The Last Testament: A Memoir (54 page)

¹⁵
After my recent return from a century on the cosmic bench, I had every intention of picking up my career where I left off, only with a healthier attitude; and spending at least a few more centuries godding with the confidence and devil-may-not-exist-yet attitude of my glory days.

¹⁶
But then, as I say, I became aware of the 2012 phenomenon, which tied in to my preexisting admiration for the Mayans; it seemed like a sign.

¹⁷
(Yea, it is silly to take such coincidences as signs; yet thou knowest how such things can seem to betoken some higher purpose.)

¹⁸
I started reflecting on all that had taken place over earth’s 6,000 years of existence—by the way, the Mayans had guessed 5,125; a little bit closer than 13.7
billion
, wouldst thou not say?—

¹⁹
And then I started reflecting on my relationship with thee: what had gone wrong, who was at fault,
why
it was thy fault, and whether any of it even mattered anymore.

²⁰
And then I started wondering if maybe the Mayans, as usual, were correct; whether this
was
the right time to end one phase of my career and move on to the next; before the memory of my greatness was obscured by my age, and I became like unto Brett Favre quarterbacking the cosmos.

²¹
For now that I had had some time to get my head together, and gain some insights as to who I was (and am and will always be), there was nothing to keep me from starting over; nothing preventing me from creating another universe, one better suited for my needs, at least at this point in my forever.

²²
But I was finished with cheating; for I had seen the pain it caused, and could not stand the thought of the human race once again having to vie (albeit unknowingly) for my attention; for through every era of history it remained steadfast in its faith in me, even though I had given it many reasons—85,435,432,143, to be exact—not to.

²³
I had made a vow never to be dishonest to thee again, and I meant to keep it; no, this would have to be a clean and total break;

²⁴
For mankind, I love thee far too deeply not to destroy thee utterly.

²⁵
And so I made the decision: one last crazy year, and then we say good-bye, not in regret but in friendship; valuing the time we spent together, treasuring the memories we shared, and putting behind us the anger thou caused.

²⁶
The world began on October 23, 4004 B.C.; it will end on December 21, 2012; pencil it in.

²⁷
(But remember what I said at the end of Facts 5:2–9, about there being a little wiggle room to leave time for a sequel if this book selleth well enough.

²⁸
No pressure.)

CHAPTER 2

¹
S
o much for the when of Armageddon; but the how has been well-established for almost two millennia.

²
H. G., Jesus, and I worked out the details at a meeting shortly after the Crucifixion; and the plan we created is the one we intend to follow on December 21, 2012.

³
Shortly after that meeting in the late 1st century, I visited John the Evangelist and granted him the vision of end-times that he wrote down in
The Book of Revelation.

⁴
Its hallucinatory imagery, discursive plot, cryptic language, and overall Ursula K. Le Guin–on-PCP feel have led many to question its authenticity as true divine prophecy.

⁵
But verily, everything on the page
is
an accurate and complete account of the vision John beheld that night on the Greek island of Patmos;

⁶
Which, like the tale of Leviathan, I made up as I went along.

⁷
How’s
that
for revelation?

⁸
What, didst thou really believe I would reveal every detail of the Apocalypse, so that when it comes thou wouldst know exactly what to expect and how to prepare?

⁹
Who dost thou take me for, Thor?

¹⁰
No, I used John to head-fake thee, and head-faked thou wert; for with Revelation as its guide, the end-of-the-world trade grew exponentially from a black market, to a cottage industry, to a legitimate business, to the military-eschatological complex it is today.

¹¹
Even
I
am surprised it hath proven so popular; for in hindsight, most of the stuff I crammed into John’s hallucination that night was third-tier mythology I would not have fobbed off on the Inuit.

¹²
I attribute its continued influence not to the great number of people who have read it, but to the far greater number who have
not.

¹³
For
The Book of Revelation
is definitely one of those works whose authority withstands ignorance far better than familiarity.

¹⁴
Verily, get high one night and read it, if thou wouldst giggle unceasingly.

¹⁵
But what I
am
willing to share, is the schedule for the signs leading
up to
the unknown events of December 21, 2012.

¹⁶
There will be one such sign every day (more or less) starting from January 1, and my team and I are putting a
lot
of effort into them; more than is strictly prudent, to be honest with thee.

¹⁷
For as thou shalt see, most of these signs require a great deal of planning and topnotch production values; and allotting the needed angelpower for their execution will put additional stress on the rest of the staff preparing for the dark, unfathomable events of December 21, 2012.

¹⁸
I could say we are doing it to pander to mankind’s love of omens, but the omens man prefers are of the cryptic variety; as with Nostradamus, who will write vaguely of, say, “a brown man from the south,” prompting the creative reader to make a mental connection that sends him leaping out of his chair yelling, “Hugo Chavez!”

¹⁹
Our omens, however, are much more unambiguous; moreover—and
this
is the real reason we are putting so much effort into them—they are fun.

²⁰
We had a great time writing them, the boys and I; it was like the Ten Plagues all over again; and I know we shall have a good time turning them into reality, as we shall the mysterious, terrifying, indescribably inconceivable events of December 21, 2012;

²¹
The very first of which, against my own better judgment, I have included at the end of this schedule.

²²
It is my way of saying thank thee, dear Reader, for devoting some of the precious little time left in thy life to reading this humble book.

²³
I will pay thee back.

CHAPTER 3

JANUARY

¹
A
s the ball drops at midnight in Times Square, it shatters to reveal the severed head of Santa Claus.

²
In India, a two-headed cow is born to a two-headed sheep.

³
Italy wakes up to find it is now shaped like a ballet flat.

⁴
Everybody in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir marries everybody else.

⁵
Grand opening of the Galápagos Mega-Mall.

⁶
The average price of a gallon of gas in America hits $6.66.

⁷
A distant cousin he’d never heard of bequeaths Donald Trump his entire $5 billion estate.

⁸
An avalanche in Switzerland leaves 20 dead and thousands without chocolate.

⁹
Starbucks debuts its new “molto massimo” cup, which holds the same volume of liquid as the store itself.

¹⁰
Fox premieres its reality show,
So You Think You Can Fly a Plane.

¹¹
A madman gains control of Epcot’s Germany Pavilion. By the time he is stopped, six million novelty steins have been incinerated.

¹²
The UN General Assembly rejects Security Council Resolution 1981, which would have granted them permission to go to the bathroom.

¹³
Jennifer Aniston signs a 10-boyfriend deal with
Us Weekly.

¹⁴
The Great Pyramid of Giza collapses in a Ponzi scheme.

¹⁵
Golden Globes host Ricky Gervais opens the show by shooting Robert Downey Jr. to death.

¹⁶
Physicists at the CERN Lab outside Geneva successfully convert two subatomic particles to Methodism.

¹⁷
It rains men. No one says “Hallelujah.”

¹⁸
Boox!iya, the last-known survivor of the Yahapde tribe of the Amazon rainforest, is accepted into the freshman class at Oral Roberts University.

¹⁹
Thousands of dead birds fall from the sky . . .
to the ground!

²⁰
Despite overwhelming evidence, Disney employees emphatically deny the incineration of six million novelty steins the week before.

²¹
Around the world, actual angry birds are seen attacking actual green pigs by hurling themselves in actual slingshots.

²²
Half the world’s computers are hit with a virus that gives them pneumonia.

²³
George Lucas begins preproduction on
Star Wars Episode 0: American Graffiti.
It is a shot-for-shot remake of
American Graffiti
performed by Ewoks.

²⁴
The Great Wall of China collapses. The government immediately orders 100,000,000 citizens to stand on each other’s shoulders in a 4,000-mile-long line.

²⁵
At some point today, the word “literally” is misused by literally everyone on earth.

²⁶
The Osama bin Laden Hideout Family Funhouse opens in Abbottabad, Pakistan. Its slogan: “The best time you ever ji-had!”