The Making of Americans, Being a History of a Family's Progress (38 page)

     I say some who have not much activity inside them have a kind of indolent and lethargic way of repeating, something in between just going on repeating and copying themselves to start them to keep going; Lillian Rosenhagen was one of such of them.
     I say that anxious* feeling comes out of each one according to the nature of them, this has in almost every one every time it comes in them out of them more in it of real feeling in repeating than many things in many men and women. There are some men and women always living who can have in them anxious feeling repeating without much real being in such repeating. Lillian Rosenhagen was a little such a one.
     Sometimes then the sister Cecilia Rosenhagen would be living with her mother and her older sister Lillian. Often she would leave them and live away from them. The Rosenhagen sisters were both born American. The father was not living. The mother was old then and did nothing but a little cleaning and cooking, the daughter Lillian did most of the supporting of the mother. Sometimes Cecilia would be helping but she never got as much money for working as Lillian and often she was not living with them.
     As I was saying Lillian Rosenhagen did not have men want to marry her. She was good looking, she was tall and dark, she was a stupid woman. She had good dress-making instinct in her working. She was steady in her working. She had in her anxious feeling as I was saying, a little, every time she had to do something. Cecilia had in her anxious feeling as excitement always in her. She had a very disagreeable nature. She had always suspicion in her of every one around her, anxious feeling was always an excitement to her, she had a great deal of it in her.
     Every one then has in their living repeating, repeating of every kind of thing in them, repeating of the kind of anxious feeling almost every one has more or less always in them, repeating of the way each one has of being stupid in their living.
     Almost every one, always each one has a way of having a kind of stupidity inside them always repeating in their living. Every one then has in them some kind of stupidity inside them. In each one it is of the nature of that one, of the kind of stupid being that is natural to their kind of them. With some their stupid being is mixed up with anxious feeling, with some with their impatient feeling, in some with other things in them, in some it is just there in them it never mixes up inside them, it is just there, always in them, it is so steady and stilly in them it does not come out of them as repeating, it just lies there quiet, as the bottom of them.
     Lillian Rosenhagen was such a one. She was a stupid woman. She had anxious feeling in her whenever any little new thing was demanded of her, whenever she had to finish arranging anything, whenever in any way there was any adjustment inside her to anything in her working or to any one around her. This was the anxious feeling in her, this had nothing to do in her with the stupid being in her that made her.
     In many, anxious being is impatient feeling in them, and sometimes in many, it is a suspicious feeling always in them, in many it is an excited feeling that keeps them always changing and acting. In Cecilia Rosenhagen there was a little of all these three ways of having as feeling her anxious being. Mostly it was the last kind of them the excited way of being that was strongest in her in her anxious feeling, she had it in her to have a good deal of suspicious feeling, she had less in her her anxious being as impatient feeling. In some anxious being is in them a nervous condition.
     As I was saying mostly every one has in them more or less anxious being, with some it is part of their stupid being, this was not so in the sister Lillian, it was true of the other one. Each one of them had in her her own stupid being and now this is a history of it in each of them.
     Lillian Rosenhagen was four years older than her sister Cecilia. Cecilia had a very unpleasant nature, she had nervousness in her, she had suspicion in her, she had anxious being as excitement always working in her. She was not a good worker, she was not a bad worker, she could find people to employ her and they would always be ready to keep her longer than her suspicious temper would let her. As I was saying sometimes she would be living with her sister and mother and then anxious being would be such an excitement inside her that she would go away and live with any friend who would let her. She always had a new friend who would take her, then she would have her anxious being as a new excitement in her and she would come back to her mother and sister. Lillian never began again with her from any goodness inside her. She had no use for her sister, they had no use for each other, they both had stupid being in them and they put up with each other when they were together, they did not quarrel with each other, they did not enough touch one another to quarrel together.
     They each one of them had in them their own kind of stupid being. In Lillian stupid being was the vague bottom to her that was always there when you looked at her. It made her, it had nothing to do in her with the anxious feeling sometimes in her, not with any trouble she had in her with her mother or her sister or a customer or the daily living and everything then that happened to her. She went on repeating because in living one goes on repeating, because that is the way one does in living. Lillian Rosenhagen went on living, sometimes she had a real feeling in her living, often she had in her a kind of anxious feeling, this she had in her whenever she had any adjusting of herself to her working, her work to a fitting of herself to any one who had then something to do with her. As I said she always then had a kind of anxious feeling in her, this never came to be sorrow in her, this never came to be a puzzled or a worried feeling in her, it was just such a kind of anxious feeling in her that made a little feeling inside her that was not just going on living in her, not a copying of herself in repeating in her, not just a drifting in her, it was pretty nearly a really anxious being in her. As I say she had a vague stupid being as a bottom to her. Mostly she went on repeating because repeating goes on always when any one is still living. She had a vague stupid bottom being, this was hardly repeating, this was just there lying in her as a bottom. She had a physical something that made an impression, that was some attraction. Mostly men did not want her for marrying, no man ever wanted her enough to have her marry him. She just went on living and dress-making.
     Every one has in them their own history inside them, in each one the history comes out of them in the repeating that is always in them that sometime when all the repeating in them has been done by them and they are no longer living and so do no more repeating, that sometime will be a whole history of each one of them.
     Sometime then each one will be dead and they each one will do no more repeating; there will then have been, there will then be a whole history of each one. In some as I was saying repeating comes almost without any changing any differing from the other repeating in them, in some repeating always has some changing, in some repeating has each time real feeling, in some it has so little real feeling it is only copying their own repeating. There can be then every kind of repeating with every degree of changing to some which takes strong looking to be sure it is repeating. There can then be repeating with every degree of changing, with every degree of feeling. There can be strong feeling in each repeating and the repeating have almost no changing. There is every kind of mixing, there is excitement and nervous feeling in repeating that sometimes makes it seem to be changing, there is nervous or excited or anxious being around repeating that makes it sometimes seem like a fresh feeling. Even in anxious being there can be repeating without fresh feeling. There can be every kind of mixing, this is a history of some of them.
     Repeating then is always coming out of every one, almost always in the repeating in every one and coming out of them there is a little changing. All the repeating in each one makes a history of each one always coming out of them. There is always repeating in every one but such repeating has almost always in it a little changing, the whole repeating then that is always coming the whole repeating that comes out of them every one who has living in them and coming out from each one is a whole history of each one.
     Lillian and Cecilia Rosenhagen each in their own way of being had both of them very little changing in their repeating, very little fresh feeling in their repeating. Lillian Rosenhagen had as I was saying always when she had to do finishing or beginning or a little adjusting of anything or of herself to any one around her, had always then a little anxious being that had always in it a little feeling, that had always in it very little changing, it was very much the same repeating. Mostly, in her ways of doing there was very little in her of fresh feeling, mostly when she was with others there was in her very little of fresh feeling, she was just copying herself in her movements in repeating or else she had in her a little drifting; she had in her as a bottom her indolent and stupid being that was in her but hardly came out of her as repeating. She had almost nothing in her ever of impatient feeling.
     Cecilia Rosenhagen was very different from her sister Lillian. She had in her anxious feeling as the bottom and the whole of her being. No man wanted her to marry him. It was different with her from her sister Lillian, it was for a different reason. Cecilia Rosenhagen had in her anxious being as the bottom and the whole of her being. In her, anxious being was always in her excited feeling, any one who saw her knew this in her; in her, injured feeling was always suspicious feeling, every one felt this strongly with her after a very little of her; she always had a new woman friend to pity her and to commence with her, she never had any man who wanted to take care of her or marry her. It was different in her from her sister Lillian, neither of them ever came to marrying.
     Cecilia Rosenhagen was a true spinster. Lillian Rosenhagen was not married because nobody had came to want her enough to take her. These two were very different in nature.
     There is every kind of being in women who have it in common to have a spinster nature. Later there will be much discussing of this spinster nature. Now it is enough to know that Cecilia Rosenhagen had it in her.
     So then they went on with their living to their ending Lillian and Cecilia Rosenhagen. No man ever married either one of them. They both went on in their own way living and dress-making to their ending. Mrs. Hersland liked to have Miss Lillian Rosenhagen in the house working. She was a good young woman for dress-making, she never gave to Mrs. Hersland anything of an injured or angry feeling.
     It is very common to have in one injured or angry feeling inside one. Injured or angry feeling it is common to have inside in every one. Injured or angry feeling it is common to have sometime in almost every one. Anxious feeling and impatient feeling are more or less and sometime in almost every one. Every one has sometime something of such feelings in them. It is very common to have the injured or the angry feeling in one mixed in one with the impatient feeling and the anxious feeling sometime in almost every one. Anxious feeling, impatient feeling, injured feeling, angry feeling are all sometime in each one in almost every one who ever was or is or will be living. In many then impatient feeling and anxious being are mixed up in them in the injured feeling and the angry feeling almost every one has sometime in them. There are many then that have this mixture in them. The way it comes out of them, the way these feelings mix up in them, the way they mix up with other things in them make of each man or woman their kind of man or woman, make them one of the two kinds of men and women, make of them one of the many kinds in each of the two kinds of them.
     There are then many who have mixed up in them anxious being, impatient feeling, injured and angry feeling. Almost every one has in them their kind of stupid being, mostly every one who knows any one knows this in them. There are some who have their stupid being mixed up in them with their kind of anxious being, their kind of impatient feeling, their kind of injured, their kind of angry feeling.
     Lillian Rosenhagen had very little of any of this mixing. She did have a very little sometimes in her injured feeling in her, there was never very much of such feeling in her but when there was such feeling in her when there was a little an injured feeling inside her it was never in her impatient feeling or anxious feeling or even angry feeling; but she could have sometimes in her a very little injured feeling inside her and this in her was connected inside her with the vague stupid being that was a bottom to her. That makes the being clear in her, there was almost nothing in her ever of impatient feeling and very little in her ever of angry feeling inside her. There was in her anxious being but that never had anything to do with the vague stupid being that was the bottom to her. There was in her not often but real in her sometimes an injured feeling that was not in her ever connected with the anxious feeling often in her with the anxious being of her, it was connected when it was in her, this injured feeling which was very real in her the times it came to be inside her it was connected in her it was part in her of the vague stupid being that was the bottom to her. This had very little in her ever to do with a love matter, almost never, almost never with her sister, a little more with her mother, almost never with a customer, it just sometimes came to be in her. As I said of her she had a physical something that went with the vague stupid bottom of her, that was pleasant in her, it was vague in her, she had never impatient feeling, or in living, anxious feeling, or in loving injured or angry feeling. No man came to ever want to marry her, she went on to her ending living and dress-making and now this is all the history of her.
     With Cecilia Rosenhagen it was a different matter. Cecilia had a very different nature from her sister. No man ever wanted to marry her but it was a different matter from that in the case of her sister. In Lillian's case it was that no man had ever come to want her, no man ever wanted to have Cecilia; that was quite a different matter. Everything in her came from her bottom nature, she always had excitement in her, she always had repeating in her and all the repeating in her was filled with the excitement always in her. She had not much impatient feeling in her, she had very much anxious feeling in her, she did not have very much real anger in her, she had always very much injured being in her. In her, injured being, anxious being, was a suspicious excited state inside her, these were always in her, these filled her when she was living with her sister, when she left her, when she came back to her sister and her mother, when she was living with any friend who would have her, when she was working for or leaving any one who employed her. Anxious being was always in her, it was always in her as injured feeling and an excited suspicious being, that made the whole of her. This did not come to be active in her very much from her sister, a little from her mother, more from any friend who let her live with her, a little from any one who employed her, but mostly she had it in her from everything around her, from every moment of being in her. Excited suspicious living of anxious being and injured feeling, that was the whole of her. She always had a new friend who let her stay with her and then she went to another and so on until she came back again to her mother and her sister and so on to begin again with another. This was a history of her, she was not a good workwoman but not a bad one either, she was good enough so that she would always find some one to employ her, she would always leave them while they were yet willing to keep her, she would have anxious feeling then in her as excitement, as a suspicious feeling, as an injured feeling in her and so then now there is a whole history of her. Sometime perhaps there will be another history of her.