The Making of Americans, Being a History of a Family's Progress (44 page)

     Mabel Linker had a very different nature from the other. She had no impatient being in her, she had sensitive being in her to the point of creation. She had in her independent dependent nature. She had no attacking in her. This is now a history of her.
     Every one has in them always their own repeating, always more and more then repeating gives to every one who feels it in them a more certain feeling about them, a more secure feeling in living. Repeating is more and more in every one the whole of that one the whole of every one, the wonder of each one is always more and more complete in each one as the repeating in them makes them a sure thing a thing certainly having being, makes for every one old men's and old women's wisdom, old men's loving and old women's feeling. Always more and more then repeating is the certain thing in every one. Always more and more then there is contentment in the secure feeling repeating in every one gives to every one. Always then there is excitement for every one in the certainty of repeating in every one. Always the wonder of each one as repeating in them makes a certain whole of them, comes to be a contentment to any one who sees them. Always then repeating is in every one and every one is a whole then and there is a secure feeling in resting in this realisation sometime one can have of every one. Repeating then is always in every one, sometime then there will be a description of all repeating and then there will be contentment in contemplation. Anyhow repeating is always in every one. Anyhow repeating is always in the pairing of two of them. This is now a history of two of them.
     As I was saying Mary Maxworthing and Mabel Linker both of them were of the kind of them having in them independent dependent being. Mostly for successful living two living together, man and woman or two women or two men, there should be in them the two kinds of them, one independent dependent the other dependent independent, one with attacking as the natural way of fighting, the other resisting as the way of being; but in loving and in friendly living this is mixed up in different ways to make a pair of friends for reasonably successful living. For loving to marrying to successful married living, there is always this combination, the independent dependent in one and in the other the dependent independent being. For loving then there is almost always this combination, in long successful friendly living there may be another mixing, a pairing of the same kinds of them. This will now be a description of some ways this is true in men and women, with every kind of nature in them.
     Mary Maxworthing and Mabel Linker had then both of them independent dependent nature in them. Slowly it came out in them. Slowly they had trouble with each other. Later they began again together but that was then a business matter. Mabel had then her husband to urge her. Mabel's marrying made at first great trouble between her and Mary Maxworthing.
     As I was saying, until Mabel Linker was full up with loving for the man who later married her no one ever had known what feeling she had in her about any one near her, about anything that happened to her. Perhaps nothing was important to her until loving filled her. Anyway no one ever knew what she had as feeling in her. She had as I was saying almost brilliant quality as a dress-maker. She had not much sense of fashion in her. She needed some one to urge her and start her. When a thing was suggested to her and she was pushed to begin she was almost a brilliant dress-maker. As I was saying no one knew very much what feeling she had in her. People who knew her had very different opinions of her. When Mary Maxworthing first knew her, first had her living with her, she almost idolised her. This feeling lasted in Mary through the beginning of their undertaking of dress-making. It died down in her when she had her trouble in her, her impatient feeling when they were not succeeding, her despairing feeling at the failure of her undertaking, her impatient troubled nervous feeling when she had her baby in her, her anxious feeling when she knew what had almost happened to her that her baby was dead and that she had almost died with her. And then Mabel Linker had her lover, Mary found ingratitude then in her, things got so that they could no longer live together. Then Mabel got married and much later when Mary had a little money left to her from some relative down in the country and Mabel had her husband to urge her, they began with their undertaking in that part of Gossols where richer people were living. Now they were more successful and things were different between them. Mary had now mostly the business managing and the excuses and the matching and the buying to do for the two of them and Mabel did the dress-making and she had in her with her husband's urging enough decision so Mary was stopped from doing too much interfering. They always did a fair amount of quarrelling but on the whole this time they succeeded fairly well with their undertaking. Then Mary married the man as I was saying, he had always wanted her to marry him and now his family would let him. His mother had not any longer any objection. Mary Maxworthing was succeeding well enough with dress-making, besides she saw that he would do it and it was not any longer any use objecting and resisting. This was about the time when Mrs. Hersland had them to make for her all her best dresses, all those she used for visiting.
     As I was saying Mary Maxworthing when she had her baby in her had not then in her any despairing feeling but she had in her a troubled impatient nervous being. As I was saying, in their first living together she had for Mabel Linker almost an idolising feeling. She would write when she sat idling, “angel Mabel, Mabel is an angel", and this showed her feeling. She never thought anything about Mabel's feeling. Mabel was everything she wanted and that was enough for her feeling, besides it was almost impossible to know what Mabel had inside her. As I was saying Mary Maxworthing had gayety but never any wildness or recklessness in living. She had gayety in living, she had in her very little anxious being, she had in her always impatient being, she had some sensitive bottom enough to give with her gayety some attractive sweetness to her. Her gayety and her impatient being and what there was in her of attraction gave her some quality of domination, not so much as there was in her impatient being and interfering. She was then a pleasant enough person all through her living, she was a pleasant enough person with some quality of attraction. She was reasonably honest and conscientious in her living. In the beginning then she had for Mabel Linker an idolising feeling. When she was sitting idling she would often be writing, “Mabel is an angel, angel Mabel”. She had for her this feeling, all through the beginning of their first undertaking. Then they had trouble living together, Mary was very interfering, she had a sense for fashion and she had given all the money they had for their beginning and Mabel never had in her any impatient being and she could endure a good deal of directing, but when they were not succeeding they began to have trouble between them. Not that Mabel said much or did much to show any changing in feeling but Mary felt that Mabel had not enough grateful feeling. Mabel never did have grateful feeling, after all she did the dress-making, after all she never thought much about Mary and her feeling, after all she was always willing, after all she never really heard very much of what Mary was always saying.
     Mary Maxworthing had a certain gayety in living, she had ambition, she had impatient feeling. She had a certain power of domination, but not as much as she had impatient feeling which made her interfering and in a certain degree nagging. She had just enough domination to keep her from being too irritating.
     Mary Maxworthing never had in her any grateful feeling to Mabel Linker for taking care of her, for doing all any one could do for her, while she was having her trouble with a baby. Mary was not like Mabel, she knew people should be grateful, she could have injured feeling in her. It was a little queer that she never felt that Mabel Linker had been good to her, that she should have any grateful feeling toward her; perhaps it was because then she had so much impatient being in her and impatient being was the stupid being of her, perhaps it was because Mabel Linker had never any feeling in her of doing anything for her. Mary told her to do something and Mabel did it for her, there was no anxious feeling in Mabel Linker ever; there was never any tenderness in her, Mary Maxworthing then had never any grateful feeling to her in her.
     The idolising feeling in Mary Maxworthing for Mabel Linker did not change into something else in her. It just died out of her. Later when Mabel had gone away from her and was married Mary wanted to begin again with her but always again, when she got used to her, she had no strong feeling about her, she never had for her at any time, later, an idolising feeling, but she always wanted her more than Mabel wanted her. But Mabel really only needed the man who married her, Mabel never wanted anything else to come to her. Later with her husband to urge her she got to have more feeling for a future, she wanted then for him and for herself too then success in dress-making. She and Mary came together then. Mary had some money then and they began again in that part of Gossols where rich people were living.
     Mary Maxworthing had then, when she had the baby in her, nervous impatient being, she had no feeling in her about Mabel Linker or any other person near her, the idolising feeling she had had for Mabel died out of her when freedom and distinction did not come to her, not that she had liked Mabel because Mabel could possibly help her to a future, not at all, but when Mabel was always with her, when Mary was not stirred up with planning for the future, when gayety was a little dead in her, when impatient feeling was in her, she had not any stimulation to have idolising feeling for Mabel Linker. Mary Maxworthing then had for Mabel, as for every one around her then, no feeling, she was full up with impatient being. Later then, when the baby was still-born and Mary knew she had been very near to dying, she had in her then anxious impatient, a little of nervous being, Mabel then had for her very little meaning, then later when Mary began to be herself again inside her Mabel had begun loving and Mary was disapproving. So there was never again a beginning in Mary of idolising feeling.
     Mary Maxworthing and Mabel Linker were not altogether successful friends in their living. Later they both were married and then things went a little better between them. Mabel Linker had a husband then to make her important and to urge her inside her. Mary Maxworthing did not have a husband until some time after Mabel had one, until after she had begun again with Mabel the undertaking of dress-making.
     Every one has then in them their own way of having injured feeling, Mabel Linker had never in her much of this inside her. Later with a husband to urge her to be inside her her important being, she could have such a feeling. Luckily then Mary Maxworthing had not yet her husband and so they got along together.
     As I was saying when Mary Maxworthing was having her despairing feeling she lost all feeling about Mabel Linker. Mary Maxworthing had this in her, many women are like her, many men have this too in them, they have in them negative egotism in them. Later there will be histories of many of such of them.
     Mary was not a complete one of such a kind of them. This is the kind they are then. Mabel Linker was not at all such a kind of one. This is now a description of them.
     Many women then are always of them, many men have it in them, mostly it is a kind of them that are made more as women perhaps than as men. Every one then has their own way of having injured feeling in them. As I was saying many have it in them when they have more self-sacrificing, more noble being in them than ever comes out of them in living, when they have a noble sweetness in them to them and they are unpleasant or lazy even in living. Many of them who have negative egotism in them have lazy being as the bottom of them, lazy or vague or empty bottom to them. Some of them are dependent independent, some are independent dependent, all of them mostly have lazy or vague or empty or very little bottom to them. Some have much bottom in them and never get it into motion. Negative egotism then is when one has enough egotism never to follow any other leading, never to live anybody else's life in living, always to have the best reason why every condition in living is the wrong place for them and not to have enough egotism to live their own life, to do their own choosing, to really be resisting. These then never have any real choice in them, they have not resisting in them, they have very good reasons why there is no place for them, why conditions are always wrong to them. Often it takes years to know them, they are mostly nice women with tender hearts and pleasant natures in them, they are many of them so stirring in their living that it is hard to know it of them that they have lazy being as a bottom to them, they worry so much inside them that it is hard to believe it of them that they have not it in them to be active in taking trouble enough to be really living, they are very many then of all of such of them, they have such very good reasons for not finding any place for living, it takes a long time when one is living with any one of them not to be taken in by the good reasons they have for not choosing. Even when one knows them well their reasons are convincing, there is such good reason always in them and they are mostly pleasant people with tender hearts or active worrying in them and lazy being in them. Laziness is in many of them not easy to know of them. Many of them seem actively in motion many of such of them who have really lazy being in them. There are then many many millions always being made of women and of men who have negative egotism in them. Some then are always existing who come nearer real egotism, these have not enough egotism for choosing, for living, some by attacking some by resisting make for themselves a protection, they do not do their own living but they keep other people off of them or clog them. There are many ways then of being in all these ways of egotism, sometime then there will be a history of all of them, a history of all of them, a history of every one, of every man and every woman who ever were or are or will be living, who have ever in them egotism, active, passive or negative.
     Alright then, there is a negative egotism in many men and in women, in very many of them. Sometime then there will be a history of every kind of them.