The Last Testament: A Memoir (59 page)

²⁴
At a campaign stop in St. Louis, Obama unzips his fly and masturbates.

²⁵
At a campaign stop in Denver, Palin starts speaking in tongues. Within five minutes, the crowd starts to notice.

²⁶
The Chicago Cubs win the World Series. (Sigh . . . Thou-Knowest-Who
begged.
)

²⁷
A new iPad app allows users to download their favorite foods.

²⁸
The
hajj
in Mecca is disrupted by the deafening heavenly sound of Al Jolson singing “My Yiddishe Momma.”

²⁹
During his third and final debate with Sarah Palin, President Obama remarks, “Anyone else notice those giant Martians over there?”

³⁰
On Mischief Night, 666 deviled eggs are thrown at the home of legendary jockey Angel Cordero.

³¹
There will be no signs of the Apocalypse today. Have a great Halloween, everyone!

CHAPTER 13

NOVEMBER

¹
T
he Three Gorges Dam on the Yangtze River collapses. The ensuing flood wipes out a whopping .01 percent of the Chinese population.

²
Over a hundred twentysomethings invited by last-minute text to an impromptu Central Park pillow fight are instead gunned down by the Mafia in the first-ever flash mob hit.

³
The Palin/Limbaugh ticket is endorsed by whichever person in thy life for whom thou hast the greatest respect.

⁴
Americans set their clocks back an hour to return to Standard Time . . . but I foil their plans by changing the length of a day to 25 hours.

⁵
On Election Day eve, polls show the presidential race a virtual dead heat: 51 percent pills, 49 percent gunshot wound to the head.

⁶
Sarah Louise Palin is elected the 45th president of the United States. Thank thee for ordering the Apocalypse. Please allow six weeks for delivery.

⁷
Hamsters successfully circumnavigate their exercise wheels over and over again.

⁸
President-elect Palin introduces new Secretary of Defense Chuck Norris.

⁹
Mötley Crüe bassist Nikki Sixx embarks on a driving tour of U.S. Route 66.

¹⁰
Just when thou hadst dared to hope the meteor cluster had forgotten about thee, a sonic boom fills the city during lunch. In the sky, the words
I
THEE, [THY NAME]!
have been written with the white contrails of a dozen fireballs. Thou collapsest in Cheryl’s arms, weeping.

¹¹
Thou callest Jenkins
demanding
protection. He agrees to meet thee for coffee. Again, he says thou must have hard proof before any action can be taken. But somehow the masculine way he says it reassures thee. Thou even sharest a few laughs. When he says good-bye, the two of you awkwardly lean in for a kiss, but are interrupted by a mysterious sonic boom.

¹²
In an interview, Charlie Sheen (who these days is neither winning nor losing but breaking even) brags about how many “goddesses” he now has. The number of his boast: 666.

¹³
Peruvian officials refuse to comment on reports that an enormous neon
MACHU TRUMPCHU
sign was seen being hauled up the Andes by llamas.

¹⁴
President-elect Palin introduces new Secretary of the Treasury Mr. Moneybags.

¹⁵
Uzbekistan is wiped off the face of the earth. (Lo, I felt bad, for it had been completely left off the list until now.)

¹⁶
The cedars of Lebanon are rewrought into the cedar patio chairs of Thomasville Furniture.

¹⁷
A week since the words in the sky, and no contact (thank me!) from the cluster. But all day at work thou art anxious, and thy best work friend, Cheryl, is out sick. Then, word starts spreading around the office. Cheryl is dead. It appeareth that while jogging in the park this morning, someone pelted her to death with 400 car-sized boulders.

¹⁸
President-elect Palin introduces new Secretary of Health and Human Services The Terminator.

¹⁹
Thousands are killed by a tornado . . .
in a place where there is traditionally very little wind (TBD)!

²⁰
Last possible reprinting date for
The Last Testament.
Remember my offer, humanity.

²¹
All the world’s itsy-bitsy spiders drown in waterspouts.

²²
This year’s hot new Thanksgiving delicacy is the Panturkham—a ham, stuffed into a turkey, stuffed into a pair of panties.

²³
Christmas music begins at stores and shopping malls, but every song cuts off shortly before the end.

²⁴
President-elect Palin introduces new White House Chief of Staff Guy Dressed Like Jesus.

²⁵
Jenkins says they have put out an APB for the cluster, but short of that there’s nothing else the police can do. In the meantime he—not as a cop, but as a friend—offers to stay over and protect thee. You stare at each other. (Note: at this point thou hast the option of “laying down” with him, but it’s up to thee.)

²⁶
Two wrongs make a right.

²⁷
Bodies in motion tend to stay at rest.

²⁸
What goes up stays up.

²⁹
The sum of the squares of the two legs of a right triangle exceeds the square of the longest side.

³⁰
E=mc3.

CHAPTER 14

DECEMBER

¹
T
hy cell rings. Someone is calling . . .
from inside thy house!
Racing home, thou findest the meteor cluster sitting on thy couch, laughing. Beside it lies the battered corpse of Jenkins. The meteor tells thee it loves thee, “and that if I cannot have thee, no one will!” It takes out a gun and fires. Thou jumpest out of the way. As the clock strikes midnight,

²
the meteor chases thee around the house, firing wildly. It reaches the bedroom, where thou leapest out of the closet and pouncest. The gun falls to the floor; a fierce struggle ensues, leaving thy whole house a shambles. The cluster gains the upper hand but at the last minute, thou seest the gun, just manage to stretch thy hand far enough to grab it, and fire. The cluster lies dying. With its final words it calls thy name and says, “I would have given thee the moon.”

³
Thou walkest on the beach, reflecting on thy ordeal. Yea, it made thee a tougher person, revealed an inner strength previously unknown to thee. But was it worth it? No. Not for Cheryl. Not for Jenkins. And not for thee. Especially since the world ends in a little more than two weeks.

⁴
The sun moves backward.

⁵
Stars plunge from the sky.

⁶
Facebook reaches another milestone with the addition of its 666,666,666th member.

⁷
It’s Ten Plagues Redux! The end is nigh, but there’s still time to re-create the week-and-a-half-long party that set the standard for devastation— only this time,
the whole world’s
invited! We begin with Plague #1: Water turns into blood. It’s thy lucky day, vampires! Thirsty? Just turn on the tap!

⁸
Plague #2: Frogs. This soundeth not so bad, right? Did I mention they’re
radioactive?

⁹
Plague #3: Lice. Schoolkids, prepare to be sent home early and with a bottle of that nasty-smelling shampoo!

¹⁰
Plague #4: Flies.
Everywhere.
And they will be on the lookout for thy swatters, for I shall prebrief them.

¹¹
Plague #5: Cattle sickness. Thou hast heard of mad cow disease—but art thou familiar with
exploding
cow disease?

¹²
Plague #6: Boils. I would not schedule any hot dates for tonight if I were thee; for thy face shall look like unto topographic maps of Mars.

¹³
Plague #7: Hail. The smaller pellets will be the size of BBs, the larger, golf balls; because they will actually
be
BBs and golf balls.

¹⁴
Plague #8: Locusts. Most of thee no longer live on farms, so to make sure no one is left out I am also making them ravenous for concrete.

¹⁵
Plague #9: Darkness. No sun; no moon; no stars; no electricity; no fire. And cheateth not with thy cell phone or I’m starting over at Plague #1 again.

¹⁶
Plague #10: Slaying of the first-born. Seriously, all kidding aside, apologies in advance for thy loss.

¹⁷
[Day off for mourning.]

¹⁸
Earthquakes, volcanoes, hurricanes, lightning, the whole 18 cubits.

¹⁹
Merck creates a pill that makes everybody thin and good-looking. Too little, too late.

²⁰
Chichen Itza splits in two to reveal a mile-long landing pad for a spaceship. Yea, the last sign goes to thee, Mayans. Loved thy passion!

²¹
At midnight, there shall be lightnings and thunders. Winds shall rage and the earth shall split asunder. All the peoples of the world will find themselves gathered in the valley of Megiddo, naked and trembling. Then, from everywhere and nowhere, soft at first, then overpowering all other sounds, shall come the strains of a seductive midtempo samba beat. Very slowly, I, the L
ORD
thy God, King of the Universe, shall descend from on high. And as I do, I shall sing: