The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (632 page)

for turning away, let summer bear it out.

as for being fired, let the summer weather take care of me.

MARIA

You are resolute, then?

You are decided, then?

Clown

Not so, neither; but I am resolved on two points.

No, I am not; but I have resolved two points.

MARIA

That if one break, the other will hold; or, if both

That if one breaks, the other will hold on; or, if both

break, your gaskins fall.

break, you will fall.

Clown

Apt, in good faith; very apt. Well, go thy way; if

Appropriate, indeed; very approriate. Well, go your way; if

Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a

Sir Toby gave up drinking, you were as witty a

piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria.

woman as any in Illyria.

MARIA

Peace, you rogue, no more o' that. Here comes my

Quiet, you rogue, enough of that. Here comes my

lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best.

lady: excuse yourself well, you're the best one to do it.

Exit

Clown

Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling!

Wit, as it is up to you, make me a good fool!

Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft

Those witty people, that think they have you, very often

prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may

turn out to be fools; and I, that am sure I do not have you, may

pass for a wise man: for what says Quinapalus?

pass for a wise man; for what does Quinapalus say?

'Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.'

Enter OLIVIA with MALVOLIO

God bless thee, lady!

God bless you, lady!

OLIVIA

Take the fool away.

Take the fool away.

Clown

Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.

Don't you hear, gentlemen? Take away the lady.

OLIVIA

Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you:

Enough, you're an unfunny fool; I don't want any more of you:

besides, you grow dishonest.

besides, you become dishonest.

Clown

Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel

Two faults, lady, that drink and good advice

will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is

will fix: for give the dry fool drink, then the fool

the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend

is not dry: tell the dishonest man to mend

himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if

himself; if he mends, he is no longer dishonest; if

he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing

he cannot, let the butcher mend him. Anything

that's mended is but patched: virtue that

that's mended is simply patched: virtue that

transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that

does wrong is simply patched with sin; and sin that

amends is but patched with virtue. If that this

fixes itself is simply patched with virtue. If that

simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not,

simple logical argument will serve, so; if it will not,

what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but

what solution is there? As there is no true betrayal

calamity, so beauty's a flower. The lady bade take

but catastrophe, so beauty's a flower. The lady said to take

away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.

away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.

OLIVIA

Sir, I bade them take away you.

Sir, I told them to take away you.

Clown

Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non

Inaccuracy in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non

facit monachum; that's as much to say as I wear not

facit monachum; that's as much to say as I am

motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to

no idiot. Good lady, give me permission to

prove you a fool.

prove you are a fool.

OLIVIA

Can you do it?

Can you do it?

Clown

Dexterously, good madonna.

Skillfully, good lady.

OLIVIA

Make your proof.

Prove it then.

Clown

I must catechise you for it, madonna: good my mouse

I must do so by question and answer, my lady: my good mouse

of virtue, answer me.

of good qualities, answer me.

OLIVIA

Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll bide your proof.

Well, sir, since I have nothing else to do, I'll go along with it.

Clown

Good madonna, why mournest thou?

Good lady, why are you mourning?

OLIVIA

Good fool, for my brother's death.

Good fool, I mourn my brother's death.

Clown

I think his soul is in hell, madonna.

I think his soul is in Hell, my lady.

OLIVIA

I know his soul is in heaven, fool.

I know his soul has gone to heaven, fool.

Clown

The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's

Then you are a fool, lady, to mourn for your brother's

soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.

soul having gone to heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.

OLIVIA

What think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend?

What do you think of this fool, Malvolio? Does he improve?

MALVOLIO

Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him:

Yes, and shall do until death comes to him:

infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the

infirmity, that ruins the wise, always makes the

better fool.

better clown.

Clown

God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the



better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be



sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his



word for two pence that you are no fool.

May God make you old then, and quickly, so that

you will become a fool more quickly too! Sir Toby

will swear that I am no fox; but he will not claim

that you are no fool.

OLIVIA

How say you to that, Malvolio?

What do you say to that, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO

I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a

I am amazed that your ladyship is delighted by such a

barren rascal: I saw him put down the other day

unfunny rascal: I saw him put down the other day

with an ordinary fool that has no more brain

by an ordinary fool that had no more brain

than a stone. Look you now, he's out of his guard

than a stone. Look now, he's out of his element

already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to

already; unless you laugh and give him purpose,

him, he is gagged. I protest, I take these wise men,

he is gagged. I protest, I consider these wise men,

that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better

that laugh like this and these kinds of fools, no better

than the fools' zanies.

than the fools' antics.

OLIVIA

Oh, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste

Oh, you are sick with self-love, Malvolio, and taste

with a distempered appetite. To be generous,

with a sick person's appetite. To be gnerous,

guiltless and of free disposition, is to take those

guiltless, and free-spirited, is like taking those

things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon-bullets:

things as little pellet strikes that you consider cannon bullets:

there is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do

there is no false insult in an allowed fool, though he does

nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet

nothing but rant; nor no ranting in a known discreet

man, though he do nothing but reprove.

man, though he does nothing but criticize.

Clown

Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou

Now Mercury grant you blessings, for you

speakest well of fools!

speak well of fools!

Re-enter MARIA

MARIA

Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much

Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman who very much



desires to speak with you.

wants to speak with you.

OLIVIA

From the Count Orsino, is it?

Did Count Orsino send him?

MARIA

I know not, madam: 'tis a fair young man, and well attended.

I do not know, madam: it is a handsome young man, with several servants.

OLIVIA

Who of my people hold him in delay?

Which of my people are delaying him?

MARIA

Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman.

Sir Toby, madam, your relative.

OLIVIA

Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but

Get rid of him, please; he says nothing but

madman: fie on him!

nonsense: enough with him!

Exit MARIA

Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count, I

Go on, Malvolio: if it is a proposal from the count, I

am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it.

am sick, or not at home; say whatever you want to get rid of it.

Exit MALVOLIO

Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and

Now you see, sir, how your joking gets old, and

people dislike it.

people don’t like it.

Clown

Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest

You have spoken for us, madam, as if your oldest

son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with

son will turn out to be a bool; whose son Jove crams with

brains! for,--here he comes,--one of thy kin has a

brains! For - here he comes - one of your family has a

most weak pia mater.

very weak head.

Enter SIR TOBY BELCH

OLIVIA

By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin?

By my honor, half drunk. What is he who is at the gate, relative?

SIR TOBY BELCH

A gentleman.

OLIVIA

A gentleman! what gentleman?

SIR TOBY BELCH

'Tis a gentle man here--a plague o' these

It is a gentle man here - I'm sick of these

pickle-herring! How now, sot!

[
insult]! And what's going on with you, idiot?