The Last Testament: A Memoir (43 page)

²³
Nice one, A. A.! Who wrote that for thee, Tigger or Pooh?!?

²⁴
[Recovering from convulsive laughter.]

²⁵
Yea, some of the things said by nonbelievers are not to be believed.

²⁶
For propaganda purposes I am sure they would like to see me—or rather “me,” in quotes, since I am merely a figment of my own imagination— continue my long litany of malapropisms advocating their godlessness;

²⁷
But I shall refrain.

²⁸
Atheists: ye may not believe in me; but I wholeheartedly believe in
you.

²⁹
So go ahead; continue not giving me the benefit of the lack of doubt.

³⁰
But start thinking about what thou mightest say on the infinitesimally off-chance thou one day findest thyself standing before me.

³¹
Yea; start thinking about it
now
; for if it ever does happen, I can promise thee this: it will be a short meeting.

FALLOPIANS

(“On Abortion”)

CHAPTER 1

¹
I
will keep this brief.

²
One day I called my editor, excited.

³
“Art thou sitting down?” I asked.

⁴
“Yeah, Goddy baby, what is it?” she said.

⁵
“Sarah, thou and I... are going to have a section about abortion!”

⁶
[Silence.]

⁷
“Didst thou hear what I said?” I asked. “We . . . are going to have ... a section on abortion!

⁸
Canst thou believe it? A definitive statement of my true feelings about abortion that we can share with the world!”

⁹
[Silence.]

¹⁰
“Art thou there?”

¹¹
“Yes . . . are you sure?”

¹²
“Yea.”

¹³
“How do you know?”

¹⁴
“Verily, a God just knoweth.”

¹⁵
[More silence.]

¹⁶
“I thought thou wouldst be excited.”

¹⁷
“God . . . we talked about this. I told you very clearly, I am
not
ready to deal with the consequences of publishing a section on abortion.

¹⁸
At least not for a few years.”

¹⁹
“But thou also saidst that if having such a section would make me happy, thou wouldst welcome it with open arms.

²⁰
Besides, didst thou not tell me thou desired a little controversy?”

²¹
“A
little
controversy, yes!

²²
Werewolves, for example.

²³
I could deal with a section talking about werewolves.

²⁴
It would be cute to have one of those.

²⁵
But this is a whole different ballgame, God. Having an abortion section would change everything we’ve been planning for the future; everything we’ve been working to achieve.

²⁶
The marketing, the target audience, the security detail...
everything.”

²⁷
“There, there, we can make it work, Sarah; thou art being hysterical.”

²⁸
“No—
thou
art the—damn, I hate when you make me talk like that!
You
are the one being naïve, God.”

²⁹
“Then I am sorry thou feelest that way. But the decision is made. This chapter has already been conceived. We are having this section.”

³⁰
“Oh, are we? Well, what about me, God? Does the editor get a say in all this? Or was I just here to donate my grammar?”

³¹
“And what about the
section,
Sarah? Does the
section
get a say in all this?

³²
I can already feel it stirring inside me, Sarah. I already feel it kicking around inside me, and . . . and . . . and I think I already love this section on abortion!”

³³
“Would you at least come with me to talk to the publisher?”

³⁴
“No! I care not what the publisher says! What an author does with his book is nobody’s business but the author’s!

³⁵
Keep your filthy pen off my chapter!”

CHAPTER 2

¹
A
month went by, and as the abortion section continued to quicken in me, its reality—and my love for it—grew more palpable with each passing week.

²
Then, during what I had been told was a “routine check-in” with Sarah, the publisher, and the entire sales team, I was forcibl

1,400 YEARS OF SANCTITUDE

CHAPTER 1

¹
I
will now address an often-overlooked stage of my career: the last 1,400 years.

²
It was an eventful time.

³
I will begin with the Middle Ages, which I recall as a very pleasant period. The Dark Ages, especially; delightful.

⁴
I remember them as thou mayest remember that childhood summer at Grandma’s rustic lake house, when the days blended languorously into each other, and thou basked in the love of those who worshipped thee, and derived endless amusement from watching the tiny creepy-crawly creatures flailing beneath thy feet;

⁵
Perhaps now and again amusing thyself by incinerating one with a magnifying glass, but for the most part content to observe.

⁶
Yea, one can nitpick about the medieval era’s poverty, squalor, disease, intellectual torpor, and cultural stagnation; but to me these are mere quibbles.

⁷
From where I sat it was the grandest period of human history; particularly in Europe, where no one complained, people expected little from life, and everybody—
everybody
—had religion.

⁸
And the architecture! The great cathedrals of the Middle Ages still rank in my mind as among thy greatest cultural achievements; structures worthy of me and my sons.

⁹
Sometimes when I’m inside one, I can almost
feel
my presence.

¹⁰
Above all do I love stained glass; for it is impossible to create a work in that medium that doth not appear awe-inspiring.

¹¹
It can turn a circle into a halo, a bird into an angel, and a face into a god; and I have no doubt that if an artist were to render the interior of a T.J. Maxx in stained glass, and place it high in a sunlit nave, it would to an onlooker below appear like nothing less than the halls of heaven, overflowing with a bounteous cornucopia of merchandise, offered at prices blurring the distinction between earthly and divine.

¹²
As for those who cavil that the Middle Ages were a time of horrific religious strife, I would point out that they have that in common with both the Early Ages that preceded it, and the Late Ages still to come.

¹³
(And wait till thou seest the Last Ages!)

¹⁴
Besides, for pure spiritual entertainment,
nothing
compared to the Crusades.

¹⁵
For a God like me, watching Christians and Muslims slaughter each other for over two centuries was a profoundly rewarding experience.

¹⁶
Yea, there is nothing more gratifying than watching tens of thousands of people express their undying love for thee by running through tens of thousands of other people who possess equally undying love for thee with a pike.

¹⁷
(Especially knowing that in the end, the theological problems of two great faiths amounteth not to a hill of beans in thy crazy world.)

¹⁸
And there were so many Crusades! Verily, so many even
I
found it hard to keep tally.

¹⁹
There were at least nine; in some of them the Christians emerged victorious, and in others the Muslims;

²⁰
And there was also that one Children’s Crusade; I suppose no one won that one, although the traders who sold all those innocents into slavery made out fairly well; for back then a good child slave was worth his weight in cloves.

²¹
But as with sporting contests, at no point in any of these Crusades did I ever actively intervene on behalf of either side; or even cheer for one.

²²
For that would be like asking Archie Manning whether he roots for Peyton to defeat Eli when they play each other, or for Eli to defeat Peyton.

²³
Is not the only right answer for a loving father, “Can they not
both
be defeated?”

CHAPTER 2

¹
I
also fondly remember the Middle Ages as a time when monarchy was the only conceivable form of earthly government.

²
Rome had fallen, and with it any idea of a legislature; and Europe became little more than a collection of warring monarchic microstates.

³
There were many of these; at one point there were over 87,000 of them, some with only two inhabitants; but even in these, one person was king, the other food-taster.

⁴
I am a great proponent of kingdoms; there is something about the idea of hordes of people bowing in servility to a single throne that appealeth to me.