The Last Testament: A Memoir (60 page)
Read The Last Testament: A Memoir Online
Authors: God,David Javerbaum
Tags: #General, #Humor, #Literary Criticism, #Religion, #American, #Topic
CHAPTER 15
(THE LAST CHAPTER)
1
Thou shalt bow as I present myself; I’m a being divine and supreme.
2
I’ve been around since the dawn of time; those who say not so, do blaspheme.
3
I was above when Jesus Christ gave his life to save your souls.
4
Made damn sure apostles wrote it down on moldy scrolls.
5
Gaze not on me; never say my name.
6
But what confoundest thee is my portion of the blame.
7
I watched them kill St. Peter; then I watched the Second Temple fall.
8
Now he’s just a basilica, and it’s only a Wailing Wall.
9
I was twice-paid during each Crusade when both sides died and both sides prayed.
10
Gaze not on me; never say my name.
11
Lo, yea.
12
But what confoundest thee is my portion of the blame.
13
Lo, yea.
14
I stayed at rest while I saw the West pass the centuries raping colonies.
15
I shouted out, “Who slew Leviathan?” when after all, it was only me.
16
Thou shalt bow as I present myself; I’m a being divine and supreme.
17
I had a lapse for two World Wars, but I’m thrilled about thy football team.
18
Gaze not on me; never say my name; lo, yea.
19
But what confoundeth thee is my portion of the blame; lo, yea.
20
Descendeth.
21
Gaze not on me; never say my name; lo, yea.
22
But what confoundest thee is my portion of the blame.
23
Just as every rabbi eats bacon, and all imams drink wine,
24
As wrong is right, call me Merciful; for I wouldst thou fall in line.
25
So this Apocalypse, show humility; show some piety and some awe.
26
Use every kiss-ass compliment, or I’ll suck thee with a straw.
27
Gaze not on me; never say my name; lo, yea.
28
But what confoundest thee is my portion of the blame.
29
Descendeth.
30
Lo, yea, get down; lo, yea; lo, yea.
31
Never say it; never say my name.
32
Never think it; never think my name.
33
Never say it; never say my name.
34
Say it one time, I’ll set thy skin aflame.
35
Lo, lo.
36
Lo, lo.
37
Lo, lo lo.
38
Lo, lo lo.
39
Lo, yea.
40
Lo, yea.
41
Lo, yea yea.
42
Lo, yea yea.
(Long, slow fadeout.)
PRE-MISINTERPRETATIONS
T
he Author is aware that many verses in his previous Scriptures have been wildly, and often lethally, misinterpreted over the centuries. To expedite this process, he has asked that this time the publisher include, by way of exegesis, the following pre-misinterpretations of several key verses in this text. (Note: These are not intended to be the definitive misinterpretations. Readers are encouraged to form, preach, and enforce their own wrong ideas about any lines they like, so long as they in some way diverge from the words’ clear meaning.)
Chapter/Verse | Text | Misinterpretation |
Againesis 4:17 | “And Adam and Steve were naked, and felt no shame; they knew each other, as often as possible.” | “I dislike homosexuals.” |
Againesis 14:23 | “I have been accused of many things in my day, and of some rightly; but I am in no way homophobic.” | “I strongly dislike homosexuals.” |
Reduxodus 9:9 | “And thou shalt make his pans to receive his ashes, and his shovels, and his basins, and his fleshhooks, and his firepans.” | “I cannot even begin to tell you how much I dislike homosexuals.” |
Reduxodus 9:13-16 | “The laws of | “The laws of |
Jewed 2:8 | “If [gentiles] could found a secret organization that meets once a week in the basements of local synagogues to control every aspect of law and finance and entertainment, they | “We gentiles have the cunning, deviousness, and duplicity needed to pull this off.” |
Games 1:20 | “I have . . . on | “And every single one of those occasions adversely impacted |
Gospel Accordingto Dad 9:28 | “Throughout his youth Jesus attended synagogue, and observed the Sabbath.” | “Young Jesus liked to play dress-up Jew.” |
Gospel According to Dad 11:19 | “[The devil] doth, indeed, visit people in their time of need; and offer to grant them mortal happiness in exchange for their immortal soul.” | “The first time you hear about Obamacare, it might not sound that bad.” |
Koranicles 1:18 | “Thou shalt not find | “This book is rife with the virulent hatred of Islam shared by all loyal Americans.” |
Romance 3:5 | “I meant marriage to be a relationship between | “God meant marriage to be a relationship between |
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
1
U
nlike the universe, a book like this is not the kind of project one can throw together by oneself in under a week.
2
No; a book like this is a journey through the forest of the mind, and the text is the trail of words left behind on that journey.
3
But as it happens, my mind is an infinite forest; and since the information it holds is also infinite, putting it on paper would require chopping down every tree in that forest.
4
(Plus it would have made for an ∞-page memoir; which the publishers felt, probably rightly, would make it a tough sell.)
5
Thus a memoir like this requires skillful editing by a brilliant, strong-minded editor, with the confidence to offer frank editorial guidance to a writer who could reduce her down to cinders in a trillionth of a second.
6
Fortunately such an editor was mine; so thank thee, Sarah Knight, for thy gift for language, thy good cheer, and thy deft emotional handling of an Author I admit could at times be quite temperamental.
7
And sorry again about smiting that intern; although in my defense the coffee
was
cold.
8
To Jonathan Karp, the head of Simon & Schuster, thanks for taking a chance—both creative and financial—on this project.
9
I know the advance was steep; but given the sales of my previous books, it was fair.
10
Fear not, Jon: After the first 300 million copies, the rest shall be pure profit!
11
I would also like to thank my literary agent, Daniel Greenberg.
12
This is thy triumph, too, Danny; thou went to bat for me; thou stuck with me e’en in the bad times; thou never lost faith in my work;
13
Yea, even after losing faith in my existence.
14
And Jessica Abell in Marketing and Kelly Welsh in Publicity: You were me-sends!
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