The Last Testament: A Memoir (47 page)

⁶²
It’s just . . . that . . . easy!

[The next five theses introduce a subplot about a lovable but mischievous puppy who diggeth up the neighbor’s prize gardenias; it nearly jumpeth the shark.]

⁶⁸
Unlike those other guys, we don’t come with a built-in hierarchy; so since no one starts out “holier than thou,” everyone has the chance to
become
that way.

⁶⁹
That’s why when it comes to confessing, we don’t turn to the so-called “experts” with their magical booths; instead, we rely on our own congregation’s built-in sense of scorn.

⁷⁰
And we express that scorn using the most advanced system of social ostracism ever devised: A finely calibrated spectrum of disdain containing no less than 143 distinct shame-shades, from furtive looks and hushed whispers all the way to burning at the stake!

[There followeth four well-placed insert ads for local stake manufacturers.]

⁷⁹
Still not convinced? Listen to these testimonials I’ve miraculously culled from decades and centuries into the future!

⁸⁰
“I used to be an ordinary Catholic in Zurich. Then I joined your movement. Now I play a crucial role in shaping Swiss theology—the most boring aspect of the boringest nation on earth. Thanks, Protestantationalism®!”
—Ullrich Zwingli, Zurich, Switzerland

⁸¹
“I was so insufferably pompous I needed an entire ocean’s worth of space between myself and the continent I was holier than. Thanks to Protestantationalism®, I got it, and today I’m running my own witch trials!”—Cotton Mather, Plymouth, Massachusetts

⁸²
“Zagnutab utta butta zhoot, yorma mitder pfffffffellen zordyx! Klee! Klee klee klee! Kleeeeeee!
There! Be gone, lymphoma!”—Tom Brown, Tom Brown Ministries

[There followeth a long public-service thesis on behalf of the Hanseatic League: “The Hanseatic League: We’ve Got a ‘Guild-y’ Conscience!”]

⁸⁴
My friends, I know that some of you still have doubts about all this; that you may find it hard to even envision a world where Christianity has undergone such a radical transformation.

⁸⁵
But I, Martin Luther, have a dream.

⁸⁶
I have a dream that one day there will be a sect of Christianity specifically associated with oats.

⁸⁷
I have a dream that one day priests will no longer be forced to live in a state of unnatural celibacy, but will be free to marry and have celibacy slowly descend upon them in the natural way.

⁸⁸
I have a dream that one day, the love of Jesus will be expressible through honking.

⁸⁹
I have a dream that one day, people will walk around with
WWJD
? bracelets, to remind themselves of what Jesus would do, and what Jesus would not do; such as wear a bracelet.

⁹⁰
And I have a dream that one day people will be judged not by the content of their character, but by their outward adherence to a core set of talking points.

⁹¹
Libera me! Libera me! Deo gratia omnipotens, libera me!

⁹²
Some restrictions apply.

⁹³
Predestination does not constitute legally binding guarantee of acceptance to heaven.

⁹⁴
Theses not applicable to freethinkers and savages.

⁹⁵
Copyright 1517, Refor-Madness Productions Limited. All rites reserved.

CHAPTER 10

¹
P
rotestantism’s user-friendly tenets sold themselves, and quickly spread through Europe like unto a wildfire of hot-cakes.

²
Jesus was delighted to see Christianity thus reinvigorated; he had begun to question the integrity of the very religion that bore his name, but seeing his faith restored restored his faith.

³
Even the church benefited in the long run, for the new competition forced it to become leaner and more responsive.

⁴
One can see the improvement in its handling of the Galileo affair; for after finding him guilty of heresy it took them less than 400 years to correct their mistake; in the old days it would have taken over 1,000.

⁵
(Raphael likes to mirth that Protestantism and Catholicism should be called Pepsism and Cokism: for they are both essentially the same sugar water with different packaging; yet each side’s partisans are fiercely loyal, and contemptuous of the other; and the more of their product they consume the more high-strung they become;

⁶
Until inevitably they exchange words; the words become blows; the blows escalate into an all-out Cola War; the parties exchange an eye for an eye until everyone goes blind; at which point they are suitably prepared for the taste-test.

⁷
Yea; the streets of Belfast are caked with blood that may as well be corn syrup.)

⁸
But as for me, I had no strong reaction to the Reformation one way or the other; for my mind, while everywhere, was elsewhere; and by the early 16th century I was devoting less and less of my time to the affairs of man.

⁹
Now, this was partly because over half the human race was by then securely in the thrall of either Christianity or Islam; and with two such pure and incorruptible faiths holding sway I knew little harm could come to the world.

¹⁰
Also, while the details of the afterlife remain classified, it reveals little to tell thee that the population of heaven has grown considerably over time; and that as it has, I have been forced to allocate a greater proportion of my resources to its upkeep.

¹¹
It is a success problem to be sure, but a problem nonetheless; for heaven is the kind of place one wants to keep nice.

¹²
But I had also begun struggling with certain divine issues.

¹³
For I was now over 5,500 years old; and I was starting to experience some of the natural symptoms of aging.

¹⁴
I was not as omnipresent as I once had been; tasks that once took a quintillionth of a second now took a quadrillionth; I had a harder time flushing away heresy with regularity; and worst of all, I started noticing a deterioration of my short-term memory.

¹⁵
By this I most emphatically do
not
mean I was or am no longer omniscient; all knowledge in the universe is still contained within me; my mind, as always, is like unto an immeasurably vast library.

¹⁶
It is merely that some of the books are overdue; and the reference desk is not as well staffed as it used to be; and the computer system has broken down, so I am back to relying on the card catalogue;

¹⁷
Which is poorly alphabetized, and written in all the languages of the world;

¹⁸
And the library is closed.

¹⁹
The low point came in the 13th century, when I referred to the “Golden Age of Monasticism” as the “Bronze Age” to its face.

²⁰
I tried coasting along; I told myself it was nothing serious; nothing I could not handle with a little help from me.

²¹
But as thou knowest, the end of any Middle Ages can betimes trigger a spiritual calamity in a sentient being; and alas, I proved no exception.

²²
I looked back on what I had accomplished on earth; I reflected on where I was; I looked ahead to the time I had left before Armageddon; and I came unglued.

²³
Humanity, here beginneth a dark time.

CHAPTER 11

¹
F
or I have spent the last 500 years going through a midternity crisis.

²
I have been wanton; I have been irresponsible; I have done and failed to do things of which I am so ashamed that I choose to remain ignorant of them.

³
(For I have the ability to keep myself in denial; I simply set my all-powerfulness to work on my all-knowingness.)

⁴
But now I shall delve deeply into my deeply delvable self, and briefly chronicle the dissolution of my last few centuries, spilling many more of my heretofore sacrosanct beans;

⁵
In the interests of candor and commercial prurience, yes, but also in the hopes that it may steer thee away from making some of the same bad choices I have made; particularly the young believers out there, many of whom see me as some kind of role model.

⁶
I will begin by reminding thee of my earlier confession—that after the death of Jacob I began overseeing another universe.

⁷
Reader, I must now admit that that was only a partial truth.

⁸
I have been overseeing more than one other universe.

⁹
I have been overseeing 29 other universes.

¹⁰
Let me explain.

¹¹
As the Renaissance dawned, and man for the first time since ancient Greece began developing strong interests outside our relationship, I found myself feeling somewhat superfluous.

¹²
I watched as great artists and writers and thinkers began to live their lives, neither in adoration nor defiance of me, but in indifference.

¹³
This made me angry, and as thou knowest I have wrath-management issues; but I could no longer simply manifest that wrath in the violent way I had before; not with Jesus, and H. G., and Moses, and Muhammad, and the entire heavenly bureaucracy urging restraint and watching my every move.

¹⁴
So rather than act out, I sought to relive my past glories by cavorting with many other cosmoses:

¹⁵
All younger than thee, some even less than half thy age; and most of them none too bright, having but a few stars apiece.

¹⁶
I even customized one universe cherry red!

¹⁷
Yea; as pathetic as it sounds, I redshifted that entire universe; then I got into it and drove it forward as fast as possible, just to feel the vacuum rush by.