out sewing. Mary Maxworthing, when she would have a bad feeling in her, came to Mabel Linker to have her take care of her.
     As I was saying too, no one knew it about her what kind of feeling Mabel Linker had in her for Mary Maxworthing. Perhaps it will come to be clearer later. Anyhow she then took care of her, and it was not an easy matter. Mary had not even then anxious being in her, she did have very much then impatient being in her, it was very hard sometimes for any one to put up with her.
     Every one has in them their own history inside them. In each one the history comes out of them in the repeating that is always in them. Mary Maxworthing had always in her some impatient being, sometimes it had in her more and sometimes less importance in her being, sometimes it had in her almost a different meaning from other times in her living. Mostly it was in her her stupid being.
     This came to be very strongly in her in the trouble she had in having her baby. She did not have then in her really any anxious being, she had then in her very much impatient being and feeling.
     Finally she did not have a living baby, after six months it passed out of her, it was her impatient being in her that made trouble for her, this is a history of what happened to her.
     Repeating then is always coming out of every one, from the kind of being always in them. Almost always in the repeating in every one and in its coming out of them there is a little changing. In Mary Maxworthing it was always the same kind of impatient being, sometimes it was in her, impatient feeling, sometimes it was, interfering with every one around her and nagging and complaining, mostly it was not complaining, sometimes it was impatient being and stupid acting. Impatient being was almost always in her, stupid acting, it was not always in her as impatient feeling.
     In her trouble with having the baby come out of her this was mixed up in her. Always there was then impatient being strongly in her, often there was stupid acting in her from the impatient being always in her, sometimes there was impatient feeling in her. This is now a history of these things in her. As I was saying she always had in her, impatient being. As I was saying impatient being was the stupid being in her. It was not always active in her, it was at this time often enough active in her. She did not have in her so very much impatient feeling inside her. At this time with this trouble in her, impatient being was more than usually active in her, it came out in stupid ways of doing and not doing, she had sometimes, for her, a good deal of impatient feeling inside her. Mostly in her, impatient being was not impatient feeling in her. This is now a history of what all this did in her.
     As I was saying Mabel Linker took care of her. It was not an easy matter. Mary went to Mabel every time she felt badly inside her. She never would go to a doctor. This was the impatient being in her, this was the impatient being in her that was the stupid being in her, this will be clearer later.
     Mabel Linker took care of her and it was not an easy matter. She would not go to see a doctor. Finally at six months the baby passed out of her. She almost died when this happened to her. Mabel Linker had sent then for a doctor. It came very nearly being too late then to save her. This did not scare her until it was all over. She did not really know what was happening to her. She did not like it when she heard it later, she had no desire for dying in her. All that happened to her was from the impatient being in her. Impatient being was the stupid being in her. Every one has in them their own kind of stupid being, every one has in them a stupid part in them, this is a history of stupid being in Mary Maxworthing and Mabel Linker. This is a history of what happened to each of them, of every thing that was in them, of the kind of stupid being in each one of them.
     As I was saying, at the beginning of their living together, at the beginning of their dress-making Mary had for Mabel almost an idolising feeling. No one ever thought about the feeling Mabel Linker had about Mary Maxworthing. That was not important to any one. Later every one who knew them came to think about it but this was in their later living; in the beginning of their living together, in the beginning of their dress-making undertaking, the feeling Mabel Linker had about Mary Maxworthing was not important to any one, no one knew whether she had little or much feeling, this was not important then to any one, not even to Mary Maxworthing. This was because of the nature Mabel Linker had in her. Feeling in Mabel Linker for any one was something no one ever stopped to consider, it was enough that Mary Maxworthing liked living with her, it was enough for any one who knew her to know that when Mary needed her Mabel took good care of her. Later, feeling in Mabel became more important to those that knew her. Later there was a question in the mind of every one who knew her what kind of feeling she had in her. Later every one came to feel about her that mostly she had not any feeling in her. Mary Maxworthing later felt this in her. Later every one who knew her accepted this in her. Some were never very certain about her. She was different then from Mary Maxworthing, she was a very different nature. Every one had the same notion of Mary whether they liked or whether they did not like her, she could surprise them by something happening to her but every one had and always kept about the same estimate of her. This is now more history of her.
     There are millions always being made of every kind of men and women. Some kinds of them have it in them to have a being that makes every one who knows one of such of them think that one a singular one but always there are many millions of such of them, as many millions of such of them as of them who have it in them to have every one who sees them think there are always many existing of their kind of them. More and more in living one finds this to be true of people around them. This is now a history of every kind of them of every kind of men and every kind of women who ever were or are or will be living, of every kind of beginning of them as they are babies and children, and now this is a history of these two of them, Mabel Linker and Mary Maxworthing.
     There is always then repeating, always everything is repeating, this is a history of every kind of repeating there is in living, this is then a history of every kind of living. There is always then in every one, repeating, there are always being made then millions of every kind of being, there are always then living millions of every kind of men and women, there are and were and will be always existing millions of each kind of them, and the kinds of them from the beginning, and in every nation, are always the same and this is now a history of some of them. There are always then the same kinds of them and millions of them, millions of each kind there are of men and women always existing. Each one of all of them have in them their individual existing, their own history in them, their own living in them, and this is now a writing of the history as it comes out of some of them. There is then always repeating, there is then always individual existing. There is then always repeating, there is then always repeating in each one, in each kind of them, in pairs of them, in pairs of women, in pairs of men, in pairs of men and women. Always more and more in living it comes out how kinds of them in pairing are always repeating, this is true in loving, in friendly being between men and women. Sometimes in living one sees so many repeating, so many who seem when one knows them to be so individual there can never be any one anything like them, a pair of them with so individual a relation made up of two who are so singular in their being that it never seems that there can be others just like them. Always then one sees another pair of them and sometimes it is almost dizzying, it gives to each one of the pairs of them an unreal being, and then it comes again that one understands then that repeating is the whole of living. Repeating is the whole of living and by repeating comes understanding, and understanding is to some the most important part of living. Repeating is the whole of living, and it makes of living a thing always more familiar to each one and so we have old men's and women's wisdom, and repeating, simple repeating is the whole of them.
     As I was saying pairing of friends and pairing in loving is always a repeating of the coming together of the kinds of them and this is not just general repeating but very detailed repeating, wonderfully alike the pairs are then in character and looks and loving and living.
     As I was saying Mary Maxworthing and Mabel Linker were not altogether successful friends in their living. Later they both were married and then things went a little better for them, also they were succeeding then in their business of dress-making. This was when Mrs. Hersland knew them, when they were again living and dress-making in that part of Gossols where rich people were living.
     As I was saying Mary Maxworthing when she was having the baby taken, did not know how near she was to dying. All of it came from the impatient being which was her kind of stupid being. She did not know when the baby was passing how near she was to dying, afterwards she had about it almost an anxious feeling.
     As I was saying it was hard on Mabel Linker then to take care of her. Not when the baby was passing out of her for then she had a doctor and was in a hospital with a nurse taking care of her, but before, when she would not see a doctor. She would not let a doctor see her, this was impatient being in her, she would not listen to Mabel Linker or to any one else who tried to advise her, she was full up with impatient feeling. Yes, of course sometimes she was bleeding, but she did not want to pay any attention; she was full up then with impatient feeling. Later after it was over and she knew how near she had been to dying she had for a little while less impatient feeling, she had then in her, some anxious feeling. This was the end of that thing for her. She stayed then a year or two longer with the same employer. During this time Mary Maxworthing and Mabel Linker saw very little of each other. They had had serious troubles with each other.