The Last Testament: A Memoir (55 page)

²⁷
Rivers run red with blood.

²⁸
Rivers run yellow with urine.

²⁹
Rivers run green with mucus.

³⁰
Rivers run white with breast milk.

³¹
All waterways free to run with bodily fluid of their choice.

CHAPTER 4

FEBRUARY

¹
T
he pope surprises Vatican observers by declaring February International Pedophilia Month.

²
Groundhog “Punxsutawney Phil” emerges from his burrow and sees his shadow next to that of the Grim Reaper. He dies on the spot.

³
After a long negotiation, Israel finally agrees to terms to a peace treaty with the Sumerians.

⁴
A piece of litter is seen on a street in Toronto.

⁵
The Anglican Church bans gays from entering the priesthood, but to safeguard its future also bans them from leaving it.

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In the first primary election of the 2012 campaign season, the Iowa Republican caucus is won by the party’s previous nominee for vice-president.

⁷
A month-long bear market drops the Dow Jones to a 15-year low of 6,666.66.

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McDonald’s launches its new sandwich “The McEmbolism.”

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While cooking for friends, ex–British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward accidentally spills 100,000 gallons of vegetable oil in his kitchen.

¹⁰
A flotilla of 500 Cubans leaves Havana bound for Miami. The 25 left-handed pitchers onboard are granted political asylum.

¹¹
In a 6–3 ruling, the US Supreme Court declares it unconstitutional for the guy living next door to them to play his music that loud.

¹²
Venus Williams eats a Mars bar while exchanging her Mercury for a Saturn in Neptune, New Jersey.

¹³
Frogs rain from the sky all afternoon. They trail off into a light frog-drizzle by early evening; then a mild night, with lows in the 40s.

¹⁴
When eaten, Valentine’s Day candy hearts spurt blood.

¹⁵
Just after midnight, the winner of the New Hampshire Republican primary is announced as the former weekend fill-in sports reporter for KTUU-TV in Anchorage.

¹⁶
American Air Lines flight 353, carrying 152 passengers and 11 crew, lands safely in Omaha, Nebraska. All on board are forced to spend time there.

¹⁷
An iceberg bigger than Rhode Island drifts down from the Arctic Ocean to the coast of Rhode Island, which it proceeds to taunt mercilessly.

¹⁸
The number of pornographic images a person can Google exceeds the number for which Google was named.

¹⁹
Thousands of dead fish come ashore . . .
in fishing boats!

²⁰
On Presidents’ Day the faces on Mt. Rushmore transform Dorian Gray–style to resemble the men as they would actually look if they had lived until 2012.

²¹
During a surprise visit to Mardi Gras, Queen Elizabeth II shows thee her tits. All things considered, not bad.

²²
A meteor cluster appears over thy head at midnight.

²³
The same meteor cluster is visible at noon.

²⁴
The same cluster is visible three or four times, about a block behind thee.

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When thou returnest home, thou hast a message from the cluster, introducing itself and asking thee out for a drink.

²⁶
At the Academy Awards, Pauly Shore takes home Best Actor honors, while a block of she-wood upsets Katherine Heigl for Best Actress. Best Picture?
Tyler Perry’s Taking a Dump.

²⁷
Bowing to Tea Party pressure, the International House of Pancakes declares foreign pancakes no longer welcome in its restaurants.

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The winner of the pivotal South Carolina Republican primary is a person who served five-eighths of a term leading America’s 47th-most populous state.

²⁹
No signs of the Apocalypse scheduled. (Verily, I forgot it was a leap year!)

CHAPTER 5

MARCH

¹
M
arch comes in like a lion biting the head off the president of Tanzania during a nationally televised news conference.

²
Justin Bieber—aged 18 years, 1 day—shoots his first porn.

³
Apple gives its new iPhone 6 rollout the personal touch, with its sales force dispatched to bump into every iPhone 5 owner at the exact GPS coordinates where he or she happens to be at 9:00
AM
Greenwich Mean Time.

⁴
The city council of Berkeley, California, passes the Meat Is Murder Act. Eighty-seven residents are immediately arrested and charged with aggravated steak.

⁵
The Roman Coliseum is renamed Agility Global Integrated Logistics Stadium.

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The Super Tuesday primaries put the GOP presidential nomination firmly in the grip of a person who once coined the word “refudiate” and then likened that coinage to Shakespeare.

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Glenn Beck publishes his new novel, weighing in at an impressive 666 pages.

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Al-Qaeda begins posting job offers on Craigslist. They pull them when some of the applicants start giving them the creeps.

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The SAT introduces a fourth section, Tweeting. It also does away with the first three sections.

¹⁰
The global economy gets a short-term boost as Oprah Winfrey gives every human being on earth a car.

¹¹
Americans set their clocks ahead an hour for Daylight Saving Time, but I foil their plans by moving the
sun
ahead an hour.

¹²
Japanese engineers unveil the first vehicle ever to run entirely on clean, renewable energy, the Toyota Bicycle.

¹³
Jesus’s face inexplicably appears on thousands of Renaissance paintings across the globe.

¹⁴
With his $5 billion inheritance from January, Donald Trump opens his second Trump Taj Mahal casino. Venue: the Taj Mahal.

¹⁵
Paranoid schizophrenia besets every player, coach, and referee involved in March Madness.

¹⁶
During spring break week, girls gone wild rampage across South Padre Island. The grim numbers: 400 dry-humped, 13 laid.

¹⁷
Not a single St. Patrick’s Day reveler vomits.
Not one.

¹⁸
Kenyan Geoffrey Mutai makes history by winning the Los Angeles Marathon in exactly two hours, though
Variety
says it would have been a stronger race if he’d trimmed 20 minutes.

¹⁹
Thousands of dead roaches are found . . .
in roach traps!

²⁰
Jerusalem’s Dome of the Rock is fitted with a retractable roof and Astroturf.

²¹
The vernal equinox brings exactly 12 hours of day and 12 hours of night, alternating an hour at a time.

²²
Fifty thousand pandas march on Tiananmen Square demanding greater dietary freedom. They are massacred, and remain cruelly restricted to bamboo.

²³
At dinner, every child between the ages of 4 and 12
demands
more vegetables.

²⁴
The Hunger Games
opens and becomes a global phenomenon, as does hunger.

²⁵
Harsh economic times force rapper 50 Cent to scale back his name to 2 Bits.

²⁶
The Simpsons
is cancelled.

²⁷
The last native Yiddish speaker dies at 85 of complications from
shpilkes.

²⁸
A 5.3 earthquake strikes directly under Great Salt Lake. The resulting tsunami brines 93.

²⁹
A conservative umpire calls President Obama’s ceremonial first pitch of the baseball season a balk.

³⁰
March leaves like a lamb being petted by the new president of Tanzania during a nationally televised news conference until the lion reappears to bite its head off. (Lo, didst thou think they would lie down together?)

CHAPTER 6

APRIL

¹
W
ith trumpets and lightning I descend to announce I have come to judge the living and the dead. Then I scream “April Fool’s!” and go back up.
Zing!

²
Benjamin Moore purchases France’s Chauvet Cave—the home of 30,000-year-old cave art—and repaints it “Habañero Chili” as a synergistic promotion with Chipotle.

³
North Korea’s aging dictator Kim Jong Il formally transfers all governmental power to the little man in his head who is crazy.

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Fox News airs a typical day of programming.

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As the Masters begins, I receive a letter from the president of Augusta National. After considering my application, he has placed me on the waiting list.

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The value of π is now found to be 6.66.

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The ghosts at Disney World’s Haunted Mansion come to life and terrify visitors with ghastly tales of their former lives as employees at Disney World.

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No signs of the Apocalypse scheduled. (It’s Easter. The kid deserves his day.)