The Last Testament: A Memoir (56 page)

⁹
Today’s primaries mathematically clinch the Republican presidential nomination for a person of whose five children, one became a single mother at 18, and the other four are named, from oldest to youngest, for: a sport; a weeping tree; an archaic flautist; and a branch of high school mathematics.

¹⁰
After over a century as “The King of Beers,” Budweiser abdicates its throne to spend more time with its Budweiser Family of Beers.

¹¹
At a press conference, the newly appointed Librarian of Congress attempts to show that libraries are cool by taking off her glasses, undoing her top blouse button, and letting her hair down. She is 73 years old.

¹²
The putative Republican nominee addresses an enthusiastic crowd of thousands of carbon-based human beings like thee, who sincerely want her to be their president.

¹³
The president of Somalia submits his resignation. Parliament rejects it. The president asks for a coup. The army demurs. The president demands to be assassinated. The citizens refuse. The president shoots himself. He serves out his term.

¹⁴
Iran successfully tests a nuclear bomb, only to realize afterward it was the only one they had.

¹⁵
On the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the
Titanic
, hundreds of victims’ skeletons rise to the surface demanding Céline Dion be handed over to them.

¹⁶
The Dead Sea Scrolls spontaneously combust. The only letters left behind are Aramaic for “zoinks!”

¹⁷
After a long battle with impotence, Hugh Hefner’s erection dies at age 86.

¹⁸
The state of Mississippi overruns its borders, flooding Alabama and Tennessee with over 80 square miles of stupid.

¹⁹
Thousands of dead cows hang on hooks . . .
in butcher shops!

²⁰
This 4/20 I shall be-schwag even thy dankest blunts into stems and seeds. Prepare for a buzzkill, bedbugs.

²¹
Plates and glassware emerge from the dishwasher soaked after I replace all thy rinse aid with rinse hindrance.

²²
The planet receives a thoughtful Everest-sized Happy Earth Day card from the asteroid belt.

²³
During a London production of
Jesus Christ Superstar,
every audience member’s cell phone starts to ring during the Act Two power ballad “Could We Start Again, Please?”

²⁴
The ninth International Gathering of Shamans opens in Stonehenge with the annual Shaving of the Pits.

²⁵
Not a single boss remembers to buy a card for Administrative Professionals Day. Millions of secretaries are mildly disappointed.

²⁶
A massive blackout leaves Tokyo without power.

²⁷
An 8.2 earthquake strikes 50 miles west of Tokyo, toppling many buildings.

²⁸
The tsunami-damaged Fukushima Daiichi Power Plant #1 experiences a major meltdown; a radioactive cloud begins drifting south toward Tokyo.

²⁹
Godzilla appears in Tokyo Bay and starts making his way toward the city.

³⁰
Tokyoites continue patiently awaiting instructions from authorities.

CHAPTER 7

MAY

¹
A
voice is heard over the PA system of all planes in flight, helpfully notifying passengers, “Today is May Day! May Day! May Day! May Day!”

²
To appease nervous parents, the governors of Colorado and Wyoming agree to round the corners of their states to make them baby-proof.

³
The Christ the Redeemer statue overlooking Rio falls off the mountain, but is saved from breaking when it lands on a local woman’s bootylicious ass.

⁴
Mexicans are baffled as Cinco de Mayo arrives a day early.

⁵
At the Kentucky Derby, Pestilence wins by a nose over War, with Famine taking third. Rounding out the superfecta? Thou guessed it: Death.

⁶
A four-month eating binge leaves Rush Limbaugh tipping the scales at 666 pounds.

⁷
Brangelina separate. After a bitter custody fight over their name, they agree to divorce as Brang Pitt and Elina Jolie.

⁸
An enormous tornado strikes western Kansas. There are no signs of life within a 50-mile radius. Then the tornado hits.

⁹
In Hollywood, production starts on a remake of a sequel to a film based on a video game modeled after a TV show licensed from a comic book inspired by actual events. Michael Bay is directing.

¹⁰
SeaWorld launches a new show featuring their seven seals; and lo, “The Seven Seals” is opened; and each seal heralds the coming of an even more adorable trick.

¹¹
MTV’s new reality show
Low-Class Ethnic Scum
draws record ratings.

¹²
A woman bathes in Calgon but is not taken away.

¹³
Jesus tries to take Mary out to dinner for Mother’s Day, but returns to heaven in frustration upon discovering every table on earth is booked.

¹⁴
It is National Buttermilk Biscuit Day. That already seemed apocalyptic enough to me.

¹⁵
Climatologists reclassify the polar ice caps as “ice beanies.”

¹⁶
The world’s largest untapped reserve of oil and natural gas is discovered beneath New Jersey’s Trump National Golf Club.

¹⁷
Easter Island’s moai miraculously begin to speak. The talking heads are quickly hired by MSNBC to anchor prime time. Ratings spike.

¹⁸
Vatican City wins Eurovision 2012 with its Gregorian rocker “Don’t Alter Those Boys!”

¹⁹
Thousands of dead batteries are renewed . . .
in chargers!

²⁰
As today’s solar eclipse ends, the sun reemerges smiling and wearing sunglasses like he does on weather maps.

²¹
In the area of the Indian Ocean where Osama bin Laden was buried, fishermen start hauling in crabs with beards, turbans, and a vitriolic hatred of the United States.

²²
Armaggedoni’s, an Italian restaurant near Calvary in Jerusalem, introduces a new dish: angel-hair
fra diavolo.

²³
The success of
Low-Class Ethnic Scum
prompts MTV to begin work on a spin-off,
Subliterate Anthropoid Beach House.

²⁴
Remember that meteor cluster from late February thou kept seeing? It appeareth directly overhead again on thy drive to work. Lo, it’s not . . . following thee, is it?

²⁵

²⁶
AWAY

²⁷

²⁸
ON

²⁹

³⁰
VACATION

³¹

CHAPTER 8

JUNE

¹
T
he Dalai Lama is arrested in a Queens brothel after beating a hooker senseless during a weeklong crack binge.

²
The earth briefly stops turning on its axis after Bill O’Reilly expresses his wish that the whole world was a no-spin zone.

³
Walmarts across America open stands selling lemonade for 10 cents, staffed by mentally challenged first-graders. All privately owned neighborhood lemonade stands go bankrupt within weeks.

⁴
On Thailand’s
Visakha Puja
(Buddha Day), an avatar of the Enlightened One enters one of Bangkok’s many sex-change clinics asking to be transformed into “Buddhina, Queen of the Lotus.”

⁵
A cooties epidemic renders half the world’s children icky.

⁶
At the World Scrabble® Championship, unknown contestant Lou Ceepher comes from out of nowhere to win the finals 666–0.

⁷
Blood trickles from faucets.

⁸
Blood pours from shower heads.

⁹
All plumbers are struck dead, leaving no one to fix the bloody faucets and shower heads.

¹⁰
The Tony Awards gives its Best Musical prize to
Hold Me Now!: The Thompson Twins Story.

¹¹
The presumptive Republican nominee for president, whom thou hadst forgotten about for a few weeks, appears on a major talk show, thereby reminding thee she is one of the two people who could be elected president of the United States.

¹²
The Southern Cross disappears from the night sky, replaced by the Southern Pentagram.

¹³
The Republican presidential nominee hires Karl Rove as Chief Sinister Cackling Machiavelli.

¹⁴
The Netherlands legalizes crime.

¹⁵
That same meteor cluster appears about a block behind thee on thy way to work. Weird.

¹⁶
It rains on all weddings held today. (Note: someone will inevitably tell the bride, “Rain on your wedding is a sign of good luck!” No. It is a sign of the Apocalypse.)

¹⁷
Jesus decides to return to earth to take me out to dinner for Father’s Day. This time he reserves a table well in advance. But at the last minute we both realize we’d rather just order in.

¹⁸
All employees are afflicted with a catastrophic case of the Mondays.

¹⁹
Thousands of dead presidents emerge . . .
from wallets!