The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (633 page)

Clown

Good Sir Toby!

OLIVIA

Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy?

Relative, relative, how are you so drunk this early in the day?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Lechery! I defy lechery. There's one at the gate.

[Mishearing] Lechery! I am no lech. There's someone at the gate.

OLIVIA

Ay, marry, what is he?

Yes, by Mary, what is he?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Let him be the devil, an he will, I care not: give

Let him be the devil, even if he is, I don't care: give

me faith, say I. Well, it's all one.

me faith, I say. Well, it's all the same to me.

Exit

OLIVIA

What's a drunken man like, fool?

What is a drunken man like, clown?

Clown

Like a drowned man, a fool and a mad man: one


draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads

one drink more than he needs makes him a fool; the second maddens

him; and a third drowns him.

OLIVIA

Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o' my

Go and get the doctor, and let him sit with my

coz; for he's in the third degree of drink, he's

relative; for he's in the third level of drunkenness, he's

drowned: go, look after him.

drowned: go, take care of him.

Clown

He is but mad yet, madonna; and the fool shall look

He is still only a madman, my lady; and the fool shall look

to the madman.

after the madman.

Exit

Re-enter MALVOLIO

MALVOLIO

Madam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with

Madam, the young man over there swears he will speak with

you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to

you. I told him you were sick; he said he

understand so much, and therefore comes to speak

knew that, and therefore comes to speak

with you. I told him you were asleep; he seems to

with you. I told him you were sleeping; he seems to

have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore

have also known that beforehand too, and therefore

comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him,

comes to speak with you. What should I say to him,

lady? he's fortified against any denial.

lady? He has protected himself against any denial.

OLIVIA

Tell him he shall not speak with me.

Tell him he shall not speak with me.

MALVOLIO

Has been told so; and he says, he'll stand at your

He has been told so; and he says he'll stand at your

door like a sheriff's post, and be the supporter to

door like a guarding policeman, or a piece of

a bench, but he'll speak with you.

architecture, but he'll speak with you.

OLIVIA

What kind o' man is he?

What kind of man is he?

MALVOLIO

Why, of mankind.

Why, of humanity.

OLIVIA

What manner of man?

What sort of man?

MALVOLIO

Of very ill manner; he'll speak with you, will you or no.

One with very bad manners; he'll speak with you, whether you like it or not.

OLIVIA

Of what personage and years is he?

How old is he and what is he like?

MALVOLIO

Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for

Not yet old enough to be a man, but no longer young enough to be

a boy; as a squash is before 'tis a peascod, or a

a boy; the way a squash is before it is ready to eat, or a

cooling when 'tis almost an apple: 'tis with him

flower bud when it is almost an apple: he is

in standing water, between boy and man. He is very

in that zone between being a boy and a man. He is very

well-favoured and he speaks very shrewishly; one

handsome and speaks very cleverly; you would think

would think his mother's milk were scarce out of him.

he was barely grown up.

OLIVIA

Let him approach: call in my gentlewoman.

Let him come near: call in my maid.

MALVOLIO

Gentlewoman, my lady calls.

Maid, my lady calls.

Exit

Re-enter MARIA

OLIVIA

Give me my veil: come, throw it o'er my face.

Give me my veil: come, throw it over my face.

We'll once more hear Orsino's embassy.

We'll hear from Orsino's representatives again.

Enter VIOLA, and Attendants

VIOLA

The honourable lady of the house, which is she?

Which one is the honorable lady of the house?

OLIVIA

Speak to me; I shall answer for her.



Your will?

What do you want?

VIOLA

Most radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty,--I

Most brilliant, exquisite, and incomparable beauty - I

pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house,

beg you, tell me if this is the lady of the house,

for I never saw her: I would be loath to cast away

for I never saw her; I would hate to waste

my speech, for besides that it is excellently well

my speech, for besides it being extremely well

penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good

written, I have worked very hard at memorizing it. Good

beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very

beauties, don't subject me to bad feelings; I am easily

comptible, even to the least sinister usage.

offended, even with the least sinister behavior.

OLIVIA

Whence came you, sir?

Where did you come from, sir?

VIOLA

I can say little more than I have studied, and that

I can't say much more tan what I have studied, and that

question's out of my part. Good gentle one, give me

question is beyond me. Good gentle one, give me

modest assurance if you be the lady of the house,

some reassurance if you are the lady of the house,

that I may proceed in my speech.

that I may continue in my speech.

OLIVIA

Are you a comedian?

Are you joking?

VIOLA

No, my profound heart: and yet, by the very fangs

No, my deepest heart: and yet, by the very fangs

of malice I swear, I am not that I play. Are you

of evil, I swear I am not what I seem to be. Are you

the lady of the house?

the lady of the house?

OLIVIA

If I do not usurp myself, I am.

If I do not take over myself, I am.

VIOLA

Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp

Certainly, if you are her, you do take over

yourself; for what is yours to bestow is not yours

yourself; for what is yours to give is not yours

to reserve. But this is from my commission: I will

to keep back. But this is from the job I have been given: I will

on with my speech in your praise, and then show you

continue with my speech praising you, and then get to

the heart of my message.

the main part of my message.

OLIVIA

Come to what is important in't: I forgive you the praise.

Come to what is important in your speech: you may skip the praise.

VIOLA

Alas, I took great pains to study it, and 'tis poetical.

Oh dear, I worked hard to study it, and it's very poetic.

OLIVIA

It is the more like to be feigned: I pray you,

That makes it more likely to be faked: please,

keep it in. I heard you were saucy at my gates,

keep it to yourself. I heard you were sassy at my gates,

and allowed your approach rather to wonder at you

and allowed you to come in instead so I could stare at you

than to hear you. If you be not mad, be gone; if

rather than hear you. If you are not insane, go away; if

you have reason, be brief: 'tis not that time of

you are reasonable, be brief: I am not in the

moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue.

mood to be playing games.

MARIA

Will you hoist sail, sir? here lies your way.

Will you sail away, sir? This is the way out.

VIOLA

No, good swabber; I am to hull here a little

No, good shipmate, I will stay in this port a little

longer. Some mollification for your giant, sweet

longer. Some peacemaking for your tall, sweet

lady. Tell me your mind: I am a messenger

lady. Tell me what you want: I am a messenger
.

OLIVIA

Sure, you have some hideous matter to deliver, when

Surely, you have some terrible thing to tell, when

the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office.

you are being so outrageously polite. Get to the point.

VIOLA

It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of

That's for your ears only. I bring no declaration of

war, no taxation of homage: I hold the olive in my

war, no demands: I am here with the olive branch

hand; my words are as fun of peace as matter.

this is a peaceful matter.

OLIVIA

Yet you began rudely. What are you? what would you?

Yet you began rudely. What are you? What do you want?

VIOLA

The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I

The rudeness that has appeared in me I have

learned from my entertainment. What I am, and what I

learned from my studies. What I am, and what I

would, are as secret as maidenhead; to your ears,

want, are as secret as women's secrets; to your ears,

divinity, to any other's, profanation.

something divine, to any other's, something obscene.

OLIVIA

Give us the place alone: we will hear this divinity.

Give us some privacy: I want to hear this "something divine".

Exeunt MARIA and Attendants

Now, sir, what is your text?

Now, sir, what is your message?

VIOLA

Most sweet lady,--

Sweetest lady,--

OLIVIA

A comfortable doctrine, and much may be said of it.

An established compliment, and very good too.

Where lies your text?

Where is your message from?

VIOLA

In Orsino's bosom.

In Orsino's chest.

OLIVIA

In his bosom! In what chapter of his bosom?

In his chest! In what part of his chest?