The Last Testament: A Memoir (52 page)

ROMANCE

(“On Sex, Love, and Marriage”)

CHAPTER 1

¹
I
am probably not the first God thou thinkest of when it comes to sex.

²
Thou art more likely to think of deities like Venus; or Cupid; or Ishtar; or Hef.

³
But they are myths, mere figments of the carnal imagination; whereas I am the L
ORD
thy God, King of the Universe; and my knowledge of all things sexual is, like Adam before I created Steve, bottomless.

⁴
It was
I
who devised the human reproductive system;
I
who bequeathed unto the penis its dual nature as procreator and puppet;
I
who hid the secret of the female orgasm behind a dense thicket of overgrowth reachable to only the most intrepid and dedicated of explorers;

⁵
And it is
I
who watched over 60 Biblical generations beget one another using over 700 different begetting positions; including one called the “Judean Flamethrower,” which once sent King Solomon to the hospital with his testicles stuck in an oil lamp.

⁶
And yet people seeking guidance in matters of intimacy rarely turn to me; preferring the counsel of wise friends, or sage pills, or gifted vibrators.

⁷
People see me as “above all that”; and worse, as prudish and stuffy; contemptuous of all purely recreational sexual activity.

⁸
Certainly I disapprove of masturbation; but not because I view it as a moral weakness, or even a wasteful scattering of seed.

⁹
No; I disapprove of masturbation because I am God, and so when people do it,
I have to watch.

¹⁰
Yea; this is when All-Seeingness really feels more like a burden than a blessing.

¹¹
But as for extramarital sex, that is known in the Bible as “fornication”; and that word has over time taken on a negative connotation I did not intend.

¹²
For at the time of the Old and New Testaments, fornication meant nothing more or less than “fuckin.’”

¹³
(That’s “fuckin’,” with no
g
at the end; an intentional apocope meant to underscore my relaxed attitude toward the act.)

¹⁴
My views on fornication, and sex in general, are in fact quite nuanced; and I could herein outline in great detail my thoughts on foreplay, and oral sex, and tantric orgasms, and all manner of deviant variations;

¹⁵
And do so with such thoroughness, that during all future acts of intercourse thou wouldst picture me, the L
ORD
thy God, King of the Universe, guiding thee; commanding thee, staring at thee as I do on the cover of this book, and in this way no doubt increasing thy sexual arousal.

¹⁶
But I will not.

¹⁷
I understand that thou desirest to leave me out of thy bedroom; at least when thou art not reverential and on thy knees; or at least
most
of those times.

¹⁸
But if that is the case, then I beseech thee, for the love of all that is holy, and the love of all that is not: if thou truly wouldst keep thy moments of intimacy secular,

¹⁹
Stop shouting my name.

²⁰
Verily, talk about a mixed message!

²¹
I witness sex acts over 1.5 billion times a day; I do it not because I am a voyeur;
I do it because you summon me.

²²
I do not do likewise when
I
regenerate; when I spew forth lava to create new land, I do not start shouting, “O Candice Hagerty of Bournemouth, England! O my Candice Hagerty of Bournemouth, England! Please keep doing
exactly
what you’re doing!”

²³
Stop it; please; I already have TMI on every nonvirgin on earth.

²⁴
(Note: by “Candice Hagerty of Bournemouth, England” I of course mean all of you, but I also specifically mean Candice Hagerty of Bourne-mouth, England.

²⁵
Candice, lower thy voice; he’s not that good, and neither am I.)

CHAPTER 2

¹
L
ove is a far deeper and mysterious phenomenon than sex; one I only partially understand.

²
Thou hast a saying, “God is love”; false; I am everything; do not pigeonhole me.

³
From my perspective, when two people fall in love, it is as if some new physical constant has been added to the universe.